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- Jun 12, 2012
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I think I'm on the cusp of an anxiety attack.
I've been studying for a month, trying as hard as I can to hammer down my weak points. There are many. Now I'm just a few days off of my exam.
I used UWorld. I used Pathoma. I did the NBMEs and the UWSAs. It isn't pretty. I'm not going to be getting 275 or whatever the standard SDN score is. Sure, my scores are going up. I've memorized the biochem diseases which make no sense and the entire psych section. And all the drugs. And most of the micro. And I'm sitting here, reading through Pathoma again on my 3rd go and just trying to internalize whatever I can.
I am absolutely terrified. Horrifying terrified.
I feel like everything is riding on this exam I'm about to take. My entire life is going to be summarized by a single test. My self worth even. I'm afraid I'm going to forget everything and blow it. I'm afraid that I'm just not good enough; a fraud who doesn't belong here. I can't remember anything.
I used to think that I was a capable person, that I was smart and I could learn but I don't have that confidence anymore. I feel like it comes so easy for everyone else when I can barely figure out HOW to study a topic, let alone give myself enough time TO study once I learn the best technique.
And I'm terrified. I'm terrified because I KNOW how important this test is and when I see people posting up scores of 250, 260, 270 like its nothing it makes me feel inadequate. I'm lonely because there is no one I can discuss these feelings with. You can't admit to anyone that you're losing it inside or ask them what to do, what they do, to do better.
I see others performing how I believe I should be able to perform and I feel helpless. So, I put up a front of confidence. Really, I'm not confident at all. I'm terrified that I'm going to put up a 220 or something and never be able to pursue the specialty I want. I didn't come here to do family practice. I came here to be something everyone in my life told me I could never be and I feel like, in the absence of a time machine to go back to February and just cut class and study for this goddamned test, I wonder if I'm about to prove those people right.
I'm terrified that I am going to fail. Not just the exam but at life.
I can't talk to anyone about this. I feel like any sign of weakness and people will use it against you. We're supposed to be colleagues but lets face it, if the numbers weren't important we wouldn't be competing for them.
Does anyone else feel this way? Is it just me? Did I just make some other person very happy to know that someone else is unsure of himself and now there's an opportunity?
I believe I'm not the only one but how can I know?
I hate this.
I've been studying for a month, trying as hard as I can to hammer down my weak points. There are many. Now I'm just a few days off of my exam.
I used UWorld. I used Pathoma. I did the NBMEs and the UWSAs. It isn't pretty. I'm not going to be getting 275 or whatever the standard SDN score is. Sure, my scores are going up. I've memorized the biochem diseases which make no sense and the entire psych section. And all the drugs. And most of the micro. And I'm sitting here, reading through Pathoma again on my 3rd go and just trying to internalize whatever I can.
I am absolutely terrified. Horrifying terrified.
I feel like everything is riding on this exam I'm about to take. My entire life is going to be summarized by a single test. My self worth even. I'm afraid I'm going to forget everything and blow it. I'm afraid that I'm just not good enough; a fraud who doesn't belong here. I can't remember anything.
I used to think that I was a capable person, that I was smart and I could learn but I don't have that confidence anymore. I feel like it comes so easy for everyone else when I can barely figure out HOW to study a topic, let alone give myself enough time TO study once I learn the best technique.
And I'm terrified. I'm terrified because I KNOW how important this test is and when I see people posting up scores of 250, 260, 270 like its nothing it makes me feel inadequate. I'm lonely because there is no one I can discuss these feelings with. You can't admit to anyone that you're losing it inside or ask them what to do, what they do, to do better.
I see others performing how I believe I should be able to perform and I feel helpless. So, I put up a front of confidence. Really, I'm not confident at all. I'm terrified that I'm going to put up a 220 or something and never be able to pursue the specialty I want. I didn't come here to do family practice. I came here to be something everyone in my life told me I could never be and I feel like, in the absence of a time machine to go back to February and just cut class and study for this goddamned test, I wonder if I'm about to prove those people right.
I'm terrified that I am going to fail. Not just the exam but at life.
I can't talk to anyone about this. I feel like any sign of weakness and people will use it against you. We're supposed to be colleagues but lets face it, if the numbers weren't important we wouldn't be competing for them.
Does anyone else feel this way? Is it just me? Did I just make some other person very happy to know that someone else is unsure of himself and now there's an opportunity?
I believe I'm not the only one but how can I know?
I hate this.