Personalities and motivations

[2Nice]

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I'm struggling with some ideas that are kicking around in my brain about why I'm starting a career in medicine. It has recently been brought to my attention that I am "too nice". I'm overly generous and self-sacrificing. I frequently give away my possessions, my money, my time to anyone who asks for it. I'm beginning to realize that the reason I do this is because I am preoccupied with how I am perceived by others, and am terrified of losing any of my numerous pseudo-friends. A person I consider a true friend recently asked me if I knew how to say no. I didn't know how to respond.

This is all personal stuff that I have to work out on my own (with the help of a skilled psychotherapist), but the thing that I wanted to ask here is: what does this mean about my motivation for pursuing a helping profession? I wrote my medical school essays about how my purpose in life is to serve others and how medicine is the best way for me to do that. Does the fact that my supposed altruism is actually a ploy to get people to like me mean that I'm going into medicine for the wrong reasons? Are there wrong reasons?

(As a side, I've been reading about some trolling going on on these forums, and I recognize that this might look like that's the intent of my post, but it isn't. I'm just having a bad night, and needed to talk to some strangers because I can't talk to anyone I know).

 

[charmiedermie]

I would be careful. That trait is just asking for trouble in medical school which many will be happy to take advantage of. A lot of mind games can be played to toy with you in third year.

And yes you would be doing medicine for the wrong reason.

 

[chasm-e-baddoor]

Does the fact that my supposed altruism is actually a ploy to get people to like me mean that I'm going into medicine for the wrong reasons?

no

 

[Gadofosveset]

Earning the good opinion of mentors, peers, and mentees is an ok goal. To work in a complete vacuum with no regard to others is a little antisocial, but I'd work with your skilled psychotherapist to figure out some healthy boundaries.

Don't worry about your motives too much... if you stay in medicine, you'll eventually be helping people routinely without expecting or needing an emotional rush as a reward... sounds like a helper to me.

 

[Frazier]

On the bright side, your press-ganey scores will be fantastic from the drug-seeker crowd.

 

[DocVader1990]

I'm struggling with some ideas that are kicking around in my brain about why I'm starting a career in medicine. It has recently been brought to my attention that I am "too nice".

Seriously? More people should have your problem then. 8/10 Troll

 

[charmiedermie]

Don't worry about your motives too much... if you stay in medicine, you'll eventually be helping people routinely without expecting or needing an emotional rush as a reward... sounds like a helper to me.

🙄

Sounds like a great way to burnout.

 

[Gadofosveset]

🙄

Sounds like a great way to burnout.

That statement doesn't make any sense... it prevents burn out. You eventually do it because it's just the right thing to do, and that turns out to be the only thing that really matters.

 

[Apoplexy__]

OP, I don't get it. Just because you're too nice and don't know how to say "no" doesn't mean you should start questioning your motivations for med school as if wanting people to like you for doing things for them is some sinister warped thing. Nobody ever helps anyone unless they get satisfaction out of it. That's why it sucks when people are unappreciative -- their part of the deal (appreciating/thanking/liking you) wasn't held up. Even people who do good deeds anonymously do so in order to benefit from theological/spiritual rewards, or at the very least a heightened perception of themselves.

 

[Psai]

Nice guys finish last

 

[sunnyinertia]

The trick is to find a balance. It is possible to be altruistic without completely disregarding yourself. Healthy boundaries are a must. You have identified an area of potential growth. The next step is to take action towards change. I wish you luck.

 

[FutureOncologist]

You need to learn that your respect is needed to loan out these items. And your respect is to be earned, not given freely. I had that problem in college and I learned how to stand up for myself (not be cold and never lend out my stuff, but at the same time be able to tell people "no.")

 

[qtpai]

Wanting to do the right thing in order to please other people leads ultimately also to wanting to do the wrong thing to please other people. Without an internal motivation to doing right, without a strong internal compass with "veto power," without a strong inner motivation for doing good, one will invariably, sooner or later, be led astray--to doing wrong.

In medicine, a career that demands such a level of responsibility, fraught with such ethical challenges, the kind of attitude that the OP describes has especial dangers. I can think of so, so many. Actually, the OP's kind of reflection is exactly what a physician should be capable of doing; quite a few people are not capable of this kind of thinking, and this is not good for obvious reasons. If the OP can act on these insights, I think that that marks him/her as especially suited for medicine. I think that medicine needs not just caring--but thoughtful people. Precisely because of the ethical dangers intrinsic to the profession.

@kirbymeister People who do the right thing for the pleasure of it are okay--this is fine and good. Doing the right thing for its own sake should bring personal pleasure. That is not the same thing as trying to cater to the perceptions of others.

 

[Jabbed]

I'm struggling with some ideas that are kicking around in my brain about why I'm starting a career in medicine. It has recently been brought to my attention that I am "too nice". I'm overly generous and self-sacrificing. I frequently give away my possessions, my money, my time to anyone who asks for it. I'm beginning to realize that the reason I do this is because I am preoccupied with how I am perceived by others, and am terrified of losing any of my numerous pseudo-friends. A person I consider a true friend recently asked me if I knew how to say no. I didn't know how to respond.

This is all personal stuff that I have to work out on my own (with the help of a skilled psychotherapist), but the thing that I wanted to ask here is: what does this mean about my motivation for pursuing a helping profession? I wrote my medical school essays about how my purpose in life is to serve others and how medicine is the best way for me to do that. Does the fact that my supposed altruism is actually a ploy to get people to like me mean that I'm going into medicine for the wrong reasons? Are there wrong reasons?

(As a side, I've been reading about some trolling going on on these forums, and I recognize that this might look like that's the intent of my post, but it isn't. I'm just having a bad night, and needed to talk to some strangers because I can't talk to anyone I know).

This is what is going to give you the most hardship IMO.

 

[DokterMom]

You've recognized a need to be able to set boundaries. That's good and appropriate.
You've recognized that you tend to always say "yes" but for the wrong reasons. A cause for concern - which you've recognized - also good and appropriate.
Does that make you ill-suited for medicine? Only if you either fail to recognize the problem, or having recognized it, fail to take any action.

Get to work on learning where those boundaries ought to be, and on determining how much of yourself you want to give. Those are vitally important questions, and a good therapist can help you figure out the answers.

Do you need to put your life on hold while you work on this? Heck no!

 

[JP2740]

Wanting to do the right thing in order to please other people leads ultimately also to wanting to do the wrong thing to please other people. Without an internal motivation to doing right, without a strong internal compass with "veto power," without a strong inner motivation for doing good, one will invariably, sooner or later, be led astray--to doing wrong.

In medicine, a career that demands such a level of responsibility, fraught with such ethical challenges, the kind of attitude that the OP describes has especial dangers. I can think of so, so many. Actually, the OP's kind of reflection is exactly what a physician should be capable of doing; quite a few people are not capable of this kind of thinking, and this is not good for obvious reasons. If the OP can act on these insights, I think that that marks him/her as especially suited for medicine. I think that medicine needs not just caring--but thoughtful people. Precisely because of the ethical dangers intrinsic to the profession.

@kirbymeister People who do the right thing for the pleasure of it are okay--this is fine and good. Doing the right thing for its own sake should bring personal pleasure. That is not the same thing as trying to cater to the perceptions of others.

😴

 

[2Nice]

Wow, there have been some really helpful comments here. Thank you all so much for taking a few moments to help me out with this problem. I think I'm making steps in the right direction now, and I will keep your insights in mind as I move forward.

As a side note, way to go showing that the internets can be thoughtful, civil, and kind!

 

[touchpause13]

I'm just going to echo others here and say that developing boundaries is important and learning how to say no.
I also want to give you props for recognizing this and taking steps to improve 👍

 

[honestskyV]

I wrote my medical school essays about how my purpose in life is to serve others and how medicine is the best way for me to do that. Does the fact that my supposed altruism is actually a ploy to get people to like me mean that I'm going into medicine for the wrong reasons? Are there wrong reasons?

Just something to chew on: there are a lot of other ways to serve people--for example: military service, teaching, being an legal advocate, etc. You're specifically choosing medicine. There's probably more layers to it than just a desire to help other people. Thinking about those other reasons might make you get over the "am I doing it for the wrong reasons" feelings. And those other reasons--job security, financial gain, prestige, wanting a personal/professional challenge--are all just as legitimate as wanting to serve others.

 

[Shjanzey]

We need more people like you. Preventitive health has tons of openings