*sheepishly creeps back onto the premises.*
I apologize if I overreacted previously. Those who have observed that I am "struggling" are correct, and it has nothing to do with sad patient stories. I truly love surgery, but I am unable to adjust to or accept the behavior and culture of my program. Perhaps this lead me into some unfair projections.
I am starting to see what others have been saying. I'm in an awkward position- wondering if simply loving surgery is enough. I have grave doubts about my ability to develop into a competent practitioner in my current program. Some people seem to be able to use the "tough love" as a motivational tool, and it ultimately seems to fortify their confidence. This is NOT me. Call me a millenial, but if all I get is abuse and insults, I start to doubt my competence and waffle. Not to mention that I'm usually terrified to ask questions due to the responses I get. This makes me feel like I'm 100% teaching myself. If I keep plugging along, hopefully I can get myself through it and become "competent." But then, there are other fields that, while they may not light my fire like surgery does, I know I could be truly great at them. I look at my attendings and realize that there's hardly one I haven't heard someone talking **** about. With how terribly this environment has affected my confidence already, I don't imagine it would get any better after graduation.
As ERAS season is upon us, I feel that I'm at a major precupice. There are a few options I'm throwing around:
1) I have a background in healthcare (before med school.) I used to work at a teaching hospital in another (noncompetitive) specialty. Although I KNOW I could excel in this field (great personality fit, great success at work their, lots of background experience, etc.) I rotated at this institution as a med student and had stellar reviews. Still have great relationships with my old co-workers from there, including the PD, with whom I worked directly for several years. Sadly, I still pooh-poohed the specialty because I loved the OR so much. In hindsight, I think I'd actually be much better at this specialty, and could be just about as happy in it if I completed a fellowship after residency in it. I am seriously considering emailing the PD to see about coming back as a resident. Of course I assume he'd want me to apply through ERAS just like everyone else. He is a really nice guy, but I can't help worry that he'd see me as damaged goods even though we had a solid relationship.
2) There are 3 other specialties that I could see myself doing. Considering putting my feelers out to the PD's in these specialties at the program I'm currently at. I can't help but feel that I should pick one, though- it might look sketchy if I reached out to all 3 at once and then they talked. Advantage would be staying put geographically in my current location, which I'm not crazy about, but am at least "settled in."
3) Trying to switch to a more supportive program in general surgery. My concerns about this are: a) I was fooled once (everyone dies laughing when I tell them I was surprised to learn about my current program's malignant reputation, AFTER matching. Duh.) b) This is obviously extremely difficult to do.
Again, I acknowledge that I was acting rather poorly in the posts above. I am a bit more ready to listen at this point, and humbly ask for any input on these options.
Oh, and- apparently deleting an account isn't that easy for a computer "genius" like me. My thought at the time was, "I need fewer naysayers in my life, not more!" But then again, if all the naysayers are saying the same thing... maybe its worth listening to?