Relocating to med school

[flyingjbird]

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Hi all,

I've never posted here before, so here's a little bit about me...

I am a career changer. I worked for several (very very long) years as an engineer. Then, I went back to school with the idea that I wanted to go to medical school. I took the MCAT, applied, and have been accepted to the class of 2010.

You might wonder.. so, what's the problem. The problem is that my husband will not even talk about moving our family to where I got in. When I started applying, we talked about it, and he said they'd follow me to where ever I wanted to go to school. Now, however, the whole subject seems to be taboo.

Any ideas on how to approach him??

 

[blee]

🙁 Sorry to hear of your situation.

Have you applied to any more schools, perhaps one or more in cities more to your husband's liking? More to the point, why is he now reluctant to discuss relocation?

 

[Beau Geste]

If you guys are married, no subject should be taboo to discuss. This is your life together. Would he expect you to move if he were relocated? Remind him that this is an investment for him as well. When you are done, maybe he won't have to work as hard! Also, if he was supportive before and is withdrawing that now, don't delay bringing it up.

Start with how happy you felt when you were applying that he was so supportive and tell him that you feel that he has changed his mind. I you are going for it (med school), tell him! Remind him how difficult it will be to raise children shuttled between the two of you (I was in that spot as a child - my mom in med school and my dad 250 miles away and still married today).

Unfortunately there are times when your family comes first, but if this is something the two of you have been discussing for a long time, then you have done what you can. You won't do your family much good to be unhappy either.

Be sure to talk about it - see your pastor or someone of similar status if you need an objective intermediary.

 

[ShyRem]

flyingbird, I'm so sorry! I understand the family thing - my husband and I sat down before I applied and crossed off all the states he didn't want to live, then we whittled my application list down from there. So now I'm accepted to a DO school in a location he would LOVE (love love love) to go live, and I'm on a 'hold for later action' list at a school I'd rather go to but he'd rather not live there. However, he reiterates every day that since I moved 250 miles to marry him, he'll move anywhere in the entire world to be with me at whatever med school I choose. (damn, I'm lucky to have him!) We laugh about the fact he'll have worked 20 years at his career and he'll be able to retire at 42 when I start my 20 year career. He is seriously looking forward to retiring early... his job is sucking the life out of him.

I agree, you MUST approach this topic ASAP. With a counselor if necessary. What exactly are his problems with moving? Is he willing to do a long-distance marriage for a while? What about residency? (you may not get your first choice of location, so this problem may come up again.) This really seems like a fundamental problem in the relationship if he's been supportive until now... is he getting cold feet? Scared (hell, I sure am, and I'm the one going!)?

This is a big decision for both of you - and it may be an even bigger decision for you ultimately. We're here to listen and cry with you if needed... :hugs:

 

[justin984]

[Removed]

 

[flyingjbird]

Maybe this is the problem.

It could very well be. I have a feeling he derives a lot of his self worth through working. I think he is afraid of change... aren't we all??

He would be much more comfortable had I gotten into our state school. I applied and was turned down post interview.

Thanks everyone for the support! I think I am going to try to force the topic in the next day or two. If we are relocating, I want to start looking for a place to live and get our house ready to sell...

 

[MJB]

Wonder why the sudden change of heart...

I know I would NOT be happy at all if my wife pulled the same thing...but I don't think she would ever do that.

 

[FrkyBgStok]

i am very sorry to hear about your situation but i understand. when i apply and start to get acceptances it is going to be the hardest decision ever when it comes to moving the family.

 

[MsEvolution]

Hmmm... JBird, I am crossing my fingers for you!

I had something similar happen to me. My husband was VERY supportive of me leaving work and returning to college to get a degree and pursue the medical path. Once I was a junior, and everything was going very well--he pulled back. He told me that he didn't feel he could follow me into the world I was going to enter. He felt that my ambition superceded my devotion to our family and he felt threatened by my dedication. He gave me an ultimatum -- school or the marriage. Let me tell ya, I *loved* him and it was the hardest decision of my life. I ended up opting for school because as I told him -- I knew if I gave school 100%, it would give me a return. Up to then, I had given the marriage 100%, and I couldn't believe the choice he was forcing me to make... so, I didn't feel the marriage was giving me the same return that the career would.

Divorcing was the most difficult thing I had to do... in every sense of the word. It set me back emotionally, financially, even academically. It delayed my start in medical school by 8 years. But I'm here now. He and I have preserved our friendship and his relationship with the kids is still very strong. The decision was right for me. Now, ask me in 20 years and I might tell you that (as the song says) "The work I put between us doesn't keep me warm." We'll see, but for now I think this is the best place for all of us.

But I seriously hope it doesn't come to that for you!

Again, crossing my fingers for you--I hope you post good news here soon!

 

[blee]

Same here, I'm pulling for ya. 🙂

I know how difficult this can be. Of all career switches -- really, of all the things one can do to change his/her life -- going to medical school has to be one of the most jarring. In my case, I think it's actually strengthened my relationship with my wife. This is mostly because our relationship had gotten somewhat rocky in the months before I switched; when I finally made up my mind to pursue medicine, there was another rough patch of several months, but we've emerged in much better shape. In fact, we're probably a stronger couple now than we were when we got married. Now that I know what I want to do, and now that I'm *doing* it, I'm so much happier with myself, and my attitude radiates on to my wife. It's become a win-win in just about every aspect except the money.

jbird, I'm sorry you've hit a rough patch. This is not to be unexpected, though, when you think about it. I'm living proof that it can work, but there are other examples where it didn't. PM me if you need more support. 🙂

 

[primadonna22274]

Difficult place to be. I'm sorry for your dilemma.
My ex-husband was absolutely opposed to the idea of me being a physician (or rather, not the being, but the process of becoming), although we'd been together since our teens and he knew I wanted to be a doctor since I was a kid. He wore me down and eventually I compromised and became a PA. I've enjoyed being a PA, but I'm unfulfilled and frustrated. And you know what? He couldn't handle me being a PA either. His lack of support eventually contributed to the demise of our marriage. Since then, he's remarried an anesthesiologist's daughter who never finished her master's degree and has never had to work and stays at home with their baby. I guess he needed someone who could devote all her attention to him, and she does.
I truly hope you and your husband can work this out. Divorce was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Yes, it definitely is a financial setback (huge!). My ex and I didn't have kids, and I can't imagine divorcing with kids, although I know people manage.
But think of this: how will you deal with the resentment if he holds you back from your opportunity to be a physician? I'm now working two jobs to pay off debt to get myself in a financial position so that I can afford to go to med school. Yeah, I wish I had known what would happen so I could have chosen to just go to med school in the first place and save myself a few years and $80k in student loan debt for my PA degree. But what are you gonna do???
Best,
Lisa

 

[flyingjbird]

So we had "The relocation talk" last night. I can't believe it, he agreed (again) to move!! I feel slightly guilty about asking him to change jobs and mess with his own career so that I can go to med school... BUT, I know I would resent him if I didn't at least give it a shot. We are starting to look for something new for him. Things can still go sour for me if we can't find him a job, but my situation is definitly looking up.

 

[MJB]

Great news....

The good news is this...if he has to go into something he doesn't like...he can quit after you start working and do something he likes...That's what I'm doing for my wife..

But now she's decided (now that she's about done) that nursing school probably wasn't what she should have done.

 

[chirodoc]

This seems to be a ladies forum but here's my .01 worth...appeal to his senses. With most men (like me) things are black and white. Men tend to make decisions easy but conversation lousy. Pull out the pencil and paper and put it to him, what you will make as a physician (financially), where you guys will be at retirement vs. with what you do now, how it will help the family if you sacrifice a little. In a nutshell, help "him" find what's in it for him. Hey, we are all a little selfish so point his nose to his dogfood bowl.

I got my undergrad and D.C. degree with my wifes support (and will need it again..hence why I scour these forums for all the info I can get) and she got her undergrad and double masters with mine. It can be done, together, with minimal physical and psychological damage (believe me there are wounds either way). If you can, I'd get that damn "D" word OFF the table. I'm sorry but no career is worth losing a family over. Hey in the end we all die anyway, what good is it to save the ones you barely know and hurt the ones you know best. It usually isn't this bad if/when you guys can break down some barriers in communication. For me, it always helped when my wife understood I didn't speak her language so we needed to become psychologically bilingual (I hope you know what I mean...I don't know if I'm speaking your language). Communicate in a way the other party understands and not expect them to understand you and your motivations. It's not fair to them to give them an ultimatum either when they really don't know whats going on in your noggin.

Unless, you guys are WAY far apart can you do this long distance. Many military families stay together with same dilemma. Also, if you got into one program what's the odd's of getting into another local if you wait a year? I'd rather wait a year and keep my family then go now and get divorced. Is this really a choice?

If nothing else butter him up, wine and dine him...make a big evening of it and then tell him what's going on in your life. He may not understand everything but at least he'll know how important that conversation is to you since you made a big deal of the evening leading up to it.

Well, that's an opinion from someone with too many opinions...hope it helps.

 

[Beau Geste]

Way to go! Sometimes when we make plans I am very agreeable, but when things become more of a reality and times get tougher I have some second thoughts. Maybe that's how your husband felt, too, especially if it meant having you gone. However, many folks are able to have a semi-long distance marriage. My mom and dad were 3 hours apart for 3 years while she was in med school. They made it.