Should Grandma move in?

[montessori2md]

Hi all : )

I've told my parents about my med school dreams, and my mom is being super-supportive, partly b/c she's single and young (she's 47), partly b/c she's a great mom. She's offered to move here and help out w/ my son (he's 2 now) while I go back to school, and has suggested that she could maybe help ease the financial burden as well.

Here's my question: should we have mom move in with us and get a bigger place (we have a tiny townhouse right now), or keep our teeny place and have her get her own place?

Our guess is the cost of getting her a place of her own is an additional 100,000 (at least) vs sharing a place together. Also, I'm thinking she would be more help in the house than out (less cooking, shopping, and cleaning for both of us, plus she's already in the house for "babysitting").

On the other hand, that's adding on an additional study distraction (I can't send my son to her house if I have a big exam, and she could theoretically be distracting without meaning to be, who knows what sort of tensions could be created by sharing a living space, etc). My husband swears he can live in any situation, to do what's best for everybody (he's so awesome!).

Did anyone move in with mom or vice-versa while in school? Anyone with kids wishing they did?

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[.edu-MD]

.

 

[adventurer]

You definitely have to talk with your mother about this as well, but even my "single friends" in Pharmacy school have too many distractions at home to study, so I don't know that that should be the deciding factor. Most of them live in the library before exams. My "married with kids" friends choose the library for the same reason-I guess they just have different distractions (beer pong vs cute child!)

 

[odrade1]

Hi all : )

I've told my parents about my med school dreams, and my mom is being super-supportive, partly b/c she's single and young (she's 47), partly b/c she's a great mom. She's offered to move here and help out w/ my son (he's 2 now) while I go back to school, and has suggested that she could maybe help ease the financial burden as well.

Here's my question: should we have mom move in with us and get a bigger place (we have a tiny townhouse right now), or keep our teeny place and have her get her own place?

Our guess is the cost of getting her a place of her own is an additional 100,000 (at least) vs sharing a place together. Also, I'm thinking she would be more help in the house than out (less cooking, shopping, and cleaning for both of us, plus she's already in the house for "babysitting").

On the other hand, that's adding on an additional study distraction (I can't send my son to her house if I have a big exam, and she could theoretically be distracting without meaning to be, who knows what sort of tensions could be created by sharing a living space, etc). My husband swears he can live in any situation, to do what's best for everybody (he's so awesome!).

Did anyone move in with mom or vice-versa while in school? Anyone with kids wishing they did?

I'd say it depends on your family makeup & traditions. I come from a WASPy family; everyone is fiercely independent & very private. Adult Children are encouraged to take care of themselves, and relations are warm, but formal. I am sure that my mother *could* move in with us and we would still be friends, but it would strain our relationship, make my partner miserable, and blur the boundaries of yours vs. mine with respect to both authority and space. Honestly, I find it hard to believe that other people would even consider this, but then I remember that not everyone is like my family.

I will welcome my parents permanently into my home only after they are unable to easily care for themselves. Also, they would be staying in a guest house, carriage house, or nearby condo, and not in my actual home. Both they and I would be happier with that arrangement.

I would consel against buying property if you are going to count on her financial input to remain financially solvent once you move. What if the relationship becomes difficult, and she wants to move? How could she do so then without bankrupting you & your husband?

Perhaps you could agree to let her live in a nearby condo, rented room, or apartment for the first year, before taking the plunge of buying a bigger home to permanently move your mother into your space. Another idea: I have a friend who turned their garage into a nice apartment for another friend, who paid a reasonable rent to the owners. This allowed them to be close to one another, while maintaining financial and spatial independence.

Also, consider seeing a therapist before doing this. You, your husband, and your mother all need to figure out the emotional & psychological angles of your plan before you try it!

Good luck

 

[FrkyBgStok]

oh man. i love my mom to death and wouldn't trade her for the world, but there is no way i would ever live with her again even if it is my house. but good luck.

 

[efex101]

If your mom is willing and able to be your "nanny" while you go to medical school that is just the best gift ever! I cannot believe you are thinking about this...unless a) you do not like or get along with your mother b) your husband is willing and able to stay home full-time and take care of your kid and cook/clean/shop/etc or c) you are wealthy enough that you can afford a nanny. I wish my mother could have done this...medical school is highly demanding as you know and having someone there looling out for you and your family is priceless. Also, if you do get distracted with her at home then study at school there should be no problem finding a good spot to study right? so that is a non-issue.

 

[LADoc00]

Hi all : )

I've told my parents about my med school dreams, and my mom is being super-supportive, partly b/c she's single and young (she's 47), partly b/c she's a great mom. She's offered to move here and help out w/ my son (he's 2 now) while I go back to school, and has suggested that she could maybe help ease the financial burden as well.

Here's my question: should we have mom move in with us and get a bigger place (we have a tiny townhouse right now), or keep our teeny place and have her get her own place?

Our guess is the cost of getting her a place of her own is an additional 100,000 (at least) vs sharing a place together. Also, I'm thinking she would be more help in the house than out (less cooking, shopping, and cleaning for both of us, plus she's already in the house for "babysitting").

On the other hand, that's adding on an additional study distraction (I can't send my son to her house if I have a big exam, and she could theoretically be distracting without meaning to be, who knows what sort of tensions could be created by sharing a living space, etc). My husband swears he can live in any situation, to do what's best for everybody (he's so awesome!).

Did anyone move in with mom or vice-versa while in school? Anyone with kids wishing they did?

No, no. He may say that, but no. Fear for your marriage if you do this.

 

[montessori2md]

Wow!

I guess b/c we have so many acquaintances who have done this for at least a short while (DC has a lot of asian/middle eastern families and in laws/extended relatives are often part of the package when you marry), I didn't really think much of the whole house sharing thing as being odd.

I think if we find the right house (with an "inlaw suite" w/ separate entrance, etc) we could do it, I don't think we'd buy anything with a mortgage we couldn't handle on our own, in case she did want to move out. It also helps that she would likely work 2nd or 3rd shift, so theoretically we wouldn't see that much of each other, as my classes would obviously be during the day (but she'd be home to "watch" the kid).

My husband is asian, and he had an "extended" household for part of his childhood, and he's had roommates from hell in recent history (just before we were married). I dunno....