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PS Review Please!

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adrian710

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IF ANYONE HAS 5 MIN TO READ MY PS AND GIVE ME FEEDBACK I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER!
THANK YOU!

Soccer and medicine - they seem worlds apart, but both have molded me into the individual I am today and whom I look to be in the future. Soccer has motivated me to become the best at what I do and push me to always work on my weaknesses. Medicine has humbled me, challenged my adolescent years, and given me a bright purpose for my future.

Raised by a second-generation Italian mother and first-generation English father, my passion for soccer is unyielding. I have played ever since I was a little boy. I first started playing in the neighborhood casual recreational league, but as I grew older, I started playing more competitively, and eventually started playing for one of the highest rated Michigan travel soccer clubs, known as Vardar.
Vardar brought a new dimension into my life. All of a sudden, at 13 years old, I started training three to four times a week just so I could make the starting team for the weekend games or upcoming showcasing tournaments. I was motivated and did not accept my failures, but greeted them with a challenge and long hours after my teammates had already gone home. I remember one particular afternoon; I spent three hours after practice solely working on my free kicks, improving every detail in my technique. I am a team player as well. My work ethic exceeds success for myself and radiates to my teammates.

By the age of fourteen I was picked to play for Vardar’s Youth Academy team. We were exceptional players and at this point in my career I was considering soccer as my future professional career choice. But then something happened in my life that had more impact on me than anything soccer related ever could have.
My mother was diagnosed with stage three uterine leiomyosarcoma in January 2009. My mother, with such courage and optimism, opted to not go through the traditional chemotherapy route because the survival rate was only 50%, but instead involved herself into a clinical trial. This is where I met Dr. Scott Schuetze. He was my mother’s oncologist and put her through this new clinical trial at the University of Michigan. Since my mother has been completely cleared of her cancer, I can look back and say those days really changed me and outlined my future self.

When my mother told me about her cancer, I thought the worst, but vowed to go with her to all her appointments. After meeting her doctors and all the nurses, I felt much more at ease. All these people cared so much and wanted to help so badly. I saw the hope in my mother’s eyes each time Dr. Schuetze would mention that the treatment was going well. I wanted that. I was addicted to the power of hope and love these doctors had. I wanted to be looked as someone who only has the intention to help and cure.

The combination of my soccer habits - determination and taste for success in parallel with my compassion and love for medicine will allow me to be a very well rounded and effective doctor. Not only do I work extremely hard at everything I do to reach my goals, but also I do so with such passion and awareness of the people around me.
 
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Dr. Death

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I think it is prudent to remove your name when posting anything on SDN. I like the story. The second to last paragraph seems a bit out of place chronologically. Your mother was cleared of cancer and then you talk about when she told you about her cancer.

Take this just as a suggestion but I thought "OK that is a great story but what have you done since then?" Many people have experiences where they say they want to be a physician but your PS doesn't really show that you know what being a Dr. entails. But perhaps the rest of your application will paint that story. Just my .02. I like it. 7.5/10
 

adrian710

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I think it is prudent to remove your name when posting anything on SDN. I like the story. The second to last paragraph seems a bit out of place chronologically. Your mother was cleared of cancer and then you talk about when she told you about her cancer.

Take this just as a suggestion but I thought "OK that is a great story but what have you done since then?" Many people have experiences where they say they want to be a physician but your PS doesn't really show that you know what being a Dr. entails. But perhaps the rest of your application will paint that story. Just my .02. I like it. 7.5/10
Thanks for the feedback. You are right about the chronological order - I shall fix that. After my "story" should I talk about my experiences in a paragraph then or something?
 

osteohack10

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You might consider talking about activities you've moved into in the medicine sphere since then. It's a great start, but I don't think giving a few examples of ways it's changed you would hurt.
 

Monkitty

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After reading this, I'm left feeling unfulfilled. Like the meal I ordered looked bigger on the menu than what ended up on my plate. It's a good start but needs some work.

1). It's short. It clocks in at around 3000 characters. You got 1500 more to use (Supersize for only $.99! 50% bigger!). USE THEM, your PS is how you distinguish yourself from everyone else who has a GPA, MCAT, volunteer experiences in the same ball park.

2). Along with the length, you talk about soccer for nearly 1/2 of the paper. Also, the soccer experiences are all pre-HS. I don't know if the "HS activities don't count for jack" rule applies to the PS, but maybe pull in something more recent (as noted above).

3). The medical side of things is short, flesh it out. You mention your "compassion and love of medicine" in your conclusion, but I don't really see evidence of that elsewhere. Remember, this is all about "Who am I?" and "Why medicine". We got the "Who am I" with soccer, but the "Why medicine?" needs to be fleshed out.

I guess in short, FLESH THIS OUT. You got a lot more characters to use, so give the "Why medicine?" portion of this as much or more thought as the soccer side. Right now the soccer side dominates.

Good luck.
 
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adrian710

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After reading this, I'm left feeling unfulfilled. Like the meal I ordered looked bigger on the menu than what ended up on my plate. It's a good start but needs some work.

1). It's short. It clocks in at around 3000 characters. You got 1500 more to use (Supersize for only $.99! 50% bigger!). USE THEM, your PS is how you distinguish yourself from everyone else who has a GPA, MCAT, volunteer experiences in the same ball park.

2). Along with the length, you talk about soccer for nearly 1/2 of the paper. Also, the soccer experiences are all pre-HS. I don't know if the "HS activities don't count for jack" rule applies to the PS, but maybe pull in something more recent (as noted above).

3). The medical side of things is short, flesh it out. You mention your "compassion and love of medicine" in your conclusion, but I don't really see evidence of that elsewhere. Remember, this is all about "Who am I?" and "Why medicine". We got the "Who am I" with soccer, but the "Why medicine?" needs to be fleshed out.

I guess in short, FLESH THIS OUT. You got a lot more characters to use, so give the "Why medicine?" portion of this as much or more thought as the soccer side. Right now the soccer side dominates.

Good luck.
Thank you. I will def revise. Once I revise and make it a little better, I am sending it your way again. Hope that's alright.
 

hallowmann

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For your own benefit, I'd strongly recommend removing all identifiable information (names, schools, etc.) from this post. I would also strongly recommend not publicly posting your entire PS. Ask for volunteers to give you feedback and then send it to them privately with the modification I already suggested.

Publicly posting something as personal and detailed as your personal statement should not be publicly posted for anyone, including school officials, to see.
 
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Monkitty

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Thank you. I will def revise. Once I revise and make it a little better, I am sending it your way again. Hope that's alright.

Feel free to PM to me if you want. Full disclosure: I'm applying this cycle as well, so feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt.
 

Solving4gravity

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Agree with the above advice. Some people say otherwise (and with valid reasons), but I chose to add why DO? in addition the obvious why medicine? I thought it was a good chance to separate myself and demonstrate how genuinely interested I was in osteopathic medicine, specifically. I also can say it was a really good talking point while discussing osteopathic medicine at all my interviews. Just my thoughts.
 

kderekb

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I agree with Monkitty, had a good transition from the soccer story to your mom, but left me wanting more.
 

TrueWolverine

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Along with what has already been said, I would maybe re-write some of the sentences so there's not so many "I"s. There were a lot of parts that were "I this, I that, I this" that could be re-worded so as to show more than tell. Sounds like you're on the right track though and is a great start.

I'm applying this cycle as well so I'm no expert but that's just some of the advice I've been given.
 
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