medchick said:
well i think my surgery experience may or may not be representative,
what i meant by single is really celibate..
this is based on the bantering of the single male residents which was always about sex sex sex.
i felt sorry for them because they were all so desperate to get laid, extremely touch deprived and in need of tlc...funny thing is at lunch they'd talk about wanting the big house, the kids, the family and yet what are they actually doing about it?
this isn't a post to flame surgeons--they are one gutsy group of people, but about their choices--how can you be so brave and tough professionally and literally and a wuss socially.
they have straight out said they want a girl--they go to med student parties, they flirt and hit on you, but its never followed through with a normal--lets go out line..
90% of the male attendings are married to nurses--these same attendings will scream at me and say--you are not a nurse! know your medicine! this screams of hypocrisy---
i admit this is just a rambling of my own experience--and what do i know really right?
i was just trying to hold on to my dignity while being trampled upon by everyone..
the entire time i thought--is it worth all of this? one of the residents broke down and said he didn't know what he got himself into..but his entire adult life he has been stuck in the hospital..
One of the benefits of these forums is to show the users that there exists a wide variety of experiences and to share the knowledge gained from those. You've addressed a number of issues in your post above, and I'll give you my two cents on each of them...
Celibate residents may very well be frustrated; especially if that condition (ie, being celibate) is not of choice. Many residents, male and female (but perhaps more so males), are seemingly obsessed with sex. For many of them, they've spent a considerable amount of time in the library, cuddled up with books and haven't had much time to canoodle with someone else. It has been my observation that some tend to be a little less mature in their social interactions because they simply haven't had the experience that those who have been out in the working world or dating much more have.
Surgery still tends to be a "cowboy" world, despite the influx of female residents, and you'll find the talk may be more sexual than in other fields. MAY BE.
😉 Males tend to talk about sex a lot anyway. I don't know if you have brothers, but I do and they all do if they're around a woman they're comfortable with. Unfortunately, some also engage in this kind of talk as a way to make you uncomfortable, as a sexually aggressive move. I'll leave it to you to discern what category your residents fall into.
It takes a lot of work to find a partner, work on and sustain a relationship. Some don't realize this and figure something will "just happen". These are the residents who wake up at 40 and find they're alone. It just isn't as easy (especially for female residents) to meet people as it was during college. Others realize it takes work and either simply don't have the energy or time to make it happen now or just don't want to deal with all the hassles that come with a relationship or even dating. They talk about houses and families etc, because those are common dreams. Just because they aren't working towards those outwardly doesn't mean its wrong to dream. Perhaps they have simply decided that their career takes precedence right now and they can't imagine taking on another goal/task at this point in time. Or maybe they're just clueless that they have to do something about it rather than just dream.
So while surgeons may seem "gutsy", they really aren't as a group anymore than any other. And being "gutsy" in the OR and in the social arena are two entirely different things. Don't mistake your residents hesitance to ask students out or to make some changes in their social environment as "wussy". As I noted above, there are many reasons why people don't pursue an active sex/social life, even if they seem to want one. Heck, perhaps they just haven't met anyone they're interested in. I know there are a substantial number of people who have little to no interest in dating another physician (which as a medical student you presumably will be someday) and either prefer allied health personnel (including nurses) or someone totally out of the field of medicine. This isn't wrong, as frustrating as it seems to us females in medicine, its simply their choice and they have a right to it. I was always offended when in grad school my male resident roommates would date extremely young women (18-21) without college educations. Seemed these gals were impressed that these guys were doctors; my friends and I weren't so much. Anyway, off topic..
You say that these residents attend medical school parties, flirt and hit on the students but don't ask them out. I've detailed reasons why this might be the case above and in my earlier post. First and foremost might be the concern that dating between students and residents who might be evaluating them (now or in the future) is highly scrutinized. If it happens here, it is really hush hush because I haven't seen it. Some of the guys probably figure it isn't worth the risk or the potential trouble they could get in from the faculty.
What is stopping you from asking them out? I have had the same BF all the way through residency. He was 2 years ahead of me, at a different program and he acted the same way. He hung around after his shift was over, went on inane scut trips with me, etc. Finally, one day (his last day at my hospital before he returned to his home hospital) he accompanied me to the library while I checked email. He spent an inordinate amount of time asking me if I had been to X, Y and Z. Since I had just moved to town, I kept responding that I hadn't been anywhere. It became apparent to me that he was stalling, so I said that it would be great to have someone show me around since I didn't really know anyplace to go or anyone to go with and if he was available this weekend, that would work great for me. I gave him my numbers and he called. 4 years later, the rest is history.
If you are interested in them and you suspect they share the feeling, then ask the resident(s) out. If you are not on their service and do not expect to be, there should be no moral reason not to. If they say no, at least you've found out whether or not they're really interested. Maybe they're hoping you'll take the initiative and ask them out. If they say yes, then great! Very few males these days are turned off by a woman asking them out. Its flattering as long as you are friendly, and keep it casual (no driving by their house or leaving them notes all around the hospital). For the 10% who might not like a woman taking the lead, so what. Thats a risk worth taking, IMHO.
Lots of male surgeons are married to nurses. Remember they worked even more than your current residents and it was likely that if they weren't married when they started residency, the only females they were going to meet were nurses. Nothing wrong with that. And the standards for a life partner and a professional partner are different. It may sound like they disrespect nurses, but obviously they feel that your knowledge and skill level needs to be different. I cannot see what this has to be with them being married to nurses. Its not hypocritical, IMHO.
A number of residents are unhappy. Not everyone goes into medicine because its their life dream and not everyone handles the stress of residency well. It does take over your young adulthood years and if they have no one at home or elsewhere as a support system, it can really be stressful. No one can say whether or not its worth it for you. You'll never know what its like until you do it.
Anyway, enough rambling on my part..just my thoughts. Now get yourself out there and ask one of those residents out!
