Residency vs. Relationship

[DocBrown]

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Brings me to another question, do guys ever regret breaking up with a girl? Do people who broke up once have chance to get back together?

So, using medicine as a reason for inability to be in a relationship is a big no no, stupid reason? ....

As far as I'm concerned, once you're broken up, that's the end, permanently.

I was in love once with this girl, the relationship ended, and I haven't spoken to her since. Been 3 years now.

But to the original poster, the moral of the story is **** happens. Such is life; it cannot be avoided. But you pick yourself up again, try to be a good person, try to live a good life, and you hope that you'll find what you're looking for. That mantra has gotten me through every major obstacle in my life--and I've had my share of obstacles.

 

[dwil75]

Yes, he already got his match results. He got them about a week ago. I have no idea if he signed a contract or not. I don't think he has yet.

Hi Ketmi,

I'm an easy-going med student who dated a very intense med student throughout school (I'm fourth year now)... he had trouble with school and had a very difficult time having a relationship and openly worried he wasn't going to be able to have one and be a good doc. I think people like that often are the ones who most need the patient support of their sig. others. Most all med students have to work very hard and this takes a toll on their social life, but in my experience there are just some people in this field who struggle a lot more than usual with the material or worry a lot more than others do about their studies, and your boyfriend could be one of these.

It may be true what people are saying: that your boyfriend just wants an excuse to break up, but I'd suggest you ask him what he has to lose by trying with you a few months to see how it goes. If he doesn't want it, he'll refuse, and if he does but is scared... the fact that you care enough to seek advice on this suggests to me that you may surprise him with how understanding you can be for him. He's lucky to have you... I admire you for trying... good luck! 😳

 

[ihsak4health]

Was the breakup initiated by you? I believe ex-lovers can be friends again if both parties accept and feel the same positive way about the break up.

Seeing this thread brings me back to few months ago when I had a similar situation. Long distance relationship (LDR) for several months at the start of this intern year. We broke up in a fuzzy way but we still contact each other. I'm confused because I still find myself waiting for him. I think I do not feel closure and have thought about writing him an email to express my state of mind. We have not talked on the phone since end of Nov but I know this is the busiest time for him.

He had a failed LDR before so I know he came into this w/ some sort of bias and fear about it. Anyways, would it be too selfish/weird of me to write to him about how I feel now?

K, I wish u the best ...

As far as I'm concerned, once you're broken up, that's the end, permanently.

I was in love once with this girl, the relationship ended, and I haven't spoken to her since. Been 3 years now.

But to the original poster, the moral of the story is **** happens. Such is life; it cannot be avoided. But you pick yourself up again, try to be a good person, try to live a good life, and you hope that you'll find what you're looking for. That mantra has gotten me through every major obstacle in my life--and I've had my share of obstacles.

 

[ketmi5]

Him and I talked in person Friday night. I tried to explain to him how I feel and what I want. At first he acted very impatient with me and almost didn't want to hear what I had to say. He finally quit acting like that and let me say my peace. I suggested to him that him and I simply take our relationship down a notch and not spend so much time together. (One of his main complaints was that he didn't have enough free time to himself). He said he doesn't want to do this, he still feels this need to date around for a while. He doesn't want a relationship at all, not with anyone. However duing this dating around phase, he wants to continue dating me. And obviously I would be able to date other people as well. He said that we could probably get back together again in the future, but that until he gets this "dating urge" out of his system he's not going to feel secure in a relationship.

We hung out after we talked and we had a good time together. However we didn't exactly hang out as just friends, it was more like we were dating.

So now I'm even more confused. A part of me wants to try just dating him for a while, knowing that he's dating other girls and that I'm able to date other guys. Another part of me wants to suggest having an "open relationship" with him. Then there's this other part that wants to walk away for a while and be his friend later on for fear of getting hurt.

I have no idea what I'm going to do. 😕

 

[tr]

He doesn't want a relationship at all, not with anyone. However duing this dating around phase, he wants to continue dating me. And obviously I would be able to date other people as well. He said that we could probably get back together again in the future, but that until he gets this "dating urge" out of his system he's not going to feel secure in a relationship...
So now I'm even more confused. A part of me wants to try just dating him for a while, knowing that he's dating other girls and that I'm able to date other guys. Another part of me wants to suggest having an "open relationship" with him. Then there's this other part that wants to walk away for a while and be his friend later on for fear of getting hurt.

I have no idea what I'm going to do. 😕

You are totally devaluing yourself by acceding to this proposal.

This guy is saying: "I like you okay but I think I can do better. I want to date other women to try and find somebody better, but I want to keep you as a backup, in case it turns out that Gisele Bundchen is never going to walk up and hurl herself at my feet."

By accepting this state of affairs, you are letting him know that it is okay for him to treat you like this. You are putting a lower value on yourself, and he will therefore also put a lower value on you. This makes it less likely, not more, that he will ever come back for good.

Your acceptance is telling him, "That's okay, I am willing to accept your outrageous demands, because I don't think I will ever do better than you, and therefore I will just have to hang out and hope that you decide you love me one day."

Your sending this message will decrease your value in his eyes, not increase it. He will think, "Well, if ketmi5 is willing to take this from me, that must mean she is really far below my level and I should definitely not settle for her."

I think you should dump this guy and not look back, because you deserve someone who is 100% into you.

But even if you are so into him (for whatever reason) that you still want to give it a shot, your best bet is still to dump him. Cut off all contact. That sends the message, "I am far too valuable to waste my time with someone who won't commit." He may internalize that, realize he is not likely to do better than you, and figure out he has to pony up if he wants to keep what he's got. If he doesn't, you've learned something and you are definitely better off.

Don't accept this. Don't call him, don't talk to him, don't email him, don't text him. Go for a run and call your best girlfriend instead.

 

[freshity]

you still love/like him, so you don't want to let go. if you are willing to accept that his feelings are not as strong as yours, then go forward "dating" him. what you say doesn't talk much about how you feel about the fact that he does not feel as strongly about you as you do for him, so it's hard to encourage you to date him more casually. the concern is you may be setting yourself for a hard, but more definitive, fall later, as you may just be trying to deny something that is painful but obvious right now. don't hold onto future possibilities as a reason to deny yourself what you really want and need now. we live in the moment, not the future.

it doen't make much difference if you both date others or you call it an "open" relationship, the end result is the same: nonexclusivity. ask yourself if that is what you want and need.

he gets something out of his relationship with you that continues if you are just dating casually rather than committedly. once you identify for yourself what that is (as others have suggested, at least part of it may be intimacy without commitment), ask yourself if you are ok with that. compare that to what you think a man would get from you if he wanted to be with you exclusively--and what you would get from him in both circumstances.

finally, focus for a long time...nay, exclusively....focus exclusively on what you want and need in a relationship. do this honestly and without fear about how, when, or where you could possibly find it. just focus on yourself. so far you have a whole lot of understanding about what he needs/wants. you've proven to us that you are mighty capable of that. and that's great, because your next boyfriend will get that from you too--that's who you are. but it's time to turn the camera back on yourself, girl. he's gotten enough of your time and analytical skills. spend some time with and on your needs and you'll find the answers. good luck!

 

[jerseygirl22]

Ketmi--damn girl, this guy SUCKS. He is selfish (ie he is only interested in making himself happy). Why would you even want to be friends with someone who has such character flaws? Take a lesson from his actions and put yourself first. This guy is taking you for a ride and if you allow him to date/hook up with you while he gets his "dating around" bug taken care of, you do realize he will be walking ALL over you and that is NO good.

Take heed...be careful and get out of this relationship and don't even think about being friends with him--He is not going to be a good friend. Maybe a brutally honest fair weather hook-up friend...but not a friend.

I know it hurts, but this guy is not LONG TERM BOYFRIEND SPOUSE MATERIAL. Make a run for it before he causes you any more additional pain. 😉

Good luck and keep us posted

 

[tr]

Btw, what he's saying isn't even minimally logical.

He wants to break up with you because he 'won't have time for a real relationship,' but meanwhile he wants to date other people?

How is he going to have time to date you and a bunch of other women too if he doesn't have enough time to be your boyfriend? It takes more time, not less, to date around than to be in a relationship with someone supportive, because people won't go out of their way to accommodate your schedule if they aren't already committed to you.

I can't believe you're letting him walk all over you like this. Tell him not to let the door hit him in the @ss on his way out.

 

[MD2b06]

You are totally devaluing yourself by acceding to this proposal.

This guy is saying: "I like you okay but I think I can do better. I want to date other women to try and find somebody better, but I want to keep you as a backup, in case it turns out that Gisele Bundchen is never going to walk up and hurl herself at my feet."

By accepting this state of affairs, you are letting him know that it is okay for him to treat you like this. You are putting a lower value on yourself, and he will therefore also put a lower value on you. This makes it less likely, not more, that he will ever come back for good.

Your acceptance is telling him, "That's okay, I am willing to accept your outrageous demands, because I don't think I will ever do better than you, and therefore I will just have to hang out and hope that you decide you love me one day."

Your sending this message will decrease your value in his eyes, not increase it. He will think, "Well, if ketmi5 is willing to take this from me, that must mean she is really far below my level and I should definitely not settle for her."

I think you should dump this guy and not look back, because you deserve someone who is 100% into you.

But even if you are so into him (for whatever reason) that you still want to give it a shot, your best bet is still to dump him. Cut off all contact. That sends the message, "I am far too valuable to waste my time with someone who won't commit." He may internalize that, realize he is not likely to do better than you, and figure out he has to pony up if he wants to keep what he's got. If he doesn't, you've learned something and you are definitely better off.

Don't accept this. Don't call him, don't talk to him, don't email him, don't text him. Go for a run and call your best girlfriend instead.

👍 Best post on this thread. If you were truly "the one," he'd never make you feel as though he's settling for you.

 

[tega]

Hey ketmi chic…this is what your man wants….He wants to bone you and any other chic he wants. Take it or leave it.

God all this talk..feels like a freaking medicine round.

 

[f_w]

What a dog.

 

[DocBrown]

God all this talk..feels like a freaking medicine round.

Indeed.

I'm going into EM, and hell with all this rounding.

Ketmi (sp?), I suggest you heed the line Biff Tannen said to George McFly:

"Just turn around, and walk away."

Seriously, the problem is that you want something serious and you're in love with him. He's not in love with you, and he never will be. Sorry.

 

[NRAI2001]

You are totally devaluing yourself by acceding to this proposal.

This guy is saying: "I like you okay but I think I can do better. I want to date other women to try and find somebody better, but I want to keep you as a backup, in case it turns out that Gisele Bundchen is never going to walk up and hurl herself at my feet."

By accepting this state of affairs, you are letting him know that it is okay for him to treat you like this. You are putting a lower value on yourself, and he will therefore also put a lower value on you. This makes it less likely, not more, that he will ever come back for good.

Your acceptance is telling him, "That's okay, I am willing to accept your outrageous demands, because I don't think I will ever do better than you, and therefore I will just have to hang out and hope that you decide you love me one day."

Your sending this message will decrease your value in his eyes, not increase it. He will think, "Well, if ketmi5 is willing to take this from me, that must mean she is really far below my level and I should definitely not settle for her."

I think you should dump this guy and not look back, because you deserve someone who is 100% into you.

But even if you are so into him (for whatever reason) that you still want to give it a shot, your best bet is still to dump him. Cut off all contact. That sends the message, "I am far too valuable to waste my time with someone who won't commit." He may internalize that, realize he is not likely to do better than you, and figure out he has to pony up if he wants to keep what he's got. If he doesn't, you've learned something and you are definitely better off.

Don't accept this. Don't call him, don't talk to him, don't email him, don't text him. Go for a run and call your best girlfriend instead.

So true, a clingy girl is a very big turn off. Have some more self respect.

My advice would be not to totally cut off ties with him, but to date other people and mention that your dating other people. He ll be so busy as an intern he totally regret dumping you, then you can play with his tired, over worked little intern brain.

PS i am a guy, and i know how guys think.

 

[Blade28]

tr - outstanding response. I believe you've said all that needs to be said.

 

[lovemydrhubby]

Glad you posted an update.


I was totally backing you before... I thought he was just confused and having a huge internal conflict thinking maybe he couldn't live up to what he wanted (you and medicine).

After reading your update though, I'm completely changing my advice. Dump him. TR really said it ALL. (awesome advice). This is unacceptable... you try to have a serious talk with him, where you tell him how strongly you feel for him...how you want MORE. And he turns around and basically tells you "no"- so leave him. I am SURE it will just make more pain in the long run for you...these open relationships or taking a break to date other people etc... don't work. If he was into you, he'd be with you- not have a "dating urge"- even if he was into you and had a "dating urge"-- he would be able to control himself and deal with that internally to make it work with you.

Sorry... I can't see any reason to keep him around to date casually- he doesn't seem to have respect for you even as a friend.

 

[firetown]

ketemi5, I don't there is anybody who would advice you to hang on to him. After being with somebody for such a long time, breakups are hard and not easy to get over. The sooner you can get over it the better. The more you hang in there with him the more hurt you will be especially when you see him going out with others. You might also even be tempted to go out with just anybody to get back at him. Best thing, break and break clean.

 

[gwen]

i'm sorry to say this, hun, but he really is using excuses.

first of all, being in a relationship for 5 months is way too short to make long-term plans. that being said, there are obviously couples who just know right away. i don't think you're in the latter category...at least your BF isn't.

if your BF was really into you and committed to your relationship, the thought of things not working out wouldn't exist. people go to the middle east for a freaking war...i don't see them saying to their wife "well, let's get a divorce now, i might not be alive in 3 months, plus, i'm gonna be REAL busy".

your BF should be thanking his lucky stars he's not going into OB or surgery or something...otherwise, he may not have time to go to the bathroom. its a piss poor excuse to say that he won't have time for you. its his sorry way of saying that he's not sure and would rather a) take time off or b) break up.

i don't know why you're trying to find ways to keep him. there isn't anything extra or special you need to say to him to keep him with you. you should be just yourself. if he can't handle a relationship during residency, then he's weak. sorry, but its true.

the busiest residents have wives, husbands, children, girlfriends, and they learn to balance life. fine, they may not score the highest on their intraining exam, but i bet they make damn good doctors with great clinical and communication skills. doctors with their heads in the books and "work" don't know how to deal with people. they could tell you the chemotherapy regimen for AML, but wouldn't know what to look for in diagnosing a pt when they saw them face to face.

i am 9 hours away from my fiance (who was just a BF when we started residency). so there, it can be done - even with two doctors in a relationship.

anyway, sorry to ramble...hope you can figure things out with your guy.

 

[sophee]

I'm not a medical student, however my boyfriend is and he's starting his residency this summer.

I knew going into this relationship that his schedule would be a lot different from what I'm used to and I accepted that. I really thought everything would be ok between us once he started his residency, but now he's having doubts.

He told me he doesn't think he's going to have time for a relationship because being a resident is so demanding. He even said that when someone starts their residency they pretty much have to choose between being a resident and being in a relationship because one will take a toll on the other. He even went as far as to say that residents who are married or in a relationship often make bad doctors because they don't study as much.

He's not sure yet if he wants to break up; but he's thinking about it.

My question is, how many of you have a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife and how do you make it work? Also, how can I show him I'll be supportive and understanding of his schedule? Is there something I should or shouldn't do/say in this situation?

I've already told him that I know I won't see him a lot and that when I do visit on the weekends (he'll be about 90 minutes away) I know I might only see him a few hours each day. Yet he still thinks it's impossible.

Any advice or insight?

As I said, I'm not a medical student or resident so I have no idea what it's like. I need advice from someone who's been there or is going through it. I should add that I really love him and I could see myself marrying him in the future. So I really want to try to understand where he's coming from.

Thank you!

Hi,
I hate to say this, but he is trying to get out of this relationship. this is the perfect time and the perfect exuse. If he wants this relationship bad enough trust me he would do whatever takes regardless of what he will do. Most residents perfer being in a relationship during residency. So you need to consider other factors as well.

 

[scalpel007]

There have been many post on this thread, so I will try to be brief and to the point. Before I started my ortho residency I had been dating the most unbelievable woman I have ever met. We had only been dating six months when I matched in Ohio while she was still a 2nd year medical student in Arizona. We have had a long distance relationship while I have been working 80-100 hours a week (yeah, 80 hrs/wk my a_s) and she is busy in medical school. I can assure you, as can many others here, that it sucked monkey testicles. However, when both people are completely dedicated to one and another, it can work. We are getting married in August of this year.

My point? This guy you are dating is spineless piece of sh_t. I know this because before I found the woman of my dreams I used to date a lot when I was younger and stupid and tried pulling some of the same crap he is pulling. He is too much of a coward to tell you that you, as someone else put it, that he wants to bang as many chicks as possible with his new found power as a doctor and resident. He knows how much certain nurses/radiology techs/lab techs/etc throw themselves at young single physicians, and he would like to experience this new found carnal power firsthand. He wants to keep you on the back burner just in case this blows up in his face, which is actually a credit to you. He knows that he has something good with you . . . but it isnt enough for him to not want to bang other chicks. That is the bitter, honest truth.

You should honestly end all contact with this person. Trust me, he will milk and drag this as long as he can, because this is any insecure guys dream: a woman who will put up with his ridiculous, BS excuses to not commit to her but still want to "hang out" once in a while. All this while he scopes the hospital out to see who he could sleep with next. What a di_k.

Drop this POS soon before you hurt yourself even more. A selfish guy like this is not worth the nights you probably are not sleeping. Just my opinion.

 

[phllystyl]

Not to continue the thread at all but to just give my post-call blathering perspective on the issue:

I agree with the 3rd or 4th poster who basically said "You can either be the nobel prize winner and sacrifice your family life or you can be really great and balance your life" etc.

I came into medical school, with a very strong core of social support outside of the medical field, including a girlfriend, a hobby that I both loved and was very successful at in music, and a great group of friendships that were cultivated over many years. I always envisioned myself as being one who could balance both of these things, taking care to never lose my "core identity" in the struggle that is medical school. I was successful for the first 1.5 years.

By the time I reached fourth yr though, I had lost my musical career, had lost touch with several friends, and by November, the love of my life called it quits. And in exchange for all of this, I have a nice little certificate on my wall and a matching gold key, and a few high board scores.

My point is that it is so easy in all of this to lose your way. To get sucked into prestige and power factors. To let the anxiety of rotations and exams trump what you should be feeling and working on at home. And I paid an extreme price for it. An attempt to regain that balance played a pretty significant role in some decisions I made about residency, and I hope it works. The anxiety driven Type A that I am now is not who I was coming into this process. I could have kept going, but I, as described above, have made the conscious decision to take a step back, devote time to the relationships i have outside of Medicine, and be not only a great doctor but a great person outside of medicine. I applaud those who can go the distance and be both. But we are all rare to make it this far, to go that extra mile is the rarest indeed.

 

[Samoa]

I feel for your situation...I have a friend or two who's on the same path, and it's a sad thing to watch. Unfortunately it seems to be a lesson everyone has to learn on their own. And some never do. What happens instead is they learn to talk a good game, but when the chips are down, they keep making the same mistakes. So I hope you end up being one of the ones who really does figure out how to change.

 

[NRAI2001]

Not to continue the thread at all but to just give my post-call blathering perspective on the issue:

I agree with the 3rd or 4th poster who basically said "You can either be the nobel prize winner and sacrifice your family life or you can be really great and balance your life" etc.

I came into medical school, with a very strong core of social support outside of the medical field, including a girlfriend, a hobby that I both loved and was very successful at in music, and a great group of friendships that were cultivated over many years. I always envisioned myself as being one who could balance both of these things, taking care to never lose my "core identity" in the struggle that is medical school. I was successful for the first 1.5 years.

By the time I reached fourth yr though, I had lost my musical career, had lost touch with several friends, and by November, the love of my life called it quits. And in exchange for all of this, I have a nice little certificate on my wall and a matching gold key, and a few high board scores.

My point is that it is so easy in all of this to lose your way. To get sucked into prestige and power factors. To let the anxiety of rotations and exams trump what you should be feeling and working on at home. And I paid an extreme price for it. An attempt to regain that balance played a pretty significant role in some decisions I made about residency, and I hope it works. The anxiety driven Type A that I am now is not who I was coming into this process. I could have kept going, but I, as described above, have made the conscious decision to take a step back, devote time to the relationships i have outside of Medicine, and be not only a great doctor but a great person outside of medicine. I applaud those who can go the distance and be both. But we are all rare to make it this far, to go that extra mile is the rarest indeed.

Man that sucks....I can see that happening to me though when i start med school.

I heard 4th year is supposed to be very chill? You probably have more time now, maybe you could go back to your girlfriend? Seems like a waste, she spend 3.5 years of the med school process with you and she is leaving right at the end?

 

[phllystyl]

Man that sucks....I can see that happening to me though when i start med school.

I heard 4th year is supposed to be very chill? You probably have more time now, maybe you could go back to your girlfriend? Seems like a waste, she spend 3.5 years of the med school process with you and she is leaving right at the end?

Well she did leave me, so its not really my choice to go back 😉 I think regardless of what has happened though, I think it is important to take a big step back and reassess your goals at each step in this process, not only about how you feel about the now of it, but how it conforms to how you idealized yourself being when you began that stage. It did directly influence my rank list, and I think in the end Ill be happier in the end.

I think the key is a) re-evaluate your stance on things often, and b) dont let the people on sdn fsck with your head. Remember this messageboard is by no means a natural sample population in terms of medical school, it is way-skewed, for the most part, towards the uber-student 😉

 

[FDoRoML]

Looking back now that she is about to graduate, we haven't had what some would call a "normal" relationship. It has been miserable at times and wonderful others.

Take it from someone who's been married for a few years... and about to enter the ranks of those who drag their spouse through med school/ residency:

"Miserable at times, wonderful others" IS a normal relationship! 😉

Whether or not you live in the burbs, work 9-5, and your wife drives the kiddies to soccer practice in your minivan has nothing to do with normalcy.

FDoRoML

 

[FDoRoML]

I agree with the 3rd or 4th poster who basically said "You can either be the nobel prize winner and sacrifice your family life or you can be really great and balance your life" etc.

I third that.

Having been in academics for a while now (research), I have seen it a lot. You either gun for the career and publish/ get grants/ keep your job as a prof here (top tier med school), or you do your time and take a position at a kinder, gentler school. It's a matter of what you want, and it's a rare spouse who can handle everything that goes along with the tenure track thing without some objection. Some marry within academics for this purpose (to have an understanding ear), but that backfires a lot when one of you ends up moving to a new U and the other may or may not get a job. It's a matter of, OK, who will sacrifice their career?

I have a friend who finds balance in career and play, and still manages to stay in a committed relationship. He's totally against marrying within your field-- and it works for him.

Who knows, but hopefully it works that way b/c my hubby couln't be any further from medicine and science!

FDoRoML

 

[NRAI2001]

I third that.

Having been in academics for a while now (research), I have seen it a lot. You either gun for the career and publish/ get grants/ keep your job as a prof here (top tier med school), or you do your time and take a position at a kinder, gentler school. It's a matter of what you want, and it's a rare spouse who can handle everything that goes along with the tenure track thing without some objection. Some marry within academics for this purpose (to have an understanding ear), but that backfires a lot when one of you ends up moving to a new U and the other may or may not get a job. It's a matter of, OK, who will sacrifice their career?

I have a friend who finds balance in career and play, and still manages to stay in a committed relationship. He's totally against marrying within your field-- and it works for him.

Who knows, but hopefully it works that way b/c my hubby couln't be any further from medicine and science!

FDoRoML

Is that a monkey?

 

[FDoRoML]

Is that a monkey?

Uhm, I hope you mean my avatar, right? Yeah.

If you are wondering whether I'm a monkey based on my posts... well, I stopped flinging poo at everyone years ago. OK, months, maybe. 😀

 

[NRAI2001]

Uhm, I hope you mean my avatar, right? Yeah.

If you are wondering whether I'm a monkey based on my posts... well, I stopped flinging poo at everyone years ago. OK, months, maybe. 😀

Yaaaa, the avatar......

 

[NRAI2001]

Uhm, I hope you mean my avatar, right? Yeah.

If you are wondering whether I'm a monkey based on my posts... well, I stopped flinging poo at everyone years ago. OK, months, maybe. 😀

Double post