Poety said:
Also, I have cousins that were born twins, one passed away from an aneurysm when we were all 18, his brother has never gotten over this - would you have any insight into what this loss may be like? Is it akin to losing say - a husband/wife/mother - or worse? He says he can't describe it, but that half of him is gone - I'm wondering if thats a common phenomena.
I did a research paper in my Psych senior seminar class in undergrad about twin loss, and a lot of the stuff I read really made sense to me. One example stated that the death of an identical twin is even more devastating than losing a spouse or child, and one of the "scientific" reasons cited was that you share 100% of your genes. So from an evolutionary point of view, it's like you have died yourself, since the ultimate goal in life is to pass on your genes to the next generation. If you lose a sibling, parent, spouse etc. you don't share 100% of your genes, so supposedly it's not as traumatic. But we all know that isn't always true. Also I think, we usually have a history apart from or before we met our spouse, children, parents etc. You grow up and go to college and don't see your parents every day. You fight with your siblings and then leave home and don't see them. Even though you may spend 60 years with your spouse, there was that important period before you met when you were growing and developing and finding out who you were. With twins, it's different than regular siblings because not only are you together practically from conception, but you are in the same grade at school, you usually share a bedroom, you hang out together etc. You also are taught to think you belong together, and that you are a member of a pair, not just an individual. It's a completely different identity, so when that other person dies, it's a huge change.
And in society, the kind of myth surrounding twins tends to make fraternal twins feel the same way, like they have lost a part of themselves if the cotwin dies, even though they only share about 50% of their genes. It's an interesting theory, but I tend to believe a bit more in the
in utero connection. I read some stories about people who had lost a twin soon before birth, at birth, or shortly after birth into the first few years of life. Some who had not been told of their sibling's death still had feelings that something was missing. Gestation is an important time of development, and sharing that environment creates a huge bond, in my opinion.
I think society delights and marvels at twins, but when something happens that separates them, no one wants to hear about it because it's usually unbelievably sad. That's why there haven't been a lot of studies done on twin loss and twin grieving. But I think it's desperately needed, and I've thought about going into that field myself (I'm pre-med). As you have witnessed, the death of a twin at any ages is difficult, but I can't imagine losing your twin at 18, when you had grown up together and your lives were just beginning.
🙁 That is very, very sad.
This is a great discussion. Keep it coming!
