Spouse decided she won't follow me

[UTsksk]

I guess this is more of venting, but I'd like the opinions of others as well.

First off, my fiance is very supportive of me pursuing medical school. She even let me leave our hometown to get a masters to increase my chances of staying in TX. My initial plan was apply to all TX schools and OOS DO schools.

Last week we were speaking on the phone and told me that she didn't want me to apply out of state because she wants me to stay in TX. However, if I do happen to stay in state, she said she won't follow me to school because she doesn't believe I'm a good enough support system for her and our 5 year old daughter. She's afraid of not finding another job even though she's a RN. I think she just wants her family around, even though it's my family that helps more. Plus, she's afraid of scheduling conflicts.

I'm not sure how I should feel because I do want to stay instate for many reasons, but not sure how to react if my fiance and daughter can't be with me. Being away from them already has messed with me emotionally (thank god not academically). I'll lie in bed at night alone and sad due to missing my girls. This has actually caused some sleep issues.

She also threw in the notion that if I skip this cycle and finish the program, I can get a teaching job back home and save up for the wedding. It's kind of sad that I'm the one that has always been pushing to get married since we've been together for 6 years. Of course, my parents keep telling me that if she loves me, she'll follow me. Plus, I feel a little pressure to start med school already since I'm 25 and just want to move on with my life.

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[Shjanzey]

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[UTsksk]

I think I secretly want to miss this cycle and finish off my masters with a strong GPA. Retake the mcat and reapply next cycle while teaching to pay the bills and be with my daughter. All in the hope of getting into the closest med school, which is 4 hours away.

Of course, if I get in this cycle, it'll be very hard to look the other way.

Hopefully things work out for you and your wife too shjanzey. Communication is key to make it work even if it's long distance.

 

[docelh]

That's terrible. PM me if you want my thoughts.

 

[IlDestriero]

I guess this is more of venting, but I'd like the opinions of others as well.

First off, my fiance is very supportive of me pursuing medical school. She even let me leave our hometown to get a masters to increase my chances of staying in TX. My initial plan was apply to all TX schools and OOS DO schools.

Last week we were speaking on the phone and told me that she didn't want me to apply out of state because she wants me to stay in TX. However, if I do happen to stay in state, she said she won't follow me to school because she doesn't believe I'm a good enough support system for her and our 5 year old daughter. She's afraid of not finding another job even though she's a RN. I think she just wants her family around, even though it's my family that helps more. Plus, she's afraid of scheduling conflicts.

I'm not sure how I should feel because I do want to stay instate for many reasons, but not sure how to react if my fiance and daughter can't be with me. Being away from them already has messed with me emotionally (thank god not academically). I'll lie in bed at night alone and sad due to missing my girls. This has actually caused some sleep issues.

She also threw in the notion that if I skip this cycle and finish the program, I can get a teaching job back home and save up for the wedding. It's kind of sad that I'm the one that has always been pushing to get married since we've been together for 6 years. Of course, my parents keep telling me that if she loves me, she'll follow me. Plus, I feel a little pressure to start med school already since I'm 25 and just want to move on with my life.

Marrying a physician comes with a real set of problems. School, internship, residency, call, late nights, emergencies, etc. That's coming down the line, and you DON'T have control of these things. Though some can be predicted and planned for. If she's not supportive of your moving FOR SCHOOL that will literally set you up for a life of success, you're in a BAD place.
You really need to reeval your situation and her true commitment to a life long relationship with a physician spouse.
Divorce will cost you at least a million dollars, at least, and destroy what you work a decade to secure. I've seen it too many times.
What happens when you don't match at the local residency? She's going to just live apart for another 3-7 years?
I would not get married. At all. It will likely end badly if her answer is she's not moving. What if you can't score a local job? Of course it won't matter, you'll be divorced by then.
Sorry to be so negative, but that's how I see it. Successful marriage requires compromise and sacrifice.
What you wrote suggests she is not at all supportive of the 7-11 year commitment involved in a career in medicine. What's next? You can't go to MGH or Penn or Stanford for residency or fellowship because her family and Texas are too important. You can't sacrifice your education and training. It sets the foundation for the next 40 years.
My wife didn't want to bounce around multiple times, make friends only to lose them, change jobs, etc. Who does? But she did, because she understood why she was doing it and what marrying a physician entails. Now she has a great stable career enhancing job, the big house, vacations, stability, happy kids, etc. It was worth it.
Ask any physician why his non physician wife has the big show stopper jewels and a Mercedes. She earned it. Delayed gratification works both ways.
And if you think you have it bad, two physician families have a lot more problems. As a nurse, she can work anywhere. Does it suck to bounce around a few times and maybe miss out on early promotion, etc? Of course, but you do it for the family.

 

[TheWeeIceMan]

I can't really put it any better than IIDestriero just did, but I just wanted to point out that 25 is still very young. Don't make any quick decisions because you think you are running out of time.

Good luck with figuring everything out. I'm sure it sucks, but it's better to lay all of the cards on the table before making a huge decision like this.

 

[cabinbuilder]

Do not get married. I learned that the hard way.
Go to school for yourself, not for her.
Sounds like she is very manipulative and controlling
An RN degree can get work just about anywhere so that argument doesn't fly.

 

[primadonna22274]

I've been through this as the wife who went away to med school. My husband wouldn't move. He's a teacher and didn't find a job where I went to school. In truth he didn't try to find a job there.
Now I'm back home for my final year and he brings up he won't move for residency. Not sure why this surprised me. I'm over it and decided I'm going where I match but the relationship has definitely changed the past several years.
Major difference is we don't have kids. I think that would be a real game-changer. I know what a rough situation you are in and I wish you the best.

 

[Yossarian Lives]

-snip-

IIDestriero speaks some hard truths about marriage in general. Marriage (with a physician or otherwise) is all about the give and take. If she can't support you now, it will only get harder. I don't have kids which I'm sure makes everything harder as well. Best of luck, that's a hard position to be in.

 

[Elewynne]

I agree with the previous posts. You probably won't agree or like to hear it, but you're so young. Having a child together makes marriage very complicated, but long story short, being married or "together" doesn't automatically equal a healthy family life for a child.

If she doesn't like your life goal, or tries to sabotage it, what does that say about how she feels about you?

 

[QofQuimica]

OP, you can have a career as a physician, or you can have this woman as your wife, but you can't have both. Take your pick.

 

[UTsksk]

Thanks all. What makes it so hard is having my daughter and I really don't want to lose her. If we didn't have a child, I wouldn't put much thought into it what my fiance wants, but since we do, things are much more complicated.

The sad part is that I want to move and live in different states, but she doesn't want to leave her bubble. I guess I'm in for more long talks trying to convince her and see where it goes.

 

[TriagePreMed]

Do not get married. I learned that the hard way.
Go to school for yourself, not for her.
Sounds like she is very manipulative and controlling
An RN degree can get work just about anywhere so that argument doesn't fly.

Calling her manipulative and controlling is kind of heavy. I think people's ideas of how things are change over time and with experience. She may have wanted to support him on this adventure, but after a year where they are separated, can you really blame her for starting to see a different side to what she thought it would be?

OP, I agree that you need to decide if you want the wife or you want medical school. You're 25. You're still a kid. I'm going to be 30 when I start if I get in this coming cycle. I don't feel old or wary. Consider your options and see if medicine is the only thing that you think is right for you. For the right woman and family, I would be willing to reconsider career options.

 

[Law2Doc]

... I don't have kids which I'm sure makes everything harder as well....

I think this is the big part of the equation that all you guys saying "you're young don't rush into marriage" are kind of glossing over. This guy is going to be involved with this woman for the rest of his life. He's going to want her to be within driving distance throughout his school and training because he's going to want to see his kid. And he's going to be supporting her and the child until the kid is an adult, so those "millions" he would lose in a divorce are already going to her bank account whether it's called alimony or support. So he's already out the money and stuck staying near where she wants to live (in order to see his kid regularly) whether they get married or not. I think that simplifies things considerably.

 

[Esquire]

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[cabinbuilder]

Calling her manipulative and controlling is kind of heavy. I think people's ideas of how things are change over time and with experience. She may have wanted to support him on this adventure, but after a year where they are separated, can you really blame her for starting to see a different side to what she thought it would be?

OP, I agree that you need to decide if you want the wife or you want medical school. You're 25. You're still a kid. I'm going to be 30 when I start if I get in this coming cycle. I don't feel old or wary. Consider your options and see if medicine is the only thing that you think is right for you. For the right woman and family, I would be willing to reconsider career options.

As a woman, I call it like I see it. She is trying to control his future. My opinion is my own.

 

[Goro]

You need some couples counseling; a lot more than you can get on an anonymous message board.

But my own two cents is that once you become a parent, it's NOT about you anymore. Your family comes first.

I guess this is more of venting, but I'd like the opinions of others as well.

First off, my fiance is very supportive of me pursuing medical school. She even let me leave our hometown to get a masters to increase my chances of staying in TX. My initial plan was apply to all TX schools and OOS DO schools.

Last week we were speaking on the phone and told me that she didn't want me to apply out of state because she wants me to stay in TX. However, if I do happen to stay in state, she said she won't follow me to school because she doesn't believe I'm a good enough support system for her and our 5 year old daughter. She's afraid of not finding another job even though she's a RN. I think she just wants her family around, even though it's my family that helps more. Plus, she's afraid of scheduling conflicts.

I'm not sure how I should feel because I do want to stay instate for many reasons, but not sure how to react if my fiance and daughter can't be with me. Being away from them already has messed with me emotionally (thank god not academically). I'll lie in bed at night alone and sad due to missing my girls. This has actually caused some sleep issues.

She also threw in the notion that if I skip this cycle and finish the program, I can get a teaching job back home and save up for the wedding. It's kind of sad that I'm the one that has always been pushing to get married since we've been together for 6 years. Of course, my parents keep telling me that if she loves me, she'll follow me. Plus, I feel a little pressure to start med school already since I'm 25 and just want to move on with my life.

 

[UTsksk]

You need some couples counseling; a lot more than you can get on an anonymous message board.

But my own two cents is that once you become a parent, it's NOT about you anymore. Your family comes first.

My family actually wants us to go to counseling. I think I'm going to just keep trying for Texas with the hope that I can be as close as possible for my daughter. When the time for residency comes, I'll just deal with it.

My daughter is definitely mine. Hah people question if my fiance is the mom since she looks nothing like her and just like my side of the family.

 

[Law2Doc]

...
I can't envision what this will lead to in the future except legal fees, ..., child support, ... Family court is gonna ream him. At least lube up by not having to pay alimony from a doctor's income (assuming he gets there) and getting a good custody lawyer to fight for his daughter. As it stands, she practically has full custody.

that's my point -- the daughter exists -- support is already a sunk cost. He's not getting sole custody unless the woman is unfit and that doesn't seem to be part of this story. So the suggestion that divorce is going to cost him millions misses the point that much of that yet to be earned money is going to her bank account whether it's labeled alimony or support or marital income. As I mentioned this simplifies the analysis considerably.

 

[MedSchoolMama]

Do you love your spouse? This may sound like a rude question, but really really think about it. Think about how much you love her and what you are willing to do for both her and your daughter. Are you willing to be separated from your daughter?

I believe that marriage requires good communication. Discussion, compromise and cooperation are vital to a solid relationship. Is it possible that she is just worried? Is it possible that she really wants you to focus on the TX schools but when faced with no other choice would still follow you?

I think the person who you most need to speak with about this matter is your significant other. More discussion needs to be had.

I am sorry that you are going through this stressful time. Good luck.

 

[IlDestriero]

that's my point -- the daughter exists -- support is already a sunk cost. He's not getting sole custody unless the woman is unfit and that doesn't seem to be part of this story. So the suggestion that divorce is going to cost him millions misses the point that much of that yet to be earned money is going to her bank account whether it's labeled alimony or support or marital income. As I mentioned this simplifies the analysis considerably.

No. No. No.
He has a child, he will be financially responsible for him/her but a divorce many years from now when they both wake up and realize what a stupid decision it was will cost far more.
Simple is don't get hitched at all.

 

[KGflyboy]

Your wife is more committed to her surroundings than she is to you. I second the recommendation for counseling. I think it is very likely she is not going to be the wife you want now or ever. If she won't sacrifice for you now, don't kid yourself into thinking she will suddenly care more about your goals once you are married.

The problem is that regardless of whether you get married or not, you are going to miss out on a lot of time with your daughter if you move out of state. I feel for you. I know this is a crappy situation with lots of potential bad outcomes. I think your relationship with the fiance is toast (just a hunch), so I would focus on how to best maintain a relationship with your daughter.

When I applied, I only applied to 3 schools, all of which were within 2 hours. I could have broadened my search, but the family was more important to me. Granted, my situation was different t because I was already marries and therefore would not have simply left without my family if she didn't want to go with me. If she had pulled what your wife is doing, u would have found another career. Since you aren't married yet, I wouldn't worry as much about pleasing her and do what you think is best for your kid first, you second, and then your fiance.

 

[IlDestriero]

that's my point -- the daughter exists -- support is already a sunk cost. He's not getting sole custody unless the woman is unfit and that doesn't seem to be part of this story. So the suggestion that divorce is going to cost him millions misses the point that much of that yet to be earned money is going to her bank account whether it's labeled alimony or support or marital income. As I mentioned this simplifies the analysis considerably.

No. No. No.
He has a child, he will be financially responsible for him/her but a divorce many years from now when they both wake up and realize what a stupid decision it was will cost far more.
Simple is don't get hitched at all.

 

[cabinbuilder]

No. No. No.
He has a child, he will be financially responsible for him/her but a divorce many years from now when they both wake up and realize what a stupid decision it was will cost far more.
Simple is don't get hitched at all.

THIS: you will be more financially responsible if you become a doctor and can take care of her how you want to, not scraping by making $8/hr at McDonald's. Don't get married, see your child on breaks, be the doctor you want to be, then have the income to do what you want to with her.

 

[KGflyboy]

Do you have kids? Most people that have kids think they are more important than a career. I would happily give up medicine if it meant the difference between living near my kids or across the country. If the OP does his own thing and goes to med school, he will likely not live in the same area as his daughter for at least 9 years from now... If ever.

 

[Shjanzey]

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[ChE04]

I am giving you 1/10 for lack of effort. Read the thread before responding.

I thought it was pretty obvious he was replying to cabinbuilder, especially based on his previous post in this same thread.

 

[Shjanzey]

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[cabinbuilder]

Do you have kids? Most people that have kids think they are more important than a career. I would happily give up medicine if it meant the difference between living near my kids or across the country. If the OP does his own thing and goes to med school, he will likely not live in the same area as his daughter for at least 9 years from now... If ever.

Yes, I have kids - 2- and I am the mother who moved away from the father to pursue medicine (he left me). I agree this is a little bit different situation but I wanted more from my kids other than struggling to make ends meet every day. Had I been forced to move away to be a doctor then I would have done it to give a better life for my children. With that said, I have made a point to send my kids twice a year for their full school breaks to their dads so they would know himm. Even now, I travel for work and my kids don't travel with me during the school year - that is their choice to stay put for stability and I respect their decision and they respect mine for being a travelling physician to provide a certain level of comfort that I felt they deserved that I never had growing up.

 

[KGflyboy]

Yes, I have kids - 2- and I am the mother who moved away from the father to pursue medicine (he left me). I agree this is a little bit different situation but I wanted more from my kids other than struggling to make ends meet every day. Had I been forced to move way to be a doctor then I would have done it to give a better life for my children. With that said, I have made a point to send my kids twice a year for their full school breaks to their dads so they would know them. Even now, I travel for work and my kids don't travel with me during the school year - that is their choice to stay put for stability and I respect their decision and they respect mine for being a travelling physician to provide a certain level of comfort that I felt they deserved that I never had growing up.

I guess everyone is different. I don't think kids care how the ends are meeting as there is astable home with food on the table. We could all find other ways to provide for our families, if that became necessary to keep the family together. It's a tough choice, and the right answer for me is obviously not the right answer for everyone.

I have no doubt you are probably a great mom, and there is no way for me to know what is best for anyone else's family. My opinion for people in this situation, having been there before, is based on my feeling that being with your kids trumps the desire for a specific career. I would do anything to be with my family, even if it meant being something other than a doc. Fortunately, my wife has accepted the challenges we all face and will move when necessary. If that wasn't the case, I would have spent more time strengthening our relationship and trying to gain her support. I would never move away without my family. So far we have been lucky and have not had to move. If possible, I will do residency here too (even if a better program is available far away) because keeping my family happy and close is priority number 1.

 

[jl lin]

I think this is the big part of the equation that all you guys saying "you're young don't rush into marriage" are kind of glossing over. This guy is going to be involved with this woman for the rest of his life. He's going to want her to be within driving distance throughout his school and training because he's going to want to see his kid. And he's going to be supporting her and the child until the kid is an adult, so those "millions" he would lose in a divorce are already going to her bank account whether it's called alimony or support. So he's already out the money and stuck staying near where she wants to live (in order to see his kid regularly) whether they get married or not. I think that simplifies things considerably.

ITA. It's the reality.

It is also telling, at least to me, that the person says they wouldn't put much thought into what they other person wanted if it were not for the child. Yea, no that doesn't sound like a lifetime partnership to me. Just my opinion.

 

[jl lin]

An RN degree can get work just about anywhere so that argument doesn't fly.

You might be surprised how many new grad nurses are not getting jobs in many areas. It's not like it used to be.

 

[cabinbuilder]

You might be surprised how many new grad nurses are not getting jobs in many areas. It's not like it used to be.

I agree this is true for many new grads, but I didn't get that gist from the OP's post. Seasoned nurses generally can get hospital jobs. It's those who have never worked hospital and are only clinic nurses who have a lot of issues with the job hunt.

 

[cabinbuilder]

I guess everyone is different. I don't think kids care how the ends are meeting as there is astable home with food on the table. We could all find other ways to provide for our families, if that became necessary to keep the family together. It's a tough choice, and the right answer for me is obviously not the right answer for everyone.

I have no doubt you are probably a great mom, and there is no way for me to know what is best for anyone else's family. My opinion for people in this situation, having been there before, is based on my feeling that being with your kids trumps the desire for a specific career. I would do anything to be with my family, even if it meant being something other than a doc. Fortunately, my wife has accepted the challenges we all face and will move when necessary. If that wasn't the case, I would have spent more time strengthening our relationship and trying to gain her support. I would never move away without my family. So far we have been lucky and have not had to move. If possible, I will do residency here too (even if a better program is available far away) because keeping my family happy and close is priority number 1.

There is no question that I am a GREAT mom. My kids were with me all through medical school and all through residency. It is after residency that circumstances dictated that I become a travelling provider. My husband stays home with them full time andhas for the past 5 years. I have well travelled, grounded, grown up children whom I have allowed to make the decision whether they want to be stable during high school years or go on correspondence school and travel with me. They have chosen to stay home with my husband and I dictate my work time to be home with them during large breaks and for their school breaks. OR in the summer they go where I am for work. My family IS HAPPY and this arrangement works for us. I did the family thing with just scraping by and keeping food on the table. I got sick of it and wanted more for us. So when my first husband left me with a newborn and a toddler my priorities changed as he didn't believe in the dream. So when he left there just wasn't any other route I could see myself doing.

I don't see my situation and different from a military person who is deployed, a truck driver, an airline pilot, a flight attendant, etc. I did the every day at home mom thing and I didn't like it and my kids didn't like it. I'm just not one of those who was meant to be at home everyday. We all agree that a little distance goes a long way. Now that my kids are teens 15 and 18, it's not that crucial for me to be there when my husband is a stay at home parent.

 

[futuremddo]

It's a rough situation. I would much rather not be a mom at all than not be able to see my kids each day for an adequate amount of time, which is saying something as I REALLY want to have kids. My two deepest desires -- to become a doctor and to be a mom -- seem to be incompatible. And I'm not sure I'll ever find a way to reconcile them.

I know other people come to different conclusions about what's right for their family, cabinbuilder being the prime example of this, but for me, being with my kids each day is the ultimate non-negotiable.

So OP, while we're good for taking an objective look at the overall situation, I'm not sure any of us can provide advice meaningful to you. Because only you know how you can envision your relationship with your daughter, which I'm assuming is your priority. I have to agree with Goro that you need much more help than any well-intentioned message board can provide.

 

[eablackwell]

My two deepest desires -- to become a doctor and to be a mom -- seem to be incompatible. And I'm not sure I'll ever find a way to reconcile them.

This is a rather naive statement.

I am a 3rd year medical student, and I have/will see my 8-month-old son every day (with the exception of when I am on call for trauma or obgyn). I'm even floating the idea of trying for a second child next year. I have my priorities, and because I would like to see my family during residency, there are certain programs (like gen surg) that I have made the choice not to pursue.

You just need a strong support system, which is the real issue for the OP. The only reason he is having to choose between his career and his daughter is because his future wife is using her as leverage against him. She might not come right out and say that's what she's doing, but unless she's daft, she knows.

As far as a previous poster's position as a traveling physician, that's not the case for everyone, and it seems that her children are at an appropriate age, are clearly mature enough and in a stable household of their choosing.

 

[futuremddo]

Sorry, should have clarified that I meant "to be a doctor and be the mom I want to be" rather than just "be a mom." I know it's possible to do both, but not to do both the way I want. Either my career will suffer or I won't be the mom I want to be; it's as simple as that.

Like I said, I honestly don't make any judgements on people who choose differently (either to end their career in order to be a full-time parent or to pursue a full-time career that prevents them from seeing their kids often) because every family is unique and I'm sure everyone chooses what's best for their situation, but for mine, I'm 100% certain that I can't be the doctor I want to be and the mom I want to be.

The reason you need the support system is because there's a heck of a lot of time as a med student and doctor that you can't be with your kid, and that's not what I want. "Seeing my kid" each day isn't enough for me, and I would rather not have kids than only get to see them for a few hours each day. That isn't naive at all; that's my personal preference.

 

[IlDestriero]

"Seeing my kid" each day isn't enough for me, and I would rather not have kids than only get to see them for a few hours each day. That isn't naive at all; that's my personal preference.

1. If you really believe the above, medicine, or any remotely demanding career at all is out of the question. Unless you're planning to leave the workforce and try to return a decade or so later. That won't work well in a medical field.
2. Once they're in school, a couple hours a day is all you get anyway. School, clubs, teams, homework, friends. They're never home. You could home school I guess.😱
3. My wife saw the writing on the wall when her company was struggling and left her job to be a stay at home mom for a while. It lasted less than 3 months. She has a doctorate degree and more than a decade of industry experience. She was uncomfortable giving all that up. So much so that within 3 months she had 3 part time consulting jobs going and leads on several new full time jobs.

 

[cabinbuilder]

2. Once they're in school, a couple hours a day is all you get anyway. School, clubs, teams, homework, friends. They're never home. You could home school I guess.😱
.

How true this is!!! I took the whole month of April off this year. Saw my kids maybe 2 hours in the evening and most of that was for dinner.

Here's an example of what I mean about getting to do things otherwise you couldn't without a good income. I have vacation ownership so pretty much have housing anywhere in the world I want to go. This past summer was the last summer my son will be home. I scheduled a 7 week vacation with them:

2 weeks in Orlando - did all the theme parks
2 weeks in St. Maarten relaxing on the beach at the resort
5 day cruise to the Bahamas - the most fun ever
1 week in Virginia: Monticello, Jamestown, Yorktown, Williamsburg. Visited friends
1 week in DC - hit all the monuments and museums. Great food. Taught them some history.

Had a great time. Spent a lot of money, Ran up all my credit cards. Don't care because we spent quality time together as a family when we all had time to enjoy eachother. Came back to work and paid it off in a month. This is why locums works well for us. I can schedule time off when it suits me so I'm home when the kids are home.

 

[futuremddo]

Right; that's why I say I'm on a collision course! At some point my two dreams will collide. I know I want to have my cake and eat it too! 🙂 I know about school, but I want to be there when they get home. I want to be able to be able to pick them up from soccer practice, go to the 4pm JV soccer games, etc.

It might help to know my personal background, in a nutshell: My mom (a very accomplished PhD) decided to quit her job to stay home with us kids. My dad still worked, and I saw him an hour or so each day, a bit more on weekends. They both are wonderful people, and I love them both very dearly, and they love me very dearly. But there's some intangible in my relationship with my mom that my dad doesn't even know he's missing. He thinks he has a great relationship with me, and he definitely does. The intangible is the result of the hours and hours she put in with us, which is just something that my dad didn't do. Knowing this, I don't want to do what my dad did. We had what we needed -- shelter, clothes, food -- though with only one parent working we didn't get to go on so many vacations. But the moments I cherish from my childhood aren't from those vacations we went on; they're from our daily walks home from elementary school with my mom and siblings at 3pm. They're the spontaneous snow day adventures. The vacations were fun for me, but the experiences that shaped me as a person came elsewhere.

Now that I'm an adult and can have honest conversations with my parents about these topics, I ask my mom about her decision to leave a very promising career (she had her Ivy PhD at age 24 and was pretty much at the top of her field) for us kids, and she says she doesn't regret it for a moment. She was unsure when she made the decision, but after having raised us she can't imagine doing it any other way. Which is pretty powerful for me.

Anyway, that's where I come from on this, and that's why I know I have a difficult road ahead of me.

I really don't want to make it seem like I'm denigrating anyone else's decision, because I'm not. I thought it might be worth it for me to share just because I feel as though there's a lot of societal pressure on successful women not to give up a career for kids (you should hear how the post-docs where I work cruelly ridicule stay-at-home moms). But I think, as with most things, it needs to be recognized that there are valid advantages and disadvantages to each option, and nobody should be judged for their choice, because they're making the best one they can. (Not that anyone's judging me here; just in general!)

And now we're so far off the OP's topic! Sorry, OP.

 

[cabinbuilder]

Right; that's why I say I'm on a collision course! At some point my two dreams will collide. I know I want to have my cake and eat it too! 🙂 I know about school, but I want to be there when they get home. I want to be able to be able to pick them up from soccer practice, go to the 4pm JV soccer games, etc.

It might help to know my personal background, in a nutshell: My mom (a very accomplished PhD) decided to quit her job to stay home with us kids. My dad still worked, and I saw him an hour or so each day, a bit more on weekends. They both are wonderful people, and I love them both very dearly, and they love me very dearly. But there's some intangible in my relationship with my mom that my dad doesn't even know he's missing. He thinks he has a great relationship with me, and he definitely does. The intangible is the result of the hours and hours she put in with us, which is just something that my dad didn't do. Knowing this, I don't want to do what my dad did. We had what we needed -- shelter, clothes, food -- though with only one parent working we didn't get to go on so many vacations. But the moments I cherish from my childhood aren't from those vacations we went on; they're from our daily walks home from elementary school with my mom and siblings at 3pm. They're the spontaneous snow day adventures. The vacations were fun for me, but the experiences that shaped me as a person came elsewhere.

Now that I'm an adult and can have honest conversations with my parents about these topics, I ask my mom about her decision to leave a very promising career (she had her Ivy PhD at age 24 and was pretty much at the top of her field) for us kids, and she says she doesn't regret it for a moment. She was unsure when she made the decision, but after having raised us she can't imagine doing it any other way. Which is pretty powerful for me.

Anyway, that's where I come from on this, and that's why I know I have a difficult road ahead of me.

I really don't want to make it seem like I'm denigrating anyone else's decision, because I'm not. I thought it might be worth it for me to share just because I feel as though there's a lot of societal pressure on successful women not to give up a career for kids (you should hear how the post-docs where I work cruelly ridicule stay-at-home moms). But I think, as with most things, it needs to be recognized that there are valid advantages and disadvantages to each option, and nobody should be judged for their choice, because they're making the best one they can. (Not that anyone's judging me here; just in general!)

And now we're so far off the OP's topic! Sorry, OP.

I did not take your comments in a bad way. Reading your post, my position is the same as your dad's was in your life right now. With my own kids I was home with them every day during the early years and am glad that I was but now they are involved with their lives I don't really need to be there all the time. They have a stay at home parent who does the day to day with them, it's just not me. I'm not one of those who can stay at home all the time and when I am home for a few weeks my kids will tell me straight out that I need to go back to work because we start getting on eachother's nerves. I understand that is my personality and I don't take offense to that. In the end someone has to go to work and be the breadwinner. In my case it happens to be me - the mom.

 

[futuremddo]

And I'm so glad we live in a time when families can choose for themselves whether the mom or dad will be the breadwinner 🙂

 

[mspeedwagon]

My mother gave up a dream to raise kids. DON'T DO IT! I still hear no end to it and I'd rather she followed her dreams. Once kids are of school age, they practically raise themselves. Most of the time goes to school, homework and activities. I'd rather my mom have moved cross country chasing a dream than use "the kids" as an excuse not to. You can always schedule time to see your kid and have quality them that they'll appreciate more.

Also, do not get married. A woman who won't follow you out of state and allow you to live your dream is not worth it. Don't wait till your income is high and realize you are then stuck with someone you resent because she put up so many barriers that stopped you from succeeding in your career.

Finally, there are people that will truly love you and want to be with you. My girlfriend with to university in upstate NY and I remained in CA since I couldn't find a job there. Now she is finally in residency in NYC, I'll be re-locating though I know I won't be seeing much of her during her residency. Someone that truly loves you should support you every step of the way and not be a controlling person putting up lots of barriers.

Save yourself years of worry and heartache and save millions. Forget about marriage. Find ways to pay child support and see your daughter on breaks and be a part of her life.

Good luck!

PS - 25 is basically a baby. I'm 30 and feel like a toddler and still have ways to grow and mature. I'll be 32 in med school and I feel relatively young.

Do you have kids? Most people that have kids think they are more important than a career. I would happily give up medicine if it meant the difference between living near my kids or across the country. If the OP does his own thing and goes to med school, he will likely not live in the same area as his daughter for at least 9 years from now... If ever.

 

[Prncssbuttercup]

I see some serious issues here... SERIOUS issues... You guys have a kid together, and she doesn't think that her daughter should live with her AND her father? That's a problem, and if she really supports you, she'd realize this is a sacrifice for both of you... Ugh... What's she going to do when you're in residency and all of this is WORSE than medical school???

 

[PinknGreenMD]

I see some serious issues here... SERIOUS issues... You guys have a kid together, and she doesn't think that her daughter should live with her AND her father? That's a problem, and if she really supports you, she'd realize this is a sacrifice for both of you... Ugh... What's she going to do when you're in residency and all of this is WORSE than medical school???

Exactly my thoughts. I just didnt want to say lol. "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health"

 

[KGflyboy]

My mother gave up a dream to raise kids. DON'T DO IT! I still hear no end to it and I'd rather she followed her dreams. Once kids are of school age, they practically raise themselves. Most of the time goes to school, homework and activities. I'd rather my mom have moved cross country chasing a dream than use "the kids" as an excuse not to. You can always schedule time to see your kid and have quality them that they'll appreciate more.

Also, do not get married. A woman who won't follow you out of state and allow you to live your dream is not worth it. Don't wait till your income is high and realize you are then stuck with someone you resent because she put up so many barriers that stopped you from succeeding in your career.

Finally, there are people that will truly love you and want to be with you. My girlfriend with to university in upstate NY and I remained in CA since I couldn't find a job there. Now she is finally in residency in NYC, I'll be re-locating though I know I won't be seeing much of her during her residency. Someone that truly loves you should support you every step of the way and not be a controlling person putting up lots of barriers.

PS - 25 is basically a baby. I'm 30 and feel like a toddler and still have ways to grow and mature. I'll be 32 in med school and I feel relatively young.

Everyone has different priorities. My mom didn't finish college, but my dad did. My mom worked part time while we were young, then went full time when we were older. My mom is GLAD she was able to do that. In fact, most people I know who stayed home with their kids for a few years never regretted it. My wife and I are trying to make that decision as we speak, and everyone who did it keeps telling us how happy they were they did it.

I agree with you on just about everything else though. Family is really important to me. Luckily, I didn't have sacrifice anything but sleep for med school. My family was and is willing to move when needed. In exchange for that, I made a commitment to not study in the evenings until after the kids are asleep between 8 and 9. I study late at night. I spend more time with them in school than I did in my previous career. Obviously 3rd year will bring big changes to my schedule. My point is, it can be done. With a supportive spouse, you shouldn't have to move away. If I would have had to move away, it would have been a deal breaker. I could have been happy with other careers too.

I guess if someone truly won't be happy without being a physician, then the giving up the dream for a family would be a little harder. However, for people like me... who really want to be a doc, but want to be a family man more, it is ok to put med school on hold. I didn't start until my late 20s because it took that long for my entire family to be ready.

 

[mspeedwagon]

I should clarify. It depends on the age of the kids. If you stay home from 0 to 5 then you likely will be extremely happy with your decision (or at least no regret it). However, my mom raised 5 kids through high school and stayed at home the whole time. Kids take care of themselves once they are in school. Neither of my parents went to college for the record.

Also, I might fall into the not happy in another career bunch (granted, I'm not raising a family of my own nor do I plan to as a med student married to a surgery resident).

Everyone has different priorities. My mom didn't finish college, but my dad did. My mom worked part time while we were young, then went full time when we were older. My mom is GLAD she was able to do that. In fact, most people I know who stayed home with their kids for a few years never regretted it. My wife and I are trying to make that decision as we speak, and everyone who did it keeps telling us how happy they were they did it.

 

[sockit]

I guess this is more of venting, but I'd like the opinions of others as well.

First off, my fiance is very supportive of me pursuing medical school. She even let me leave our hometown to get a masters to increase my chances of staying in TX. My initial plan was apply to all TX schools and OOS DO schools.

Last week we were speaking on the phone and told me that she didn't want me to apply out of state because she wants me to stay in TX. However, if I do happen to stay in state, she said she won't follow me to school because she doesn't believe I'm a good enough support system for her and our 5 year old daughter. She's afraid of not finding another job even though she's a RN.

She's probably got good reason to worry about being a working (or maybe not) mom with a husband in med school/residency/etc without the support of family. Even with daycare, nearby, trusted help is always great, say my mom friends, especially from doting grandparents.

I also think her concern about employability isn't unjustified. But that could be tested - maybe, just as an exercise, she could put her resume out there (anywhere) and see what kind of responses she gets?

I'm thinking, if she's been supportive to date, maybe there's a way around it. cabinbuilder's ingenuity speaks to what's possible. Really it comes down to specifics: location of your match; availability & cost of daycare; feasibility of regular visits back.. Any wiggle room, at all? Maybe if you put forward a few viable alternative arrangements, she'd be more open.

She also threw in the notion that if I skip this cycle and finish the program, I can get a teaching job back home and save up for the wedding. It's kind of sad that I'm the one that has always been pushing to get married since we've been together for 6 years. Of course, my parents keep telling me that if she loves me, she'll follow me. Plus, I feel a little pressure to start med school already since I'm 25 and just want to move on with my life.

This part, idk. What kind of wedding does she have in mind, that requires a year's savings? When it comes down to it, all you really need to do to be married is stand in front of a judge, maybe have a party afterwards. (But then, I think big, fancy weddings are kind of.. whatever, I have opinions. She's probably not an unusual bride.)