struggling with current clinical psych phd program, need advice please!

[psycstudentclinical]

hi everyone - I'm currently a first year phd student in a clinical psychology program. I'm having a supremely difficult time in this program, I was already ambivalent about coming here because it's so far away from home and I had to compromise a bit on my research interests, but it was the only program I was admitted to this cycle. I decided to accept the offer because I didn't want to wait and reapply again and thought I could make it work. but every minute of being here has felt like a mistake. I hate being so far away from home, in the middle of nowhere, completely isolated from everyone. my cohort is amazing but we all live far apart from one another, and are all feeling similarly disillusioned by the program.

generally speaking, the program is not difficult whatsoever, my undergraduate classes were more challenging and expanded my knowledge exponentially more than these courses at the doctoral level have. our DCT constantly belittles us and talks to us like we are kindergartners, and that culture seems to permeate the rest of the program where older students teaching classes quite literally yell at and scold us. there's a professor on faculty who has several sexual assault allegations held against him and the program has refused to do anything about it, and the TAs for his classes seem to have adopted his inappropriate behavior and make everything very sexually explicit. the financial situation is also pretty dire (very very small stipend...less than 1k/month), I have to take out substantial amounts of loans in order to get by and I am barely making rent each month. the only pros about the program are that my cohort is amazing and my research mentor is really nice. he is a true expert in my topic of interest and I want to work with him, but being here has degraded my mental health back to a really dark and difficult place that I had worked so hard to get out of in the past. I really don't know if I'm going to be able to make it through the duration of this program. I think if I were closer to home dealing with all of these issues I would be able to suck it up and deal with it, because at least I could go through it while being close to my friends and family and in a place that feels like home. here, my social circle has been diminished to the small group that is my cohort, and the location of this program is in the middle of nowhere so it's extremely isolating. I could move into the nearest city which is about an hour away from campus, but I'm not crazy about that city either. however I am from a big city so maybe just living back in an urban area would make it easier.

I don't know what to do here - I keep thinking about just leaving, mastering out and re-applying to other programs, but I don't want to burn bridges. I also don't know if I would even be able to get into another PhD program, especially after leaving my current one. I'm worried it will reflect very poorly and nobody will take me on, so part of me wants to try and stick it out. Plus I've heard the only way to make that move successful is to get a strong letter from the school's DCT, and she does not seem like the type to support this type of decision. But I don't know if getting my PhD is worth the mental suffering I am trying to push through - the idea of being here for the next 5-7 years of my life is indescribably depressing. I used to be so passionate about my research interests and pursuing a Clinical PhD, but since coming here I have been completely apathetic and disinterested in anything related to psych or my research topic to the point that it's made me question if this is even what I want at all. The only thing that's been making me happy is creating music and singing, which is not the most viable career path either. I'm feeling so stuck, any advice would be sincerely appreciated.

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[roryportman]

for most programs, so I assume yours, you will only be taking classes for the first 2 years or so. my first year was the worst for me, for that reason (all classes). I had very similar feelings of disillusion and disappointment, and thinking that the faculty and program were awful.

but it got better. second year, I started clinical work and finished my thesis. third year, I was in a practicum I really enjoyed and more immersed in research projects. very few classes. aside from research lab and comps, I felt more removed from the program, and happier.

it appears that you've only been in your program for a few months. I can understand that it's extremely difficult starting a new program and living in a new area. I would suggest sticking it out a little longer, because I would be very surprised if things don't get better. IMO, it's great that one of the most important pieces in this situation - your research mentor - is a positive.

have you tried finding a new hobby, maybe there's something niche in the area? or even bumble or meetup for making friends? (I know, I know, in all the loads of free time you must have, but making the time might be worth it if it helps your mental wellbeing!)

 

[VentureIntoNothingness]

I moved from one program to another. I think a strong letter from your advisor or some mentor will really help with the reapplication. For me, it was a transformative experience. I am much happier and more productive in my new program.

 

[Temperance]

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time in your program and with the department culture.

For what it's worth, outside of statistics classes, I found most of the challenge from my coursework being in time management (e.g. finding time and resources for practice IQ tests) rather than in difficulty of the content itself. Content classes not part of core program requirements were there to impart information so that we had some breadth of knowledge in psychology broadly and to meet accreditation requirements; otherwise, everyone had an implicit understanding that classes were last or near-last in our list of priorities.

Otherwise, do you have mental health support? It's a cliché suggestion, but it might be helpful to have a neutral party help you process what you're going through and what you're thinking career-wise. Personally, when I started having the same thoughts about leaving, it was nice to have someone who wasn't at all related to my program and who understood what it was like to go through graduate school work with me to figure things out.

 

[erg923]

hi everyone - I'm currently a first year phd student in a clinical psychology program. I'm having a supremely difficult time in this program, I was already ambivalent about coming here because it's so far away from home and I had to compromise a bit on my research interests, but it was the only program I was admitted to this cycle. I decided to accept the offer because I didn't want to wait and reapply again and thought I could make it work. but every minute of being here has felt like a mistake. I hate being so far away from home, in the middle of nowhere, completely isolated from everyone. my cohort is amazing but we all live far apart from one another, and are all feeling similarly disillusioned by the program.

generally speaking, the program is not difficult whatsoever, my undergraduate classes were more challenging and expanded my knowledge exponentially more than these courses at the doctoral level have. our DCT constantly belittles us and talks to us like we are kindergartners, and that culture seems to permeate the rest of the program where older students teaching classes quite literally yell at and scold us. there's a professor on faculty who has several sexual assault allegations held against him and the program has refused to do anything about it, and the TAs for his classes seem to have adopted his inappropriate behavior and make everything very sexually explicit. the financial situation is also pretty dire (very very small stipend...less than 1k/month), I have to take out substantial amounts of loans in order to get by and I am barely making rent each month. the only pros about the program are that my cohort is amazing and my research mentor is really nice. he is a true expert in my topic of interest and I want to work with him, but being here has degraded my mental health back to a really dark and difficult place that I had worked so hard to get out of in the past. I really don't know if I'm going to be able to make it through the duration of this program. I think if I were closer to home dealing with all of these issues I would be able to suck it up and deal with it, because at least I could go through it while being close to my friends and family and in a place that feels like home. here, my social circle has been diminished to the small group that is my cohort, and the location of this program is in the middle of nowhere so it's extremely isolating. I could move into the nearest city which is about an hour away from campus, but I'm not crazy about that city either. however I am from a big city so maybe just living back in an urban area would make it easier.

I don't know what to do here - I keep thinking about just leaving, mastering out and re-applying to other programs, but I don't want to burn bridges. I also don't know if I would even be able to get into another PhD program, especially after leaving my current one. I'm worried it will reflect very poorly and nobody will take me on, so part of me wants to try and stick it out. Plus I've heard the only way to make that move successful is to get a strong letter from the school's DCT, and she does not seem like the type to support this type of decision. But I don't know if getting my PhD is worth the mental suffering I am trying to push through - the idea of being here for the next 5-7 years of my life is indescribably depressing. I used to be so passionate about my research interests and pursuing a Clinical PhD, but since coming here I have been completely apathetic and disinterested in anything related to psych or my research topic to the point that it's made me question if this is even what I want at all. The only thing that's been making me happy is creating music and singing, which is not the most viable career path either. I'm feeling so stuck, any advice would be sincerely appreciated.

I'm not sure foundational course-work during a first year clinical Ph.D should be more "difficult" than a high quality undergraduate class. It should be more in-depth, however. Coursework is really not the focus of a phd program/training.

I don't know what to make of the sex stuff ? What do you think this is about? On the one hand, we are all adults here, and we should be able to talk about that stuff if necessary, and even joke if necessary. It doesn't sound necessary, however, in this context? Is this just egregious sexualization of the material and associated comments, or is it actually directed at specific students?

There is absolutely no excuse for yelling at or the berating of students, especially if it is done in front of the other students. That would just reek of a lack of discipline/lack of accountability within the department. Is this just immaturity from TAs, or is this some kind of old-school teaching/training culture within the program? This is the issue I would bring to your department chair... immediately!!!

 

[summerbabe]

Sorry to hear that it's been such a tough 3-4 months in this program. There's a lot going on so here are some thoughts/reactions that came to mind:

our DCT constantly belittles us and talks to us like we are kindergartners, and that culture seems to permeate the rest of the program where older students teaching classes quite literally yell at and scold us.

I experienced a much, much more tactful version of this in my program as a way of policing/reinforcing behaviors that faculty wanted to see new students adopt. Some of it I eventually became immune to and because I generally adapted to their expectations, I was able to get in the 'good graces' of faculty so once that happened, it was much more smooth sailing. Regardless, it's ****ty.

there's a professor on faculty who has several sexual assault allegations held against him and the program has refused to do anything about it, and the TAs for his classes seem to have adopted his inappropriate behavior and make everything very sexually explicit.

College aren't exactly beacons for accountability when it comes to things that can damage the reputation of the college (I speak as somebody who briefly worked in student affairs before grad school). However, current behaviors and creating environments not constructive to learning is not cool. How versed you are on Title IX? There are obviously ways to address these types of behaviors but that process is certainly fraught with its own issues.

my research mentor is really nice. he is a true expert in my topic of interest and I want to work with him, but being here has degraded my mental health back to a really dark and difficult place that I had worked so hard to get out of in the past.

I think if I were closer to home dealing with all of these issues I would be able to suck it up and deal with it, because at least I could go through it while being close to my friends and family and in a place that feels like home. here, my social circle has been diminished to the small group that is my cohort, and the location of this program is in the middle of nowhere so it's extremely isolating.

Sounds like a combination of negative experiences, a difficult transition, and potentially some pre-existing vulnerability factors are working in tandem. You can't change how far this place is from home but social circles can expand. All of us can benefit from working on our mental health regardless of circumstances so our coping can improve. Specific experiences are always changing in grad school but we’ll be more limited when it comes to the overall program tone/culture (but not completely helpless).

But I don't know if getting my PhD is worth the mental suffering I am trying to push through - the idea of being here for the next 5-7 years of my life is indescribably depressing. I used to be so passionate about my research interests and pursuing a Clinical PhD, but since coming here I have been completely apathetic and disinterested in anything related to psych

Winter break is coming up soon and at least as a first year, hopefully you'll be able to spend a few weeks away from school and with friends/family and re-evaluate how much of this might be circumstantial/temporary and whether any of it might be related to a lack of fit with the field at large. Good luck!

 

[hhhzzzaaa]

First year was by far the hardest for me. As another commenter mentioned, as you start practica and end classes, you begin to drift away from your program and differentiate yourself from your program. The one consistent relationship that I think can make or break your experience is the one with your mentor, and you really like your mentor! Years 4-6 were primarily disconnected from my program for me, with only my mentor tethering me to my program. I'd recommend focusing heavily on your own mental health and try to focus on what you're motivated to engage with professionally in the future-- clinical work, research, teaching, etc. It got a lot better for me, and I hope that it does for you too!

 

[PsychJustice]

I really benefited from growing my social circle outside of just my cohort - that way my socialization was not only revolving around school. I'd recommend looking into organizations/clubs on campus as they are usually free to join and are a nice way to meet new people. Transitions are some of the hardest part of being an adult, so remember to acknowledge that this transition to a new area, to a new program, to a new set of friends is going to take some time to get used to and that it's okay to feel upset about the transition. Like others recommended, take the holidays to recuperate and start fresh for the new year and see if anything changes for you before making any decisions just yet.

And as many people note on this forum, also recognize the effects that the pandemic has had on your own mental health and how that might be impacting how you're feeling and experiencing everything at the moment. It's been a very difficult year and a half for everyone so be kind to yourself.

 

[R. Matey]

I moved from one program to another. I think a strong letter from your advisor or some mentor will really help with the reapplication. For me, it was a transformative experience. I am much happier and more productive in my new program.

I've known of folks who have done this, but it is usually with program support and under extenuating circumstances.

Otherwise, do you have mental health support? It's a cliché suggestion, but it might be helpful to have a neutral party help you process what you're going through and what you're thinking career-wise. Personally, when I started having the same thoughts about leaving, it was nice to have someone who wasn't at all related to my program and who understood what it was like to go through graduate school work with me to figure things out.

+1

These sorts of issues are why university counseling centers exist. The UCC staff can help you think through your options, provide mental health services, and help you make a Title IX complaint, if necessary. Personally, I don't think it's cliche at all. It's a valuable resource to students.

 

[futureapppsy2]

Good thoughts from posters here--I'll add mine.

-I agree with the sentiment that classes are the least useful, or at least the least engaging, part of a PhD program. With the exception of stats classes and an advanced ABA seminar, I can't say I learned a whole lot from my straight coursework. I learned a ton from the clinical assignments related to coursework, actual clinical placements, research, and other co-curricular activities. In one particularly useless class, I spent large portions of it reading celebrity gossip on my laptop and ended up making a really good friend, because she saw me reading celebrity gossip and decided that we would probably get along.

-IME, it takes about a year to settle in and feel comfortable any new place, so it's not abnormal that you still feel like you're finding your place, especially with the pandemic throwing a continuous wrench into things.

-I'd highly recommend getting involved in some sort of structured group exercise or sports activity--not only does exercise have psychological benefits, but it's a great way to meet people, IMO, and it provides a "forced" break from studying/work.