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The hand that you are dealt

Discussion in 'Psychiatry' started by LimpMode, Sep 27, 2014.

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  1. LimpMode


    Sep 27, 2014
    What do you do when your life is not going the way you want it to and you strongly feel that there is nothing you can do to change who you are? I thought I would post this on this forum because I figured there are many intelligent people here and some may be willing to listen and offer suggestions.

    For about 14 years now I have had to intermittently fight off thoughts of suicide. Objectively, I have a few good things going for me. I am 26 year old male, in good physical shape and health, and have a good paying job (but that I don't really like). I unfortunately do hot have any friends and have a very very poor and limited relationship with my family. I have had a few girlfriends but they were unfulfilling and awkward relationships. During my teens I was struck with a pretty crippling anxiety disorder. One of the symptoms of this disorder for me was excessive facial blushing. The facial blushing was a further source of embarrassment and frustration for me as it caused me to withdraw from people and avoid social situations. While my peers in high school were partying, doing activities, dating, I was at home hiding and living in an abusive and destructive environment because of my parents. This disorder and lifestyle choice during my teens, I am completely convinced that it blunted my mental growth, caused me to miss out on learning important social skills, and destroyed my ability to be an optimistic person. I have been working for years now to try to become an outgoing person with friends and who can enjoy life but it is just not happening. When i try to talk to people my age they seem to instinctively pick up that something is "off" about me and they avoid making a friendship with me despite me being nice to them. It kills me to see people my age or even younger who are in happy relationships with friends or members of the opposite sex while I am a complete loner and am very lonely. It makes me very jealous and then very bitter about the hand that I have been dealt. I have an overarching feeling that I am a reject to others and I am a failure since I cannot find a partner. I have been doing everything by myself for a long time now. Looking back I don't have many memories that were shared with others. Everything was by myself. It's a brutal feeling. That and the loneliness causes suicidal thoughts to creep up now and then and I have to work to find reasons to keep my head up and keep trying. This is no way to live. I understand that other people have it worse but this is my problem and it feels like it has crushed me. Even when the sun is out and I see people at the park I am sitting in my apartment by myself and with a sinking and empty feeling in my stomach. There are other issues I have as well but I am starting to lose it just typing all this out.

    I have seen a psychiatrist in the past and he was very helpful. I would really really like to go again but I would like to apply to become a pilot in the military and a psychiatric record can be disqualifying for these programs so I am hesitant to go see someone again for professional help. I also worry because I still have the blushing problem and it will be hard to get through the pilot program if I was accepted. Can anyone here offer some words to me that can help in any way? I appreciate you taking he time to read this.
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2014
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  3. TexasPhysician

    TexasPhysician Moderator Physician 7+ Year Member

    Sep 1, 2008
    This thread is against the terms of service. Medical advice is not provided on SDN.

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