Pre-interview socials and your S.O.

[forfinity08]

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This may be a stupid question, I tend to ask a lot of those.

My S.O. is coming along with me to my interviews when they are in other states, since I think it's important for both of us to like the area and he'd need to relocate or find a new job. I get that you leave the S.O. in the hotel on interview day, but what about these socials? Is it laid back enough to let your husband/wife tag along?

I just feel bad being like "ok hunny- I'm going out to dinner. You get some room service. See ya"

Has anyone ever seen anyone do this? Is this highly inappropriate to do and obvious to everyone but me?

Thanks.

 

[tybalt]

This may be a stupid question, I tend to ask a lot of those.

My S.O. is coming along with me to my interviews when they are in other states, since I think it's important for both of us to like the area and he'd need to relocate or find a new job. I get that you leave the S.O. in the hotel on interview day, but what about these socials? Is it laid back enough to let your husband/wife tag along?

I just feel bad being like "ok hunny- I'm going out to dinner. You get some room service. See ya"

Has anyone ever seen anyone do this? Is this highly inappropriate to do and obvious to everyone but me?

Thanks.

I don't think the S.O. should go unless the program specifically invites them. For some of my interviews, they have made it a point to say "Please feel free to bring your family/S.O. to the preinterview socials and to the city to check it out". Others have made not mention of the invite; so I think they let you know when the S.O. is welcome.

 

[DocRun1]

I don't see why they wouldn't want your S.O. or family to join. Do they really expect you to just drop them for the social? I would imagine that they all are very willing to get to know your family too. I think that unless the program has specifically said DO NOT bring family or spouse that you have no reason to believe that a social event is only for interviewees.

 

[coharahawk]

So, obviously not a stupid question when we've already have two contrasting responses. I actually was wondering the same thing about some of the pre-interview dinners. Some of mine specifically say, feel free to bring SO, while others don't mention anything. The ones where my wife can attend and they made no mention of it, I'm considering contacting either the residents or program coordinator to ask if it is appropriate or not. I'm expecting most will be more than welcoming, but we will see.

 

[Khaos]

I brought my wife with me on several socials and had no problems from that end. On the other end of it, I now know that your SO is completely welcome. We understand that the move you will be making is not just for you but also for you S.O. and they must like and agree to the move too (if you have that choice).

Unless otherwise specified that you shouldn't bring your S.O. I would assume that you can always do so. However, sometimes it might feel awkward to them because it does seem that when you get medical people together they seem to want to talk about their medical experiences.

I hope this helps.

 

[Khaos]

One more thing.

If you're ever unsure about whether you can bring your S.O. you can always e-mail the program coordinator and ask. They shouldn't have any problems with this.

 

[forfinity08]

Cool, thanks for the help guys!

 

[NeuroSync]

I would DEFINITELY bring my s/o. I think it is important for them to get an idea of who you will be working with and socializing with, and the same for the residents. Part of who you are is your s/o. When my husband was interviewing for neuro jobs, I went...even to the interviews. It was, perhaps, not what is typically done, but we both wanted to know if it was the right place for BOTH of us. If it is, they shouldn't mind. Know what I mean? And if there is a program that doesn't want me to bring my s/o, that sho says a lot...nuf said.

 

[tybalt]

That's a good idea -- calling the coordinator first. My hubby has been coming with me when invited, but I think I will start asking for those when he hasn't been specifically invited but he is able to come.

...though it is true that meeting with a bunch of residents and applicants is prolly not my hubby's idea of an amazing evening 🙂

 

[crewmaster1]

SOs were welcome at all the pre-interview dinners I did. It is always cool to ask the program coordinator or senior residents who usually send out the invite.

 

[Koko]

I also think that if your SO wants to go, it's in your interest to have them attend. You are smart to have them come along to see the area -- if they're not happy, you won't be. Residency is challenging enough without having to deal with chaos at home.

We have SOs all the time at our dinners and when I go with my wife to her programs dinners, I know that their applicants also bring their SOs at times. As someone else suggested, if you have any question if it's alright, ask the PC. Good luck and try to enjoy the journey.

 

[killerleaf]

If you are unsure, please ask the coordinator.

besides, they will probably want to know, anyway, so they can get a headcount. nobody wants to run out of food!!!

 

[deleted52758]

hey, just as a contrasting opinion, at my program, it's the residents who pay out of their pocket for the preinterview social. (which sucks, and is a whole nother issue altogether... we're a poor county program). that being said, we never say no, but it's nice to at least have the foresight to ask if it's okay. if its the program/attgs who pays, most likely no one will care.

 

[tybalt]

hey, just as a contrasting opinion, at my program, it's the residents who pay out of their pocket for the preinterview social. (which sucks, and is a whole nother issue altogether... we're a poor county program). that being said, we never say no, but it's nice to at least have the foresight to ask if it's okay. if its the program/attgs who pays, most likely no one will care.

Wow. That sucks. If I knew the residents of a program at which I was interviewing had to pay for my food, I would feel really guilty about ordering... unless they were total dousches... then I would get the prime rib.

 

[LadyGrey]

None of the dinner/social interviews I've gotten so far have mentioned SOs, and in my (so far minimal) experience I haven't seen any brought along. So, I don't plan on bringing mine my spouse along to any of these things. Why would I really care what he thinks of my potential future colleagues? I talk to him about the process, and appreciate his input, but ultimately this is my career, not his. When he was applying for jobs in his field, we approached it the same way.

If you're considering a major relocation, I can understand wanting your spouse to check out the city and see if he or she would like it, but I don't think that coming to the dinner itself gives them any useful information.

Finally, it just seems like one more stressor -- instead of just wondering "am I making a good impression?" I'd also be wondering if he was. 😉

 

[turtle md]

I brought my wife all around the country when I was interviewing so that I could get her opinion of the city - "happy wife = happy life." We went together to all the social events. I would be wary of any program that told me that she was not allowed. A program that doesn't support my life outside of medicine pre-residency is probably not the one for me.

That said, knowing for sure by asking won't hurt. I would suspect most would say it was fine.

 

[NeuroSync]

I brought my wife all around the country when I was interviewing so that I could get her opinion of the city - "happy wife = happy life." We went together to all the social events. I would be wary of any program that told me that she was not allowed. A program that doesn't support my life outside of medicine pre-residency is probably not the one for me.

That said, knowing for sure by asking won't hurt. I would suspect most would say it was fine.

I agree. I also agree that it is the polite thing to ask first. As for making impressions, these things are supposed to be low stress. They should be fun. Not only am I not worried about what impression I'm making, but I'm certainly not worried that my spouse is being judged. As I have said in previous posts, you want to be where you fit in best. If you (and/or your spouse) don't fit with a certain group, then that is great information to have. You don't want to be there. Just be yourself and have fun meeting new and interesting people.

 

[LadyGrey]

If you (and/or your spouse) don't fit with a certain group, then that is great information to have. You don't want to be there. Just be yourself and have fun meeting new and interesting people.

Oh, fit is definitely important. And being yourself. But are you really so confident that there isn't some part of you that, knowing that you are being judged, however informally, isn't thinking about it? Maybe I'm just a high self-monitor, comparatively.

Finally, I don't understand why it would matter if my spouse fits in. He's not the one who's going to be working there.

 

[NeuroSync]

Oh, fit is definitely important. And being yourself. But are you really so confident that there isn't some part of you that, knowing that you are being judged, however informally, isn't thinking about it? Maybe I'm just a high self-monitor, comparatively.

Finally, I don't understand why it would matter if my spouse fits in. He's not the one who's going to be working there.

No, not confident, just resigned. 🙂 I'm a lot older than most applicants, I am switching careers from another profession, and my best skills are probably reading and communicating with people. I guess the social events just aren't a high stress environment for me. I can pretty much get along with and enjoy being around just about anyone. I will be humbled to match ANYWHERE. I just don't want to put the added stress on myself of wondering who likes me and who doesn't, while attempting to tailor my style to manipulate that. For me, I would not come across in a natural, relaxed way if I tried to do that. So I genuinely just enjoy the people I am meeting, and it seems to work out. So as I said, I'm not overly confident, I'm just resigned (in a positive way)...

In terms of the importance of a spouse fitting in, I guess it depends upon how social you are, whether or not you want your spouse to enjoy your coworkers and your new environment (which will be a huge part of your life). My spouse knows me pretty well and always has some good feedback about the positives and negatives that he sees in a place, people, and a program. I value that feedback. I also want him to be happy. Part of what goes into that happiness is MY happiness, and also how he will fit into the area and with the people. Perhaps none of those things are true for you, and that's fine, too. What ever works for you is great! There are lots of ways to skin a cat!

 

[Baditude]

No, not confident, just resigned. 🙂 I'm a lot older than most applicants, I am switching careers from another profession, and my best skills are probably reading and communicating with people. I guess the social events just aren't a high stress environment for me. I can pretty much get along with and enjoy being around just about anyone. I will be humbled to match ANYWHERE. I just don't want to put the added stress on myself of wondering who likes me and who doesn't, while attempting to tailor my style to manipulate that. For me, I would not come across in a natural, relaxed way if I tried to do that. So I genuinely just enjoy the people I am meeting, and it seems to work out. So as I said, I'm not overly confident, I'm just resigned (in a positive way)...

In terms of the importance of a spouse fitting in, I guess it depends upon how social you are, whether or not you want your spouse to enjoy your coworkers and your new environment (which will be a huge part of your life). My spouse knows me pretty well and always has some good feedback about the positives and negatives that he sees in a place, people, and a program. I value that feedback. I also want him to be happy. Part of what goes into that happiness is MY happiness, and also how he will fit into the area and with the people. Perhaps none of those things are true for you, and that's fine, too. What ever works for you is great! There are lots of ways to skin a cat!

I am glad you chimed in as I am also an older female med student and I was concerned about the age issue putting a damper on a social situation, add to that my husband is 7 years older than I am and has no connection to the medical field, so I worry about us being "the odd old farts". That said I have never had an issue in regards to age so far.
I also feel that a program that made me feel uncomfortable in that situation would probably not be right for me in the long run anyway. But there is always a bit of insecurity when you are different in some way.

 

[NeuroSync]

I am glad you chimed in as I am also an older female med student and I was concerned about the age issue putting a damper on a social situation, add to that my husband is 7 years older than I am and has no connection to the medical field, so I worry about us being "the odd old farts". That said I have never had an issue in regards to age so far.
I also feel that a program that made me feel uncomfortable in that situation would probably not be right for me in the long run anyway. But there is always a bit of insecurity when you are different in some way.

That's funny. My husband is ALSO 7 years older, but he is a neurologist. It's not that I don't care about what people think. I do. I care that I respect the culture of the group, that I'm polite, etc. So I am a little bit reserved until I have a chance to observe people and get the "vibe." With that being said, I don't stress about whether or not they like me. 🙂

 

[Baditude]

That's funny. My husband is ALSO 7 years older, but he is a neurologist. It's not that I don't care about what people think. I do. I care that I respect the culture of the group, that I'm polite, etc. So I am a little bit reserved until I have a chance to observe people and get the "vibe." With that being said, I don't stress about whether or not they like me. 🙂

I would describe myself the same way .....a little reserved until I get to know you. I do care what people think and I do like to be involved "in the group" but I also have a different life outside the hospital. I have 2 kids that are teenagers and a husband who is a mechanic and races on the weekends (kids do too). So my life is so different. I have found some people find it very interesting and other people see me as a different "class" of people.
Maybe I will get to meet you along the way somewhere as next match season I will be making the rounds and I am sure hoping someone sees me for who I am and not the age, school, outside life etc.

 

[NeuroSync]

I would describe myself the same way .....a little reserved until I get to know you. I do care what people think and I do like to be involved "in the group" but I also have a different life outside the hospital. I have 2 kids that are teenagers and a husband who is a mechanic and races on the weekends (kids do too). So my life is so different. I have found some people find it very interesting and other people see me as a different "class" of people.
Maybe I will get to meet you along the way somewhere as next match season I will be making the rounds and I am sure hoping someone sees me for who I am and not the age, school, outside life etc.

A different "class" of person??? That would be really sad, if true. Probably the most intelligent guy I know is a skiboot fitter in Boulder. He dropped out of law school because he didn't like the vibe. The dude is happy and smart as hell. Occupation does not make class, intelligence, or anything else. If someone judged you for that, I'd cut 'em loose. 🙂

 

[tybalt]

A different "class" of person??? That would be really sad, if true. Probably the most intelligent guy I know is a skiboot fitter in Boulder. He dropped out of law school because he didn't like the vibe. The dude is happy and smart as hell. Occupation does not make class, intelligence, or anything else. If someone judged you for that, I'd cut 'em loose. 🙂

Funny enough when I'm in a conversation about families and it comes out that my dad was an electrician/my mom stayed at home/my sister is a waitress, I definitely get a similar vibe. It's the "Oohhh.... really? Hmmm." People can be fairly socially inept at times. (Not everybody! Just some people!)

 

[EM2BE]

Funny enough when I'm in a conversation about families and it comes out that my dad was an electrician/my mom stayed at home/my sister is a waitress, I definitely get a similar vibe. It's the "Oohhh.... really? Hmmm." People can be fairly socially inept at times. (Not everybody! Just some people!)

Wow...If I listed occupations for my family, I would talk for about 15 minutes. I'm sure they'd cut me off at some point in there... (if/when this comes up for me next year).

 

[GoBuckeyes913]

This is a totally different perspective, and I may be the only person that is going to openly admit it.

I personally hate when residency socials feel like "couples-night-out", and a few times I have kinda just sat there and been blocked out of convo from residents' wives blabbing to eachother about x,y,z. One was even snobby to me (i'm super outgoing, so it was really uncomfortable, just weird). They don't really care about the candidates the way the residents do. Yes, I realize their S.O's are "part of them, and their lives", and it's a nice idea to bring them along, but definitely can do more without them than with during these interview times. They aren't going to be in the ED working with me, and are not directly involved in the residency (for the majority). I'm not anti-S.O. by any means, nor am I a bitter single person. Just giving another P.O.V. from personal experience.
It's hard when you're flying solo and the group that knows eachother doubles, and talks about stories of past and present.... nothing really about the program, etc. It's annoying and hard to jump into convos like that, and you get the "3rd wheel"/outsider feeling. Not cool.
I realize this thread is mainly for us interviewees and our S.O., but felt the need to say something for residents reading it.
So if you're wondering what some single people are thinking when it's "couples-night-out-residency-social", now you know.