Significant other moving with you affecting your decision?

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t0othpick

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Hi everyone,

If your SO/spouse is moving with you, would you go to a school that's not your top choice so that your SO can continue to pursue his/her career while you are in med school?

My top choice is the University of Iowa (Carver) and I'm #2 on the waitlist. However, I'm already accepted at NYMC, so going there would make it easier in terms of him being able to continue with his career (He works for a big financial institution whose headquarters are in NYC, and he could do an inter-office transfer). Plus, we could probably live closer to the city, and we both LOVE NYC :)

Most of the people I've talked to say I should go to Iowa if accepted, since I've worked hard to get to where I am, and he can figure out what to do afterwards. What do you guys think? What would you do?

On a side note, even though Iowa might be considered more reputable, is the difference between Iowa and NYMC significant enough where it really matters?
 

phltz

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Hi everyone,

If your SO/spouse is moving with you, would you go to a school that's not your top choice so that your SO can continue to pursue his/her career while you are in med school?

My top choice is the University of Iowa (Carver) and I'm #2 on the waitlist. However, I'm already accepted at NYMC, so going there would make it easier in terms of him being able to continue with his career (He works for a big financial institution whose headquarters are in NYC, and he could do an inter-office transfer). Plus, we could probably live closer to the city, and we both LOVE NYC :)

Most of the people I've talked to say I should go to Iowa if accepted, since I've worked hard to get to where I am, and he can figure out what to do afterwards. What do you guys think? What would you do?

On a side note, even though Iowa might be considered more reputable, is the difference between Iowa and NYMC significant enough where it really matters?

If this guy works in finance, moving to Iowa pretty much scuttles his career. If you go to Iowa, he may have to choose between you and his career. If you're not too attached to him, that may be fine. We can't tell you how important your relationship is, you have to figure that one out yourself.
 
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The path to becoming a doctor is gonna take you a lot of places. Seeing as you will more than likely have to move again during residency, and then again if you end up doing a fellowship, I would say that you should go with NYMC so that you can have more time with him.

But that is just what I would do titles, ranks, and honors really mean nothing to me especially when it choosing between that and a person I love. That is what I would do because that is what I would want.

You know what you want and you know what takes priority in your life. If it is not your SO and let's be honest we don''t live in an 'ideal' world there are some people who value titles/honors/name over people, if you are one of those people go with Iowa.

Choose what you want that's always the right decision.
 
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digitalsea11010

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Hi everyone,

If your SO/spouse is moving with you, would you go to a school that's not your top choice so that your SO can continue to pursue his/her career while you are in med school?

My top choice is the University of Iowa (Carver) and I'm #2 on the waitlist. However, I'm already accepted at NYMC, so going there would make it easier in terms of him being able to continue with his career (He works for a big financial institution whose headquarters are in NYC, and he could do an inter-office transfer). Plus, we could probably live closer to the city, and we both LOVE NYC :)

Most of the people I've talked to say I should go to Iowa if accepted, since I've worked hard to get to where I am, and he can figure out what to do afterwards. What do you guys think? What would you do?

On a side note, even though Iowa might be considered more reputable, is the difference between Iowa and NYMC significant enough where it really matters?

Hey! I am in a similar predicament. I am not married, but I have been with the same person for just about four years. This is a tough decision, and I think you need to weigh the consequences. If your SO has no choice, but to move with you, you may be compromising his happiness by choosing a school that inhibits his dreams. On the other hand, if you choose a school that will not make you happy then you run into a similar problem.

10 years down the road, which mistake could you live with? Are you sure this person will stay with you through the hell that is residency? If you make the mistake of going to NY, and the worst happens and your relationship ends...well your out of luck. If you choose Iowa and he leaves you to go to NY, well then you are again out of luck. ( I don't mean to be a downer, but I am a realist which makes it a possibility) Iowa looks like a really awesome school if you are interested in ortho, derm, and internal medicine (this being said, match lists are almost impossible to interpret).

NYMC from my naive perspective seems to have a comparable match list. You don't necessarily see any Neurosurgeons or Radiation-Oncologists coming from Iowa this year, but this could just be reflective of the class, and the general preferences of the students there. It seems like most of them are staying in the Midwest, which should also be a consideration. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? The Midwest or the East Coast? I'm sure you could match to the east through Iowa, but the numbers show that the majority choose not to.

I have only heard amazing things about Carver, and NYMC sometimes gets a bad rep, but the people who have a strong opinion about NYMC are generally from NY, and NY has some power houses that make NYMC seem low tier. I think that the East Coast generally focuses on ranked schools more than the Midwest does, but all the evidence makes NYMC seem like a very solid school.

So I have probably highlighted all of the information that you have already considered, but now I am going to completely throw you for a loop. Research shows that with really hard decisions, you will be happiest if you go with your gut. Apparently, unconscious processing is better for super complex decisions while conscious processing is better for simple decisions. I get the impression that this means Iowa for you, but only you know what your gut is telling you, so you just have to be honest with yourself. If you want my personal back story PM me because I think I have made this post long enough haha. Good luck!!!
 

Frazier

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if you're in a "serious" relationship (i.e., married/engaged/etc) then, absolutely, your S.O. should affect your decision.

unhappy wife = unhappy life
(and same goes for husbands)

if you both "love NYC" and you get to go to med school and he gets to maintain/progress his career... this is a no-brainer, yo.
 

Shmemifly

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I'm in a similar position. I am happily choosing to take a hit to ranking for sig other. For me it came down to the relative difference -- I am certainly willing to make a sacrifice for my partner (that is part of relationships -- I would expect them to make decisions with me in mind too). But I will only make a sacrifice that is not so large that I think i would regret it if the relationship then exploded immediately.

For me, personally, I am willing to turn down a top 15ish school for one ranked in the upper-middle, but would try long distance rather than turn down a top 5 school, because i think that would be hard to let go of and is something i would come to regret in the long run.

If you like NYC and your boyfriend, choose NYMC. The difference is not that great.
 

Porfirio

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Hi everyone,

If your SO/spouse is moving with you, would you go to a school that's not your top choice so that your SO can continue to pursue his/her career while you are in med school?

My top choice is the University of Iowa (Carver) and I'm #2 on the waitlist. However, I'm already accepted at NYMC, so going there would make it easier in terms of him being able to continue with his career (He works for a big financial institution whose headquarters are in NYC, and he could do an inter-office transfer). Plus, we could probably live closer to the city, and we both LOVE NYC :)

Most of the people I've talked to say I should go to Iowa if accepted, since I've worked hard to get to where I am, and he can figure out what to do afterwards. What do you guys think? What would you do?

On a side note, even though Iowa might be considered more reputable, is the difference between Iowa and NYMC significant enough where it really matters?

This is a no brainer - go to NYMC. You will enjoy your life a lot more than in Iowa.

The earning potential for both of you having a career is way more than you would ever have as you being the bread winner (considering he works for a big financial institution). You will also make him happy and demonstrate that the relationship is just as important to you as it is to him. The difference between Iowa and NYMC is meaningless compared to everything you gain. I see no down-side in you going to NYMC.

Edit:

Tell him you want to go to NYMC then (I've been really trying baby, Trying to hold back this feelin' for so long, And if you feel like I feel - baby, Then come on - oh - come on, Whoo - Let's get it on - Ah - Babe - Let's get it on)
 

t0othpick

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Thank you all for your responses!

I loved my experience at Iowa and really wanted to go there and my SO was more than willing to move with me, but I could tell that he knew he'd be screwing his career. And the closer to May 15th we get, the more my gut feeling is telling me that going to NYMC would be the better move for the both of us. I guess my biggest fear was that, since we're not married, things might not work and I would be stuck wondering how things woulda been had I chosen Iowa. Just needa have more faith

Everyone I've talked to has been telling me to choose Iowa (I was really starting to wonder if there was something I wasn't seeing), so I'm glad to hear you guys feel the same as I do.

Edit:

Tell him you want to go to NYMC then (I've been really trying baby, Trying to hold back this feelin' for so long, And if you feel like I feel - baby, Then come on - oh - come on, Whoo - Let's get it on - Ah - Babe - Let's get it on)

LOL :laugh:
 

Porfirio

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I guess my biggest fear was that, since we're not married, things might not work and I would be stuck wondering how things woulda been had I chosen Iowa. Just needa have more faith

Things might not work out for you and he if you went to Iowa or NYC. We will never have an answer to both situations.

All I can say is, if he is willing to move to bumf_ck Iowa and kill his career for you - he is a keeper... and you mean a lot to him.

And no matter what happens... You're still Dr. t0othpick, so look on the bright side.
 

octupus

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Things might not work out for you and he if you went to Iowa or NYC. We will never have an answer to both situations.

All I can say is, if he is willing to move to bumf_ck Iowa and kill his career for you - he is a keeper... and you mean a lot to him.

And no matter what happens... You're still Dr. t0othpick, so look on the bright side.

couldn't agree more with all three points. especially with moving to bumf_ck Iowa for you. good as married.
 

TheMightySmiter

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My relationship with my boyfriend is very important to me, and if I'm accepted at my state school (currently waitlisted), I will stay here no matter where else I am accepted. I'm lucky to have a great state school, but would I change my opinion were I not in a serious relationship? Probably I would. Still, I'll be a physician either way, and I know that my best chance at happiness is to stay where my SO is.

You have to consider what you think will make you happy. Have you and your SO lived away from each other before? Has it worked for you? Have you been in ANY long-distance relationship that worked? If both of you have agreed to move, who will be more miserable--you at NYMC or he in Iowa? Is your top choice med school more important than your relationship altogether?
 

Pretzel12

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I think you should both put your careers first. Even if it means breaking up or being in a long distance relationship. I also wouldn't want to marry someone codependent enough to give up their dreams for me.
 

Bacchus

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If you're going to be engaged/get married then this is a no brainer. If you won't be settling down with this dude, you should follow your [complete] dream.
 
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estradiol9

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It depends on where you are in your relationship. Have you guys discussed your future? If I were in your shoes, I would be very disappointed if I sacrificed my top choice medical school for my relationship only to have my SO walk away from it a few years later. But on the other hand, I do believe there is a certain level of sacrifice required within every relationship.
 

estradiol9

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I think you should both put your careers first. Even if it means breaking up or being in a long distance relationship. I also wouldn't want to marry someone codependent enough to give up their dreams for me.

I don't think this is considered codependency. Everyone has to sacrifice something in order to have a successful long term relationship. If you don't agree, then you obviously have not had one.
 

Mountaineer12

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I think you should both put your careers first. Even if it means breaking up or being in a long distance relationship. I also wouldn't want to marry someone codependent enough to give up their dreams for me.

Perhaps, but either way OP is going to be a doctor and achieve their dreams. In serious relationships you have to give and take and the SO not in med school will need to be very understanding when you start school/residency so being understanding for them and their career now would probably mean a lot to them.
 

Aerus

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I would pick NYMC. You clearly love NYC and your SO is dedicated enough to you to move with you, potentially sacrificing his dream. He's definitely a keeper.

It's all about sacrifice in a relationship. Since you will enjoy NYC, why not go there? The sacrifice in prestige is not great.
 

RedSox10

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I have an SO in finance and only applied to schools in areas where my SO could work, ie major cities. There will be NO jobs at all, ever, in Iowa for your SO, so if you plan on having any sort of relationship with this person after starting medical school you need to go to NYMC. Iowa isn't that good--we're not talking Harvard here, and Med School is not like Business School where it's top 5 or bust.
 

Caprica6

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Have you considered the long distance choice?

I'm on three wait lists and my husband is in the military. None of the three schools are close to where he is stationed. If I end up getting accepted, I will likely be spending all four years in a long distance relationship. Of course we'd rather be together, but sometimes loving each other means making sacrifices for one another's career. It does not mean that you have to break up.
 

RedSox10

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Have you considered the long distance choice?

I'm on three wait lists and my husband is in the military. None of the three schools are close to where he is stationed. If I end up getting accepted, I will likely be spending all four years in a long distance relationship. Of course we'd rather be together, but sometimes loving each other means making sacrifices for one another's career. It does not mean that you have to break up.

The difference is that you don't have a choice and this OP does. NYC is the mecca for finance and the OP has been lucky enough to have been accepted in that area.

In your case, you're 1) married and 2) making the best of your situation. If your husband was stationed in TX and you got into a TX school an hour from his base, but chose another school moderately better but a 5 hour plane ride away would he be happy? Especially since if you are a smart person you can excel at any US MD school.
 

mightymoose02

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A little late on this one but oh well.

A relationship with a long-term partner is one of the most important things in my life. If it is for you, then the decision should be fairly easy. The difference between the two schools you mentioned shouldn't be that large. Again, like someone said above, we are not talking about John Hopkins or Harvard.

The decision between Iowa where there is "nothing" vs. NYC with long-term partner and is vibrant with different cultures... how is this a difficult choice?
 

whatbout2morrow

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Things might not work out for you and he if you went to Iowa or NYC. We will never have an answer to both situations.

All I can say is, if he is willing to move to bumf_ck Iowa and kill his career for you - he is a keeper... and you mean a lot to him.

And no matter what happens... You're still Dr. t0othpick, so look on the bright side.

:thumbup:

If he is willing to choose this relationship over what's best for his career, would it be that unreasonable for you to settle with NYMC over U Iowa?
 

t0othpick

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Hi all,

We have discussed long distance, but it's something neither of us want to do. I did long distance for a year in my previous relationship and everything about it sucked. Since we're at the point where marriage could very much so be the next step, we don't want to spend the next few years apart if we don't absolutely have to (in Caprica's case).

I realize now it should have been a more obvious choice for me. My hesitation stemmed from the fact that 1) I've been pretty wrapped up in the idea of going to Iowa for the past 6 months and my SO was completely supportive of it. 2) He's pretty wishy washy about what he wants to ultimately do, which is part of the reason he was completely willing to go wherever, and 3) the people I've talked to don't really understand my situation and none of them have told me to go to NYMC over Iowa. I guess that's the difference between doing business, law, ph.d, etc where prestige and reputation matter a lot more.

I definitely don't mean to come off as insensitive or unappreciative of what I have. This has been such a long process and my SO has been incredibly supportive, and the decision is much clearer now.

Again, thanks for all your responses! It's nice to hear from people who are in similar positions and who understand this process
 
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