Relocating for a graduate program - those with significant others

[jrp2012]

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To those who have moved/are moving a relatively long distance solely for a graduate program: if you had/have a significant other that you are not yet married to, did they or will they relocate for you? I am moving this weekend from NYC about 23 hours south to a small town for a funded PhD clinical psychology program. My girlfriend, whom I have been with for a few weeks shy of two years, plans to relocate with me to begin her MBA at a nearby university. When I tell people both in and out of my program that she is relocating "for" me, I get a nasty vibe and that people are biased against it - sort of the "you are not even married" tone. Has anyone else gotten this feel? What have your experiences been? For us it seemed the logical and correct thing to do. Sure - she could go anywhere else for her MBA - but so many years of being away from each other was not ideal. Although quite far, relocating was what she wanted and had the opportunity to do. We are both certain we would like to be married closer to the receipt of my degree. Thanks.

J

 

[LETSGONYR]

To those who have moved/are moving a relatively long distance solely for a graduate program: if you had/have a significant other that you are not yet married to, did they or will they relocate for you? I am moving this weekend from NYC about 23 hours south to a small town for a funded PhD clinical psychology program. My girlfriend, whom I have been with for a few weeks shy of two years, plans to relocate with me to begin her MBA at a nearby university. When I tell people both in and out of my program that she is relocating "for" me, I get a nasty vibe and that people are biased against it - sort of the "you are not even married" tone. Has anyone else gotten this feel? What have your experiences been? For us it seemed the logical and correct thing to do. Sure - she could go anywhere else for her MBA - but so many years of being away from each other was not ideal. Although quite far, relocating was what she wanted and had the opportunity to do. We are both certain we would like to be married closer to the receipt of my degree. Thanks.

J

While not exactly the same situation, I have a boyfriend that I have been with for about a year and a half. I am applying for internship this year, and he is planning on joining me where (if) I wind up matching.

I also know a few other people in my graduate program who had boy/girlfriends follow them to a new city for school. I think if the two of you are serious, there's nothing wrong with it. (Sidenote... I also know people that got engaged because, "I won't follow you if we're not even engaged...". They have since broken up.)

 

[psychMOC]

I'm moving from NY for a grad program next week (although to CT, only about 2-2.5 hours away) and my girlfriend is coming with. We have lived together already for two years (been in a relationship for almost 3) but I appreciate her willingness to move andperceive it as a sign of commitment toward our relationship.


I didn't have the best experience moving away from home for undegrad, so I'm very happy to have my girlfriend, my best friend, by my side. So, let the haters hate... I think we are lucky dudes.

 

[InNae]

Some of them might be reacting to hearing you say that your girlfriend is moving "for" you. Perhaps you could try just saying something like "Yes, she's moving down there, too, and she will be starting her MBA at X University. We're both really excited!". Although I realize the reason/catalyst for any couple's move is absolutely none of my business, I often still have a knee-jerk reaction to hearing someone say a female partner is moving "for" a male partner, in much the same way that I react to hearing a male say something like "I'll let her work after the kids are old enough to be in school" or similar. I usually move on from that first reaction pretty quickly, but people vary on these things.

My 2 cents: it's not really anyone else's business, but many people have conditioned insta-responses that could (at least at first) appear to be a "nasty vibe".

All the best with your move and your respective programs!

 

[valentinoRossi]

To those who have moved/are moving a relatively long distance solely for a graduate program: if you had/have a significant other that you are not yet married to, did they or will they relocate for you? I am moving this weekend from NYC about 23 hours south to a small town for a funded PhD clinical psychology program. My girlfriend, whom I have been with for a few weeks shy of two years, plans to relocate with me to begin her MBA at a nearby university. When I tell people both in and out of my program that she is relocating "for" me, I get a nasty vibe and that people are biased against it - sort of the "you are not even married" tone. Has anyone else gotten this feel? What have your experiences been? For us it seemed the logical and correct thing to do. Sure - she could go anywhere else for her MBA - but so many years of being away from each other was not ideal. Although quite far, relocating was what she wanted and had the opportunity to do. We are both certain we would like to be married closer to the receipt of my degree. Thanks.

J

who cares what people think man.
You have a real relationship...and with that in mind, you should try to watch your syntax to avoid confusion. She's not moving "for" you...shes moving "with" you. It's important to recognize that difference. I think that's awesome. People are usually get a bit nasty when they hear about the relationships of others, usually (in my experience) because they are longing for what you have. That being said, iffff for some reason your relationship doesn't work out, your girlfriend will end up resenting you. Or even if that doesn't happen, there is a chance that she will feel like you "owe" her. When people are truly in love they do things for their spouses and don't expect anything in return. Not everyone understands that..but that is their loss.

 

[Psychadelic2012]

Some of them might be reacting to hearing you say that your girlfriend is moving "for" you. Perhaps you could try just saying something like "Yes, she's moving down there, too, and she will be starting her MBA at X University. We're both really excited!". Although I realize the reason/catalyst for any couple's move is absolutely none of my business, I often still have a knee-jerk reaction to hearing someone say a female partner is moving "for" a male partner, in much the same way that I react to hearing a male say something like "I'll let her work after the kids are old enough to be in school" or similar. I usually move on from that first reaction pretty quickly, but people vary on these things.

+1 👍

FWIW, my long-term partner (of more than 5 years) did not move with me. We've lived in multiple homes together. We chose not to get married a long time ago, but there isn't much difference otherwise, and we've been together longer than many married couples we know. I get a LOT of comments and questions such as, "What does this mean for your relationship?" So, bottom line is that people are nosey and judgmental regardless of the situation.

 

[jrp2012]

Some of them might be reacting to hearing you say that your girlfriend is moving "for" you. Perhaps you could try just saying something like "Yes, she's moving down there, too, and she will be starting her MBA at X University. We're both really excited!". Although I realize the reason/catalyst for any couple's move is absolutely none of my business, I often still have a knee-jerk reaction to hearing someone say a female partner is moving "for" a male partner, in much the same way that I react to hearing a male say something like "I'll let her work after the kids are old enough to be in school" or similar. I usually move on from that first reaction pretty quickly, but people vary on these things.

My 2 cents: it's not really anyone else's business, but many people have conditioned insta-responses that could (at least at first) appear to be a "nasty vibe".

All the best with your move and your respective programs!

Right, I put the word "for" in quotations because this is not how I say it but rather how I feel it is interpreted by the people I tell it to. I simply say she is moving WITH me, but being that she would clearly not be moving were it not for the fact that I am moving, people see it as she is moving FOR me - does that make sense?

 

[Pragma]

My girlfriend, whom I have been with for a few weeks shy of two years, plans to relocate with me to begin her MBA at a nearby university. When I tell people both in and out of my program that she is relocating "for" me, I get a nasty vibe and that people are biased against it - sort of the "you are not even married" tone.

Himm...that reaction perhaps sounds like it has more to do with semantics than anything. Since she is moving and has her own academic program, perhaps saying that she is moving "for" you comes off as a bit sexist. Some people are sticklers for that kind of thing.

I know tons of people married/not married who's significant others moved when they had to move for their program. It's pretty common. But there are also a lot of people that choose to live apart if necessary...happens more often than I would have thought. I wouldn't get too hung up on other peoples' opinions about you and your girlfriend - ultimately it's a personal decision.

In my own case, I was not about to ask my wife to move multiple times. She was willing to move to the city where I began my program and then found a great job. Living apart was not something we were comfortable with, so I chose to limit myself to only internship and postdoc opportunities in that city. It worked out for me, but it was stressful and there was uncertainty.

You may want to give this some thought, because it is much more common for people to move later in the t raining program than not to move. You and your girflfriend may have some things to consider at that point.

 

[InNae]

Right, I put the word "for" in quotations because this is not how I say it but rather how I feel it is interpreted by the people I tell it to. I simply say she is moving WITH me, but being that she would clearly not be moving were it not for the fact that I am moving, people see it as she is moving FOR me - does that make sense?

Got it. I'd hazard that people who are sensitive to such things won't (can't?) differentiate between "for" and "with". Unfortunately even the "with" can connote the partner coming along as an accessory, you know? I agree with the other posters that you will never be able to win them all, so you might figure out what you think is the most neutral way to phrase the move, and then let the other folks worry about what goes on in their heads!

Again, good luck with everything - it really IS an exciting time for you both!

 

[dumbledoresgirl]

I'm just starting a PhD program, and my boyfriend (of 3 years) is not moving with me. He will be 3 hours away, working the job he had prior to my getting accepted. We initially thought he would be able to move with me, but finding a job in my area was not as easy as we thought it would be. So, we're doing long distance. But I think it's absolutely amazing that you guys were able to coordinate moving together, and I am insanely envious of you for that! I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of, and you definitely shouldn't put up with people's negative reactions. I say, more power to you! And honestly, even if she had moved "for" you, I don't think it's anyone's business to say that it's "good" or "bad."

 

[heshmonster]

Moved to the other end of the country (4000km) away, and my girlfriend of three years didn't move out immediately. She was finishing some stuff up, and the plan is to move out later. Hasn't been much of a problem yet... though, the distance can be tough to navigate. But, it does give me more time to play music ... 🙂 She will move here this winter, which will be great.

 

[wigflip]

To those who have moved/are moving a relatively long distance solely for a graduate program: if you had/have a significant other that you are not yet married to, did they or will they relocate for you? I am moving this weekend from NYC about 23 hours south to a small town for a funded PhD clinical psychology program. My girlfriend, whom I have been with for a few weeks shy of two years, plans to relocate with me to begin her MBA at a nearby university. When I tell people both in and out of my program that she is relocating "for" me, I get a nasty vibe and that people are biased against it - sort of the "you are not even married" tone. Has anyone else gotten this feel? What have your experiences been? For us it seemed the logical and correct thing to do. Sure - she could go anywhere else for her MBA - but so many years of being away from each other was not ideal. Although quite far, relocating was what she wanted and had the opportunity to do. We are both certain we would like to be married closer to the receipt of my degree. Thanks.

J

Best of luck on your move, J. I find that too many academics devalue family and relationships.Congrats on finding a way to keep your relationship together in the process.

Several thoughts:

You mention that you're receiving negative reactions from folks both inside and outside of your program. Do some of the "outside" folks know your girlfriend and have concerns that she may be moving for you rather than with you? Or are you talking about other people in your new location who aren't in your department? It may be that some of her friends/family are concerned that she's settling for a less-than ideal MBA program and compromising her future. Last time I checked (ahem! not too recently), the social psych literature indicated that in heterosexual contexts, young women engage in much more "contingency planning" than do young men. So, broadly speaking and in the aggregate, straight young men leave college and do what they're gonna do regardless of female partners' plans. Straight young women take their male partners' plans into account and adjust their own plans accordingly. I think some laypeople have a sense of this phenomenon, and it rubs them the wrong way to see people make choices that appear to be consistent with that pattern.

Additionally:
Of course I don't know how you've actually presented the news to people in person (using "with" vs. "for" etc.), but some people's reactions may in fact relate to the term "girlfriend," which to some people has a more temporary ring than "partner."

On the other hand, a lot of academics are just jackasses. As an older, married grad student, I got both types of negative reactions. Some folks thought it was preposterous that I wasn't willing to go across the country for grad school, saying things like "it's only two years of coursework! It'll fly by!" (I'm in a research-only program, and it's not actually only two years of coursework). As if my marriage was totally inconsequential and I could put my relationship on hold. Then, when I got to grad school, people acted shocked that Hubby didn't move with me (I commuted on weekends), as if he was going to give up his career in order to move to CampusTown and take a part time shift at SlackerDude Headshop. 😕