Surgery Jokes

[Celiac Plexus]

Ok, this will probably get turfed to the Lunge but I thought I would at least try and lighten things up in here a bit after "ChicagoGate" has riled some people up.

An oldie but goodie...

2 surgeons are hanging out one night chatting....

surgeon 1: Did you hear that we're gonna go to q2 call?

surgeon 2: Yeah. That ****in' sucks man.

surgeon 1: Yep.

surgeon 2: We're gonna miss out on half the cases...

---

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[drkingdingaling]

dude.... that joke sucks

 

[Foxxy Cleopatra]

CP-

I've got one for you... but let me preface it with a few quick things:

1. I appreciate our mods so if you deem this inappropriate, let me know- I'll delete it! I didn't think it was too risque...

2. In regards to ******'s favorite quote:
"Stereotypes abound about personality traits thought to be characteristic of a surgeon. Consensus is that one should be male, athletic, anal-compulsive, addicted to locker-room humor, possessed of a vocabulary of single syllables, have the endurance of a marathon runner, and maintain a political, social, and sexual orientation somewhere to the right of Attila the Hun." -- Kaj Johansen, MD, PhD, FACS, and David M. Heimbach, MD, FACS, So, You Want to be a Surgeon

I'm a small female with a pretty good athletic endurance, and though my political views are slightly left of Attilla the Hun's, I am a lifelong fan of locker room humor! It was hard to find a joke that wasn't too vulgar! So here goes:

2 young doctors were at a convention where their eyes locked. Little was said, though after a few drinks and some dancing, they headed up to his hotel room for some fun.

After it was over, the guy said to the woman, "Let me guess... are you a surgeon?"

She said, "yes, how did you know?"

He replied, "because you were so good with your hands."

She then asked, "Let me guess... are you an anesthesiologist?"

He said, "yes! How did you know?"

Her reply, "because I hardly felt a thing!"

ha ha ha

 

[ktat72]

I think foxxy cleopatra's joke is pretty good - original.

 

[dumbest premed]

Originally posted by ktat72
I think foxxy cleopatra's joke is pretty good - original.

I've heard it before...but still very funny

 

[makatak]

My attending told me both of these:

1.) During a lap chole, med student points camera towards the gall bladder to find that it was completely calcified. Surgeon says " This guy came in with what we call a "Preacher's Prick Gallbladder." " "Why?" asks the med student.
Suregeon replies " Because it was hard... Distended....
and there was NOTHING he could do about it."

2.) Surgeon goes to hell. Devil says, " You have a choice between these 2 doors, I'll let you have a look in each to see where you want to spend the rest of eternity."

Surgeon opens the first door: SICU room with 20 patients all coding at the same time!!!! "Whoa, no way!!! Not this one."

Surgeon opens 2nd door: Medical records, infinite hallway of d/c summaries to sign. " No way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Surgeon notices a third door and opens it: A Surgeon's lounge. Big screen, full of beers. Recliners, with a nurse giving each Surgeon oral sex! "This is the door I chose for eternity" states the surgeon.

"Nope, one of the first 2 doors." says the devil.

"Why? Why?"

"Cause the 3rd door is NURSE"S HELL!!!"

 

[womansurg]

not about surgeons, but overheard being told BY surgeons:

"Hey, so I went on a date last night. Got to foolin' around. Realized the girl had a vagina THIS BIG (holds hands out wide)."

"So, what'd you do?"

"I just forced it in anyway."



"Do you know the difference between a hamburger and oral sex?"

"No, what?"

"Want to have lunch?"

 

[Joe Joe on da Radio]

an oldie...

what's the difference between a surgeon and God?

God doesn't think he's God.

 

[womansurg]

Originally posted by Joe Joe on da Radio
God doesn't think he's God.

?? I think it's supposed to be:
God doesn't think he's a surgeon.

 

[Surgdude]

An enterprising young plastic surgeon had been looking for an invention to revolutionize plastic surgery as we know it. One day, he comes up with a great idea--the "knob."

This device is simple. He implants it on the back of the head of all of the patients that he does face lifts on. As the skin starts to loosen and show wrinkles again, all that the person has to do is turn it a few cranks, and voila, the skin is tight again.

One of his early patients comes back to visit him 20 years after the knob is implanted.

"Doctor, I have been very pleased with the knob, but lately, I have developed these unsightly bags under my eyes that I just can't get rid of."

The doctor examines the woman, and after a few minutes arives at the reason for her symptoms.

"Ma'am, I know what the problem is. Those aren't bags under your eyes, those are your breasts!"

She pauses for a moment, and replies,

"Oh. That would also explain my goatee!"





Another old one:

How many surgeons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One--he/she just holds it up and the world revolves around him/her.

 

[Celiac Plexus]

Airplane full of people is buzzing along through the sky and all of a sudden there's some turbulence and one of first class passengers stabs himself in the leg while cutting his porterhouse and blood starts spraying up in to the air.

A levelheaded stewardess picks up the intercom and asks if there's a surgeon on board. A guy a few seats over stands up and approaches the man.

"I'm a surgeon," he says. and starts prepping the man's leg for the procedure. The man is writhing in pain.

The surgeon stops for a moment and says to the stewardess, "I'm gonna need an anesthesiologist."

The stewardess picks up the intercom again and says, "Is there an anesthesiologist on board?"

A moment later a breathless man rushes up and announces, "I'm an anesthesiologist, what can I do to help?"

The surgeon looks at him and says, "Can you adjust that light for me?"

 

[Castro Viejo]

I love anthesiology jokes!

 

[southerndoc]

Originally posted by pba
1. how do you hide a dollar from a gsurg sub-i?

put it under a dressing

2. how do you hide a dollar from a orthopod?

put it in a book

3. how do you hide a dollar from a plastic surgeon?

you cant


as per my vascular chief

How do you hide it from a radiologist?

Tape it to the patient's forehead.

 

[Castro Viejo]

How do you hide a dollar from a General Surgeon?

Hide it in his home.

 

[unregistered]

An internist, ER physician, surgeon, and a pathologist decide to take a break from the hospital and go duck hunting together. The next morning, they were sitting in a duck blind waiting for the birds. Eventually, one appeared on the horizon.

The internist watched it carefully as it came over and said, "Gentlemen, notice the colorful plumage, the distinctive quacking sound, and the web feet trailing behind."

As the bird flew out of range, he said, "Based on my observations, I would venture that we have seen a duck, but further tests may be necessary before we decide on a course of action."

The other doctors all looked at the internist, then at each other, and then turned their attention to the sky again. It wasn't long until another bird appeared. They waited until it came closer and then the ER physician spoke up. "It's a swan! no, it's a goose! no, no wait! it's a duck!" He then whipped out his gun and fired multiple rounds into the air, each one missing. The bird subsequently flew away.

When the next bird flew by, the surgeon stood up, took aim, and shot. Feathers, blood, and vicera exploded overhead. A sorry looking carcass fell into the blind. The surgeon turned to the pathologist and said, "Hey, could you run over there, get that damn thing, and tell me if it was a duck?"

 

[vitaminj]

A Plastics attending told me this one....

What another name for a double blind study?

Two orthopods looking at an EKG. 😀

 

[ESzczesniak]

1. how do you hide a dollar from a gsurg sub-i?

put it under a dressing

2. how do you hide a dollar from a orthopod?

put it in a book

3. how do you hide a dollar from a plastic surgeon?

you cant

I've usually heard this done with $100 (...and the following with $500), but...

4. How do you hide $500 dollars from an orthopod?

Put it in a book without pictures

 

[Smurfette]

Actually I heard it this way (sorry, repeating some):

How do you hide $ from an orthopod?

Tape it to the patient's chest.

How do you hide $ from an internist?

Put it under a dressing.

How do you hide $ from a neurosurgeon?

Tape it to his children.

How do you hide $ from a general surgeon?

Put it in the chart.

How do you hide $ from an anesthesiologist?

Don't wake him up.

How do you hide $ from a radiologist?

Tape it to the patient's forehead.

How do you hide $ from a pediatrician?

Trick question, they have no $ to find.

How do you hide $ from a plastic surgeon?

You can't.

 

[Ronin2258]

No offense to the religious and the lawyers in the room.

By some strange miracle, two lawyers made it to heaven (how they got there is a joke in itself.) They are before Saint Peter, who is looking them over.

"Well, you made it to heaven," Saint Peter said. "However, to enter the Pearly Gates you have stand in line based on how much you contributed to humanity, and well, let's face it, you're lawyers. You will have to wait patiently at the end of the line."

So the lawyers are at the end of the long, long line, which is moving slowly. They decide not to complain as they can look down into hell through the clouds and see how their partners were faring (two words: not good. *shudder*) So they decide to suck it up. The line is moving slowly, but at least in a forward direction.

After a while, along comes a surgeon in scrubs and a flowing, majestic, open white coat. He is carrying a doctor's bag and a cup of coffee. The surgeon walks right by the confused lawyers, right past the line, and up to Saint Peter. The surgeon nods at Saint Peter, Saint Peter nods back, and the surgeon walks right through the Pearly Gates and right into heaven.

The lawyers, rather disgruntled at the fact a doctor went before them, went up to Saint Peter and asked, "What is with the surgeon bypassing everyone and going into heaven without waiting in line?"

Saint Peter replied, "Oh, him? That was God. He likes to think he is surgeon every so often."

*rimshot*

 

[NJA61479]

This joke is to be told by the operating surgeon just before first incision during any case:

Surgeon: "What does the medical student who graduated at the top of his class say to the medical student who graduated at the bottom of his class?"

Med Stud: "What?"

Surgeon: "Table up please!"

 

[PharmaTope]

This joke is to be told by the operating surgeon just before first incision during any case:

Surgeon: "What does the medical student who graduated at the top of his class say to the medical student who graduated at the bottom of his class?"

Med Stud: "What?"

Surgeon: "Table up please!"

honestly i dont get it.

 

[waxedapathetic]

i get it. its stupid.

 

[waxedapathetic]

not a joke, but sayings i got a kick out of in med school:

if tumor is the rumor, then tissue is the issue.

also,

if cancer is the answer, then tissue is the issue...

or for XRT,

no heat without meat (bx)

 

[476515678234896]

This joke is to be told by the operating surgeon just before first incision during any case:

Surgeon: "What does the medical student who graduated at the top of his class say to the medical student who graduated at the bottom of his class?"

Med Stud: "What?"

Surgeon: "Table up please!"

no

 

[JonBovi]

This joke is to be told by the operating surgeon just before first incision during any case:

Surgeon: "What does the medical student who graduated at the top of his class say to the medical student who graduated at the bottom of his class?"

Med Stud: "What?"

Surgeon: "Table up please!"

This may have been true 30 years ago.

 

[skiz knot]

Many reposts...

How do you hide money from an anesthesiologist?
Put it in the OR.

 

[cpants]

Bump.

What's the difference between a surgeon and an OB/Gyn?

The surgeon goes: "Clamp." "Clamp." Cut.

The gyn goes: Cut. "CLAMP! CLAMP! CLAMP!"

 

[Toennis]

true story:

General surgeon was standing in the OR in front of his morbidly obese patient and shouted: "OK. LET'S SLAUGHTER THIS FAT PIG"

Too bad the patient was'nt asleep then. Surgeon got sued as hell 😀

 

[phenylacetone]

true story:

General surgeon was standing in the OR in front of his morbidly obese patient and shouted: "OK. LET'S SLAUGHTER THIS FAT PIG"

Too bad the patient was'nt asleep then. Surgeon got sued as hell 😀

What was the tort? Certainly being a jerk doesn't constitute malpractice.

 

[Toennis]

What was the tort? Certainly being a jerk doesn't constitute malpractice.

No, no, not malpractice. I think it's called compensation for immaterial damage. Plus I do know that the surgeon lost -at least temporarily (not sure exactly if forever)- his hospital privileges.

 

[Mr Cookie Pants]

What was the tort? Certainly being a jerk doesn't constitute malpractice.

Yeah just hit them with some extra versed and just say she was imagining it.

 

[45408]

Yeah just hit them with some extra versed and just say she was imagining it.

Let's give that propofol right about now....