SDN Path guide to Poo, 1st Ed.

[b&ierstiefel]

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😱

It's fun to blame Andy for things.

hey, have a spoon!

 

[b&ierstiefel]

I bring this to you courtesy of kinetic:

Here's a post for Andy, since he's new here:

HOW TO POO AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable.

For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.


CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for
other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.
It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom.This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see
an OUT OF THE CLOSET enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE
CLOSET POOER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes
off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts
of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain
in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you
are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using CAMO-COUGH with an
ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE
TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
well as the other bathroom attendees.

 

[beary]

I use the "safe havens" technique.

 

[b&ierstiefel]

I like that one too...except in my case, it's a seldomly used drinking fountain.

 

[deschutes]

I like that one too...except in my case, it's a seldomly used drinking fountain.

It was seldom-used from a pooing perspective, I'm sure. Poor fountain. Maybe Andy will be reincarnated as one in his next life You have my commiserations!

 

[b&ierstiefel]

It was seldom-used from a pooing perspective, I'm sure. Poor fountain. Maybe Andy will be reincarnated as one in his next life You have my commiserations!

what a horrible thing to say.

 

[deschutes]

what a horrible thing to say.

Remember, not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy! 😉

 

[b&ierstiefel]

Remember, not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy! 😉

i'll take your word for it. i haven't let anyone defecate on me so i'm not qualified to make a verdict on that one.

 

[deschutes]

i'll take your word for it. i haven't let anyone defecate on me so i'm not qualified to make a verdict on that one.

As a med student treated like an intern-to-be, I am a shroom. I am forever kept in the dark and periodically shovelled with manure.

 

[b&ierstiefel]

As a med student treated like an intern-to-be, I am a shroom. I am forever kept in the dark and periodically shovelled with manure.

if you're kept in the dark about patient related matters, you're not being treated like an intern-to-be. at least you don't have to do subIs. and of course, no intern year. BOOYAH!

 

[beary]

at least you don't have to do subIs.

no subIs??!! Is this a Canadian thing?

*picks up and moves to Canada*

 

[b&ierstiefel]

no subIs??!! Is this a Canadian thing?

*picks up and moves to Canada*

and your $10 US will turn into $492835.23 canadian.

 

[deschutes]

no subIs??!! Is this a Canadian thing?

*picks up and moves to Canada*

I have it on good authority that on the surgery rotation at CFU, clerks are allowed time off to "read" 😉

 

[beary]

and your $10 US will turn into $492835.23 canadian.

sweet! even more reason to go!

 

[deschutes]

sweet! even more reason to go!

Oh look she even uses the term "sweet" correctly 🙂 She'll be right at home 😀

 

[beary]

Oh look she even uses the term "sweet" correctly 🙂 She'll be right at home 😀

I know what I'm doing, eh? 😉

 

[b&ierstiefel]

I know what I'm doing, eh? 😉

yeah but you're not gonna find much to do when you're walkin' oot and aboot in that "country"

 

[deschutes]

yeah but you're not gonna find much to do when you're walkin' oot and aboot in that "country"

Nobody told you to go walkin' in Sasketchewan...

 

[beary]

Nobody told you to go walkin' in Sasketchewan...

I would like to go to Sasketchewan sometime. Is that were Banff is? (Apologies if my geography is off).

 

[b&ierstiefel]

Nobody told you to go walkin' in Sasketchewan...

yeah i got lost. you need to put up better road signs.

 

[deschutes]

I would like to go to Sasketchewan sometime. Is that were Banff is? (Apologies if my geography is off).

Banff is in Alberta, which is where I am. Saskatchewan is like the Dakotas (apologies if my geography is off) - a lot of flat nothingness. Just keep driving.

 

[b&ierstiefel]

my mom tells me that there are a lot of asian people in alberta.

 

[beary]

Banff is in Alberta, which is where I am.

Oh, I'm jealous! Have you been there?

Parks that I totally want to go to but haven't been there yet:
Banff!
Glacier
Yosemite
Smoky Mountain
Everglades
Zion

 

[beary]

Sasketchewan is like the Dakotas (apologies if my geography is off) - a lot of flat nothingness. Just keep driving.

South Dakota has the Blackhills, Wind Cave, and the Badlands, all of which are totally the bomb.

Mount Rushmore - not the bomb. Just get a postcard.

Crazy Horse Monument - biggest rip off ever. Just look at it from the road and save yourself $15.

 

[deschutes]

beary that's a nice list! To which I would add the Sequioas, the Sarawak Chamber and the Icefields Parkway. Where is Zion?

my mom tells me that there are a lot of asian people in alberta.

I am told Winnipeg, MB is even more international.

 

[beary]

beary that's a nice list! To which I would add the Sequioas, the Sarawak Chamber and the Icefields Parkway. Where is Zion?

Sequoias is an excellent addition! I do not know about the Sarawak Chamber and the Icefields Parkway, but will look them up.

I 😍 parks!

Zion is in Utah.

 

[deschutes]

Zion is in Utah.

Curious. I thought Zion was buried deep beneath the earth's surface... 🙂

The Icefields Parkway is miles and miles of take-your-breath-away:

~

The Sarawak Chamber:

It's on the island of Borneo 😉
According to the Guinnes Book of Records it is the largest cave chamber in the world and can easily accomodate 40 Boeing 747s.

The surrounding geography is interesting:

 

[beary]

Curious. I thought Zion was buried deep beneath the earth's surface... 🙂

Of course. This is the other Zion. 😉

The Icefields Parkway is miles and miles of take-your-breath-away:

Gorgeous! I must go sometime!!

The Sarawak Chamber:
It's on the island of Borneo 😉
According to the Guinnes Book of Records it is the largest cave chamber in the world and can easily accomodate 40 Boeing 747s.

Also looks very cool. Will have to add to my list of overseas destinations.

All this coverage of the Vatican is making me really want to go there. But first gotta hit up some of these parks. 🙂

 

[ItsGavinC]

Best Path thread ever (if such a thing must exist) 😉

 

[beary]

Best Path thread ever (if such a thing must exist) 😉

the poo or the parks?

 

[yaah]

I want to go to Thunder Bay.

 

[bananaface]

Which is where?

 

[deschutes]

Which is where?

I believe he refers to a spot in northeastern Canada, though I have not been around here long enough to know much about it!

I think they have a good rural family med program there 😀 For what that's worth.

 

[deschutes]

We take a break from regular programming to investigate asparagus pee.

According to Elizabeth Somer (MA,RD), the mercaptan in asparagus also found in rotten eggs and skunk is digested and excreted in your pee, thus causing the smell.

The odd thing is that not everyone pees the same way.
Some people have the enzyme to break mercaptan down to make smelly pee, some don't.

And then there are some who cannot smell the smelliness i.e. you have stinky urine but you don't know it.

(The allegation that asparagus makes your pee green, is entirely false.)

 

[bananaface]

The non smellers would make good skunk-roadkill collectors. 👍

 

[beary]

I cannot eat asparagus because it makes my pee smell so bad. I love the taste of asparagus, but it's just not worth it.

 

[beary]

Pepto-bismol turns poo black.

 

[bananaface]

B vitamins turn pee irridescent yellow.