Time to burn Bridges ???

[The Cinnabon]

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Hello SDN I am now in quite the pickle.

The TL;DR of this situation is about 5 months ago I emailed a professor I wanted to work with and she got back to me saying she needed help and then completely ghosted me for 5 months. In the meantime I got involved with a PTSD lab I'm interested in but decided since I left my schedule so open this semester that I may dip my toes into some Neuroscience stuff as I may one day want that exposure (at this point I had assumed that the PI ghosting me was a fun way of saying to shove off).


(At this point it's worth mentioning my research interests are primarily in PTSD and the PI that ghosted me is another PTSD faculty member.)

I have yet to start in the Neuroscience lab and know that the PI that emailed me back after 5 months would be a much better research fit (I have essentially no actual classes this semester so I could feasibly commit to two labs at 20-30 hours each.)

So SDN how to unscrew myself from this pickle while burning the least amount of bridges.

 

[StellaB]

I'm trying to understand your situation, but there's a lot left unsaid, so here are my assumptions:
1 - You are an undergrad (??)
2 - You are still working with the PTSD lab you had already started in
3 - You have already made some level of commitment to work with the neuroscience lab (?)
4 - You'd prefer to work with the professor who "ghosted" you for 5 months (let's all keep in mind that Covid is horrendous for a lot of people, and it's not abnormal for a PI to "ghost" a student they have no actual established relationship with for a time if a family emergency came up, or even just because life is horrendously busy.

Have you already been trained / started working in the neuroscience lab, or do you just have an agreement that you will? If you haven't actually started, it's probably not a big deal to back out. But if they've already invested resources in you, it will probably ruffle feathers to leave. Similarly, are you at a good/natural stopping point with that one PTSD lab? If not, will you be at a good stopping point in the foreseeable future?

Have you tried the honesty approach? Depending on what level of career development / education you're at, it may not be that big of a deal to just explain to the various PIs what your career / education goals are, so that they understand your decision making.

 

[The Cinnabon]

I'm trying to understand your situation, but there's a lot left unsaid, so here are my assumptions:
1 - You are an undergrad (??)
2 - You are still working with the PTSD lab you had already started in
3 - You have already made some level of commitment to work with the neuroscience lab (?)
4 - You'd prefer to work with the professor who "ghosted" you for 5 months (let's all keep in mind that Covid is horrendous for a lot of people, and it's not abnormal for a PI to "ghost" a student they have no actual established relationship with for a time if a family emergency came up, or even just because life is horrendously busy.

Have you already been trained / started working in the neuroscience lab, or do you just have an agreement that you will? If you haven't actually started, it's probably not a big deal to back out. But if they've already invested resources in you, it will probably ruffle feathers to leave. Similarly, are you at a good/natural stopping point with that one PTSD lab? If not, will you be at a good stopping point in the foreseeable future?

Have you tried the honesty approach? Depending on what level of career development / education you're at, it may not be that big of a deal to just explain to the various PIs what your career / education goals are, so that they understand your decision making.

Oh yeah sorry for leaving out so many details, I'm still in an "oh ****" mindset currently.

1. Yes
2. Yes, there are two PTSD labs. One is very established (the one I'm actually in) and the other is being run by a new PI (the 5-month ghoster).
3. Not officially, but I interviewed and accepted the lab position. It was going to be finalized today as I toured the lab yesterday.
4. I would prefer as they align with my research interests directly, I had simply assumed after 5 months that they had no interest in working with me anymore (seeing how i'm a lowly undergrad, I don't know if I can be faulted for thinking this.)

I have no interest in leaving the established lab but had heard around the grapevine a few grad students from the newer lab may need some help with dissertations, that's when I started sending out emails.

The reality is I was just going to get involved in the Nuerolab as something to do and an interest in having some neuro experience. Having said that I am fully aware for both grad school admissions and my future career that working with the new PI who aligns with my research interests is the better plan. I'm just trying to figure out how to not royally piss off the Neuro Professor.

 

[StellaB]

The neuro professor might not be as pissed as you imagine - I would try just explaining the situation to them. All professors were college students at one point, and should understand. They may have another person they interviewed who you just beat out - and that person might be thrilled to get the spot.

 

[The Cinnabon]

The neuro professor might not be as pissed as you imagine - I would try just explaining the situation to them. All professors were college students at one point, and should understand. They may have another person they interviewed who you just beat out - and that person might be thrilled to get the spot.

Yup, I heeded your advice and sent an email, I explained the situation and how awkward of a position it placed me in. I'm really hoping they understand, I just feel bad for wasting their time at the end of the day.

Final Update: Grad student was super chill and completely understood with an open invitation to re-join the lab if I ever wanted.

 

[StellaB]

I’m very glad you found an amicable solution to the problem 😊

 

[wtfook]

Oh yeah sorry for leaving out so many details, I'm still in an "oh ****" mindset currently.

1. Yes
2. Yes, there are two PTSD labs. One is very established (the one I'm actually in) and the other is being run by a new PI (the 5-month ghoster).
3. Not officially, but I interviewed and accepted the lab position. It was going to be finalized today as I toured the lab yesterday.
4. I would prefer as they align with my research interests directly, I had simply assumed after 5 months that they had no interest in working with me anymore (seeing how i'm a lowly undergrad, I don't know if I can be faulted for thinking this.)

I have no interest in leaving the established lab but had heard around the grapevine a few grad students from the newer lab may need some help with dissertations, that's when I started sending out emails.

The reality is I was just going to get involved in the Nuerolab as something to do and an interest in having some neuro experience. Having said that I am fully aware for both grad school admissions and my future career that working with the new PI who aligns with my research interests is the better plan. I'm just trying to figure out how to not royally piss off the Neuro Professor.

I would caution against immediately labeling the person as a "ghoster" as another pointed out. Question, did you reach out again to that person in the 5 months they did not contact you? Or did you send the email, get no reply, and then just waited for 5 months without reaching out again? This is important as university faculty are very busy and get A LOT of emails. My own advisor has missed emails from me, completely unintentionally because he is just so completely swamped. It's best to get in the habit of not negatively attributing behaviors to something you did or something about you or you'll be really offended and hurt a lot but the vast majority of advisors and professors you end up working with.

The rule of thumb is to generally contact people again if you don't hear from them. I typically do this no more than 2 times for a new opportunity I'm really interested in and will give it time and space so I'm not being annoying. It's possible the person forgot to respond but meant to and then maybe a month went by before they realized it (this as happened to me as well). They feel embarrassed this happened and think, "Hm well it's been a month and there wasn't another email so maybe they found something else so it's fine." They then don't reach out for that reason or a different one but then 5 months later they have a space open up and think of you. "Hey I actually need a new RA and I remember that email from that one person I never responded to and who never followed up."

Sadly, until you're a faculty (and even when you become faculty), you'll have to pursue more than you are pursued.