Possible Personal Statement?

[alwise]

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Ok so I just came up with this while driving to work and I'm not sure if it's anything close to what vet schools are looking for but any advice would be great. This is just a beginning so not the full statement.

“We probably shouldn’t be out here”, I think to myself as my eyes adjust to the darkness and Arthur pricks his ears in alertness. Arthur has been in my life for almost six years and this horse knows more about me than anyone else in the world. Not even the closeness I share with my twin sister compares to the relationship I’ve formed with this animal. I laugh to myself when I think of this, knowing my sister would highly disagree, and my hesitations fade trusting Arthur to keep his footing in the dark. Making our way up the hill to the flat, grassy area where we like to explore, I bring Arthur to a trot and let myself go. He feels my comfort and leaps into a thundering canter as I relax my mind in permission. I drop the reins and guide him using only my seat muscles. There is no feeling like this. It is the sense of wholeness and rightness which I only feel with animals. I would do almost anything to be able to provide others with this feeling. Thus, I need to help and protect animals so that they can give to others what they have given me. I need to illustrate how caring for, and bonding with animals can make a person. By being a vet, I know I will have the knowledge to heal and defend those which I believe can be some of the greatest teachers in life, animals.

 

[shelterURIgirl]

So please don't hate me, I'm just being honest but I think this is a weak opening to your personal statement. Many of your statements come across as naive and fairytale-like. For example, I would avoid saying that an animal understands you more than your sister, or that there is a sense of wholeness you "only feel with animals", etc. This can come across as naive because a good veterinarian is one who bonds with people. Honestly, we (the vets) are the ones doing all the poking and prodding, and many of our patients will hate us. But if we can reach out and bond with a client, perhaps convince them to do a urinalysis on a cat that is "peeing all over cuz it's mad" instead of euthanizing, well in my opinion thats where the real magic of veterinary medicine is.

So in my opinion, I would cut a lot out of this opening. I recommend using every word to tell the admissions committee why you would make a good vet. You should demonstrate that you have a realistic understanding of what it takes to be a good doctor.

Here is an example of how you can modify one of your statements to make it more succinct and realistic:

“We probably shouldn’t be out here”, I think to myself as my eyes adjust to the darkness and Arthur pricks his ears in alertness. Arthur has been in my life for almost six years and at times like this, it feels as though this horse knows more about me than anyone else in the world.
Making our way up the hill to the flat, grassy area surrounded by moonlight, I relax the reins and let myself go as Arthur breaks into a thundering canter. There is no feeling like this... "

I hope this helps you. Writing personal statements is hard and having them critiqued is even harder. And PS, I hope I didn't offend you. 😳

 

[JustCats]

I have to disagree with my esteemed classmate, ShelterURIgirl. Alwise has 5000 words to get across to the adcoms that she understands the profession is as much about people as it is about animals. She touches upon that in this paragraph, but she can go into more detail later. Although it needs some tweaking, I think it's a good start. 👍

Alwise--why don't you prepare a draft in its entirety and then we can see whether you've fit everything you need to into the PS. It will be easier to evaluate this paragraph as part of a whole.

 

[twelvetigers]

Also, if you choose to do that, don't post it here on the forums... ask who wants to see it, and then PM it to them. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I think a personal statement should be, well, personal. 🙂

 

[InanOven]

I'm going to have to agree with shelterURI . . . this takes up ~1,200 of the 5000 characters, not words, that are allotted for your personal statement. I believe you are a dedicated equestrian based on this paragraph but don't get much info on you as a potential veterinarian . . . I think this concept could be summarized as evidence as to why you want to become a veterinarian but wouldn't make it 1/4 of my personal statement if i were you. MHO. I'd be more interested in a specific experience that got you to bridge the gap between riding the horse and attending to it's medical needs. Also, if you don't have a narrative opener, no big deal. not a requirement of the statement. you just need to explain where you're coming from, where you want to go, how you know you can do it, and how you believe you will be a successful and contributing vet upon completion of your schooling.

 

[JustCats]

Oops. Sorry. I did mean 5000 characters.

I'm going to have to agree with shelterURI . . . this takes up ~1,200 of the 5000 characters, not words, that are allotted for your personal statement.

 

[InanOven]

Oops. Sorry. I did mean 5000 characters.

no worries, i got confused for a sec 'cause i didn't remember my statement being THAT long so i looked it up and since i did i figured i'd include the info
🙂

 

[airrick16]

I thought it was a good start, but I wouldn't admit your closer to animals than people...eventhough I feel the same way sometimes. A majority of being a vet is working with people/owners.
PS I know I'm not a rider but wasnt sure about seat muscles reference either, is that a technical term for glutes?

 

[VAgirl]

I'm with the camp that thinks it misses the point. You love animals, we all do. What it's really all about is science, medicine. I would not use that opening because I think all you're doing is setting yourself up to overcome the bias of them thinking you love horses and know nothing about vet med, you just think that it'd be fun to play with animals. PS are always somewhat cliche, but I think that's beyond cliche.

Sorry if I'm being overly harsh. It sounds like a lovely opening to a short story. Just not a PS.

 

[GellaBella]

Alright well I disagree. and I agree. hows that for confusing for you!

I think that personal statements are normally BORING as hell and I can't imagine having to sit with a pile of some 500 PS and have to read each and every boring one.

By having an interesting and 'short story' like opening statement you immediately stand out to the reader - this story is different, this student is a good writer, it flows easily and I (as the potential adcom reader) like that because it's not another ho hum boring essay. 👍

So i say keep this intro. BUT but but, you can tighten it up. a lot. There is a lot of stuff in here that you don't need. Yes you have 5000 characters but you do want to keep it as short and sweet as possible, the reader will thank you. Take out a bit of the unnecessary adjectives (or keep them in there for now and write the rest of your personal statement, knowing that you can take these words out if you are over your character limit). I also agree, although not so strongly, that you should probably say that it 'feels' like you are sometimes closer to this animal than your sister, as opposed to you ARE closer.

also think about how you are going to transition out of this intro into the things you really need to touch upon for the statement. but so far I like this start, tighten it up, make it shorter and keep going in my opinion.

 

[dgm]

I think this is a weak opener. For one thing, it actually makes me question the narrator's judgment. I understand trusting your horse to help get you home when you're hacking out and don't make it back before dark (been there, done that). And while the idea that you can trust your horse completely to take care of you in the dark is heart-warming, actually cantering along in the dark has the potential to strike the reader as blithe and possibly irresponsible. It's touching when it works out okay, but if the horse stumbled and you had an accident, everyone would say you were asking for it, cantering around in the dark. I wouldn't want to include something that could raise those sorts of questions in my personal statement.

Also, if your goal is to help people achieve the kind of bond with their animals that you share with Arthur, there are much more direct ways than veterinary medicine for you to do so. For example, you could become a trainer.

I definitely don't think it's bad to use your experiences with Arthur in your personal statement, just in a somewhat different context...

Ok so I just came up with this while driving to work and I'm not sure if it's anything close to what vet schools are looking for but any advice would be great. This is just a beginning so not the full statement.

“We probably shouldn’t be out here”, I think to myself as my eyes adjust to the darkness and Arthur pricks his ears in alertness. Arthur has been in my life for almost six years and this horse knows more about me than anyone else in the world. Not even the closeness I share with my twin sister compares to the relationship I’ve formed with this animal. I laugh to myself when I think of this, knowing my sister would highly disagree, and my hesitations fade trusting Arthur to keep his footing in the dark. Making our way up the hill to the flat, grassy area where we like to explore, I bring Arthur to a trot and let myself go. He feels my comfort and leaps into a thundering canter as I relax my mind in permission. I drop the reins and guide him using only my seat muscles. There is no feeling like this. It is the sense of wholeness and rightness which I only feel with animals. I would do almost anything to be able to provide others with this feeling. Thus, I need to help and protect animals so that they can give to others what they have given me. I need to illustrate how caring for, and bonding with animals can make a person. By being a vet, I know I will have the knowledge to heal and defend those which I believe can be some of the greatest teachers in life, animals.

 

[casn79]

I like it, but that is coming from the wanna be novelist instead of the future vet. I think so many personal statements tend to sound alike and that having one start very differently is a good way to stand out. You definitely have room to expand and tell your reader later after the intro what your intentions are for vet school and more reasons why you would be a good candidate. Go with it, write how you feel. It is a personal statement isn't it?

 

[VAgirl]

I like it, but that is coming from the wanna be novelist instead of the future vet.

I'd like to clarify my comment (and run the risk of being harsh again). I don't have a problem with the fact that the opening sounds like the opening to a story instead of a PS. In fact, I think arrick16 did a beautiful job of just that in his/her thread "My personal essay opening." My problem with alwise's opening is that the OP just sounds hopelessly naive and I feel that it sets the reader up to think that the writer may not have a grasp on what the field of vet med entails. The opening presented here addresses the human animal bond. Which is important to understand in vet med, for sure, because many (most?) vets deal with owners who have an emotional attachment to their animals. But I don't think the human animal bond is the most important thing one needs to understand to decide whether vet med is the career for them, not even by a long shot. And that's all we get from this PS opening, that the girl loves her horse.

 

[sumstorm]

I agree with a narrative opening. I disagree with putting so much of the PS into it. As several of our adcoms have said, in a variety of ways: "I have heard every way imaginable to say 'I love animals' and that seems an obvious concept regarding anyone who bothers to apply to vet school.'

I don't see a lot that says 'this person will contribute to the profession and our school' and several things that make me think 'will this person cope and handle the diversity of the field and the clients?'

That is not a judgement call....it is just that with so many applications, whether it is for a spot in a class or for employment, it is far easier to look for what rules an applicant out, to make the stacks shorter and to make it easier to figure out what sets the 'in' applicants apart to offer seats to.

Animals above/beyond relationships with people: "this horse knows more about me than anyone else in the world. Not even the closeness I share with my twin sister compares to the relationship I've formed with this animal."


A question of whether empathy exists for others POV's: I laugh to myself when I think of this, knowing my sister would highly disagree,

Inability to handle the long hours of not having much to do with live animals/people/chaos that is school:
There is no feeling like this. It is the sense of wholeness and rightness which I only feel with animals.

Ability to appreciate other fields of vet med such as food animal & potential for animal welfare/rights issues: I would do almost anything to be able to provide others with this feeling. Thus, I need to help and protect animals so that they can give to others what they have given me.

Perspective on animals as resources....again working animals may or may not involve bonding for the owners: I need to illustrate how caring for, and bonding with animals can make a person. By being a vet, I know I will have the knowledge to heal and defend those which I believe can be some of the greatest teachers in life, animals.

 

[CatVet2Be]

Arthur has been in my life for almost six years and this horse knows more about me than anyone else in the world........my hesitations fade trusting Arthur to keep his footing in the dark.... He feels my comfort and leaps into a thundering canter as I relax my mind in permission......There is no feeling like this. It is the sense of wholeness and rightness which I feel with animals. I would do almost anything to be able to provide others with this feeling. Thus, I need to help and protect animals so that they can give to others what they have given me.....By being a vet, I know I will have the knowledge to heal and defend those which I believe can be some of the greatest teachers in life, animals.

I think it's beautifully written but you have to be really careful about what adcoms may infer from your statements. Saying you feel a closer bond to animals than to people may make them think you lack the social skills necessary to deal with clients and that you don't have a realistic view of vet medicine. Most of the time vet techs have the animal contact while the vet has to deal with the clients in person and by phone.

It's great to start out with a catchy intro but keep it really short and minimal. Your PS is the place where if someone asked you "what experiences and skills would make you a great vet" you could impress them without using "I love animals" because simply loving them doesn't set us apart. Our clients love animals too but they didn't pursue vet medicine. Why? What made us different? What can you bring to the field? These are the things they really need to see.

Again, it's a beautiful paragraph but it needs to be fine tuned with the viewpoints of the adcoms. Good Luck!