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This type of stuff bums me out....

Discussion in 'Spouses and Partners' started by Doc Henry, Mar 3, 2007.

  1. Doc Henry

    Doc Henry blowin' in the wind
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    Like many people in this forum I am super driven to become a doctor and academia (and passion for healthcare) pretty much define me as of right now....

    I fell in love with and married a man who got their GED, is addicted to WOW, doesn't care how he makes a living although would love to make money with his music (guitar player)...you get the point.

    Well, my mom loves him, but she doesn't do a very good job hiding her disappointment with his lack of "career" goals. I personally don't care! Different things make different people happy, and thats what I want in life is for my friends and family to be happy. I recently said something like "when I'm making a good income as a doctor....my husband can quit his job and stay home with the kids and play music if he wants...i just want both of us to be happy...medicine makes me happy and music makes him happy, it just happens that what makes me happy pays well" Haha...she held her tongue,but I could tell she wasn't happy...but then again, she also thinks I should have dinner on the table by five, so I think shes stuck in the 50's..

    So...Yea, just had to rant. Thanks for listening
     
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  2. OP
    OP
    Doc Henry

    Doc Henry blowin' in the wind
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    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tired [​IMG]
    Are you sure you're really mad at your mom, and not just kind of masking your own unspoken disappointment in your husband?

    I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but the way your post is written, I don't really see what your mom did that would make you angry. From your post, all she did was express something "with her eyes" and didn't even say anything. And honestly, the way you describe your boyfriend/husband isn't exactly really positive (you kind of sound like you think he's lazy or not very smart).

    I'll just play devil's advocate and defend your mom: She raised an intelligent, motivated daughter who is directed and hard-working. You are on an impressive career track. She probably hoped that you would fall in love with someone who possessed a similar level of responsibility and work-ethic. It is not unreasonable that she might feel a little disappointed that you married someone you are planning to support. Gender equality has come a long way, but most parents (male and female) are still going to feel a little uncomfortable about their daughters being the sole breadwinner in their families.

    I'm guessing (or maybe hoping) that your husband is emotionally supportive, kind, thoughtful, and creative, which I would guess is why someone like you would fall for him in the first place. Emphasizing those qualities, both with your mother and yourself (and maybe on the internet), might make the situation more acceptable and understandable to everyone concerned.


    You are right in the way you perceived the post...However, I should have clarified-that is not how I see my husband...It is more a reflection of what has been pointed out to me by my mom and a few other people. We met before I was on this path so he didn't really know what he was getting himself into (being married to a premed/med student isn't easy!) and it didn't become apparent until after a few years how different our paths really were. We both decided the paths we chose mattered less than the way we felt.

    I know my husband is very smart, a lot smarter than me in a lot of ways. He is also hard working at whatever he does put his mind to...it just doesn't happen to be academics, which whether I like it or not, is what I was raised to think is important. I know he has stuck by me while I put us further and further into debt from school loans and made his life much harder than it would be if he weren't married to a student. I love coming home to someone who can remind me that school is not life. I don't really think marrying another premed student would have suited me as well because I might have lost sight of a lot of things that my husband helps me appreciate.

    I guess saying my mom pisses me off isn't the right way to put it. It just bothers me that it has been put in my head, as well as my moms and many others, that people who lack educational goals are somehow less accomplished. My husband proves that wrong, and it is good that I have gained a personal understanding of that fact that not everyone is interested in spending 8yrs of their life in school, nor is it necessary to do so to lead a fulfilled and meaningul life...but everytime I get the disapproving tone or look from my mom it hurts...I don't think that will ever change.
     
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  3. Faebinder

    Faebinder Slow Wave Smurf
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    As I subscribe to the ladder theory all the way... I understand why your mom and perhaps you would be disappointed in your husband... Till now, women are attracted to men's power/money more than all their qualities. It's natural, it's the way you are raised and she was raised. Her parents told her, "DONT MARRY A LOSER! MAKE SURE HE IS WELL OFF!"

    The only way for you stop these feelings from coming out is to explain that to your mother and yourself. You are not in the traditional role, you are the breadmaker.

    The only issue is, are you sure your husband is happy with his role? If so then you have what most physician women envy and would love to have, a husband willing to be the homemaker.
     
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  4. OP
    OP
    Doc Henry

    Doc Henry blowin' in the wind
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    I really appreciate your supportive comment. A lot of people have kinda torn me (and my husband) apart on the thread where I originally posted it. I am frustrated with the gender roles that society imposes on us...It dictates who we should and should not love and I just don't think its fair.

    Its hard to say exactly how my husband or I will feel in the roles we will be occupying...We aren't there yet and wont be for a while. As of right now I'm a broke student and he is supporting me, when the tables turn we'll see how it goes.

    Nobody said marriage was perfect or easy, but we knew that going in to it and are willing to put in the necessary work.
     
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  5. Sweenracer

    Sweenracer More Than Meets the Eye
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    My wife is a 2nd year Resident and although now my income supports us, she will eventually beat my Engineer's income. I also play guitar, and recently quit my band because I couldn't make practices because I was always busy with the kids because my wife is always working...

    I WISH my wife had the same attitude... I would love to quit my job. Take care of the kids a little, play some music, start-up the band, do a few gigs a week... My dream is build my own studio, do some recording, maybe record other bands for extra cash...

    I am not a loser, not lazy. I work hard. I like Engineering. I have a decent income. But, I can dream, right? I don't think she'd go for it though.
     
  6. OP
    OP
    Doc Henry

    Doc Henry blowin' in the wind
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    haha. its funny that you mention the studio. My husband and I were just talking about how cool it would be to have a studio in our house sometime later in life. I think people fail to realize how important music really is to musicians. I didn't realize it until meeting my husband, but it's obvious to me now that it is a passion, just like i have a passion for medicine.
     
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  7. Jiminy Cricket

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    I can hear the whips crackin....waapshhh! Waaaaaaaapshhhh!

    its her way or the highway buddy...lol!
     
  8. Wifty

    Wifty Eccentrically Silly
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    I am not the breadwinner and don't even have a particular career passion. I stay home now with our daughter.

    The above tends to be accepted if said by a female (me for instance), but not accepted for men. Its sexism.

    If someone has a passion, it shouldn't matter if they are the female or male.....they should follow it. If it happens to bring in the dough, extra awesome.

    And it shouldn't matter who is home watching the children....as long as they are happy with it and can give their love.

    I have met many a happy husband who is home with the children while the wife is a doctor. Its just bucking those society rules. But rules shouldn't interfer with happiness.

    with smiles,
    rebecca
     
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  9. psipsina

    psipsina Senior Member
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    My hubby is a trained actor and our plan is for him to quit his job as a waiter when I start bringing in a sizeable income so he can pursue his dream. He is very intelligent (his IQ is actually higher than mine), with boundless creativity and is a kind and compassionate man. Many of my relatives were initially disappointed in my choice because he has no advanced degrees and doesn't have the definite earning potential that has traditionally been seen as a desireable attribute in a husband, but as they have gotten to know him they have realized that he is a wonderful person despite not being successful in a career. He is supportive of my dream and not intimidated that I will likely have the higher income, as I am supportive of his dream and was never looking for a man as a means of financial support. A spouse is supposed to be your best friend who supports you emotionally and spiritually, as long as the bread is on the table who cares who brought it there? And who can say that one person's dream is more or less worthwhile than anothers? If you know in your heart that your marriage is supportive, loving and not holding you back from actualizing your potential than you have something that most people never attain, and you should cherish that and worry less about how other people judge it.
     
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  10. nibrocli

    nibrocli Senior Member
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    this is definitely a gender issue. men don't have to hear this kind of thing from their mothers if they choose to marry a woman who really wants to be a stay-at-home mom. which is a very difficult job, by the way.

    my sister is a dentist who married a cashier. he treats her great. they have 2 beautiful daughters, and he is fantastic with them. at first my family was not crazy about his lack of career, but he grew on us.

    think about women's roles in the 1950's. in another 50 years we won't even be talking about stuff like this (i hope).
     
  11. litebrite

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    I think it's great that you have been lucky enough to find such a wonderful man. It's very true that society looks down on these types of relationships, but you should do what makes the two of you happy.

    By being with someone who has a more flexible schedule, it helps maintain the sanity and preserve the balance. :thumbup:
     
  12. polofanPKP

    polofanPKP Fear the Vest
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    OP, let me preface this by saying that I think it is wonderful that you have found someone that makes you happy. Being able to attain some amount of balance is very difficult in med school when you stand alone, having someone their to support you and make you realize that although medicine is a huge part of your life, it is still just one part. Balance is a wonderful thing.

    I will also say that I have not yet been married, divorced, joined at the hip, etc.

    With that said, I am an individual rooted in logic and statistics. Unfortunately, in todays society, when marriages are stressed many of them crumble, this is true to an even greater degree with medicine.
    Now, before I go any further, I do not know you, or your husband. But please, do not throw out a blanket statement about me having no idea what I'm talking about and turn a blind eye to my following question.

    You say that you support you husband in his endeavors as he supports you in your medical career. But, if the unthinkable occured and he no longer supported you, would you happily hand over half of your net worth? Would you because he did support you during your early career, or would you not because you were the one fighting for your dream and it doesn't appear that he has or will in the near future entitle himself to any of your success?

    I thank you for what I hope is an honest response to what I believe is a serious question.

    I unfortunately am not impartial in the matter either. My father has divorced three times, and the divorce with my mother was particularly nasty. So I suppose you could say that my idea of the institution of marriage has been compromised.
     
  13. Dr.Jamie

    Dr.Jamie New Member
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    I think this can be a fairly common situation. I will be the breadwinner (if i get there) and I sort of want that. My significant other will get good jobs, and he has a good career, but family members of mine would much prefer me to be a doctor or a dentist. I don't want that. It can be hard to convince people that you're happy, when they have such a distorted view of happiness themselves. Many professional people are driven by money and success, which can be good and bad. I've had to realize myself that different things make different people happy, and you have to accept that. Right now, do what i'm doing, make yourself happy first, but consider your future at the same time. If you have someone that truly respects you and makes you happy, then you are far ahead of many others.
    With that said, you do have to consider your other half's financial situation, but don't look down on them for making different choices. Just because we picked a career that happens to make good money, doesn't mean we are better people. Its such a hard situation to be in, I know. But i'm sure you know in your heart what is best for you.
     

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