Relationships within the department

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jrp2012

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This question does not apply to me since I am in a preexisting committed relationship outside of my new phd program - I am just curious being that it has been a topic of discussion amongst my cohort recently - what is the general consensus re: getting into a relationship with someone else in the psych department (i.e. another student)? It appears that most people at my institution are against it.
 
jrp2012 said:
This question does not apply to me since I am in a preexisting committed relationship outside of my new phd program - I am just curious being that it has been a topic of discussion amongst my cohort recently - what is the general consensus re: getting into a relationship with someone else in the psych department (i.e. another student)? It appears that most people at my institution are against it.
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it happens. be careful 🙂
 
Pragma said:
it happens. be careful 🙂
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That pretty much sums it up. Just be sure that you and the other person are mature enough to handle things if they don't work out, and you should be fine. Problem is, that's not necessarily always something you can be sure about.
 
It happens all the time! I know at least two couples who married a grad school classmate, and several others who are in long term relationships. There are also plenty of people who date a classmate and then break up (I was one of those). Not to mention all the "involvement" that doesn't constitute an official relationship.

Personally I don't see a problem with it provided (as AA said) both people are mature enough to understand that you can't avoid each other when you break up. If staying friends with exs is something you've typically done and you can talk about the consequences of an inter-departmental relationship openly, I don't see an issue.

That is, until it comes time for applying to jobs and you have the dual-career couple thing if both partners are thinking academia.
 
EmotRegulation said:
It happens all the time! I know at least two couples who married a grad school classmate, and several others who are in long term relationships. There are also plenty of people who date a classmate and then break up (I was one of those). Not to mention all the "involvement" that doesn't constitute an official relationship.

Personally I don't see a problem with it provided (as AA said) both people are mature enough to understand that you can't avoid each other when you break up. If staying friends with exs is something you've typically done and you can talk about the consequences of an inter-departmental relationship openly, I don't see an issue.

That is, until it comes time for applying to jobs and you have the dual-career couple thing if both partners are thinking academia.
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This happens a lot more often than you would think. However, someone usually has to play second fiddle. The "stronger" candidate usually can get the best offer, and then you negotiate a job for your spouse. I have heard of departments finding clinical positions for people, adjuncting or non TT positions, and even in some cases, TT jobs. But usually the "weaker" candidate is going to have to adjunct or something first.
 
Pragma said:
This happens a lot more often than you would think. However, someone usually has to play second fiddle. The "stronger" candidate usually can get the best offer, and then you negotiate a job for your spouse. I have heard of departments finding clinical positions for people, adjuncting or non TT positions, and even in some cases, TT jobs. But usually the "weaker" candidate is going to have to adjunct or something first.
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This varies by discipline, but I only know of one couple (non clin psych) who made this work, and they had to leave the country to get the spousal hire. Most of the academic pairings I know of are STEM guy + social science gal. He gets the real gig and she adjuncts or phases out completely. Kinda depressing. 🙁
 
wigflip said:
This varies by discipline, but I only know of one couple (non clin psych) who made this work, and they had to leave the country to get the spousal hire. Most of the academic pairings I know of are STEM guy + social science gal. He gets the real gig and she adjuncts or phases out completely. Kinda depressing. 🙁
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Oh man, that sounds like a big cliche.

I've seen it done through my own department job searches. It worked out for a couple of friends (female was the stronger candidate). As I did my own job search last year, I also heard about it happening indirectly via the psychology job wiki website.

Personally, being married to someone in academia would drive me insane. I appreciate having something that I am interested in to talk about - I find my wife's career to be really cool and she likes hearing about what I do. It's a wonderful balance. If she came home talking about psychology, I think we'd fight a lot! I also find that she gives me much needed perspective. She is able to confirm without a doubt that, most of the folks I hung around in graduate school are total nerds. 😀
 
Pragma said:
Personally, being married to someone in academia would drive me insane. I appreciate having something that I am interested in to talk about - I find my wife's career to be really cool and she likes hearing about what I do. It's a wonderful balance. If she came home talking about psychology, I think we'd fight a lot! I also find that she gives me much needed perspective. She is able to confirm without a doubt that, most of the folks I hung around in graduate school are total nerds. 😀
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Well, it appears that we're back in sync, Pragma, because I agree with all of the above. 😀
 
I can only speak for 2 Psych departments that I've been in as a grad student (masters & phd) but promiscuity- thy name is psychology (more accurately- thy name is academia).

I of course would like to remind everyone that I married outside the field (wife is speech pathologist) and more often than not, it seems like many of her patients are my patients and vice-versa.
 
Relationships within the department work out plenty. I understand the hesitation, but that same hesitation should be in place with any relationship.

I married a member of my cohort and we both took jobs within the same department in a clinical PhD program. We're one of three married couples within the department too.

Several within department couples from my grad program went on to get TT jobs within the same department as well.

I have no doubt this ends up being disastrous for some people and it certainly added a level of difficulty when I was on the market, but fears about this situation seem way overblown to me.
 
Just don't get in a relationship with a prof! My uni just lost both a psych and a bio professor because of this! 😱
 
My mentor and his wife met in grad school (both clinical psych). They managed to get an internship placement at the same site, and both were hired at an R1 university out of internship and then again by another R1 institution a few years later. Having said that, they're both up-and-coming big shots in their respective fields. It's doable but definitely challenging.
 
mewtoo said:
Just don't get in a relationship with a prof! My uni just lost both a psych and a bio professor because of this! 😱
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Funny thing is, unless the professor has you in a class, I don't know that many universities actually have explicit policies against faculty dating graduate students. Not to say it's at all advisable, of course.
 
AcronymAllergy said:
Funny thing is, unless the professor has you in a class, I don't know that many universities actually have explicit policies against faculty dating graduate students. Not to say it's at all advisable, of course.
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Universities no, but the APA ethics code - yes. I believe I had an EPPP question on the topic...
 
AcronymAllergy said:
Funny thing is, unless the professor has you in a class, I don't know that many universities actually have explicit policies against faculty dating graduate students. Not to say it's at all advisable, of course.
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I think it was mostly because neither of them "declared" their relationship to the higher ups and also because the grad students left the programs and cited that it was mostly due to an "uncomfortable" atmosphere since both relationships ended on bad terms. I don't know much about the bio professor's story (he was tenured, though so it must have been bad), but I know that for the (married!) psych professor apparently they had "relations" in his office and was inappropriate with her in front of other students on top of the reason above. I actually know of some grad student/professor couples that married, had kids (which were rumored to be concieved on a professor's office couch :meanie:), etc. from my uni, though.
 
I've seen inter-department and even inter-cohort dating work out (three marriages and a recent engagement), but I'd be wary because break ups or just fights could be *very* awkward for everyone. That said, if someone seemed really promising/like the right guy, I possibly would go ahead with it. I really don't know, tbh, as I've yet to be in that situation.
 
Pragma said:
Oh man, that sounds like a big cliche.

I've seen it done through my own department job searches. It worked out for a couple of friends (female was the stronger candidate). As I did my own job search last year, I also heard about it happening indirectly via the psychology job wiki website.

Personally, being married to someone in academia would drive me insane. I appreciate having something that I am interested in to talk about - I find my wife's career to be really cool and she likes hearing about what I do. It's a wonderful balance. If she came home talking about psychology, I think we'd fight a lot! I also find that she gives me much needed perspective. She is able to confirm without a doubt that, most of the folks I hung around in graduate school are total nerds. 😀
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I think it's actually easier to negotiate a spousal hire (TT, clinical, adjunct, what have you) when people are in the same field than not. My spouse is a humanities PhD, and I think it would be very hard to justify a spousal hire in a department that has NO affiliation with psychology (or vice versa). We managed to find faculty positions at two different institutions, only 30 min apart. But we recognize that we are very lucky.

And no, being married to someone else in academia does not drive me insane! In fact, it's helpful because we both understand the culture of each other's jobs, albeit in very different fields (perhaps that is the balance you were referencing?). Plus, the flexibility of academia is great when you have children (as we do) - given that we are both in academia, there is double the flexibility. The dual academic lifestyle is quite nice, in my opinion.
 
LM02 said:
I think it's actually easier to negotiate a spousal hire (TT, clinical, adjunct, what have you) when people are in the same field than not. My spouse is a humanities PhD, and I think it would be very hard to justify a spousal hire in a department that has NO affiliation with psychology (or vice versa). We managed to find faculty positions at two different institutions, only 30 min apart. But we recognize that we are very lucky.

And no, being married to someone else in academia does not drive me insane! In fact, it's helpful because we both understand the culture of each other's jobs, albeit in very different fields (perhaps that is the balance you were referencing?). Plus, the flexibility of academia is great when you have children (as we do) - given that we are both in academia, there is double the flexibility. The dual academic lifestyle is quite nice, in my opinion.
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Well certainly there are benefits to the academic lifestyle for couples/families. That would be nice to have extended time off at the same time. Being in different subject areas also might help to an extent.

But really, the culture of academia is enough for me that I don't want to deal with it more when I get home. I like that my wife works in an interesting private industry. We just have different stuff to talk about.

A good female psychologist friend of mine (married to a male psychologist) told me that her and her husband love to talk about each other's cases at home late at night and kick ideas around. That would make me want to puke.

It's just my own personal opinion on the topic. I know plenty of academic couples who seem perfectly happy. That just wouldn't be me. At times, I've considered if there were any women I've met in academia over the years that I would have been interested in dating if I were single. The answer is no - I can't think of a single one.

I think it's mostly the personality features that lend themselves to success in graduate school - some hypervigilance/hypomania, disagreeableness/tendency to question everything, high orientation towards task completion/achievement, etc. I am plenty of those things already. I appreciate my laid back, unpretentious wife, who makes fun of me when I get too caught up in conferences/publications or take myself/my work too seriously.

I think that she likes that I make her sandwiches. 😉
 
Pragma said:
I know plenty of academic couples who seem perfectly happy. That just wouldn't be me.
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Me either. I know an academic couple who named their cats after theorists. "Althusser! Stop chewing the curtains!" :barf:
 
Pragma said:
:laugh:

Their poor kids (if they have any)...
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Mercifully, they have and will have none. So you won't have to worry about your kids attending uni day care with little Hegel and Judith Butler II.
 
Our dept had a spousal hire but the spouse isn't T-T like their partner. I'm wondering how that will end up down the line.

I also would hate to date someone in my dept. My friends and I talk a lot about school during our social time as it is. 😉
 
I met my wife in our department and we have a 7-month-old daughter together. She just finished graduate school (non-clinical) and is beginning a postdoc while I finish up my last year and apply for internship. We plan to move where I get an internship. I think it partly helps that we are in different areas within psychology (she studies behavioral medicine, I am in clinical child), so we don't study the EXACT same thing. But, we also do a good job talking about non-psychology topics all the time (our daughter dominates most of our conversations these days!)

So, I have had a very positive experience with this, and know others who have too. I remember being a bit hesitant to date her in the beginning because we were in the same department, but we had a great connection, and hey, you have to take risks in life, right? Otherwise, look at what all we would have missed out on!
 
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