So incensed! How to handle this email? Help!

[DoctorDrewOutsidetheLines]

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Hey Sweet Pea,

I feel so badly that we have not been able to get together. I apologize for my part in not following up. There is no good excuse so I won't offer any. Let's make it happen! Call me and let's set a firm date.....

I have been thinking about you....1) I'm not feeling medical school. Your age, the debt and the return on investment are my reasons. You don't want to spend the rest of your life working that hard. You may at some point want or end up in a relationship, having children or developing another passion. I believe Medical school and the years it would take to get to practice would leave you with a very stressful, unbalanced life. The health care industry has relegated doctors to rank and file employees.

I'm 32. I'm not dead yet. It really angers me that my ex-aunt-in-law (my uncle and her divorced 15 years ago), president or some other high ranking position at a small non-profit, would relegate my life to one of needing a relationship and kids.

2. I do have a contact for you to shadow. I asked my boss and he said he would call a friend of his. I will follow up with him to get her contact info.

My consolation prize after you crush my dreams?! Or your guilty conscience for not meeting up for lunch for months?

3. I got a very strong positive vibe when I read about your EMT experience....I think you should explore that...I'm thinking using that as a launch to a private practice or business of some sort utilizing those or related skills.....these are just gut feelings I'm not familiar with the medical field....we can talk more when I see you.

I just graduated EMT school, what experience? Besides, EMTs just give oxygen, splint injuries and transport old people for less than McDonald's employees' salaries. WTF is she smoking? And if she's "not familiar with the medical field" how can she speak to the "health care industry relegating doctors to rank and file employees?"

Love, Auntie

Why is my family so against me going into medicine? I'm 32, a woman, and URM. No kids.

And very angry right now...

 

[22031 Alum]

Thank her for the email and for being concerned enough about your future to write it. Say that you feel good about what YOU have decided to do and are happy to talk to her more about it if she wants.

 

[Moose A Moose]

People giving advice on medicine that don't work in medicine.

Priceless.

 

[Eccesignum]

Don't waste your energy getting incensed over other people's opinions.

You'll need it for medical school.

 

[MD89]

Ugh. As a late-20s non-trad (single, no kids, like you), I've gotten this a lot. My immediate family is supportive of me but my aunt, neighbor, random person who knows my friend's sister's uncle (lol, you get the point?) all think they have a right to comment on my choice to go to med school. For some of them, I'm like I don't even know you, how do you even know stuff about me...they are just being nosy and annoying. To those people, I'm now tempted to ask about the state of their uterus and how much money they have in their bank accounts- just so that they realize how inappropriate their questions can be.

For others, I know it's actual concern and I don't mind as much. It gets tiresome and I've learned to kind of just nod and say that's a valid point but...and give xyz explanation of why I still think it's the best choice for me.

In my small community where most people I went to high school with have about 3-4 kids already, the most common sentiment I seem to garner is pity. Pity that I don't have a husband/children so that must be why I'm such a career-women. Go figure.

For your ex-aunt, I'd respond and just say thank you so much for your thoughts and concerns, I really would appreciate it if you could get me connected to that Doctor so that I can touch base with him. Use her for what she is - a potential resource- and just ignore the rest.

 

[DoctorDrewOutsidetheLines]

The "you don't want to spend the rest of your life working that hard" comment is priceless.

I don't even know how to process that remark. Um...maybe I do? Maybe that's the whole point of a career, to find something you love so much that it doesn't feel like work?

Who knows, maybe medicine is not for me. Maybe I'll get disillusioned in med school like many. But what if it is my passion?

I find it really unnerving that so many people I know are staunchly against something they really have no exposure to.

 

[22031 Alum]

The "you don't want to spend the rest of your life working that hard" comment is priceless.

I don't even know how to process that remark. Um...maybe I do? Maybe that's the whole point of a career, to find something you love so much that it doesn't feel like work?

Who knows, maybe medicine is not for me. Maybe I'll get disillusioned in med school like many. But what if it is my passion?

I find it really unnerving that so many people I know are staunchly against something they really have no exposure to.

I find it unnerving that you're letting yourself get so bothered by this!! You're starting down a long, long road. You're going to encounter a lot of people doubting your capabilities, for both valid and stupid reasons. The valid criticisms you will need to accept and resolve to fix. The stupid stuff you'll need to ignore. If you let either of them make you start to even entertain the thought of doubting yourself you'll never make it.

 

[DoctorDrewOutsidetheLines]

@22031 Alum you're right, it's just harder when it's family - you know, the people who are supposed to support and encourage you...

 

[MD89]

With family, I have found that those who weren't so supportive initially (i.e. my mom) have become much more so over time. At least with me, once she saw how important it was to me and how much happier I was just even taking the prereqs, she really just realized that it's my life and I have a right to do what I think will make me happy in the long run.

Also, at least with my mom, something that really helped (and I didn't even do this purposely) was that everytime I would shadow or volunteer, I'd come home and tell her something about it that I found interesting or that made a big impression on me. I think initially she thought MEDICAL SCHOOL and just RESIDENCY and once she started seeing the field more through my eyes, she saw how it really is a much better fit for me than is my current career (which I NEVER wanted to talk about after a day at the office, even if it had been a good day).

 

[22031 Alum]

@22031 Alum you're right, it's just harder when it's family - you know, the people who are supposed to support and encourage you...

You have a point, but here's how I feel about it. The support that comes from my family is blind. They love me and think I can do anything even though they don't really have a clue what I'm doing. It's great to feel that love and support but I can't depend on it. The true motivation to do what I do has to come from me.

Any "lack of support" that comes from my family is EQUALLY blind. They love me and are worried about me even though they don't really have a clue what I'm doing. Example- when my parents tried to discourage me from going to an out of state, highly-ranked college, it wasn't because they thought I was stupid. It's because they were worried about a high-pressure, competitive environment and wanted to protect me from that. It's harder to see the love and support in that situation but it's there. You just have to take it for what it's worth and know that ultimately your success depends on you.

The third category is a lack of support that comes from a malicious and hurtful place. Blood relation or not I do not associate with those people, so their opinions are completely irrelevant to my life.

tl;dr - Family is "supposed" to support you but if they're clueless, whether they do or don't doesn't really matter.

 

[Ad2b]

@OP, keep on trucking forward. Never let anyone stop your choices except an adcom and then hopefully, they won't either 🙂

 

[jl lin]

It will always be something with one person or another in your family or outside of it. If it isn't something about how you raise your kids, it's where you and your SO choose to go on vacation, or where you choose to live. It will always be something. Look at the duck and just let this kind of thing slide off of you.

 

[Goro]

Just let it go.

The "you don't want to spend the rest of your life working that hard" comment is priceless.

I don't even know how to process that remark. Um...maybe I do? Maybe that's the whole point of a career, to find something you love so much that it doesn't feel like work?

Who knows, maybe medicine is not for me. Maybe I'll get disillusioned in med school like many. But what if it is my passion?

I find it really unnerving that so many people I know are staunchly against something they really have no exposure to.

 

[DoctorDrewOutsidetheLines]

Yah...I'm over it now. I still haven't a clue how to respond...maybe I'll focus on getting her help with the physician to shadow...Thanks everyone! 🙂

 

[petyr_baelish]

Just let it go.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

OP, I had a pretty similar thing happen to me. I know you feel angry and it's okay. It's rude and presumptuous for people to tell you what to do with your life.
Goro's advice is spot on, but easier said than done. Consider the source. Perhaps this email isn't surprising coming from them. Also consider that they may be genuinely trying to help and they are coming off totally wrong in their attempts to help. Forgive them for that misstep. At the end of the day, you will do what you want and it's best to keep relationships on solid ground. So as much as you may be tempted to set this one straight, don't. Remember, you'll get where you need to go regardless and it's always nice to have family in your corner.

 

[-----MD]

I have had that from the moment it became public that I want to become a doctor.
Try using it as a positive. I think the greatest advantage that us non-trads have is thick skin. We have been out there in the real world, have probably struggled to find a way to pursue our passions and have learned that discipline and dedication is sometimes worth more than motivation.

So take the email and file under "another person who will just have to sit back and watch me succeed" box. For me, that "I'll show them", has sometimes been a necessary tool when the going got tough...

 

[BluMist]

"You can only control what you can control"

Again, I think all the advices here are sound, and you probably know them already. It's infinitely easier to say this as an observer.
Inhale, count to 5, exhale, listen to Frozen...

 

[cabinbuilder]

I remember those days..... I found that when applying to med school for every 1 person who supported you, there are 9 who are against you. I don't know if it's jealousy? Meanness? Misrepresented good intentions? Who knows?

I can't tell you how many "friends" tried to dissuade me, told me I was a bad mother, I was abandoning my kids, blah, blah, blah. Yah, ya. My kids are bright, well travelled, well adjusted, top students who are in college now. I got myself out of poverty and love what I do 95% of the time. I did it for myself and no one else ever had the right to judge me or make comments about me since they don't walk in my shoes.

Do a career that will make YOU happy and excited to go to work everyday. No one can live it but you. No one has the right to decide for you and only you can choose your destiny.

 

[QofQuimica]

"What you do speaks so loudly that I can't hear what you say."
-Variously attibuted to Voltaire, Emerson, and others.

Regardless of who wrote it, they're right. Spend less time saying what you're going to do (or its 21st century equivalents like email), and more time doing it. Then what banalities other people say about what you've done won't seem so important to you.