Some funny medically related jokes?

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bluesTank

bluesTank

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Anyone got any? I heard interviewers sometimes ask for a joke.

I got this cruddy one:

[FONT=Verdana,Arial,sans-serif]A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms) .
[FONT=Verdana,Arial,sans-serif]So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong... "You've got a broken finger!.
 
Use the one from Pulp Fiction. A mom, dad, and baby tomato are walking down the street. The baby starts to lag behind, so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says, "Ketchup."
 
TO: Medical Personnel
FROM: Human Resource

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper". Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".

And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries.

Sincerely,
Directory of Human Resource
 
I love Cyanide & Happiness!

vegas.gif
 
What do you give someone who has everything?








Antibiotics!
 
Two medical students are sitting eating at a restaurant. They both look up and an elderly man walk into the store and be seated. They both notice his pecular gait: he bends his knees, externally rotates his feet and holds his thighs together, and walks in a shambling gait.

The first medical student says: "Look at that, a textbook case of Fulloni's syndrome"

The second student says "You're way off, that's Barshen's syndrome if I've ever seen it"

The two students argue about what is the pathology that causes the man unusual walk for so long they realize the only way to get an answer it to ask the man himself. So they walk up to the man and say:

"Sir, we're medical students. This may seem odd, but we were discussing what causes you to walk that way. I think it's Fulloni's syndrome"

The old man shakes his head: "You thought that, but you were wrong"

The second student says: "And I think it's Barshen's syndrome"

The old man shakes his head: "You thought that, but you were wrong"

The students look surprised and both ask the man: "So...what causes you to walk that way?"

The old man sighs: "I thought it was gas, but I was wrong."
 
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
 
Auron said:
TO: Medical Personnel
FROM: Human Resource

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper". Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".

And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries.

Sincerely,
Directory of Human Resource
Click to expand...


As messed up as this is, a lot of these acronyms and more (GOMER, FLK, etc) are, or were, regularly used by physicians. Most were smart enough not to put them into patients charts though. I have seen CTD in a chart; I'm pretty sure the author got yelled at for that.
 
Okay, here was my nerdy interview joke:

A group of epidemiologists and a group of biostatisticians are going to the same conference. The epidemiologists arrive at the train station after the biostatisticians and notice that they only buy one ticket. The epidemiologists are curious, but each buys a ticket and they decide to observe the biostatisticians.

When the conductor comes around to collect the tickets, all the biostatisticians get up and squeeze themselves in the bathroom. The conductor comes by, knocks, and a hand produces the ticket, which he stamps.

So the epidemiologists think this is a pretty clever ploy and decide to try it on the way home. They buy one ticket, but then they notice that the biostatisticians aren't buying any tickets at all! Once again, they are perplexed and wait to see what will transpire.

This time when the conductor comes around, the epidemiologists squeeze into the bathroom. They hear a knock on the door and stick out the ticket, which is promptly snatched away by the biostatisticians, who proceed to the other bathroom.

Moral of the story: the Results don't mean much unless you know the Methods.


From the mouth of my biostatistican PI 🙂
 
ltrain said:
Okay, here was my nerdy interview joke:

A group of epidemiologists and a group of biostatisticians are going to the same conference. The epidemiologists arrive at the train station after the biostatisticians and notice that they only buy one ticket. The epidemiologists are curious, but each buys a ticket and they decide to observe the biostatisticians.

When the conductor comes around to collect the tickets, all the biostatisticians get up and squeeze themselves in the bathroom. The conductor comes by, knocks, and a hand produces the ticket, which he stamps.

So the epidemiologists think this is a pretty clever ploy and decide to try it on the way home. They buy one ticket, but then they notice that the biostatisticians aren't buying any tickets at all! Once again, they are perplexed and wait to see what will transpire.

This time when the conductor comes around, the epidemiologists squeeze into the bathroom. They hear a knock on the door and stick out the ticket, which is promptly snatched away by the biostatisticians, who proceed to the other bathroom.

Moral of the story: the Results don't mean much unless you know the Methods.


From the mouth of my biostatistican PI 🙂
Click to expand...


Good one
 
[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZF31Q9eN38E[/YOUTUBE]
 
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"
Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
"You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them."
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!! FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
 
bluesTank said:
Anyone got any? I heard interviewers sometimes ask for a joke.

I got this cruddy one:

[FONT=Verdana,Arial,sans-serif]A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms) .
[FONT=Verdana,Arial,sans-serif]So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong... "You've got a broken finger!.
Click to expand...
How can a finger point to the arm it's attached to?
 
bigDee said:
How can a finger point to the arm it's attached to?
Click to expand...
A broken wrist?


Also, I love Cyanide and Happiness as well. I never realized how many doctor-comics there were.
 
But his finger was broke, not his wrist.

Anyway, I realize it's just a joke so I don't care lol
 
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
 
iwanttobedoc43 said:
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Click to expand...

Owned.
 
iwanttobedoc43 said:
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Click to expand...
OMG sick and hilarious. Hahaha
 
iwanttobedoc43 said:
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Click to expand...



:laugh::laugh::laugh:
👍
 
Auron said:
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
...
Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie. ...
Click to expand...

I'm not sure this belongs in the list. When you get to rotations, you will see that the younger residents frequently have to describe the instrument they want rather than by name. ie. "you know... that bendable retractor with the long flat head". "the long tweezers without the teeth" etc. 🙂
 
Law2Doc said:
I'm not sure this belongs in the list. When you get to rotations, you will see that the younger residents frequently have to describe the instrument they want rather than by name. ie. "you know... that bendable retractor with the long flat head". "the long tweezers without the teeth" etc. 🙂
Click to expand...

Thingie =/= "you know... that bendable retractor with the long flat head". "the long tweezers without the teeth"

😉
 
Everyone is telling jokes they have heard someone else tell...well I actually made my own joke and I was wondering what you guys think of it. So here it is:

A guy goes to a med school interview and the interviewer(s) asks him to tell a funny joke. The only one off the top of his head is extremely inappropriate, but in hopes of not offending the interviewer(s) by declining to produce a joke, he tells it anyway. The interviewer(s) seem very insulted and the day ends on a sour note. One month later the guy is at his home filling out secondary applications when the phone rings. It's the dean of the med school calling to tell him that he has been accepted. He asks why he has been accepted since his interview had gone so poorly, and surely he had offended his interviewers. The Dean replies by telling him that in reality your interview determines nothing about your acceptance to medical school. In fact nothing that you think bares any weight on your acceptance actually does. Not your GPA, MCAT, LOR, EC, or research! The guy asks, "Then what does determine your acceptance to med school?" The Dean simply replies, "You've got great health insurance." :laugh::laugh::laugh:



I think it's pretty funny. And if you didn't get the punch line it eludes to the stereotype that all the medical community cares about is how good your health insurance is.
 
Its kind of funny, but if you're med school doesn't like your insurance you can always buy theres. Sorry to throw that wrench in. And, when you get to residency, from what I have seen, insurance is included. I think until the punchline its good, but maybe a punchline like, "it seems your name is on a future building thanks to pop" would be a tad bit better, but not stupendous.
 
There is no funny medically related jokes possible without an appropriate smiley. This is especially true in some doctor network forum. 😱
 
Auron said:
TO: Medical Personnel
FROM: Human Resource

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper". Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".

And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries.

Sincerely,
Directory of Human Resource
Click to expand...

remember to add PID does not equal "kitty in distress"
 
mirakate said:
Thingie =/= "you know... that bendable retractor with the long flat head". "the long tweezers without the teeth"

😉
Click to expand...

Yeah, but you will hear enough variations on what I have written that "thingie" and "gizmo" and "contraption" are going to creep in eventually. In the intensity of surgery not everyone is going to always remember the proper names of all those pieces of equipment, particularly in the early years. 🙂
 
Law2Doc said:
Yeah, but you will hear enough variations on what I have written that "thingie" and "gizmo" and "contraption" are going to creep in eventually. In the intensity of surgery not everyone is going to always remember the proper names of all those pieces of equipment, particularly in the early years. 🙂
Click to expand...
I think I'm going to refer to everything as "that whatzit". 😀
 
A patient goest to a hospital and requests to see a doctor who specialized in both the eyes and the ears. The nurse explained to him that he could only see a doctor who specialized in the eye OR one who specialized in the ear. He still demaned for one who specialized in both. The nurse then asked his reason why, and he stated:
"I keep hearing one thing and seeing something else."
 
This joke is not medically related at all...but its so random that I wanted to share it.

- What's green, has four legs, and if it falls from a tree will kill you?

- A pool table.
 
iwanttobedoc43 said:
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Click to expand...

Sorry to bump such an old thread but this was funny. Also, I know people can use some laughs during this stressful application cycle. Some new jokes are also welcomed!!
 
How does herpes leave the hospital??................................................on crotches

lol
 
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