Personal Statement

[stang21]

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This was really difficult for me to write for some reason. I just couldn't put my thoughts down on paper correctly. Im still revising it but just wondered if I could get some feedback. Also, I know it is a bit long so I'm in the process of cutting some stuff down. Thanks yall.

 

[Pomona2006]

Hey Stang21 -

I guess your intro paragraph explains why your status on SDN is "pre-dental" 🙂

Overall a good essay - I would work on the grammar though as there are multiple areas that your grammer / wording is messed up. (for instance: 1st paragram "for a someone like me" and the "as aforementioned" from the first line of the 2nd paragraph)

Also, although it might add extra characters, I would change "I feel" to "I believe" unless you're talking about a sensation or emotion. Or, in the case of, "I feel extremely confident..." it might be better just to concisely say "I am confident"

The second to last paragraph is more resume-like - you throw all these things you've done out there but don't make much mention of what they taught you or why they are specifically important. You just say, " .All of these activities have taught me something that will help me in my future career endeavors; hopefully in veterinary medicine.." I would say pick one or two of those activities and explain what they taught you and how that will be applicable / useful in vet school or as a vet.

Lastly, back to that first paragraph, I would personally like to see that trimmed down so that you get your story and point across but don't make it sound like you're spending too much time on the dental stuff. (I switched fields too, so I know how you feel the need to explain that story in depth!)

I feel like I'm being a little picky with you (I apologize for that! really!)...but I really did like it and I think it would be great to you in the field!
....

 

[No Imagination]

May be a bit late in the game to do much rewriting, but as mentioned above, have someone edit it for you. There are a LOT of superfluous words in there that could/should be removed; "While I was a young child". Do you need young and child? "I really learned how" You ‘learned’ how, ext. Finally, it’s all negative. You don't want to work inside, you don't like office life, you don't want to live anywhere but rural America. All these may be true, but you can reiterate them in a positive manner if you try. Finally, I would leave out the clubs, football, research ect. You put them in the extracurricular section, and you should assume the adcoms will review that section. This will allow you to expand on any topics you didn’t have room for if you want.

Again, my opinion nothing more. G/L to ya!

 

[sambone]

I'm procrastinating my last PS revisions, so here's some thoughts on yours.
I think it if you spend some time on revisions it could be much stronger. Please don't be offended by my suggestions- I know that writing this sort of thing is REALLY hard for some people, and it has nothing to do with your ability to be an amazing vet!

A couple thoughts on style and content:

1)Use "indoors" instead of inside. I was like, inside what?

2)Try to ease up on the commas; they don't help things flow when overused. If you rearrange a few and diversify your sentence structure, it'll improve the overall style dramatically. For example:

Working inside, as a physician or dentist, is what I thought I would do for a career.

becomes:
"I thought I wanted a career working indoors as a dentist."

I'm NOT saying you should write my example instead, since it's a pretty weak sentence actually. But you might want to change some other sentences in this way.

3)You misuse the semicolon ( ; ) numerous times. It's better left unused than misused.

4)To me, a love of science + air conditioning doesn't equal a lifetime practicing medicine. You might want to expand on this a little, so Adcoms see that you are a thoughtful decision maker.

5) I personally don't think the very beginning of the essay is the place to write about pursuing the wrong career (Dentistry) - what's really important is why you're choosing vet med, not why you didn't choose something else. Not that you should exclude that, but it shouldn't have such a prominent place or length in the essay. Unless of course you had actually practiced dentistry for 10 years....You have great animal experiences. Why not open with something about them? (not everyone grows up around a livestock auction! I went to my first at 26 years old and was totally blown away)

Anyhow, GOOD LUCK! We need more food animal vets, so I'm rooting for you!

 

[stang21]

Thanks for the feedback and I took most of your advice. I moved my first paragraph and elminated the resume type paragraph. I instead incorporated some of that stuff briefly in other places.

 

[turnandburn]

Sambone, I love your avatar!

But what the hell is it???