Pressure to Decide - How to Handle?

[Apogee31]

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So obviously we're all still waiting to hear back from programs/interviewing, etc. and I know that this topic might come off as kind of insensitive (which I acknowledge and apologize for in advance if so), but a problem recently developed that I'm not sure how to approach but need to address very soon. I've received a couple early offers, and while one has been very understanding and given me time to decide, I feel a lot of pressure from another (that I just heard from) to make my decision immediately. I already have commitments to interview or attend recruitment weekends at other schools through the beginning of next month, and some departments I've applied to haven't even begun extending invitations to interview in general. I'm sensitive to other applicants and have already declined some interviews in hopes that they can extend the offer to other applicants but I would still like to see what it might be like at school X and school Y. I really do like the pressuring school, but I feel that I have invested so much into this process that to make my choice without even exploring my other strong options will make me wonder about what my life would be like if I hadn't been forced to make a rash decision. I also understand the pressuring school's concerns (if I don't accept and tell them sooner, they might be able to grab their next choice) and of the person next in line, who might then be able to get into his/her first choice. I'm aware of all of this, but am I asking too much to request a delay in deciding until after I fulfill my other commitments to visit and interview?? Please let me know what you think or how I should handle this situation. I'm really lost and overwhelmed and feel really guilty. I don't want to disappoint or cause any problems for anyone else, but I also want to be sure that I know what my options are and that I'm making the more informed choice with confidence instead of the uncertainty I feel now...ugh. Please help!

 

[BorntoRun]

That is a tough position to be in -- it's your life, and you are not obligated to give anyone an answer until April 15th. However, you should never hold more than 2 offers (and ideally, not more than 1 offer for any length of time) at once. If you have two offers, work very hard to decide between them and turn down the less preferred one as soon as possible (even if you haven't been to all your interviews). Then, by all means, hold on to the offer you prefer most while you attend your other interviews, until you know for sure. As other offers come in, weigh them against each other in turn. They are right to pressure you to narrow your offers down to one as soon as possible, but they are wrong if they are telling you that you must choose the program you will attend before April 15th.

 

[empathiosis]

Congratulations! It's a bummer you don't seem to be enjoying your good fortune. I'd be really mad at the Pressuriing School if I were you and unless they were my first choice I would have turned them down already.

According to the Council of Graduate Departments of Psychology Resolution, you have until April 15 to decide and the school should NOT be pressuring you.
See the entire resolution here: http://www.apa.org/ed/accept.html

While I understand and sympathize with guilt and indecision, I applaud your realization that you have a right to visit the other schools. Like most of us, you have probably worked very hard to get to this point. You probably put a lot of time and effort into your applications, and it has now paid off! Congratulations! Don't let those of us who have not received multiple offers take away your pleasure. Enjoy the attention you're getting! You're hot! And don't worry about Pressure University. If they really want you, they will wait. In fact, they have to. They can't retract their offer.

Definitely go visit the other schools that have invited you. You've worked too hard not to consider all your options. One thing that might lessen your guilt is to try to decide between the two schools and give up the least desirable offer.

Don't let them pressure you ... Enjoy this time ... Get the most out of it.

 

[JockNerd]

As emp mentioned, it's against apa rules to pressure applicants. I'm pretty sure there's actually a mechanism to report that, but I doubt anyone ever does.

You and the other two posters are right that you have the complete right to hold back on making a decision. It's ridiculously early in the interview season for the school to try to pressure you anyway. Kudos to you for not giving in to the pressure--I've seen posts on sdn from people who were pressured into accepting, and then wanted to know if they could withdraw that because they got a better offer elsewhere.

I'm aware of all of this, but am I asking too much to request a delay in deciding until after I fulfill my other commitments to visit and interview??

You're not, not, not asking anything. Just obliterate that thought. The school has to wait for you. You're not requesting a delay; you're under no obligation from anyone to give an answer before April 15. You're exercising your right to be able to make an informed decision about where to undertake your graduate education.

 

[deleted176373]

As someone who waited on the waiting list (2 years in a row!) till April 12th, I encourage you to take your time!!!

Sorry, If a program is pressuring you they are in the wrong, and shame on them, they know better!

You need to simply tell them that they need to wait until you have all the information you need to decide. While you are extremely flattered by their offer you will not decide until you have finished your interviews and have heard from all the schools. After all, did they make an offer before they examined all the candidates? Be polite but firm, ask that they refrain from pressuring you, and that you hope they will respect the spirit of the COGDOP guidelines.

Alternately, you can accept and withdraw before the 15th if you get a better offer. I would not do this though, as I think it shows bad form.

Mark

 

[psy86]

This happened to me. I ended up deciding that if they were making me feel this uncomfortable before I was even admitted, I certainly didn't want to be spending the next five years with the people who were pressuring me. Your situation may be quite different, but I encourage you to stand your ground and not make any decisions before you are ready.

 

[Apogee31]

Thank you, everyone, for your support! I think I really needed to hear that. I've already felt so guilty about what I thought would be a happy event by constantly trying to be considerate to everyone (not wanting to screw over a school, another applicant, or myself in the process!). And just to address BorntoRun's and empathiosis's suggestion, I know I should only keep one proposal active. However, I had always been scheduled to visit School #1 at the end of the month, and then I heard from School #2 (Pressure U. 🙂 ), and although I like School #2 better, which I have been able to visit, I just felt that I knew so much less about School #1, and didn't want to decline without even meeting the faculty in person or seeing the campus. Normally, I would have declined one immediately, but this is just a unique situation. Psy86: that's a good point, too. I understand Pressure U's concern - although I want to be open and hope that this is just a unique situation (?). Markp: yes, I agree and I think it's really improper to accept and then decline, and I would never do that, which makes this part a bit harder and a bit longer. Jocknerd: yes, it feels so early (i mean if some schools haven't even extended interviews yet). It's almost like some schools are trying to "cash in" on their earlier deadlines - I didn't know the grad. school admissions process would be like this...

 

[BorntoRun]

Haha... Pressure U... I love it!!

 

[LM02]

Without repeating what everyone else has said (because you've already gotten GREAT advice), I just wanted to chime in briefly.

Pressure U knows good and well that this is still very early in the game, so it's a bit concerning that they would expect a decision right away. I've had this happen to a few friends over the years - and, interestingly enough, it has always come from the same school in southern california. The message that was sent often seemed to be one of "we're the best, so why would you even entertain other possibilities?" Um, depending on your personality, that may or may not be the environment you want to be in for the next 4-5 years. But on the flip side, you know this school (whichever school it is!) really wants you - and that is quite flattering! 🙂

Also, I wouldn't go as far as to say that you should NEVER hold on to 2 offers at once. If you really can't decide between two (or even 3 - gasp!) programs, it is entirely your right to hold multiple offers while you weigh the pros and cons of each (and maybe squeeze in a little negotiation!). Obviously, once you do decide, the etiquette is to notify the schools as soon as you know. But you should never feel pressured to make a premature decision.

Good luck - it sounds like you're going to have lots of choices to make! 🙂

 

[xlittlemissalix]

I was always worried about what I would do in this situation. (Un)fortunately, I don't have to worry about that.

I've always been told though that you should never hold onto more than 1 offer at once. Being the incredibly indecisive person that I am, I understand that some people are going to hold onto more than 1 offer sometimes. I would just suggest deciding between the two fairly quickly so that other people have a chance. However, don't decide too quickly so that after you've already made your decision you're contemplating whether or not you made the right choice. You should be confident before declining an offer.

I think I just repeated what everyone else said, but hey, at least you know that I am in agreement. Haha.

 

[psychanon]

I'm basically reiterating what others have said, but here goes:
- You have every right to wait until April 15th, and any school who tells you otherwise is violating policy.
- You definitely shouldn't hold multiple offers if you can avoid it, out of courtesy to other applicants and the programs themselves.
-However, if you do not yet have all the information available to make a decision between two programs, you should wait until you have that information available to you. This is the situation that it sounds like you are in. Even if you could make a choice between these two schools, you probably want to check out other schools before you actually accept one of the offers. This is well within your rights and there's nothing rude about it, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

The annoying thing is when applicants go around bragging about how many offers they have, and kind of just sit there basking in it. It's also annoying (but less so) when applicants have all the information they need to make a decision (they've visited all their potential schools and are just going back and forth). In the latter case, they're procrastinating on making a decision, just waiting for some new information to fall from the sky and tell them which school to pick, which isn't going to happen. It really doesn't sound like you fit in either of these categories. You're being courteous and trying to make an informed decision, and the program is pushing you into be hasty. They can't withdraw your offer or anything if you tell them to wait, so don't worry. And congratulations!

 

[Apogee31]

Hi. Thanks again to everyone for all your advice! In subsequent e-mail correspondence with my POI at Pressure U, I've restated my desire to fulfill my previous obligations (at least some of them) to other programs and Press. U has been a lot more relaxed about it. We initially spoke over the phone, so maybe the immediacy of the situation hit Press. U then but now its had a chance to calm down a bit and examine the situation from my perspective.

 

[empathiosis]

Good news Apogee! It sounds to me like you really like PressU and may be going there ... but you just want a chance to check out the other schools -- no harm in that. How many invites did you get anyway? To what do you attribute your desirability if I may ask ...

Hi. Thanks again to everyone for all your advice! In subsequent e-mail correspondence with my POI at Pressure U, I've restated my desire to fulfill my previous obligations (at least some of them) to other programs and Press. U has been a lot more relaxed about it. We initially spoke over the phone, so maybe the immediacy of the situation hit Press. U then but now its had a chance to calm down a bit and examine the situation from my perspective.