Trembling

[neurona]

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I am trembling as I write this. I don't know why, but everytime I have a difficult time with my boyfriend, I come to this forum. Perhaps it is my way of venting. This love has lasted exactly a year yesterday. We have met each other's families, spent almost every day together, gone through thick and thin, and grown to love each other.

This is now on the rocks though... after he cheated on me in October, I haven't been able to trust him again, and he found out this morning that I checked his phone for calls (mysterious ones). He stormed out of the house (we don't live together--it was at his apartment) and he took away my key to his place. He said he couldn't trust me anyomore because I was invading his privacy.

I know I was wrong, but then a part of me feels like I had fears and that it was because of those that I did it. He doesn't want to see me for a few days and he's really stressed out because of surgery rotations.

I have a biostat exam this Friday and a ton of stuff going on...yet, the fear of losing him is killing me. I feel tortured. I feel sad and alone.

I feel like rolling on the floor and crying. I feel like running really fast. Why am I so afraid to lose him??

I'm going to the gym to burn off some energy. I feel so sad...

-D.

 

[madky]

Sort of been there done that on this one. Here is my thought: if a relationship after one year is causing you this much anxiety...if he's already cheated on you once and doesn't understand why you are suspicious and untrusting...then you need to really ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you think you deserve.

I was with someone for almost 7 years because I truly believed that it was as much as I could hope for (oh yeah, and I loved him). When I finally woke up, I realized I was better off alone than slowly watching my self-worth diminish and doing things I never thought I was capable of (I once read his emails to find out what he was REALLY thinking about "us").

Now that I'm married to someone else I can't believe I ever settled for anything less. Relationships are hard enough without taking away trust and respect.

 

[Law2Doc]

I am trembling as I write this. I don't know why, but everytime I have a difficult time with my boyfriend, I come to this forum. Perhaps it is my way of venting. This love has lasted exactly a year yesterday. We have met each other's families, spent almost every day together, gone through thick and thin, and grown to love each other.

This is now on the rocks though... after he cheated on me in October, I haven't been able to trust him again, and he found out this morning that I checked his phone for calls (mysterious ones). He stormed out of the house (we don't live together--it was at his apartment) and he took away my key to his place. He said he couldn't trust me anyomore because I was invading his privacy.

I know I was wrong, but then a part of me feels like I had fears and that it was because of those that I did it. He doesn't want to see me for a few days and he's really stressed out because of surgery rotations.

I have a biostat exam this Friday and a ton of stuff going on...yet, the fear of losing him is killing me. I feel tortured. I feel sad and alone.

I feel like rolling on the floor and crying. I feel like running really fast. Why am I so afraid to lose him??

I'm going to the gym to burn off some energy. I feel so sad...

-D.

Its only been a year, you guys should still be in the "honeymoon" stage. If he's already cheated on you and said "he doesn't trust you anymore" (pretty ironic) at this early juncture it is only going to be downhill from here. Exit visas are imminent.

 

[Peeshee]

Hi,Neurona,
Really sorry to hear that you are still suffering through this. I mean,after the episode of infidelity in October, did he tell you that it would never happen again, did he ask for your forgiveness? What did he say to you? If this issue has not been completely explained,understood, and cleared, then, it WILL continue to linger on in your relationship and eventually destroy it. It needs to be dealt with if it has not been done so yet.

He should not really get upset for your checking his phone calls, bec. he HAS lost your trust, and he should know it. Yes, it might be an invasion of his privacy, but you have a right to know. It is not good to be mistrusting though, and that is why he needs to talk to you about these issues so you can understand what is going on. It is definitely hard to get trust back that has been lost..Only with time will that happen, if you are willing to give it time.

Whenever you are able to speak to him/see him again, have a talk with him as to why you looked into his phone calls, explain to him the reasons why (that you had some fears,mistrust,etc.), and let him know that you do not like to be this way and you DO want to regain the trust you once had in him.

Whatever you do though, do NOT beg him to be with you. It seems as if he feels he has a right to do as he pleases, without regards to your feelings. You do NOT deserve to be trampled on like that. It is good that you have lots of things going on to keep you busy; do not let him bring you down.

 

[llort]

I am trembling as I write this. I don't know why, but everytime I have a difficult time with my boyfriend, I come to this forum. Perhaps it is my way of venting. This love has lasted exactly a year yesterday. We have met each other's families, spent almost every day together, gone through thick and thin, and grown to love each other.

This is now on the rocks though... after he cheated on me in October, I haven't been able to trust him again, and he found out this morning that I checked his phone for calls (mysterious ones). He stormed out of the house (we don't live together--it was at his apartment) and he took away my key to his place. He said he couldn't trust me anyomore because I was invading his privacy.

I know I was wrong, but then a part of me feels like I had fears and that it was because of those that I did it. He doesn't want to see me for a few days and he's really stressed out because of surgery rotations.

I have a biostat exam this Friday and a ton of stuff going on...yet, the fear of losing him is killing me. I feel tortured. I feel sad and alone.

I feel like rolling on the floor and crying. I feel like running really fast. Why am I so afraid to lose him??

I'm going to the gym to burn off some energy. I feel so sad...

-D.

this is exactly why women shouldnt be doctors, CEO, or high ranking politicians... no backbone. uhh, the dude cheated on you and you dont trust each other. sounds like you will have a happy life together. if you have any self esteem, you should say goodbye forever to him. otherwise prepare yourself for a life of being his second choice. sorry for the tough love sweettits, but sometimes the truth is best.

thanks

 

[SaraL124]

Sort of been there done that on this one. Here is my thought: if a relationship after one year is causing you this much anxiety...if he's already cheated on you once and doesn't understand why you are suspicious and untrusting...then you need to really ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you think you deserve.

I could not agree more with this poster. Do you actually think he'll continue to be faithful after he cheated on you once and you stayed with him. He is walking all over you--saying he doesn't trust YOU?! That is completely unacceptable behavior on his aprt and you should not stand for it.

 

[nabeya]

I am trembling as I write this. I don't know why, but everytime I have a difficult time with my boyfriend, I come to this forum. Perhaps it is my way of venting. This love has lasted exactly a year yesterday. We have met each other's families, spent almost every day together, gone through thick and thin, and grown to love each other.

This is now on the rocks though... after he cheated on me in October, I haven't been able to trust him again, and he found out this morning that I checked his phone for calls (mysterious ones). He stormed out of the house (we don't live together--it was at his apartment) and he took away my key to his place. He said he couldn't trust me anyomore because I was invading his privacy.

I know I was wrong, but then a part of me feels like I had fears and that it was because of those that I did it. He doesn't want to see me for a few days and he's really stressed out because of surgery rotations.

I have a biostat exam this Friday and a ton of stuff going on...yet, the fear of losing him is killing me. I feel tortured. I feel sad and alone.

I feel like rolling on the floor and crying. I feel like running really fast. Why am I so afraid to lose him??

I'm going to the gym to burn off some energy. I feel so sad...

-D.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. You sound like you love him very much. He's cheated on you once and it doesn't sound like he's regreting it, by the way he's treating you. Most guys we like the chase, so if he wants sometime apart give it to him. Show him that you can servive without him. Don't call him let him call you. You need to do things that will make you happy, like go out with your friends or exercise something just to keep your mind away from him. If he loves you he'll come back to you pleading on his knees. Otherwise, you need to just let him go, sweetie. 😳

 

[Smilemaker100]

I am trembling as I write this. I don't know why, but everytime I have a difficult time with my boyfriend, I come to this forum. Perhaps it is my way of venting. This love has lasted exactly a year yesterday. We have met each other's families, spent almost every day together, gone through thick and thin, and grown to love each other.

This is now on the rocks though... after he cheated on me in October, I haven't been able to trust him again, and he found out this morning that I checked his phone for calls (mysterious ones). He stormed out of the house (we don't live together--it was at his apartment) and he took away my key to his place. He said he couldn't trust me anyomore because I was invading his privacy.

I know I was wrong, but then a part of me feels like I had fears and that it was because of those that I did it. He doesn't want to see me for a few days and he's really stressed out because of surgery rotations.

I have a biostat exam this Friday and a ton of stuff going on...yet, the fear of losing him is killing me. I feel tortured. I feel sad and alone.

I feel like rolling on the floor and crying. I feel like running really fast. Why am I so afraid to lose him??

I'm going to the gym to burn off some energy. I feel so sad...

-D.

First of all, how do you know for a fact that your b-friend cheated on you? How do you know that the "mysterious calls" may not be from a chick who may be obsessed with your b-friend and who he is not interested in?

Secondly, how old are you? There are always plenty of fish in the sea...just don't act too desparately. Give your b-friend his space and leave him alone. If it was meant to be, let him come back to you. You shouldn't feel like he is the only guy for you and that if you don't have him you will die. People are not possessions! As hard as it is to accept, you have to let him go and learn not to be too attached. Losing someone may translate in getting your own self back- an opportunity to grow and build your own happiness.

I think the reason why you feel sad at the thought of losing him is that you are giving him the power to control your happiness. In reality, no person other than yourself has control over your happiness. You'll grow through this experience. As corny as it sounds it is true. When I had a major break up, I didn't realize that it was a good thing at first. It was an extremely difficult time because I was feeling and thinking exactly what you are. It's normal to go through a "mourning process" after the end of a relationship but at some point, you have to move on and LIVE!

Exercise will definitely help you as well as having friends or family members who will lend a sympathetic ear. I find that writing is an especially "releasing process." It may be a good idea to keep a daily journal to deal with your feelings. And if you are artistic, you can express your sorrow in whatever artistic form attracts you. Finally, it may be a good idea to get in touch with your spiritual/religious side.

 

[CoffeeMug]

after he cheated on me in October

How do you know it only happened once? (The answer is that you have no idea)

yet, the fear of losing him is killing me. I feel tortured. I feel sad and alone.

Lady, you've already lost him. He accepts your food, your service (from what I understand you clean, do laundry, etc.) and your bed (it may be his apartment but it's YOUR bed) when he needs it and has a life of his own when he doesn't. Have you no sense of dignity?

~Neurona~Girlfriend of an MIII~

Are you content with defining yourself as someone else's girlfriend, a domestic animal, really? You need to find out this second how enormously bigger the world is than his apartment. Enough life is wasted, it's especially terrible if it's self inflicted. Stop being someone's pet and become a Human Being you were born to be. Excercise the greatest gift you've been given: free will. What you're doing is amazing if it was appreciated, but clearly it isn't.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mindkiller. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

 

[apgmph]

i agree with the other posts. you deserve better. if you don't mind me asking...what made you stay with him after he cheated on you? the fact he cheated says alot. it seems like you love him tremendously...but is it really worth all this stress? it seems to me that he's not ready to fess up to what he's done to you by cheating and actually, he's turning it around on you by saying he can't trust you. how are you supposed to trust him? he cheated! that should have been the end of the relationship then! i beleive that if a person can cheat once, they can do again! apparently, the relationship doesn't mean that much to him. i think you need to ask yourself why you're staying with him when you can't trust him and are so stressed out in this relationship. also, i understand you stayed in the relationship...but have you really forgiven him for cheating?

 

[shivalrous]

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Don't do yourself wrong. If he can't explain his phone calls to you, then there's a problem...he's already suspect. Do the right thing.

 

[Eyegirl2k7]

I know that sometimes you love people so much that you will overlook a lot of things about them that you shouldn't overlook. You will let them treat you badly and for some reason, even though other people tell you that the other person is bad for you; you can't see it. But trust me, it will eventually take your self esteem and your dignity, and sometimes it will seem like your sanity as well.. Neurona, as hard as it is right now, do consider breaking it off and being good to yourself. I let a similar situation go on for almost a year before I finally stopped trying to be with this person. It's hell. He was my best friend. It's hard (I'm trying to get through it right now) but every day is a little bit easier.
Good luck and feel free to pm me if you want to🙂
Eyegirl.

 

[dswonger]

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Don't do yourself wrong. If he can't explain his phone calls to you, then there's a problem...he's already suspect. Do the right thing.

You are going through the motions of grief for this relationship. If you will listen to your heart!, you already know what to do. I know it is easy to look upon these threads for someone to tell you and confirm to you what you already know what to do. The sooner you do it, the happier you will be.

And to get on the soap box! There is nothing...and I mean nothing...more important than your self-worth. Quit looking outside yourself for happiness (who you're with) Pride goeth before the fall!!!

Find an Alpha Course near you and attend it. Google search it and look up Nikki Gumble and Alpha!

May the Peace of the Lord always be with you!

 

[LADoc00]

neurona you are in need of serious help. All other advice needs to fall by the wayside for one big point: Get a grip!

Thanks

 

[jennie 21]

Neurona,
It isn't supposed to be this hard. Really. In good relationships, it isn't this hard most of the time. Yes, "relationships are work", but the good stuff has got to outweigh the hard times...if it doesn't, why are you in the relationship to begin with? A year isn't very long to be going out with somebody...I have to agree with Law2Doc that you guys should still be in the honeymoon stage (if the relationship was right, that is). The fact that you guys are having so much trouble early on, and that he's already cheated on you, is a clear sign that this relationship isn't meant to be (and that he's a jerk and you deserve much better). Seriously.

If he's cheated on you once already, it's a pretty sure bet that he will do (or already is doing) it again. Is that what you want in a relationship? Is this how you want to be treated? It's not you, it's him, and he's not gonna change because he doesn't want to. Go find someone else who treats you better than this. It's ironic that HE "doesn't trust" YOU; it should be the other way around. If he doesn't understand why him cheating on you would make you suspicious and insecure and gets mad because you checked his phone then he's not really sorry that he cheated on you. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if blowing up at you, saying he doesn't trust you, and taking away your key to his apartment isn't part of a plan to a) distract you and b) cover his tracks, because he's cheating again.

Seriously, that could be a very good explanation for why he doesn't want you to have a key to his place anymore...could be he's having another girl over there on the side and doesn't want you to walk in on them, but by accusing you and saying he "doesn't trust you" anymore he shifts the focus off of him and makes you start defending yourself and wanting to prove that you "trust him". Then he can exploit that trust to his own advantage. Maybe I'm being paranoid here...but there are guys out there who are habitual cheaters and who operate like that. I'm not saying that your guy is necessarily cheating on you right now, but given that he's done it once and that he suddenly doesn't want you to have a key to his apartment, I think you have to consider that possibility.

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, and you deserve much better. He has most of the power in this relationship; you are the one agonizing over losing him, while he is the one who is treating you badly. That's not a good position to be in. You can find a much more equal, much more loving relationship with a guy who will treat you much better than this, but it's not going to be this guy. I'm sorry if this post comes across as harsh. I don't know you, and I don't know your situation, and maybe I'm sticking my head in where it doesn't belong. I don't mean to come across as harsh or to make you feel worse about things or like you're stupid for being in this relationship (you're not, by the way, many smart capable women do this to themselves at some point) but I don't want to sugarcoat the truth either. This guy isn't good for you, and you deserve (AND CAN FIND!) much better. Good luck, Neurona, and I hope you take my post in the spirit in which it's intended. Not to kick your butt, but to help you wake up and realize that you deserve to be treated better than this! Good luck!

 

[Peeshee]

I hope Neurona gets to read all the advice/suggestions people are giving her;it's all very good.

One thing though is that it is difficult to be IN a relationship and having the ability to see what is wrong with the relationship. It is much easier for those that are not in it to see the bad points. Also, once you get out of a relationship, you look back and that is when you truly notice what was not right.

So,maybe stepping back (away) for a while (if not for good) will be helpful for you, Neurona.

 

[newportjen]

I am brand new to this forum and I don't even know you. What I do know however, being married to a medical resident is that things are only going to get harder! Being in a relationship with a medical student is a lot of work and sacrifice. You need an incredibly strong foundation to survive and it sounds like yours is already crumbling. I'm not trying to be nonchalant because I understand that you are heartbroken. What I'm suggesting is to get out now before you destroy yourself even more. You seem so unhappy and stressed out. I suggest calling things off yourself. Try to end things amicably. If you are still thinking about him years from now (after he's done with school), look him up then. If it was meant to be, it will be. You deserve to be happy, so be happy. This guy is not ready to commit and speaking from experience, he simply is not going to have time for you. Good luck! Jen

 

[apgmph]

hey neurona!! hope you got to read these posts.

hopefully, things are looking up for you. how are things going now??

 

[Dentist2B'sGF]

Hey Neurona.. how's it going? Things get any better? You definitely need to address the "Trust" issue with him...because it seems to me that he doesn't have too much of a right to get mad at YOU about trust...when he hasn't done too much to help you TRUST HIM. The only reason why you went through his "phone" is because he gave you a reason in October to NOT TRUST HIM... trust is something that you should just HAVE it's something you EARN... he obviously hasn't done enough to EARN your trust again. I hope things look up for you.

 

[myfavred]

I am glad that you are recovering.

 

[Peeshee]

Neurona,

That's GREAT that you made this decision for yourself! You must feel a lot better now! Whatever you do, don't let yourself go back to him, even if he is acting all sweet and loving to you!! And I DO think he'll try this trick, but DON'T fall for his little schemes!

You are right - it is a shame to be a medical student/doctor without ethics and a good sense of morality! But, this will just show up not only in their personal lives but also in their practice! They will probably be the ones going out with/dating their patients!

Enjoy your FREEDOM! You are still very young and have many opportunities ahead of you! Take this as an experience in your life and learn from it and use it to YOUR benefit! You will become a stronger person that way.

 

[MedicineBird]

NO LONGER A GIRLFRIEND OF AN MS 3!!!!!!! MY SOUL IS NOW RELIEVED.

WAY TO GO!!!!! It's a tough lesson but good that you learned it and moved on instead of strapping yourself to a pig for say 40 years and giving him children. My very first thought now is GO GET CHECKED FOR STI's/STD's and do it again in 6 months.

 

[CoffeeMug]

I used to be a girl who was totally independent, but when K came into my life, I latched onto him because I fell in love.

Happens to the best of us 🙂

Instead of being like a vulture or wanting to take anything from him, I took on this role of caregiver. I washed his clothes, paid for many things, gave him thousands of dollars worth of gifts, and gave him my whole body and my heart. Today I ask myself, "What the F%^& was I thinking???"

It's not like any of that stuff is the wrong thing to do. It's just human nature to walk over people that let us walk over them. It tends to run in the unconscious level and is very hard to keep yourself from doing. You can fully give yourself to people but you still have to keep the devil inside them from taking your dignity.

My mom, who had once been a politician in Mexico, was now scrubbing floors for a living in the US.

Many engineers and rocket scientists and doctors and teachers met the same fate (I'm an immigrant so none of this is foreign [pun intended] to me). Congratulations with reaching the American dream. You can now move to Europe and work to live instead of living to work 🙂

It's not like I'm ugly or unnatractive or stupid.

Could we see a picture? 🙂 Seriously, it's always interesting to attempt to match an internet identity with a real photograph.

I am diappointed that such med students who are k's friends are actually going to become doctors. Aren't doctors supposed to be healers??? Shouldn't they be mature?? Shouldn't they NOT be driving drunk (which they do a lot) or SLEEPING AROUND???

A professional is supposed to be really really really good at what he does. Their personal life is, well, personal. Ironically many of the most outstanding professionals (in any field) are actually really crappy people. If they turn out to be excellent surgeons, why would their patients care if they drink or sleep around (assuming that's wrong, many cultures wouldn't believe so) or put their own lives in danger?

They say that a guitar (or instrument) is a true best friend... because it never leaves you and is there with you through thick and thin.

May be get a pet (if living conditions permit)? Quit wasting time with the dumbells and join some martial arts? It's fascinating when a fragile woman can defend herself against a 250 pound man and it isn't an urban legend. A good read by an excellent author in a genre you're unlikely to have read before is always a great idea. The world your yours.