Relationships in vet school

[Kodiak-Bear]

Advertisement - Members don't see this ad

Hey all, I need some serious advice. So after getting accepted to ohio state, my partner moved from Madison, WI to come with me. We've now been here around 8 months and she hates it. She hates her job, she doesn't have any friends, and I don't know what to do. She is considering breaking things off to move back and ofc I don't want that. She feels really lost right now and so do I. Have any of you experienced this with a partner moving with you to vet school?

 

[katiemcat]

Hi! My husband moved from our undergrad town to Gainesville with me for vet school while we were still dating. He’s 5 years older than me so he already had established some deeper roots there. I am forever grateful he believed in and valued our relationship enough to take that jump with me. Expressing this gratitude is very important IMO.

He’s a very stoic guy and doesn’t complain but I could tell it was hard for him. I was meeting people at school but other than that we didn’t know anyone in town. The difference in the environment of the city was also a lot. I introduced him to my new vet school friends even though he thought they’d have nothing in common. They got along great, he especially got along with one of my friends significant others. We created a DnD group that met every weekend. I also made its point we go out on an adventure / date once a week and explore. We found a local little coffee place / kava bar and ended up making a lot of friends in town that way. We also make it a point to visit our old town when we can (luckily only 2.5 hrs away) whether it be for a football game or just to hang out with some of our old friends. This was honestly great for my mental health as well because sometimes I just needed to get AWAY from the vet school and be with people who weren’t going to bring up the latest exam average.

Now that I’m just about done with vet school we have agreed that while we don’t love the town - we had some great experiences here and met a lot of fantastic people. We are now moving for my rotating which I specifically chose to be near his family. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

On the job aspect I don’t know how much advice I can give because my husband loves his job and he was lucky enough to be able to transfer the same position here. I would encourage her to reflect a bit on whether it’s the position, the people, the hours, or just the loneliness is seeping into that too. But I will say - working a job you dread going to everyday isn’t sustainable and it’s going to end up taking a serious toll on anyone.

Idk if any of this is helpful or made sense but I truly hope things get better for you guys.

Mom brain out

 

[happybirdnerd]

Hi there, I'm really sorry you're both going through this. That must be heartbreaking.

My partner also followed me to a small town where my vet school is, and struggled at first. He didn't, and still doesn't, really like his job - options are very limited in his career path in the area that we're in. Most of his coworkers are very redneck at best and actively racist/homophobic at worst. When work was his only socialization, he was understandably really down. Once I made a good group of vet school friends that was having group dinners on the regular with everyone's signifcant others invited, he quickly made friends with a couple of my friends' partners and now they have biweekly board game nights while us girls study. We also took up bouldering and have made connections through our local gym. And like katiemcat said, we make a huge effort to go on a little date every weekend (picnic, hike, coffee trip, etc.). He still doesn't enjoy work and neither of us wants to stay in this particular town once I finish vet school, but it's gone from being painful to being a completely workable situation.

I really hope that things smooth out for you. I feel your partner's pain, loneliness is just so painful and when the other option is breaking up it's got to feel terrible. Long distance is another option and it isn't for everybody. We did 4 years long distance during undergrad and it can work.

 

[battie]

She feels really lost right now and so do I

Couple things: there's what you can do, and then there's what she can do.

I love the examples given of making friends with other significant others. Cause then they are meeting people who get to deal with the lunacy of being the vet med spouse. Even after graduation, being the vet med spouse is hard.

Moreover, you can't make friends if you don't expose yourself to others. You guys can either together or she herself separately can take the plunge to go do something new. Local book club, running club, club sports team, crochet group, quilting group, painting lessons, volunteering. Etc.

Prioritizing your relationship would be the most important step. Regular date nights, meals/activities together, etc.

Something left field: long distance. Both of my major relationships (5years during undergrad and the year following, and then my only relationship during vet school and my now husband) were long distance (5hr drive for the first, 16hr drive for the second). The first didn't work out, in part due to vet school. He didn't want to wait for me to get in and get through; he also didn't want to live wherever I would go. The second worked great because he understood the long term outlook much better. He stayed in Denver with his support system while I was in school. He came to visit 1-2 times per year. We talked every day. Etc.

Ultimately, relationships are both a team and individual sport. Unfortunately, when a significant other is in a doctorate program, the other spouse gets set on the back burner, whether for the better or worse. She needs to both prioritize what she can do to make the situation better by getting out there and making friends/her own support system, while also realizing this won't last forever. Meanwhile, you have to prioritize your relationship with her over other social stuff, while also making sure you get through the program.

 

[vampyrica]

Currently doing long distance with my partner. We had some really rocky points in our relationship so I'll shed some light on that for perspective:

My partner was supposed to graduate undergrad back in 2023, but life happened and it was pushed back to 2024, then it went to fall 2024, then spring 2025. I found out I got into vet school in January 2025, and he dropped a major bomb that he did not enroll for his classes in time and would not graduate in the spring or be able to move out to Colorado with me. I was furious he kept this information from me especially when we had been planning this move since the *day* I got in. I moved out here without him and see him once every 2-3 months.. Honestly, the space has helped us both focus on our academics and remember why we chose our careers to begin with. He's finally graduating this spring and I'm wrapping up my MPH at the same time. The distance definitely helped solidify our decision to be together and we are excited to move in together this summer.

All this to say, maybe it just wasn't the right time! Maybe she can find a different city within the same state to move, and pursue things that make her happy. Or she can truly move back to WI and you can try long distance. There are lots of ways to stay engaged and keep the "spark alive" if you will. My partner and I watch RuPaul's Drag Race every Saturday night on discord. It's our built-in date night and something we've done since the beginning of our relationship. We play games together, we study together over discord. It can be done! It gets repetitive, and sometimes feels futile when all you want to do is be physically in the same room as them and not have to chat via Facetime/Discord, but time flies. It's already March, right? Then in a few years, you can revist the topic. Moving back and forth isn't ideal, but if it helps the situation and allows you both to be together, then it may be what's needed.

I think this warrants a conversation with your partner. Asking her what she truly wants and if this relationship is one of them. If she says yes, then offer the possible solutions: her moving to a different city of her choice and doing medium-distance with you, her moving back to WI and doing long distance, or her staying where you are and incorporating weekly date nights (even if it is just at home making a fancy dinner or a book reading contest/board games etc), encouraging her to find a new job etc. Best of luck to you <3 I hope it all works out.

 

[_rae_]

I had a big thing typed out and SDN deleted it smh.

I got accepted to school in March of 2024 and decided where I was going. My spouse (fiancé at the time) immediately started applying for jobs. We moved in July of 2024 and my spouse still did not have a job. August came and I ended up applying because we had been without any income for 2 months at that point on top of cross country moving expenses. I started school and was working 12-16 hours a week during first semester. Finally in October, my spouse landed a part time job and cobbled together some side projects. I was miserable first semester, they were burnt out from applying to jobs and working 50-60 hours a week to make ends meet all with a 1 hour one way commute each day. 2025 rolled around and we were both staring down losing our insurance from our parents. Finally, 175 job applications in, they got a full time job with benefits in their field of interest, 12 days before I turned 26. Then we started having issues with our apartment, and six days before our lease was up our neighbors shot at each other in the parking lot and we had to find a new apartment quickly. We are just now starting to feel settled into our apartment, their job, my schedule, etc over halfway through second year.

The first 20 months we've been here have been ROUGH. We did long distance in undergrad, lived together (with a roommate) for multiple years, and we both thought we had an understanding of what we were getting into. That move and first year was so much worse than either of us could have imagined. We were lucky we had a friend and their partner who moved around the same time for a different graduate program, so we haven't been totally alone, but it was still very isolating.

The unfortunate thing that I've learned is you can prepare and talk and explain, and the reality of living in the situation is always so different. It's not wrong for your partner to be burnt out and overwhelmed now that they're in it, and you're not wrong for having that affect you. People are messy and multiple things can be true at once. You can care deeply for one another and not want the same things at this exact moment in life.

If your partner can keep applying to new jobs while managing their current one, getting out of a miserable job could be the game changer. My biggest advice is just continue to communicate with one another, and recognize that being with a partner who is unhappy will ultimately lead you to be unhappy, no matter your feelings for one another.

I'm sorry you're going through this; it's a very tough situation and often doesn't feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I still feel guilty about moving us out here when my spouse is really missing the east coast, but not being miserable every single day because of jobs and money has made that guilt and their homesickness easier for us both to manage. I hope you guys figure out something that works for you.

 

[mw1356]

not to add too much to the long distance propaganda but it’s a feasible option. i started dating my partner shortly before i moved away for vet school (much too short of a timeframe for me to reasonably ask him to come with me) and i often think the distance is helpful. i mostly see him when i don’t have a lot of schoolwork to do so i don’t worry too much about feeling like i’m ignoring him before a big test or smth like that. i also know that he has friends and hobbies at home to keep him occupied, and i imagine your gf would have a similar support system back in WI.

I love the examples given of making friends with other significant others. Cause then they are meeting people who get to deal with the lunacy of being the vet med spouse. Even after graduation, being the vet med spouse is hard.

Moreover, you can't make friends if you don't expose yourself to others. You guys can either together or she herself separately can take the plunge to go do something new. Local book club, running club, club sports team, crochet group, quilting group, painting lessons, volunteering. Etc.

i think these would be good things to try before jumping to a move back though! i know one of my friends introduced her partner to her good friend’s partner and they really hit it off. idk what apartments/neighborhood y’all are in, but my neighborhood does little community gatherings where i’ve been able to make some non-vet school friends and it seems like a lot of apartment complexes in cbus have social events. i’m sure there are also vet students that are open to new friends (i know i’m at least trying to build some friendships outside of school) but i also understand if she wants friendships outside of the vet school (friends that feel like hers instead of yours if that makes sense).

best of luck to you both <3

 

[Kodiak-Bear]

Thank you all so much. We had a serious talk last night and I think she is just in a dark place but we are committed to figuring it out. She is gonna look for a new job and look into some classes to take. I appreciate you all so much!!