Turning Down My Only Acceptance

[dragonmate]

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Well...I just received an acceptance from my state school, but got rejected from the school where my fiance attends dental school. I want to retake the MCAT and reapply to that school EDP, following the advice from that school's admissions director. It was so bittersweet opening that big envelope...I knew what was enclosed. And I was sooo tempted to send in the deposit that very minute, but I can't. I know that I can improve my MCAT score and get into med school while at the same time salvaging my relationship. It's not the end of the world. Good luck to everyone.

 

[medhacker]

Well...I just received an acceptance from my state school, but got rejected from the school where my fiance attends dental school. I want to retake the MCAT and reapply to that school EDP, following the advice from that school's admissions director. It was so bittersweet opening that big envelope...I knew what was enclosed. And I was sooo tempted to send in the deposit that very minute, but I can't. I know that I can improve my MCAT score and get into med school while at the same time salvaging my relationship. It's not the end of the world. Good luck to everyone.

Tough call, best wishes!


.

 

[dragonmate]

Tough call, best wishes!


.

Thanks medhacher. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I can only hope that no one else has to make such a decision in this process.

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Go to the school. If she really cares about you, then she'll work with you to make things work. If not, then chalk it up to a learning experience.

 

[unicorn06]

Well...I just received an acceptance from my state school, but got rejected from the school where my fiance attends dental school. I want to retake the MCAT and reapply to that school EDP, following the advice from that school's admissions director. It was so bittersweet opening that big envelope...I knew what was enclosed. And I was sooo tempted to send in the deposit that very minute, but I can't. I know that I can improve my MCAT score and get into med school while at the same time salvaging my relationship. It's not the end of the world. Good luck to everyone.

Why did you even apply to your state school if you weren't willing to go? That seems like a waste of time/money to me. Another possible option: does your state school have a dental program? Maybe your fiancee could transfer? You never know if you'll get into her school EDP next year...

 

[Em1]

Sorry, this was bugging me. The op said fiance, which means male.

Dragonmate, I understand what a difficult decision that is. Best of luck to you and your future husband and getting in his school next year!

 

[unicorn06]

Oops, my mistake. You're right, it did say fiance, not fiancee. I'm sorry. 😳

 

[Jaider]

Well...I just received an acceptance from my state school, but got rejected from the school where my fiance attends dental school. I want to retake the MCAT and reapply to that school EDP, following the advice from that school's admissions director. It was so bittersweet opening that big envelope...I knew what was enclosed. And I was sooo tempted to send in the deposit that very minute, but I can't. I know that I can improve my MCAT score and get into med school while at the same time salvaging my relationship. It's not the end of the world. Good luck to everyone.

Oooh, that's my pet peeve. I hate to see women consistently make sacrifices for their men. It's rare to see the opposite. Be careful. In all honesty, I hope your relationship lasts forever and that your sacrifice is well worth it. One of my best friends turned down her favored med school to go to a D.O. school in some crappy midwest state because her fiance was accepted to law school there. They got divorced six months later, and she was stuck at a D.O. school in the midwest. Oops.

 

[FictionalGirl]

I agree Jaider, but i t hink its a matter of timing. men are usually older than the women they'er with so they start applying to things and getting involved with graduate school earlier. so the woman ends up having to follow. I used to think it was just that women are more willing to give up stuff for a relationship, and while i still think that's the case, I think timing matters more than you'd think. I'm going to be accepted to medical school before my boyfriend applies to graduate programs, and he's going to be coming with me where I get accepted and is going to apply to programs in the area. Of course, if he can't get in anywhere he'll go where he gets in and we'll just have to figure it out, but at least the effort will be made.

Just make sure that if you do this, it's a guy who would do the opposite for you. Maybe there IS a dental school in the area? Or have you asked him what he'll do after he graduates and you're in the area for med school? Will he leave during your last two years to follow his career? or will he then return the favor and stay.

GOOD LUCK AND MUCH HAPPINESS!

Oooh, that's my pet peeve. I hate to see women consistently make sacrifices for their men. It's rare to see the opposite. Be careful. In all honesty, I hope your relationship lasts forever and that your sacrifice is well worth it. One of my best friends turned down her favored med school to go to a D.O. school in some crappy midwest state because her fiance was accepted to law school there. They got divorced six months later, and she was stuck at a D.O. school in the midwest. Oops.

😍 😍 😍

 

[Jaider]

Timing is a factor, I agree, but not necessarily in my friends' cases. My very best friend gave up a great residency this year to stay home with her boyfriend, who doesn't finish his degree until next year. I still think the biggest factor in this phenomenon is the woman's tendency to be more accommodating. Hell, I've made that mistake before myself... several times. I delayed my own application for a few years trying to accommodate my man (actually two different men). Last year I skipped the August MCAT to go on a dream date, and the b*stard broke up with me a month later! ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. But if he'd take me back right now, I'd run and jump in his arms. 😳 Women are so dumb. 🙂

 

[Risa]

Is there a downside to holding your state acceptance until May? By then, you'll even know how well you feel you did on the MCAT!

 

[Jaider]

One more thing...

I was told that it looks very bad to turn down an acceptance-- that it might count against you when you apply next year.

True?

 

[Pewl]

HAHAHAHAHA see, this is why you don't get involved in serious relationships til after you get into med school. I've turned down numerous opportunities because I seriously believed that it wouldn't be realistic trying to make anything work right now until it is established where I'm gonna be next year.

 

[Jaider]

Pewl, for the same reason I no longer date. I refuse to date until I'm settled in med school, because who knows where I could potentially be moving next year, and who knows whether I'd be weak and turn down a great opportunity for the sake of a relationship-- that might go sour at any time. Even if the relationship lasted for ten years, at the end of it I'd think: "I turned down Harvard for you, you piece of @%#!" 😀

 

[nev]

Pewl, for the same reason I no longer date. I refuse to date until I'm settled in med school, because who knows where I could potentially be moving next year, and who knows whether I'd be weak and turn down a great opportunity for the sake of a relationship-- that might go sour at any time. Even if the relationship lasted for ten years, at the end of it I'd think: "I turned down Harvard for you, you piece of @%#!" 😀

I agree with Jaider... 👍

 

[humuhumu]

Well...I just received an acceptance from my state school, but got rejected from the school where my fiance attends dental school. I want to retake the MCAT and reapply to that school EDP, following the advice from that school's admissions director. It was so bittersweet opening that big envelope...I knew what was enclosed. And I was sooo tempted to send in the deposit that very minute, but I can't. I know that I can improve my MCAT score and get into med school while at the same time salvaging my relationship. It's not the end of the world. Good luck to everyone.

Tough call. There are many people who would kill for an acceptance from Utah, especially this early in the season. Great school, great location. Unless you're 100% sure about your decision and your relationship, I'd consider holding onto your acceptance until May....

 

[Pewl]

Well...I just received an acceptance from my state school, but got rejected from the school where my fiance attends dental school. I want to retake the MCAT and reapply to that school EDP, following the advice from that school's admissions director. It was so bittersweet opening that big envelope...I knew what was enclosed. And I was sooo tempted to send in the deposit that very minute, but I can't. I know that I can improve my MCAT score and get into med school while at the same time salvaging my relationship. It's not the end of the world. Good luck to everyone.

Dragonmate: your decisions about your life should be based on YOU right now, and no one else. A relationship can be fleeting. Whether you like to think about it or not, people are emotionally fickle and you can always find someone else. But, med school can easily be a once in a lifetime opportunity and your med school future will be in YOUR hands. Unlike a relationship your med school experience will be dictated entirely by YOU.

Keep your priorities straight, and good luck =P

 

[ShyRem]

If he loves you and the relationship is right, it would have survived being at separate schools.

 

[Flopotomist]

Instead of turning down the acceptance, why not defer it a year (if possible) that way, next year you have at least one guaranteed acceptance in case you don't get into where you want to go. Good luck!

 

[ShyRem]

I agree with Flop.

 

[DrHuang]

flop has a great point

 

[CircleTheDrain]

Instead of turning down the acceptance, why not defer it a year (if possible) that way, next year you have at least one guaranteed acceptance in case you don't get into where you want to go. Good luck!

I agree Flopotomist is 100% right as usual! 😎

 

[Doctor Bagel]

I would not turn down the acceptance until the last minute because things change, and it's always good to hedge your bets. Also, it's true that your relationship can survive for four years of separation, and since your fiance has already started dental school, why can't he move to Utah while you're still finishing up school?

 

[jbrice1639]

Instead of turning down the acceptance, why not defer it a year (if possible) that way, next year you have at least one guaranteed acceptance in case you don't get into where you want to go. Good luck!

best. idea. ever.

 

[QofQuimica]

If he loves you and the relationship is right, it would have survived being at separate schools.

Instead of turning down the acceptance, why not defer it a year (if possible) that way, next year you have at least one guaranteed acceptance in case you don't get into where you want to go.

I agree that either of these two suggestions is infinitely better than what you are contemplating. Giving up your acceptance for a relationship is a huge mistake. Relationships, even marriages, come and go, but that piece of paper is yours for life. I hope you will reconsider, unless you have decided that med school is no longer what you want to do.

 

[Jaider]

Sadly, I'm pretty sure that Utah doesn't allow deferment. At least they didn't a few years back when I asked.

But if you're 100% sure you're not going to attend, I say be fair to your fellow applicants and drop your acceptance now instead of holding on to it until May. You could be saving the sanity of at least one person who really wants to go to Utah who would otherwise have to wait in agony until May to get off the waitlist. (This coming from a person who thinks its agonizing to wait even a month or two. The waiting sucks more than anything.)

 

[seadizzle]

I agree with Q

Follow YOUR dream.

You earned the acceptance, take it. In four years I think things will look very different for you, you will be out ( and into residency 😛 ) and able to support yourself with a great career.

Relationships seem like they are the one more often than they are. If it really is the one, then it will survive four years. If not, you weren't held back by him and are a doctor.

 

[lilybriscoe]

I just cannot resist posting. I am a fouth year med student and I would encourage you to go to your state school. If it is your dream to become a physician, take this golden opportunity. There is no guarantee it will come again. I would say deferring is your second best option.
Best of luck to you and your fiance, too. I imagine he will understand your dream as you understand his.
👍

 

[riceman04]

Instead of turning down the acceptance, why not defer it a year (if possible) that way, next year you have at least one guaranteed acceptance in case you don't get into where you want to go. Good luck!

But normally dont you have to have extenuating circumstances to get an acceptance defered?

I hate to say it but I think that you should just got to the school this year and try to transfer next year.....I know love is love and normally nothing will stand between you and the person you love (and want to spend the REST of your life with).....that being said, you being away from her should not have that big of an effect on your relationship, right?

The op has worked too hard to take a chance next year!!!!! You could end up giving up what you have worked so hard for....you never know what will happen in a year....nothing is ever promised!!!!

Oh, whoops! I am talking to the OP for most of this and also (after addressing flop)

 

[Doctor Bagel]

Relationships seem like they are the one more often than they are. If it really is the one, then it will survive four years. If not, you weren't held back by him and are a doctor.

Also, giving up an acceptance to a great school (and potentially giving up your chances at being a doctor) could cause a huge wedge in your relationship. Who knows, you might wind up resenting your fiance and regretting that you didn't accept this offer. Actually, the chance of this happening is not small at all, so you might give up your acceptance and still damage your relationship anyway.

 

[Minerva25]

One more thing...

I was told that it looks very bad to turn down an acceptance-- that it might count against you when you apply next year.

True?

Just don't make a point of it. I applied and was accepted to a school right out of college, but didn't go because it wasn't the ONE school that I wanted. That acceptance never came up after that. I don't think the schools have any record of it at all. No fear!

 

[Jaider]

Just don't make a point of it. I applied and was accepted to a school right out of college, but didn't go because it wasn't the ONE school that I wanted. That acceptance never came up after that. I don't think the schools have any record of it at all. No fear!

I thought it might matter because it seems like most of the secondaries I've filled out ask if you've ever applied to medical school (that particular one or others) and some specifically ask whether you've been accepted. Maybe trying to identify transfer students?

I've also read in numerous admissions guidebooks never to decline a position. I'd assume that's conservative advice-- i.e. don't push your luck and risk losing what is potentially going to be your only acceptance ever.

 

[crzyemeni]

keep it.

doctor > lawyer

med school > law school

i have my biases, but giving up your only med school acceptance is almost like giving your kid up for adoption ---> only a crackhead would do it.

 

[quideam]

To the OP - PLEASE do NOT give up your acceptance!! I was in a very serious relationship two years ago when I was picking between two schools - a dream school and my state school that I really disliked. I ALMOST chose the state school to be with the guy (who was a med student at the state school), but in the end decided to go with the dream school. Well, the relationship did not work out for other reasons, and I actually ended up getting off a waitlist for an even better school (for me) which was ironically closer to home. Go figure.

Long story short: please don't give up med school for your fiancee. If he's already in dental school, then at the most you guys will be apart for three years. I'm currently engaged (to a wonderful, wonderful guy) and he's a grad student in California while i'm in med school in NY. We're doing the long distance thing for a year and a half, but that's the only way he and I can both do what we need and want to do. I'm telling you, do NOT give up your state school - you have no idea whether you'll get into the other school next year (the deans lie/mislead all the time!) and like others have said, you have no idea whether you will even get the opportunity to attend med school - any med school - ever again.

Good luck, but think very, very hard about this one. This is your career we're talking about.

Q

 

[studentstudent]

I like a lot of the suggestions already, mainly because if it doesn't work out with applying next year, you'll never forgive yourself, and worse, you'll hold a grudge against him. It'll come out every time you guys have an argument or a fight. Every single time.

And honestly, if you're in med school and he's in dental school, what's the likelihood of you guys spending more than maybe the weekend together anyway?

 

[Rendar5]

tough love time for the OP:
You are a ****ing idiot if u drop that acceptance w/o having another one in hand. Furthermore, you are a ****ing idiot if you applied to a place you had no intention of going to.

For what i would say if I weren't in a tough love mood, go look at everyone else who isn't agreeing w/ ur decision. and screw other pre-meds sanity. someone can wait another 5 months to be picked off the waitlist when you don'ot accept the application. the outcome is the same.

 

[Callogician]

I am a first year medical student, and my ex-girlfriend and I broke over the past summer in large part as a sequela of the fact that I had planned to attend medical school 2,500 miles away from her. We communicated openly about the issue, and I told her that I would choose medical school over her months in advance. I made that decision based on my subjective interpretation of the importance of my romantic relationship and the importance of medical school.

I may sound cold and stoic, but make no mistake: my ex-girlfriend is a wonderful woman. She is sexy, brilliant, and sugar, spice, and everything nice. She is likely better than any woman that I will ever meet. I have a very low opinion of women in medical school because I compare them to her (women in medical school are generally bitchy and very demanding by comparison). Also, I will likely remain single for several years because I am introverted and busy with studies. This is a tremendous sacrifice for me, but I am confident that I made the right decision.

I would encourage you to make a decision based on your own subjective interpretations. Each individual is unique, and only a fool makes an important decision rashly.

 

[Kiroro]

I agree with what exlawgrrl said earlier. Don't reject your acceptance yet. You still have so much time till mid May (the dead line).

Talk with your fiance, and also your family about this. I'm sure your parents could give you an adivice that's of best interest to you.

Good luck!

 

[C.P. Jones]

so am i the only person that didn't know that fiance and fiancee are used for the male and female? that's pretty sad...for me...

but i would go to the med school...anyway, who's life is it?

 

[LabMonster]

Your career, not hers. Take the acceptance and don't be an dingus, there are people here who would love to be in your position.

 

[gujuDoc]

so am i the only person that didn't know that fiance and fiancee are used for the male and female? that's pretty sad...for me...

but i would go to the med school...anyway, who's life is it?

No you are not the only one. I didn't know. I always had use confusing in getting the spelling down.

To the OP:

I would listen to the person that said defer if you can. If you can't then give the deposit, you can always turn them down in May if you really don't want to go and you want to reapply and cannot defer for a year.

And last but not least, see if there's a dental program for which he can transfer to in your home state if you don't get other acceptances. If that's the case, then get him to try to transfer, cuz it is probably better that way.

A girl I know did this recently. She used to go to one of the state schools and then got married to a guy doing residency or medical school up at a top ten medical school, so she transferred out there for clinical years. It worked out fine. See if he can do something similar.

 

[robotsonic]

Don't give up the acceptance. If you love the place then you should go there. You and your fiance can live with a long-distance relationship for a couple of years. When I started med school, my boyfriend (now husband) didn't get a job in the same city, so we ended up having a long-distance relationship for almost 2 years. Yes, it sucks, but it doesn't suck as much as you think it will, and you do get through it.
Also, when I was applying to med school and asked my boyfriend if he would want me to choose my school based on where he would be, he said absolutely not. He said he would never want me to sacrifice my career for the relationship, because he knew it would lead to resentment later on, and he wanted me to be happy in my career choices. (What a great guy 😍 ) Maybe your fiance hasn't said this, but he probably feels this way. When you really care about someone, you don't want to see them sacrifice the things that make them happy.

 

[EvoDevo]

Instead of turning down the acceptance, why not defer it a year (if possible) that way, next year you have at least one guaranteed acceptance in case you don't get into where you want to go. Good luck!

Bad call. You can't apply again next cycle while already accepted [we're talking about within the AAMC system]. When the OP reapplies next year he'll have to indicate if he's been accepted, right? If so, it's my opinion that:

1. No school would accept him, and
2. The school where he currently holds the acceptance could very well withdraw the offer.

To the OP: hold off on making any decision until May, then see where both your relationship and life are headed. Also, what year is she in school? If you guys would only have to be separated for a year or so, then it wouldn't be so bad. FWIW, lots of folks in my class are in LDRs and while tough, they seem to be managing.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[thegenius]

Wow, what a laydown. That is like laying down AK when you raise before the flop and the flop comes 33K and the other person who called your pre-raise flop re-raised your raise on the flop.

(Something I did recently, and ended up winning the satellite tournament.)

 

[thegenius]

Dragonmate: your decisions about your life should be based on YOU right now, and no one else. A relationship can be fleeting. Whether you like to think about it or not, people are emotionally fickle and you can always find someone else. But, med school can easily be a once in a lifetime opportunity and your med school future will be in YOUR hands. Unlike a relationship your med school experience will be dictated entirely by YOU.

Keep your priorities straight, and good luck =P

I would be careful what you say...this is her fiance.

In addition, I don't know why some people suggest straining a relationship by living in separate cities if you think it is a strong relationship? You will almost certainly have more problems with your relationship being apart than being close, and medical school is difficult as well. I would think you want as much emotional and physical support as you can possibly get during this time. Being geographically separated would only intensify one's loneliness, would it not?

(This is coming from someone who has been married for 3 years and has a 9 month-old son.)

 

[thegenius]

I agree that either of these two suggestions is infinitely better than what you are contemplating. Giving up your acceptance for a relationship is a huge mistake. Relationships, even marriages, come and go, but that piece of paper is yours for life. I hope you will reconsider, unless you have decided that med school is no longer what you want to do.

I respect you and your posts immensely, but this advice is mind-boggling! And I know you are around my age, and not someone who is young and more inexperienced in matters of love and relationships.

I think about this in the exact opposite way. A marriage (and potential family) offers some exponential additional amount of love, compassion, committment, and various other good things that a job cannot have. In the big picture, as you age with your spouse and your children, 40, 50, 60, 70+ years of age, the most important times of your life will occur with the existence and support of your family.

Statistically, marriages do come and go, about 50% of them. But if you believe in the sacrament of marriage and the vows you make to each other, then no, I disagree with you that a career is something you should take in favor of a relationship.

I don't know what's right for the OP, but I do think rejecting an acceptance this early in the application cycle is not recommended. Hold onto it until the last possible moment, and discuss your options with your fiance.

 

[dynx]

1. You CANNOT apply to other schools while defering an acceptance to another, the school you have been accepted to will make you agree not to.
2. You CAN apply after turning down an acceptance but I think it looks bad.
3. Snap the F*ck out of it, if she's a year into dental school already then you're appart for 2 years max, if your relationship can't handle that then dont even DREAM of getting married to this girl.
4. Best plan of action: Take the acceptance. If your wedding date is within a year call the school near hers and ask if they make arrangments for transfers between married couples, Ive seen this done twice so its not uncommon. If your wedding date is more than a year out or you haven't even set one yet then get someone punch you in the face cause you're a douche bag.

ps. I hate when engagments last 8 years....You're not engaged you're dating and wearing a ring dumb f*ck.

 

[dragonmate]

Wow. Thanks to everyone for your suggestions. The esence of this post has really captured the essence of our 21st century obsession with independent women not following their men, etc. All of what you have said is entirely correct ASSUMING that my career is more important to me than being with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. What good is being a physician if you have no one to come home to after your 12 hour shift?
I have been dating my fiance for 3 years...the hard work I had put into my premedical years is equivilent to the hard work I put into this relationship, so I wouldn't be losing anything more one way or the other. BTW, it would be three years until he finishes dental school and he is not willing to keep up a long distance relationship. And no, he can't transfer here because there is no dental school here.
I think I will see what happens in May. By then I would've taken the MCAT again and would have a pretty good idea of how I did (I was on the nail last time). Thanks again for all your help.
BTW, for those of you that wondered why I applied to a school I had no intention of attending: I DID have intentions of attending...I just haven't made up my mind yet, and it happens more often than you think.

 

[dynx]

he is not willing to keep up a long distance relationship.

From this alone I predict nothing but smiles for you from here on out.

How did this conversation go anyway:
"I love you with all me heart and want to spend the rest of my life with you"
"Will you love me when Im old and demented?"
"Yes"
"Will you love me if I become paralyzed?"
"yes"
"will you be willing to spend three years commited to eachother but appart for a long distance like many other couples have been able to do in the past?"
"ummmmmmmm....no, that would just be to much"

I noticed you are a woman in this post. Sorry for refering to you as a man before. I should have known better.

 

[funshine]

let's refrain from judging her relationship, shall we? The important thing is that she's holding on to her acceptance until May. Congrats...I don't envy the tough decision you will have to make, but wish you lots of wisdom and courage