Should I stay, or Should I go??

[OnetimeQ]

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Hi guys!

Long time lurker here and I really appreciate the information you people put out there. I have a big decision to make and I hope I can get some of your thoughts.

When I decided to become a doctor I faced the usual "Why not become a nurse, its easier" talk from my family...so to avoid conflict and all that negativity, I moved out, and far away. I have been supporting myself since then, working fulltime and taking classes at Community College. But I think I have gone about as far as I can go with that and need to xfer to a University. The thing is, I do not think it will be possible to continue working full time and taking classes at university, due to scheduling conflicts.

My first thought is to move back in with family as they have come around a little. The down side is I will then be moving to another state and having to face out of state tuition for atleast one year. I can get financial aid, but it will still mean taking out a loan. The up side, I can work significantly less, I will not be paying rent or bills (except for mine) I can take more classes and pursue other interests outside of school and build a better application. Right now I am a lifeless, friendless drone who basically goes from class to work to bed to class to work.....

My second thought is to stay where I am with instate tuition and take out a bigger loan to cover living costs since, I will have to work less to focus on school and FAFSA will not cut it. The downside, BIGGER loan, awkward situation ( I have an ex here and part of the reason we broke up was becasue of the fact that I waas considering moving away)...and frankly I miss my family. The conflicts we had in the past drove a wedge between us and it's hard being so far from them.


Of course there is more to the story, but this is as much as I can say without giving you my life history.

So any thoughts?

 

[tarheel1408]

Hi guys!

Long time lurker here and I really appreciate the information you people put out there. I have a big decision to make and I hope I can get some of your thoughts.

When I decided to become a doctor I faced the usual "Why not become a nurse, its easier" talk from my family...so to avoid conflict and all that negativity, I moved out, and far away. I have been supporting myself since then, working fulltime and taking classes at Community College. But I think I have gone about as far as I can go with that and need to xfer to a University. The thing is, I do not think it will be possible to continue working full time and taking classes at university, due to scheduling conflicts.

My first thought is to move back in with family as they have come around a little. The down side is I will then be moving to another state and having to face out of state tuition for atleast one year. I can get financial aid, but it will still mean taking out a loan. The up side, I can work significantly less, I will not be paying rent or bills (except for mine) I can take more classes and pursue other interests outside of school and build a better application. Right now I am a lifeless, friendless drone who basically goes from class to work to bed to class to work.....

My second thought is to stay where I am with instate tuition and take out a bigger loan to cover living costs since, I will have to work less to focus on school and FAFSA will not cut it. The downside, BIGGER loan, awkward situation ( I have an ex here and part of the reason we broke up was becasue of the fact that I waas considering moving away)...and frankly I miss my family. The conflicts we had in the past drove a wedge between us and it's hard being so far from them.


Of course there is more to the story, but this is as much as I can say without giving you my life history.

So any thoughts?

Sounds like this is the type of question you shouldn't answer with help from an internet forum. This is an immensely personal question, and one that you need to answer either by yourself, or with close friends or family.

I will say this: your decision shouldn't be about money unless absolutely necessary. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

 

[OnetimeQ]

Sounds like this is the type of question you shouldn't answer with help from an internet forum. This is an immensely personal question, and one that you need to answer either by yourself, or with close friends or family.

I will say this: your decision shouldn't be about money unless absolutely necessary. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

I really wish it was as nice and warm and fuzzy as you make it sound.

I had to move out and literally cross country to be away from the negative environment my family created around me going into medicine. For the past three years, I have adapted to making decisions for myself without their input because it was clear where they stood.

Working so much and taking so many classes and being away from everyone I grew up with means I lost what close friendships I had and didn't have time or energy to cultivate and maintain new ones. My ex was pretty much my only support and even that is gone.

I truly am alone and it's hard...another reason why I want to cut back on work and have a life.

And money is a huge part of it...education is not cheap.

 

[tarheel1408]

I really wish it was as nice and warm and fuzzy as you make it sound.

I had to move out and literally cross country to be away from the negative environment my family created around me going into medicine. For the past three years, I have adapted to making decisions for myself without their input because it was clear where they stood.

Working so much and taking so many classes and being away from everyone I grew up with means I lost what close friendships I had and didn't have time or energy to cultivate and maintain new ones. My ex was pretty much my only support and even that is gone.

I truly am alone and it's hard...another reason why I want to cut back on work and have a life.

And money is a huge part of it...education is not cheap.

It may sound like cheesy advice, but one of the few things I firmly believe about this world is that life is what you make of it. You can choose to see it in a gloomy way or you can choose to see the best.

Just think about how you want your life to be a few years down the road. Make a list of the pros and cons of each path and you can logically narrow down which choice makes more sense for what you want to have. On the logical-emotional scale, I personally sit on the logical extreme, so I tend to make tough decisions like that.

 

[OnetimeQ]

I understand you guys are strangers, and that is what i need, people removed from the emotion and with no vested interest to help me sort things out...maybe there is an angle I am not thinking about?

 

[eggs13]

I really wish it was as nice and warm and fuzzy as you make it sound.

I had to move out and literally cross country to be away from the negative environment my family created around me going into medicine. For the past three years, I have adapted to making decisions for myself without their input because it was clear where they stood.

Working so much and taking so many classes and being away from everyone I grew up with means I lost what close friendships I had and didn't have time or energy to cultivate and maintain new ones. My ex was pretty much my only support and even that is gone.

I truly am alone and it's hard...another reason why I want to cut back on work and have a life.

And money is a huge part of it...education is not cheap.

just curious, but why is your family so adamantly against you going into medicine that it led to a complete falling out? that just doesn't make too much sense to me

 

[OnetimeQ]

just curious, but why is your family so adamantly against you going into medicine that it led to a complete falling out? that just doesn't make too much sense to me

" It's expensive"

"Its hard"

"It takes too long"

"You can do something like nursing which will help you get a job then after you can do whatever you want"

"You will do as we say or we will not support you"

"You are an ungrateful child and disrespectful as you will not listen to advice from your elders"


People in my community use nursing as a way out...an easy fix. Most of the girls end up becoming RN's getting married and settling for that life. I wanted more... I believed and still do that I could be more than all that.

 

[tarheel1408]

I understand you guys are strangers, and that is what i need, people removed from the emotion and with no vested interest to help me sort things out...maybe there is an angle I am not thinking about?

If that's what you want, then I'll offer what I would do. Granted, my relationship with my family is better than yours, so that could affect the decision. But here is my thought process: If I stay put, then I'll save a lot of money. I won't incur moving costs, and I'll get to pay instate tuition, which would be even cheaper with financial aid. If I were to head home, I'd pay quite a bit more money to do so, but I'd be around my family.

Now I ask myself, "Would I pay $50,000 (total guess) to be around my family?" because that's what it equates to. It may seem like a drastic decision now, but think about yourself when your parents have passed away and you missed a decade of life with them. Would you pay $50,000 then to spend a decade with them? I would.

 

[Owlie]

One thing jumped out at me. You have to be a resident of that state without the intent on attending school there for one year, and then you can attend school. I don't know what it's like where you are, but in the pacific northwest, you have to be idle for a year before you can get out-of-state tuition.

 

[OnetimeQ]

If that's what you want, then I'll offer what I would do. Granted, my relationship with my family is better than yours, so that could affect the decision. But here is my thought process: If I stay put, then I'll save a lot of money. I won't incur moving costs, and I'll get to pay instate tuition, which would be even cheaper with financial aid. If I were to head home, I'd pay quite a bit more money to do so, but I'd be around my family.

Now I ask myself, "Would I pay $50,000 (total guess) to be around my family?" because that's what it equates to. It may seem like a drastic decision now, but think about yourself when your parents have passed away and you missed a decade of life with them. Would you pay $50,000 then to spend a decade with them? I would.

I just don't know... I love my family and I want to mend fences with them...but I don't know if increasing my debt right now is the best option 🙁 TBH most of me leans towards going, but I want to make a rational decision and weigh all my options.

One thing jumped out at me. You have to be a resident of that state without the intent on attending school there for one year, and then you can attend school. I don't know what it's like where you are, but in the pacific northwest, you have to be idle for a year before you can get out-of-state tuition.

I'm not sure I understand....

 

[sinombre]

It may sound like cheesy advice, but one of the few things I firmly believe about this world is that life is what you make of it. You can choose to see it in a gloomy way or you can choose to see the best.

Just think about how you want your life to be a few years down the road. Make a list of the pros and cons of each path and you can logically narrow down which choice makes more sense for what you want to have. On the logical-emotional scale, I personally sit on the logical extreme, so I tend to make tough decisions like that.

+1 for the importance of perspective and optimism.

OP, I have (or, had) a similar background. Transfer to a university, take out enough loan money to cover tuition and cost of living, and focus on doing well and pursuing your dream. There is absolutely no way to justify working full time if you have the option of taking out loans. The time gained from not working will make it much easier to succeed academically, to find ECs that will help you stay driven and remind you of what you're working hard for, and to have a social life.

 

[OnetimeQ]

+1 for the importance of perspective and optimism.

OP, I have (or, had) a similar background. Transfer to a university, take out enough loan money to cover tuition and cost of living, and focus on doing well and pursuing your dream. There is absolutely no way to justify working full time if you have the option of taking out loans. The time gained from not working will make it much easier to succeed academically, to find ECs that will help you stay driven and remind you of what you're working hard for, and to have a social life.

It is pretty much settled that I have to do what you describe...I cannot realistically expect to prepare enough at undergrad level for med school while on my current path...not without great and unecessary difficulty anyway...

The question is whether I should do it in the state where I currently hold residency which means a smaller loan but distance from my family?

Or move back in with family in another state, have the opportunity to meds fences, but take out a much bigger loan atleast to cover that period when I will not qualify for in state tuition...

I'm terrified of debt..My philosophy pretty much is "If you can't afford it, learn to live without it." But this is my education, so I have no choice...i just want to be as smart as possible about it. I could always do scholarships and grants, my grades are good enough to get those, but it is not guaranteed...

 

[sinombre]

It is pretty much settled that I have to do what you describe...I cannot realistically expect to prepare enough at undergrad level for med school while on my current path...not without great and unecessary difficulty anyway...

The question is whether I should do it in the state where I currently hold residency which means a smaller loan but distance from my family?

Or move back in with family in another state, have the opportunity to meds fences, but take out a much bigger loan atleast to cover that period when I will not qualify for in state tuition...

I'm terrified of debt..My philosophy pretty much is "If you can't afford it, learn to live without it." But this is my education, so I have no choice...i just want to be as smart as possible about it. I could always do scholarships and grants, my grades are good enough to get those, but it is not guaranteed...

Why is it necessary to move closer to your family to mend fences? If you think your decision is being influenced by relationship baggage and a lack of a social life, you're probably right. Consider how much not working full time while taking classes will change how you feel (you'll have time to meet/date new people, focus on things that make you happy, and achieve a better balance). A newfound happiness will probably allow you to let go of a nostalgic and likely romanticized vision of your past.

Anyway, I think you face a pretty significant decision. You obviously have to take the advice you get from strangers with a grain of salt--just make sure you think long and hard about your decision.

 

[Geebeejay]

Hi guys!

Long time lurker here and I really appreciate the information you people put out there. I have a big decision to make and I hope I can get some of your thoughts.

When I decided to become a doctor I faced the usual "Why not become a nurse, its easier" talk from my family...so to avoid conflict and all that negativity, I moved out, and far away. I have been supporting myself since then, working fulltime and taking classes at Community College. But I think I have gone about as far as I can go with that and need to xfer to a University. The thing is, I do not think it will be possible to continue working full time and taking classes at university, due to scheduling conflicts.

My first thought is to move back in with family as they have come around a little. The down side is I will then be moving to another state and having to face out of state tuition for atleast one year. I can get financial aid, but it will still mean taking out a loan. The up side, I can work significantly less, I will not be paying rent or bills (except for mine) I can take more classes and pursue other interests outside of school and build a better application. Right now I am a lifeless, friendless drone who basically goes from class to work to bed to class to work.....

My second thought is to stay where I am with instate tuition and take out a bigger loan to cover living costs since, I will have to work less to focus on school and FAFSA will not cut it. The downside, BIGGER loan, awkward situation ( I have an ex here and part of the reason we broke up was becasue of the fact that I waas considering moving away)...and frankly I miss my family. The conflicts we had in the past drove a wedge between us and it's hard being so far from them.


Of course there is more to the story, but this is as much as I can say without giving you my life history.

So any thoughts?

Maybe your understating it, but this seems like a pretty ridiculous reason to completely cut off ties with your family. If reconnecting with them is the least expensive to make your way toward a medical school goal, then why not do it? You're certainly gonna need your financial support, because short of joining the military, I don't see any other way for you to afford to a. attend undergrad, b. apply to medical school and c. support yourself during all of this time. They may not want you to become a doctor, but are they really going to strip you of your opportunities to at least attend undergrad? Unless they are totally ****ed, which I don't get the impression based on your post, I don't think they will. If I'm off here and there truly is a significant enough of a problem between you and your family....maybe they beat your sister evertime you say the word "doctor", I dunno, but it would have to be a PRETTY big deal, then I hope your credit is good, because you're gonna be taking out significant loans even if you do manage to get some scholarships.

 

[OnetimeQ]

Why is it necessary to move closer to your family to mend fences?..

It is not necessary but moving in with them will permit me to cut living costs significantly and you cannot deny that proximity will greatly enhance the possibility of kissing and making up... So basically.. it is move in with them at the end of the year, pay out of state tuition for the next year or so and then eventually gain residency status and pay less tuition, have a support network, do other things out of school, be a litle happier, less stressed etc etc

Or stay where I am, pay less tuition.. take out a loan to cover living costs so i can work less and do other things, try to mend fences with them from cross country.

If you think your decision is being influenced by relationship baggage and a lack of a social life, you're probably right. Consider how much not working full time while taking classes will change how you feel (you'll have time to meet/date new people, focus on things that make you happy, and achieve a better balance). A newfound happiness will probably allow you to let go of a nostalgic and likely romanticized vision of your past..

True... See I hadn't even thought of this...

Anyway, I think you face a pretty significant decision. You obviously have to take the advice you get from strangers with a grain of salt--just make sure you think long and hard about your decision.

Oh I'm thinking...😀

Thank you so much!!

 

[sinombre]

Best of luck OP! Regardless of what you end up doing, don't let anyone deter you from pursuing your dream.

 

[OnetimeQ]

Maybe your understating it, but this seems like a pretty ridiculous reason to completely cut off ties with your family. If reconnecting with them is the least expensive to make your way toward a medical school goal, then why not do it? You're certainly gonna need your financial support, because short of joining the military, I don't see any other way for you to afford to a. attend undergrad, b. apply to medical school and c. support yourself during all of this time. They may not want you to become a doctor, but are they really going to strip you of your opportunities to at least attend undergrad? Unless they are totally ****ed, which I don't get the impression based on your post, I don't think they will. If I'm off here and there truly is a significant enough of a problem between you and your family....maybe they beat your sister evertime you say the word "doctor", I dunno, but it would have to be a PRETTY big deal, then I hope your credit is good, becaues you're gonna be taking out significant loans even if you do manage to get some scholarships.

Like I said, it will be hard to go into details without telling you my life history, but it was a pretty toxic environment... Moving out helped me gain the distance and perspective to see think and make decisions.

I think more than anything, the fact that they did not believe I could succeed with their "it is too hard and it takes too long and nursing will just be easier." I felt really betrayed at the time by their lack of support and faith in my abilities. I have always been a hard worker and a lot higher than average academically. Living on my own, working full time and still keeping my over all GPA > 3.5 and my science GPA > 3.7 restored my confidence. Also I think I have been independent for long enough and I am currently surer about what I want to do, I have it in me to now tell them to shove it, if they start with that talk. Back then i was younger, and more easily prone to being hurt.I

 

[Geebeejay]

Like I said, it will be hard to go into details without telling you my life history, but it was a pretty toxic environment... Moving out helped me gain the distance and perspective to see think and make decisions.

I think more than anything, the fact that they did not believe I could succeed with their "it is too hard and it takes too long and nursing will just be easier." I felt really betrayed at the time by their lack of support and faith in my abilities. I have always been a hard worker and a lot higher than average academically. Living on my own, working full time and still keeping my over all GPA > 3.5 and my science GPA > 3.7 restored my confidence. Also I think I have been independent for long enough and I am currently surer about what I want to do, I have it in me to now tell them to shove it, if they start with that talk. Back then i was younger, and more easily prone to being hurt.I

Fair enough....I guess the decision lies with you then - would you rather listen to them tell you you're not good enough, or would you rather accumulate more debt and struggle financially trying to get into medical school. In case you haven't gathered it by reading through the forums, applying to med school is tough enough without social baggage.

Personally, I think Talk is Cheap and not a big deal. If reconnecting them means having a place to live and attending university, then it's a no-brainer - you can find plenty of things to do on campus -studying, going to the gym, activities - to occupy yourself, and you only HAVE to go home to sleep, and maybe have meal. But I don't know what exactly you're going through, so if it's really that bad, then I take back my opinion.

Im not saying you're not independant....no one is. I hadn't accepted a dime from my parents in probably 4 years, and if they have an opinion about my career/my application that I don't agree with I simply don't listen and go along with my day. But I never would have been able to get through this process without at least their financial support.

 

[eaaa]

"but it was a pretty toxic environment... Moving out helped me gain the distance and perspective to see think and make decisions."

Have things at home really changed enough to be worth returning to? Free rent & food doesn't necessarily make up for returning to a toxic environment. You state that your confidence has been restored and that you can now tell them to "shove it"...but that may lose you the welcome (and free rent) that you're looking for. Hoping for things to be different, wanting to mend broken relationships, etc. are all well and good - but it is a two way street. Do they want to work on this relationship as well?

 

[OnetimeQ]

Fair enough....I guess the decision lies with you then - would you rather listen to them tell you you're not good enough, or would you rather accumulate more debt and struggle financially trying to get into medical school. In case you haven't gathered it by reading through the forums, applying to med school is tough enough without social baggage.

Personally, I think Talk is Cheap and not a big deal. If reconnecting them means having a place to live and attending university, then it's a no-brainer - you can find plenty of things to do on campus -studying, going to the gym, activities - to occupy yourself, and you only HAVE to go home to sleep, and maybe have meal. But I don't know what exactly you're going through, so if it's really that bad, then I take back my opinion.

Im not saying you're not independant....no one is. I hadn't accepted a dime from my parents in probably 4 years, and if they have an opinion about my career/my application that I don't agree with I simply don't listen and go along with my day. But I never would have been able to get through this process without at least their financial support.

Thank you for your honest opinion. I really do appreciate it. Ultimately, the most financial support I can expect is a place to live and not having to pay for water/power/internet etc...I will contribute for food, pay my own phone bill, buy my own gas and pretty much take care of myself in every other way.

"but it was a pretty toxic environment... Moving out helped me gain the distance and perspective to see think and make decisions."

Have things at home really changed enough to be worth returning to? Free rent & food doesn't necessarily make up for returning to a toxic environment. You state that your confidence has been restored and that you can now tell them to "shove it"...but that may lose you the welcome (and free rent) that you're looking for. Hoping for things to be different, wanting to mend broken relationships, etc. are all well and good - but it is a two way street. Do they want to work on this relationship as well?

They are trying to make amends too. I visited in the summer and there were a lot of talks about expectations and independence. I still run the risk of being in a situation where we clash about decisions. I am the baby in my family so everyone tends to think they know what is best for me. But I think I am strong enough now to do my thing with or without their approval. back then i was very vulnerable.

If it does get unbearable again, I might just end up moving out and never again think of moving back in but I do not think it will come to that. Things have changed since then.

 

[Owlie]

I'm not sure I understand....

Let's say I was a WA resident, and moved to Oregon for school. Because I moved to Oregon for the reason of school, even if I waited a year, I would still not gain Oregon residency. You must, at least over here, live in the state for a reason other than school before you're a resident. Then you can go to school here or there.

Make sense? Look at the residency laws for the states you're bouncing between.

 

[OnetimeQ]

Let's say I was a WA resident, and moved to Oregon for school. Because I moved to Oregon for the reason of school, even if I waited a year, I would still not gain Oregon residency. You must, at least over here, live in the state for a reason other than school before you're a resident. Then you can go to school here or there.

Make sense? Look at the residency laws for the states you're bouncing between.

I will be xfering to UIC. This is what their website says...

"B. In order to be classified as a resident for purposes of admission, an independent person shall be domiciled in Illinois and a bona fide resident of the state for at least one calendar year immediately preceding the date of receipt of the application for admission. To be considered a resident for purposes of assessment of tuition, an independent person must be a bona fide resident of the state for at least one calendar year immediately preceding the first scheduled day of classes for the term for which residency is sought.

C. During the one-year period in which a person attempts to establish residency, a person must be financially independent. He/she must rely upon gainful employment in Illinois or prove reliance upon resources in Illinois for more than fifty percent of the income sufficient to provide for tuition, fees, and normal living expenses, e.g., food, clothing, housing, and transportation. Income earned as a result of University enrollment, such as educational loans, graduate assistantships, or student employment, is not considered evidence of intent to establish residency. During the one-year period in which a person attempts to establish Illinois residency, a person must reside in the state primarily for other than educational purposes."

I will be uprooting myself from my current state and moving there. I will be getting a part time job atleast, filing taxes etc... From what I understand them to be saying, after one year of doing this, I will qualify as a resident...because I am not just moving there solely for school.

 

[xXIDaShizIXx]

Sounds like this is the type of question you shouldn't answer with help from an internet forum. This is an immensely personal question, and one that you need to answer either by yourself, or with close friends or family.

I will say this: your decision shouldn't be about money unless absolutely necessary. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

OP you need to do what makes you happy. Just don't quit in the middle of a semester.

 

[OnetimeQ]

OP you need to do what makes you happy. Just don't quit in the middle of a semester.

Don't intend to 🙂 That would suck.

Anyone have any other perspectives to add?

 

[HughMyron]

Baby you gotta let me know....

 

[OnetimeQ]

Baby you gotta let me know....

😕

Oh the song lol.... It seemed fitting