should i transfer

[confusedtransfe]

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first let me say I acknowledge looking for advice on an anonymous forum seems silly, but I have really been struggling with a decision and think outside perspective may help. so thanks in advance!

i finished med school a year before my girlfriend, so we were not able to couples match. I matched in a competitive field (intern + 4 years) at my top choice in the bay area. I love it here and I love my program. I am also interested in some of things that this area offers outside of medicine like medical innovation. my girlfriend was not able to match in the bay area when she applied due to the competitive nature of her field (intern + 3 years). she matched here for her intern year (which is in the middle of now) but in the midwest for her specialty. we have spent a while trying to figure out a way for her to stay here, but due to the match contract it seems not feasible at this time. since I am already out of my match contract, I looked into whether I could get a spot at her institution, and I found out that they could make one for me if I decided to pursue that. Both of my programs are top notch programs, but i really like the bay area (we both do) and was hoping to take advantage of some of the perks of living in this area. at the same time, i have been dating this girl for 5 years, living together for 2, and I am not sure if I should pass up the opportunity to move to be with her especially since that program is also an excellent one. it likely would not affect my clinical training, it is just more of an intense institution and much more work. i have stuggled with the decision because i am confident that either way her and I will stay together, and there are good and bad things about each program. direct flights are difficult between the two areas, and there are time zone changes. I have to make a decision within the next two days, and have been driving myself crazy (and her crazy) over the past month trying to decide. one day i think im moving, the next I would like to stay. she would like me to move, but I think she would understand if I didnt, altho Im sure she would subconsciously be upset about it. there is also the possibility that once she is out of the match agreement that she could find a spot to transfer in this area next year, but there is no guarantee.

what do you guys think?

 

[wannabeOBGYN]

first let me say I acknowledge looking for advice on an anonymous forum seems silly, but I have really been struggling with a decision and think outside perspective may help. so thanks in advance!

i finished med school a year before my girlfriend, so we were not able to couples match. I matched in a competitive field (intern + 4 years) at my top choice in the bay area. I love it here and I love my program. I am also interested in some of things that this area offers outside of medicine like medical innovation. my girlfriend was not able to match in the bay area when she applied due to the competitive nature of her field (intern + 3 years). she matched here for her intern year (which is in the middle of now) but in the midwest for her specialty. we have spent a while trying to figure out a way for her to stay here, but due to the match contract it seems not feasible at this time. since I am already out of my match contract, I looked into whether I could get a spot at her institution, and I found out that they could make one for me if I decided to pursue that. Both of my programs are top notch programs, but i really like the bay area (we both do) and was hoping to take advantage of some of the perks of living in this area. at the same time, i have been dating this girl for 5 years, living together for 2, and I am not sure if I should pass up the opportunity to move to be with her especially since that program is also an excellent one. it likely would not affect my clinical training, it is just more of an intense institution and much more work. i have stuggled with the decision because i am confident that either way her and I will stay together, and there are good and bad things about each program. direct flights are difficult between the two areas, and there are time zone changes. I have to make a decision within the next two days, and have been driving myself crazy (and her crazy) over the past month trying to decide. one day i think im moving, the next I would like to stay. she would like me to move, but I think she would understand if I didnt, altho Im sure she would subconsciously be upset about it. there is also the possibility that once she is out of the match agreement that she could find a spot to transfer in this area next year, but there is no guarantee.

what do you guys think?

If you are confident your relationship can survive being apart a few more years as you said, I'd stay where you are. You made it quite clear that you really like where you are for a multitude of reasons while simultaneously listing a few reasons not to like where you'd be moving to. Residency is a super busy time in your life, so it's not like you'd have all that much free time to see her anyway. Then again, I am single and able to make completely selfish decisions at the moment, so perhaps I am wrong. I think you know what you really want to do but you are having a hard time admitting it to yourself. Do what you feel is right and you won't be wrong (unless you're completely immoral, which you don't appear to be based on this single post...).

 

[mlw03]

this is a relationship question, not a residency one. you have an option that allows you to live in the same city as your long-term girlfriend. to pass it up because you like living in sf, in my opinion, would say something rather negative about how much you value the relationship. i'm not trivializing your situation, and i recognize how tough a choice this is. but it's not like you don't have an option to be with her. you do, and if you think this is someone you want to marry, you should strongly consider going with her to the midwest.

 

[PSurg530]

this is a relationship question, not a residency one. you have an option that allows you to live in the same city as your long-term girlfriend. to pass it up because you like living in sf, in my opinion, would say something rather negative about how much you value the relationship. i'm not trivializing your situation, and i recognize how tough a choice this is. but it's not like you don't have an option to be with her. you do, and if you think this is someone you want to marry, you should strongly consider going with her to the midwest.

Completely agree with this. I did the long distance thing for 1.5 years and it was miserable, and that was during med school when I had time to travel. I can't imagine how hard it is to see each other when it's a long plane flight away.

The midwest is a nice, usually affordable place to live. It looks like you guys will be done at the same time, right? So you can always plan a move back to the bay area after that.

Having seen other friends in this situation, I think your gf might resent you for choosing not to be with her. But I understand not wanting to give up your dream. It is definitely a really difficult decision.

 

[Rippey]

you should dump your girlfriend

find some one else in the bay area

there are plenty of fish in the sea

you just have to look and be available

 

[hikikomori]

If you are training at UCSF or Stanford right now, it would be crazy of you to give this up. You have worked very hard to get into this prestigious institution, don't waste it. If you are transferring to a top midwest program, say, University of Chicago, ok it is worth it. Otherwise, sorry, no other midwest programs can compete with UCSF or Stanford. It is almost like giving up Harvard... gag... for what?... for a woman? If your relationship is built to last, 3-4 years of separation should not matter. Er, there is this thing called the airplane... heard of that before? 🙂 SFO is a big international airport and it is cheap to go anywhere, mind you. Sure, SF location is attractive, but really, it is the institution and your own professional future matter most. I think, if she is the right woman, she will not let you waste this opportunity.

 

[Cooolguy]

what is medical innovation?

 

[BobA]

I was in a similar situation and you know what I did?

I got engaged and we're marrying this summer. We're moving forward together. I saw no point in making major life changing decisions like moving to a certain place for training without committing to the relationship.

If you're not willing to get married, don't move for the girl. That's just my 2 cents.

 

[thesauce]

If you are training at UCSF or Stanford right now, it would be crazy of you to give this up. You have worked very hard to get into this prestigious institution, don't waste it. If you are transferring to a top midwest program, say, University of Chicago, ok it is worth it. Otherwise, sorry, no other midwest programs can compete with UCSF or Stanford. It is almost like giving up Harvard... gag... for what?... for a woman? If your relationship is built to last, 3-4 years of separation should not matter. Er, there is this thing called the airplane... heard of that before? 🙂 SFO is a big international airport and it is cheap to go anywhere, mind you. Sure, SF location is attractive, but really, it is the institution and your own professional future matter most. I think, if she is the right woman, she will not let you waste this opportunity.

We don't know what specialty he's in. I don't think you can point out random institutions that might be worth transferring to/from without this crucial piece of information.

 

[Law2Doc]

.... I saw no point in making major life changing decisions like moving to a certain place for training without committing to the relationship.

If you're not willing to get married, don't move for the girl. That's just my 2 cents.

this. If you are not ready to be married after test driving each other for five years, it doesn't make sense to uproot for each other. Keep the LDR and see how it goes. If, however you are ready to commit to permanency in your relationship, then I think you gotta move.

 

[MoskD]

I was in a similar situation and you know what I did?

I got engaged and we're marrying this summer. We're moving forward together. I saw no point in making major life changing decisions like moving to a certain place for training without committing to the relationship.

If you're not willing to get married, don't move for the girl. That's just my 2 cents.

I completely agree. It's a good time to make a solid decision on the relationship.

 

[inspirationmd]

We don't know what specialty he's in. I don't think you can point out random institutions that might be worth transferring to/from without this crucial piece of information.

Probably Radiology or Rad Onc. ENT, or Urology. He said Intern + 4 years which I guess could possibly be ENT or Urology. I doubt he would have broken it up like that if it was categorical Gen Surg, Ortho, etc. For the same reason girlfriend's specialty (competitive and intern + 3 year) is likely either Anesthesia, Optho or Derm.