Relationships in Med School

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Narmerguy

Narmerguy

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I've been curious about this for some time. How likely is it that someone who is going through the medical school can maintain a dating relationship? I ask dating because I wonder if the absence of serious commitment(marriage) causes your partner to feel less secure about the relationship. For example, would a boyfriend/girlfriend feel neglected becuase you spend most of your day studying and have little time to be romantic with them?

Are marriages affected either? Thanks guys 👍

Oh and if this has been discussed for medical school before let me know, I don't read the medical school forums often.
 
I can tell you about my experience. I planned to be the studly medical student who wooed all the women with my charm, good looks, knowledge of the Krebs cycle and the way I wore my stethoscope. I then, however, met HER the summer before I headed to med school. We dated during my first year. She lived in a different state for half of the year and some pretty impressive phone bills, lots of plane tickets and lower grades were all results of the relationship. I asked her to marry me halfway through. She accepted and moved an hour away from me. Lots of money on gasoline, overnights at her place (no need to elaborate) and lower grades were results that semester. We were married the next summer. Grades improved and life was good. We are still happily married and our second child is due in October. I wouldn't change any of it because everything turned out just right. For me, study time suffered (especially in that ultra-passionate early stage of a relationship where you just NEED to be together) but it was worth it and a person with better study habits than I could make it work even better.
 
It depends a lot on the relationship, and a lot on how you deal with stress. I was dating a guy semi-seriously when I started, and I have to agree, it took up a chunk of my study time, and my grades weren't as good as they could have been. I also didn't deal with the stress well my first semester, because I'd never really had to study in college, and I just didn't quite know how to go about it. I guess I took it out on my bf too much, because we ended up breaking up for a while. It worked out in the end though, as these things do. I realized that he was fine with me focusing on my studies and not having as much time for him; especially if that meant when I did spend time with him, I was less stressed and more pleasant because I didn't feel like I should be working instead of playing. Another word of advice, if you do think you wanna marry this person, for the love of all that is sweet and pure do it the summer after your first year. There is really no convenient time again until 4th year. Sigh.
 
Narmerguy said:
I've been curious about this for some time. How likely is it that someone who is going through the medical school can maintain a dating relationship? I ask dating because I wonder if the absence of serious commitment(marriage) causes your partner to feel less secure about the relationship. For example, would a boyfriend/girlfriend feel neglected becuase you spend most of your day studying and have little time to be romantic with them?

Are marriages affected either? Thanks guys 👍

Oh and if this has been discussed for medical school before let me know, I don't read the medical school forums often.
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Most marriages and longterm (multiple year) relationships where both partners are local seem to stay together. Most longdistance nonmarried relationships and shorter term romances don't.
 
I'm dating someone and it's going fine. Part of the reason is that he has hobbies, moonlights to pay off his student loans, and is generally a very busy guy. I can do plenty of studying during those times when he's busy anyway, and I seldom feel like I'm neglecting him. The weekend before exams I'm a little less available, but he takes it in stride because he has a very full life, too.
 
Honestly, I don't know how I would have survived first year had it not been for my boyfriend. Sure, I didn't get to spend as much quality time with him as I would have liked and it was especially hard with him also being in med school and not having to study nearly as much as me (his med school isn't quite as fast-paced as mine, and I'd say he's also smarter than me), but I don't know how I would have done it had I not had his emotional support during my many emotional breakdowns. And now that I'm on surgery and see him for less than 2 hours per day (and he lives with me), I still feel the same way.

Relationships aren't just about worrying about the time you're not going to be able to spend with the other person but are also about how great their support is going to be. Don't worry about things...if you meet someone that you like, don't hesitate to try it out.
 
Going to med school isn't all that different than having a stressful job or other types of graduate/professional school. Yes, there are going to be times where it is difficult to balance your life, but in general there *is* time to have a life out of med school. It is all about priorities - if you don't make your relationship a priority, you will have trouble. Studying all day isn't necessary, and if you find yourself needing to spend every spare moment studying..well, you need to either relax (if you're just an overachiever) or work on your study skills (if you're really floundering). Your partner also needs to be somewhat understanding, especially around exam times. As MrBurns10 mentioned, they can be a great source of support too.

Now, third year is a different story - if you aren't already in a relationship by 3rd year, you probably don't want to look to start one. But, all in all, med school is not a good excuse for not starting a new relationship. That "honeymoon phase" of the relationship might be tricky, but I think it is for anybody who has responsibilities in the real world.
 
MrBurns10 said:
Honestly, I don't know how I would have survived first year had it not been for my boyfriend. Sure, I didn't get to spend as much quality time with him as I would have liked and it was especially hard with him also being in med school and not having to study nearly as much as me (his med school isn't quite as fast-paced as mine, and I'd say he's also smarter than me), but I don't know how I would have done it had I not had his emotional support during my many emotional breakdowns. And now that I'm on surgery and see him for less than 2 hours per day (and he lives with me), I still feel the same way.

Relationships aren't just about worrying about the time you're not going to be able to spend with the other person but are also about how great their support is going to be. Don't worry about things...if you meet someone that you like, don't hesitate to try it out.
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Forums are funny. I had you pegged as a guy.
 
MossPoh said:
Still nothing to say MrBurns isnt. 😉 A relationship is a relationship!
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I am even pro gay rights and I didn't think of that. Duh. I thought maybe it was something like ladynice being a guy.
 
TRAMD said:
I am even pro gay rights and I didn't think of that. Duh. I thought maybe it was something like ladynice being a guy.
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Good reminder about not jumping to conclusions, but in this case I'm pretty sure MrBurns10 is a woman.
 
TRAMD said:
I am even pro gay rights and I didn't think of that. Duh. I thought maybe it was something like ladynice being a guy.
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Haha, nah my screenname just reflects my adoration of a certain Simpsons character. I am indeed female.
 
I think you will find that you have plenty of time for relationships in MS 1/2. Moore, Netter, Costanzo, Robbins, etc - you will form a deep and meaningful bond with all of them.


Joking aside though - it's definitely possible. Some people in my class are even marred with kids. Of course, if you're dating someone, it helps if your BF/GF is not high-maintenance.
 
Prior to moving to another state for medical school, I was in a serious relationship of ~2 years. We made it work long-distance during the first two years of medical school by seeing each other monthly -- I flew down for Thanksgiving, winter break, and other three-day weekends, and he came up on low-stress weekends (i.e. no exam coming up or just had an exam). We also made sure to talk to each other nightly and update each other on what happened during the day. In fact we probably talked two to three times (just a minute or two) during the day prior to our "night conversation." We made this cheesy rule that we would never go to bed in the middle of an argument or mad at each other. And that's what worked for us. I went back summer between first and second year as well as went home to study for boards. He's been an incredible source of support and encouragement. It's been really quite hard at times, but it is worth it.

He's actually moving up here in a month, and I'm really excited though also scared I won't be able to spend much time with him since I'm in my third year now. But we've already talked about it... so I really think that it is about balance and good communication, just as the others have said.
 
MrBurns10 said:
Don't worry about things...if you meet someone that you like, don't hesitate to try it out.
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Incredibly sound advice.

Ambs said:
... We made it work long-distance during the first two years of medical school by seeing each other monthly ... We also made sure to talk to each other nightly ... We made this cheesy rule that we would never go to bed in the middle of an argument or mad at each other ...
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There is absolutely nothing cheesy about that. That's just... fantastic.
 
i, sort of like tramd, planned to go to med school single, but then i met my now boyfriend at the beginning of the summer. i am not 28 hours by land/5-6 hours by plane, and 2 time zones away. but things are still going great.

what i think really helps is that before i left, we discussed expectations and schedules. i made sure he understood how i would be busy and stressed. i think it really helped because not a lot of people know what medical school is like. we are planning on doing long distance this first year and then he is going to get a job down here after that.

don't be scared of long distance. if both of you are in it for the long haul, then a few hundred/thousand miles shouldn't stop you. the biggest issue, in my opinion, is trust in situations like this. but if committed, that should be easy to work through. it is great having space during these first few months so that i can learn how to study and get into a schedule. if he were actually here, i would feel bad that i couldn't hang out with him enough. a few conversations during the day, however, is a lot easier to handle.
 
I was not expecting such successed 🙂 I thought it'd be a lot harder but I'm pleasantly surprised. I do find it interesting that nearly all of the responses have been women. Do mean experience greater difficulty for whatever reason? Or is it simple reluctance to respond? 🙂
 
Wow, this post is pretty much nothing but success stories! That's awesome. I've been dating my bf forever and we're going to get married probably right after college or in med school, and I'm so glad to hear all the positive posts.

I'm just curious, can I pose the next relationship step to you guys - when do you have children if you're going to be a female doc? For instance, I've heard everything from your 4th year of school to late in residency to after you're in practice... any thoughts?
 
Narmerguy said:
I've been curious about this for some time. How likely is it that someone who is going through the medical school can maintain a dating relationship? I ask dating because I wonder if the absence of serious commitment(marriage) causes your partner to feel less secure about the relationship. For example, would a boyfriend/girlfriend feel neglected becuase you spend most of your day studying and have little time to be romantic with them?

Are marriages affected either? Thanks guys 👍

Oh and if this has been discussed for medical school before let me know, I don't read the medical school forums often.
Click to expand...

It's hard I think to keep a steady relationship duing your internship in med school. You do a lot of things and the truth is that you actually don't have all the time.. you're busy! and that's it.

No time for dating for me i guess...
 
es255305 said:
I'm just curious, can I pose the next relationship step to you guys - when do you have children if you're going to be a female doc? For instance, I've heard everything from your 4th year of school to late in residency to after you're in practice... any thoughts?
Click to expand...

I think you can make it work whenever you want, but if you have children during medical school, it's probably going to be tough during residency. I think it's more doable if you have a supportive partner with a more stable schedule. A few of my classmates (both men and women) had children during first and second year. It didn't make life easier for them, but they got through. I think it's a personal decision, and one that shouldn't depend absolutely on the med school timeline.

I'm having a hard time deciding this for myself. I think it will be in the next few years while I'm doing my PhD (my husband is a few years older and doesn't want to be an old fogey when our kids graduate high school 😉), but when I go back to med school and do residency..it's going to be tough since I'll probably feel like I'm missing out on a lot of my kids' lives. I've debated about taking some time off or doing a postdoc after med school rather than going straight on to residency, but I'm not sure that would be the best for me professionally.
 
Personally, I am confused as to how to meet nonmed-students. Most of the students at my school I am finding to be quite into studying and are often tense. I don't have to study all the time, but I still do have to study a fair bit and can't seem to figure out how to meet non medstudents...I have decided celibacy and good grades go hand in hand anyways so all is not for naught.
 
Narmerguy said:
I do find it interesting that nearly all of the responses have been women. Do [men] experience greater difficulty for whatever reason? Or is it simple reluctance to respond? 🙂
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In my class most of the guys were already married, engaged, or got engaged during first year...or they're perpetually single. In fact, I can't think of any who've stayed with their girlfriend or managed to get a girlfriend. Moral of the story: you better commit 😉

es255305 said:
I'm just curious, can I pose the next relationship step to you guys - when do you have children if you're going to be a female doc? For instance, I've heard everything from your 4th year of school to late in residency to after you're in practice... any thoughts?
Click to expand...

My boyfriend's mom is a doctor. She had her first kid 4th year, another during residency, and two more while she was paying back her time to the airforce (the airforce was not at ALL pleased or understanding). Another girl a few classes above me had a baby right smack in the middle of her 2nd year of school. So, basically, you can make it work at any time. Your first kid is overwhelming regardless of what you're doing in life, and if you're constantly pushed farther than you thought you could go anyway -- what's one more thing?

swoop said:
Personally, I am confused as to how to meet nonmed-students. Most of the students at my school I am finding to be quite into studying and are often tense. I don't have to study all the time, but I still do have to study a fair bit and can't seem to figure out how to meet non medstudents...I have decided celibacy and good grades go hand in hand anyways so all is not for naught.
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Clearly your school's post-test ritual doesn't involve bars and attractive strangers like ours does, hah. Well...there's always eharmony.com :laugh:
 
my boyfriend is so supportive. he totally understands my increased stress level and does everything he can to help me out.

we have been dating for 3 years now so its definately something that probably helped us out since i already know what makes him mad, what i like, what i can do, etc. i think a new relationship woudl be harder.
 
My husband has been very supportive and I can't imagine my medschool experience without him. He is the only outsider who really understands what I'm going through because he see's me studying like crazy surrounded by my mountain of notes and highlighters and books etc. All your classmates understand but they are too stressed out themselves to really be there for you, and anyone who isn't around you much won't really get what you're going through and won't know how to be there for you. Sometimes I really need someone to ground me, someone who has my best interests in their heart.

I think our commitment to each other is important in getting us through the times when he feels lonely or like he isn't my first priority . . . we have years behind us that cement in his mind how much he means to me even when we don't get to spend time together before a test. At the end of first year he told me that me being in medschool wasn't nearly as bad as he had been imagining and that he doesn't feel that it has hurt our relationship in any way.
 
MrBurns10 said:
But the question is...are the good grades worth it? 😕
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They wouldn't be for me. My wife is definitely more important to me than medicine, and if I were actually faced with the decision, I'd take lower grades in order to keep our relationship going. However, for the most part, I have more than enough time to study as much as I am able to anyways, and spending time with her is rejuvenating.

I did four years of long-distance during college, and I married her before my first year. Things went quite well between us, and I still managed to get some respectable grades. I know a few married guys who have done extremely well in med school, so it's certainly not mutually exclusive.
 
TheProwler said:
They wouldn't be for me. My wife is definitely more important to me than medicine, and if I were actually faced with the decision, I'd take lower grades in order to keep our relationship going. However, for the most part, I have more than enough time to study as much as I am able to anyways, and spending time with her is rejuvenating.
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oh, just so you know I was being sarcastic in my comment...celibacy is not something that should ever have to be accepted for the sake of good grades 🙂

I am happy, however, that things have worked out so well for you. There are things in this world that are far more important than grades.
 
cool, thanks for the input and advice!
 
I like the upbeat feelings here. I have heard so much about relationships being impossible in medical school. I think this is a matter of what is most important to you.

I choose my husband, my family, and my life before anything else. So I am not a straight A student. Am I a B student? Yeah...and I am happy with it. I knew when I went to med school that I wanted to do primary care and I haven't done anything yet to hamper that.

I also see my husband. We find time to hang out and do both important and frivolous things. I still see my friends from before med school and I have managed to travel in a relaxing way. It is a priority system.

Just for yucks - last year I planned for speakers at a meeting: a couple of married docs. One of them we all knew pretty well as one of our course directors. At the end of the talk, during the Q and A, I asked how they made time for...ahem...intimacy... (they were talking about their relationship...and they have 6 kids).

He started to give a well spoken answer about making time and scheduling if need be. SHe interrupted him to say, grinning like a fiend..."Well, it doesn't really take that long". 😀:laugh::laugh::laugh:😀
 
abraxas20 said:
I also see my husband. We find time to hang out and do both important and frivolous things. I still see my friends from before med school and I have managed to travel in a relaxing way. It is a priority system.

...

I asked how they made time for...ahem...intimacy... (they were talking about their relationship...and they have 6 kids). He started to give a well spoken answer about making time and scheduling if need be. SHe interrupted him to say, grinning like a fiend..."Well, it doesn't really take that long". 😀:laugh::laugh::laugh:😀
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:laugh: Ouch. But yeah, as far as the priority bit goes, I'm assuming that it's not necessarily all that much unlike undergrad - just a bit harder to swing and retain whatever sanity we neurotic premedical kids have still retained by then.
 
I am applying for admission for the 2008 cycle. I just got engaged and we were thinking about having the wedding towards the end of my 1st year. Personally I would like to do it in June after my 1st year during the break but she wants to do it around April/May or October/November (which would be beginning of 2nd year). I guess April wouldn't be bad since we both are fine with a delayed honeymoon. Do you, the all knowing med students, see any problem with a wedding in either of these times mentioned? Thanks for the help
 
it seems like the best way to date is to date students in your med class. so are med school girls cute? are they really tense/stressed or easy-going? i bet they only want to study, huh?
 
how is it to actually meet people and date in medical school? im already super busy as a undergrad..though i try and make time im usually always doing something. i have no doubt that my free time will only decrease in medical school so...
 
You won't want to date people in med school. I mean, you'll want to, but then the consequences are HUGE HUGE. #1 being do you really want to see this person all day everyday, hear about this person who is friends with all of your friends, etc after you break up. #2 being do you really want to see the person you are in love with all day everyday, hear about this person who is friends with all of your friends while you're dating. It's a really tricky line to walk on, and I know after only three weeks that everyone here is toeing it very very cautiously. Also, time is a huge issue. For me, going from living with someone to dating someone who only has time to really hang out a few times a week is strange.
 
mindquick said:
it seems like the best way to date is to date students in your med class. so are med school girls cute? are they really tense/stressed or easy-going? i bet they only want to study, huh?
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Some girls are very cute (at least where I go to school), but dating within class could be a recipe for disaster.
 
sprinkibrio said:
You won't want to date people in med school. I mean, you'll want to, but then the consequences are HUGE HUGE. #1 being do you really want to see this person all day everyday, hear about this person who is friends with all of your friends, etc after you break up. #2 being do you really want to see the person you are in love with all day everyday, hear about this person who is friends with all of your friends while you're dating. It's a really tricky line to walk on, and I know after only three weeks that everyone here is toeing it very very cautiously. Also, time is a huge issue. For me, going from living with someone to dating someone who only has time to really hang out a few times a week is strange.
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Wise words.

But as to the bold part, it's all relative. From current and past relationships, I can say that I'd be happy to hang out a few times a week.
 
Narmerguy said:
I've been curious about this for some time. How likely is it that someone who is going through the medical school can maintain a dating relationship? I ask dating because I wonder if the absence of serious commitment(marriage) causes your partner to feel less secure about the relationship. For example, would a boyfriend/girlfriend feel neglected becuase you spend most of your day studying and have little time to be romantic with them?

Are marriages affected either? Thanks guys 👍

Oh and if this has been discussed for medical school before let me know, I don't read the medical school forums often.
Click to expand...

I have been dating my girlfriend since 1st year and we are now couples matching (she's doing OB and I'm doing radiation oncology). So it's definitely possible.
 
Ok... so don't date your classmates. But if you're pulling crazy study-hours...

1.) where are you going to find someone that isn't a classmate?
2.) how is said someone going to understand the fact that you are going to have to lock yourself away for hours/days on end to study?
 
Depakote said:
Ok... so don't date your classmates. But if you're pulling crazy study-hours...

1.) where are you going to find someone that isn't a classmate?
2.) how is said someone going to understand the fact that you are going to have to lock yourself away for hours/days on end to study?
Click to expand...
You could try posting an ad here on SDN. We ain't called the Student Dating Network for nothin'. 😉 😍
 
Medicine Is All I Have ... The Relationship Is Of Less Importance... I Fell In Love With Medicine Before She Came Along. I Will Be With Medicine When She Decides To Leave.
 
Akuffo said:
Medicine Is All I Have ... The Relationship Is Of Less Importance... I Fell In Love With Medicine Before She Came Along. I Will Be With Medicine When She Decides To Leave.
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That's a very optimistic view of relationships you got there.
 
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