School close to SO or dream school but LDR?

[Roquefort]

Hi everyone. I'm an upcoming first year who had committed to Tufts, but I was accepted off the waitlist at Cornell. I really liked Tufts when I visited and I haven't had the chance to visit Cornell, but for some reason I'm so drawn to it. I know that I would go to Cornell if there were no external factors, but my boyfriend will be doing his PhD at the Tufts Medford campus and we had planned on living together halfway between the Grafton and Medford campuses. I've been struggling a lot with deciding whether to turn down Cornell or go there but have to do a long distance relationship.

I was wondering if anyone has any insight on living with your SO vs. LDR during vet school, or on either of these two schools in particular?

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[mmmdreamerz]

Hi everyone. I'm an upcoming first year who had committed to Tufts, but I was accepted off the waitlist at Cornell. I really liked Tufts when I visited and I haven't had the chance to visit Cornell, but for some reason I'm so drawn to it. I know that I would go to Cornell if there were no external factors, but my boyfriend will be doing his PhD at the Tufts Medford campus and we had planned on living together halfway between the Grafton and Medford campuses. I've been struggling a lot with deciding whether to turn down Cornell or go there but have to do a long distance relationship.

I was wondering if anyone has any insight on living with your SO vs. LDR during vet school, or on either of these two schools in particular?

what is the cost difference (think about cost of living too)?

 

[Roquefort]

what is the cost difference (think about cost of living too)?

The costs are pretty similar altogether. Combining estimated cost of living, gas money, etc., Cornell is about $9000 cheaper combined over the four years.

 

[DVMDream]

The costs are pretty similar altogether. Combining estimated cost of living, gas money, etc., Cornell is about $9000 cheaper combined over the four years.

Are you taking into account that you and SO will be able to split costs for living, utilities, food, etc if you're living together?

 

[Minnerbelle]

As someone who picked the dream school LDR, which didn’t go well, which then prompted making major sacrifices schooling wise for my relationship, which eventually failed... I wished I’d just committed to one or the other from the beginning. I didn’t because I’d been in the relationship for less than a year when I had to make the decision, so I picked what I would have done had he not been in the picture. If we were more serious at the time of matriculation, I wouldn’t have picked the LDR unless I knew that the far away option would provide something I truly needed/wanted for my career that I wouldn’t get at the local school. That want/need would have to be more important than my relationship for me to justify that.

So if cost isn’t a factor I would personally go to Tufts and stay with the SO. You don’t seem to have a good concrete reason to sacrifice your relationship, so maybe don’t? How serious are you about the relationship? I think I would be rightfully resentful if my SO elected to move away because they felt the other school had a “je ne sais quoi” allure... as if that were more important than the allure of keeping our relationship intact. Also, your SO is a PhD candidate. Are you willing to drop everything in another 4-7 years to follow him wherever he wants to go for his post doc? As in limit your choices for internship/residency if you decide to pursue further training? Or do you expect him to always either be ok with an LDR vs. follow where you want to be. I guess it depends on what his PhD is in, but for a lot of fields it gets more and more restrictive the further up you go. My husband and all his friends are PhD scientists all around 40 yrs old in the Boston area right now and damn it’s a tough tough world. Only half of them have true adult scientist jobs. The other half are still stuck in the non-tenure track bull**** instructor position which just means they are aged out postdocs with nowhere to go. The second they have a viable job offer, they are literally going to up and move wherever that is.

If your relationship isn’t that serious, then I guess it’s a matter of what you want to prioritize. If you feel like you would resent having not picked your dream school, and would rather your relationship end than feel that way forever, then go. If you would regret not having given your relationship the best chance to survive should it end (a lot of vet school relationships end even with marriages), then don’t go.

 

[MOOSEygoosey]

Hi everyone. I'm an upcoming first year who had committed to Tufts, but I was accepted off the waitlist at Cornell. I really liked Tufts when I visited and I haven't had the chance to visit Cornell, but for some reason I'm so drawn to it. I know that I would go to Cornell if there were no external factors, but my boyfriend will be doing his PhD at the Tufts Medford campus and we had planned on living together halfway between the Grafton and Medford campuses. I've been struggling a lot with deciding whether to turn down Cornell or go there but have to do a long distance relationship.

I was wondering if anyone has any insight on living with your SO vs. LDR during vet school, or on either of these two schools in particular?

Literally was in an incredibly similar scenario

I'm a NY resident so Cornell is my in-state school so funds were a bit more important for me. My bf is from Massachusetts and we met at UMass Amherst. He's a software engineer and is now working for Amazon in Boston. When vet school started, we had been going out for 3 1/2 years and lived together for 2 1/2 years of that. We knew this was going to be a difficult transition but we supported each other in our careers and knew we needed to make the best decisions for our respective careers. It's been tough and there have definitely been arguments about it since. LDRs are not easy, if you've lived together by yourselves then it's even harder to transition! But I know we made the right choices for ourselves! Life is not as easy as it could be but as my grandma always says "Anything worthwhile takes time!" We've learned to work on our relationship in different ways, we've developed new coping skills, and discovered newfound independence! I've found my people, he's found his! He's my best friend and we would spend every spare second together in college, which somewhat limited our social lives outside of the relationship. Now, we're doing pretty well (he's been staying with me during quarantine so we've been living together since late March! This time has 100% reaffirmed that we work living together!)

Also, I do have to ask, have you lived with your SO before? If not, you have to think about if that's going to be a good and easy transition during vet school! Some people are best friends and get along but the second you throw them into the same apartment/house, **** just hits the fan (especially with the stress from school and new jobs, etc.).

You need to make the best choice for you! Whatever you think is best for your career (is him being in the area going to make you feel so much better that it will positively affect your school work? Will it be a big distraction because he'll get home and not have to do anything but you'll still have to study?) is what you have to do!

 

[ajs513]

Also joining in to reiterate that you should do what you feel most comfortable doing. If it’s a longterm relationship and you have plans for things like marriage and a family, it’s not a stupid idea to follow your SO like if often is for undergrad. Especially since the cost difference isn’t much at all. If you’ve only been dating for a year, haven’t lived with each other, etc. then that would probably influence your decision more in the direction of choosing your dream school.

Long distance relationships are tough, but everyone handles them differently. Some people have no problem with them. It’s especially less difficult if you’re very secure in your relationship, jealousy has never been an issue, you trust each other a lot, and other things along those lines. If that’s not the case, as it isn’t in probably most relationships, it may be way too difficult to do a long distance relationship. That’s something you have to look introspectively and really be honest with yourself about.

 

[staff_wielder]

Life is short. Have an internal check to see how you feel about him and how he feels about you and what that means for down the line when you guys come across issues and what both of your drives will be to overcome them together rather than split. Second, I'm sure you know, but last I checked Cornell was PBL style? (Is this true still guys?) vs the more didactic teaching style at Tufts. Several of my friends that went to Tufts said that it was hard to be away from the city, so far out in the boonies -- activity and people and diversity wise, but if you've got your SO, you guys will have each other. I loved Tufts and the emphasis on non-trad people and that they have a good balance between academics and clinical competency (vs the infamous Penn grad's abilities out the door). I had tried to connect with some current 2nd years at the time of applying but it didn't really work which was a bit disheartening but I would have picked it over Penn if it had made more sense financially. P.s. Vtech was my instate and vastly cheaper than any other school but it was absolutely just not the right fit for me -- people, location, opportunities, connection etc etc etc, the list goes on. Good luck; I really hope things works out for you in a way that leaves you happy.

 

[Midnight0217]

Can I just say... visit the school before you decide. I thought I was dead set on UF and even when I toured Auburn I was like nah I want UF. But then.... I toured UF and my heart dropped for Auburn. You may think, outside looking in, it’s nice. Once you’re already there, could be a different story. Had I not went on the tour, I would’ve honestly suffered. So just a thought.
I’ll also be long distance with my fiancé. But he’s in the Army so we’ve kinda already been living it. I will say, you would hope your SO would want you to do what’s best for you. If you don’t do what’s best for YOU and what you want, how are you really growing within yourself and within the relationship? If Tufts is the better option with all those pros, then stick with your choice. Just do what you want and love! Good luck and I’m sure everything will work out for you.

 

[Minnerbelle]

. Several of my friends that went to Tufts said that it was hard to be away from the city, so far out in the boonies -- activity and people and diversity wise, but if you've got your SO, you guys will have each other.

Is Ithaca any better? Isn’t it also in the boonies?

 

[EB73674]

Is Ithaca any better? Isn’t it also in the boonies?

Depends what you’re calling “the boonies” - Ithaca is more rural than most places, but there’s still massive amounts of culture & academic stuff going on. When I visited, I felt like it was very similar to the Five College area in western MA - fairly rural but TONS of culture and good restaurants and activities and decent shopping. I think Grafton is REALLY more boonies, with less to do. Great if you like farming communities, not so much if you need lots to do.

 

[Minnerbelle]

Depends what you’re calling “the boonies” - Ithaca is more rural than most places, but there’s still massive amounts of culture & academic stuff going on. When I visited, I felt like it was very similar to the Five College area in western MA - fairly rural but TONS of culture and good restaurants and activities and decent shopping. I think Grafton is REALLY more boonies, with less to do. Great if you like farming communities, not so much if you need lots to do.

Lol I think we must have different ideas of culture in the boonies. The Five College area is like my idea of rural hell. I could do Grafton - not exciting at all but close enough to worcester and providence and Boston and surrounding suburbs.

 

[agility_tyme21]

Happy to answer any questions you have about Cornell/Ithaca area (or long distance significant others - I've done it for all 3 years so far!), feel free to pm me to chat!

 

[EB73674]

Lol I think we must have different ideas of culture in the boonies. The Five College area is like my idea of rural hell. I could do Grafton - not exciting at all but close enough to worcester and providence and Boston and surrounding suburbs.

Lol fair, I’m a suburban gal desperate to leave it alllll behind, plus I have super fond college memories of that type of area. Ithaca is my earthy-crunchy Teva-wearing Wegmans-adjacent DREAM. I also spent a ton of time in TRULY rural Vermont, so Ithaca feels just about right in terms of “can get somewhere to shop for a new pair of shoes within 15 minutes” but still surrounded by mountains.

 

[cbucks]

I can answer any questions about Tufts and about being in an LDR if that's what you end up doing I made a similar post about being in an LDR in another thread, I'll try to quote that here!

My fiancé and I are long distance (~5-6 hours, I'm at Tufts and he lives in Philly). We went to undergrad together so we were used to spending a looooot of time with each other, and initially were going to move to Massachusetts together but scrapped that plan for living in our own areas instead. I am very different from lioness2408 in the fact that I need to go to each lecture to pay attention or else I get too distracted in my house Either way, I also have not had much difficulty seeing my fiancé! With how our lecture schedule is (at least first year), we have 3 weeks in a row that have an exam and then one "off" week with no exam. On the off week I'll usually drive down to him (although I have driven down the weekend before an anatomy exam, just had to be extra prepared the week leading up to it!), and then there will be some weekends before an exam where he'll drive up and visit me. Even when we're not in person we call/FaceTime each other a lot just to catch up and keep in contact! I think that communication can be a big thing that can really make/break a long distance relationship. It might sound weird, but making a "schedule" (like FaceTime dinners on Wednesday's, etc.) can be helpful in the beginning and get you into a pattern!

 

[battie]

I will say, you would hope your SO would want you to do what’s best for you

The reverse is also true. The LDR for the dream school might not be the best for the fiancee. So then you're stuck in a cycle of which person's career/life gets priority.

To the OP, I've been in a LDR for 3 years while in vet school, and you have to be willing to put in the work for the LDR to be successful. Good communication, realistic expectations of each others time, and actually *listening* to one another when an argument happens.

 

[staff_wielder]

Is Ithaca any better? Isn’t it also in the boonies?

Good point! I have no idea, though, haven't been to that area :/

I can answer any questions about Tufts and about being in an LDR if that's what you end up doing I made a similar post about being in an LDR in another thread, I'll try to quote that here!

Ahhh love this

 

[Midnight0217]

The reverse is also true. The LDR for the dream school might not be the best for the fiancee. So then you're stuck in a cycle of which person's career/life gets priority.

To the OP, I've been in a LDR for 3 years while in vet school, and you have to be willing to put in the work for the LDR to be successful. Good communication, realistic expectations of each others time, and actually *listening* to one another when an argument happens.

Maybe I misspoke? I was only saying that your SO would want what’s best for you. Obviously they would need to discuss the effects of their relationship with whatever is decided? I just personally would want my fiancé to grow, I wouldn’t make it a competition of whose situation is more important when we’re trying to grow together? which, it wasn’t quoted but is what I said afterward. You have to grow together whether it’s 5 ft from each other or miles apart. Who is to say they won’t break up If the OP chooses her original choice? There’s A LOT of what ifs for either party and either choice. If you really love each other, like you said, you have to be willing to make it work regardless of where you land... I also said first and foremost she should visit the school. I thought my dream school was one thing but I realized how wrong I was once I set foot on campus.

 

[battie]

Maybe I misspoke? I was only saying that your SO would want what’s best for you. Obviously they would need to discuss the effects of their relationship with whatever is decided? I just personally would want my fiancé to grow, I wouldn’t make it a competition of whose situation is more important when we’re trying to grow together? which, it wasn’t quoted but is what I said afterward. You have to grow together whether it’s 5 ft from each other or miles apart. Who is to say they won’t break up If the OP chooses her original choice? There’s A LOT of what ifs for either party and either choice. If you really love each other, like you said, you have to be willing to make it work regardless of where you land... I also said first and foremost she should visit the school. I thought my dream school was one thing but I realized how wrong I was once I set foot on campus.

I interpreted what you said in general differently than what you meant, which is on me. I agree that both in a relationship should want the other to grow. But I dont think what is good for one in a relationship is necessarily good for the other or the relationship as a whole is what I was getting at.