two topics for personal statement- which one is better?

[dedicated1989]

Hey guys so I have two personal statements with every different topics. I want to know which one off the first read sounds more interesting? I am copying the intros to both...
******
1) relating dance to medicine, my encounters that I had through dance with clinical. I'm still trying to make the entire essay more coherent with a strong unifying concluding paragraph

" As I stood in complete darkness waiting for my cue all I could see was the occasional flicker of lights from the eyes staring back at me. The drumming of the tabala was getting louder and within minutes the stage lights turned on and the spot light was on me. Before I knew it, three hours passed and I was taking my final bow with what was undoubtedly a standing ovation. After many years of practice I had finally accomplished my goal. Within that moment all my challenges and victories flashed before me – it was the most nerve-wracking and rewarding experience of my life. I, the dancer, finally became a part of the professional Bharata Natyam community. To say there is a similarity between a dancer and a doctor may seem far-fetched, but being a dancer has everything to do with my desire to become a physician."

*******
2) about my grandfather and his open heart surgery. Stylistically I like the way this one better, still has holes but nothing that would require redoing the entire essay.

"It was a hot and breezy summer night and a gentle calmness filled the air. I was awoken by the sound of blaring sirens but disregarded their wail until I heard the cry of my mother bounding through the house. I quickly arose and rushed downstairs to see in disbelief, my grandfather being carried out of the house on a stretcher, with an entire medical team exiting our living room. I was beyond confused, to say the least. After all, how could my grandfather, a doctor, get sick?"

*******
If anyone wants to read these in its entirety PM me and I'll send you both. I appreciate all the help I can get!

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[boomshaketheroom]

if you use the second one, lead with the second sentence

 

[dancingmate]

I suggest the second one, seems a bit more relevant, but I am curious to see how you tied dancing to being a doctor.

 

[Awesome Sauceome]

Hmm... I too struggled with several options on my PS. I will try to give some of the advice that was given to me. I had two very similar options. One was about a sport I played, and one was about my experience while training to become a CNA (so more medically related). I will get to the punch-line and suggest that you go with option 1, and here is why:
1) It is more unique. I think this is incredibly important for getting noticed. You arent trying to win an award or have some heart throbbing testament of your life. But a powerful PS will get your application tossed on the "interview" pile instead of the "reject" pile. If for nothing else the person who has to read through dozens of boring personal statements will want to meet you.
2) It is about YOU. This is something that I have seen a lot with reading a lot of people's PS's. The thing is, sure option two has medically related stuff in it. But its not even about you. And I am sure that it is questionable whether one moment that didnt even happen to you can have such a strong impact as to make you completely change course and go through the rigors of becoming a physician. Again, I think at first glance it would seem better to go with option two (because it has medical stuff in it). But I think overall that a lot of the personal statements that I have read that go down this path are shallow and dont have the potential to be as good of a testament to who you are and the road you are trying to travel down.
3) Sort of related to the first two. Everyone writes about something happening to someone they know. Personally it doesnt strike me as either unique or powerful.

So I would go along the lines of option one. Or anything that is written about how you had to work hard, overcome, find yourself. Option 1 seems to hit that stuff a bit more, maybe try and tie in more about the struggle it took to get to that final show and then show how the perseverance (or whatever adjective you choose) that you had will make you a better physician. The key here is SHOW, dont tell. Your job is to say that "being a dancer has everything to do with my desire to become a physician" without ever actually saying that sentence...

 

[DokterMom]

Agree that the dance narrative is much more memorable -- assuming you can show how it does relate to your desire to become a doctor and why you'll be a good one.
Also agree with @gonnif that the expecting a 'standing ovation' part came off as arrogant. "Delighted to see a standing ovation" is more humble, but not necessary either. The Adcom doesn't really care how well you dance -- just that you were dedicated, etc.

 

[Awesome Sauceome]

The concept of the first one relates much more of you to medicine. The second concept, of relating you or a close family member interacting as a patient as a foundation desire to be a doctor usually lacks the depth to show commitment, motivation, etc for a PS. I dare say, trite, common and often reads "insincere." However, stylistically, neither is appropriate as a PS should not be viewed nor written in a creative style. Yes, you need to write to interest the reader but you need to sell yourself as why YOU want to be a doctor. While I understand the concept of where you are going with it, it turned me off immediately. The two brief sentences of intro and setting and the use of a standing ovation sent me from a confident student to an arrogant. I mention this as many many many of the PS I read come off that way and you can well imagine how an adcom reading dozens of these from brilliant students who think cocky and bragging about their achievements will sell themselves.

I would suggest you start with sentence taking the bow, feeling proud. That is more than enough setting the scene for the reader. Be coherent, concise and compelling about your pattern of commitment, motivation, and achievement

This right here. Using option two you can SAY that you have commitment, motivation etc. But option one gives you a greater position to SHOW that you have commitment, motivation etc.

 

[chenzt]

I have to disagree with @gonnif and say I really enjoyed reading the option one paragraph. It also shows off your creative writing skills. Assuming you can tie it into medicine and write as well rest of the way, your essay could be great.

 

[Awesome Sauceome]

I have to disagree with @gonnif and say I really enjoyed reading the option one paragraph. It also shows off your creative writing skills. Assuming you can tie it into medicine and write as well rest of the way, your essay could be great.

I think @gonnif has some really valid points (pre sure he/she is an adcom...? so I would listen). But I definitely think its imperative that you tie in a very strong case for why this will make you a better physician. I think if that is the case then it can be powerful. It would have an interesting "hook" in the beginning, but then would have real meat that applies to medical school.

 

[chenzt]

I think @gonnif has some really valid points (pre sure he/she is an adcom...? so I would listen). But I definitely think its imperative that you tie in a very strong case for why this will make you a better physician. I think if that is the case then it can be powerful. It would have an interesting "hook" in the beginning, but then would have real meat that applies to medical school.

Oh I agree with that, I was just saying the intro didn't turn me off stylistically as much as it did for gonnif, should've made it clearer.

 

[Awesome Sauceome]

This is probably the most constructive thread I have ever seen on SDN haha... Like comments that would normally start fights are being resolved so well.

 

[dedicated1989]

Yes I agree- a very productive thread with very useful advice! Thanks to all.

Im leaning more towards #1, maybe I can shoot some of you guys a PM with a draft once I've reworked it a bit!

 

[chenzt]

Yes I agree- a very productive thread with very useful advice! Thanks to all.

Im leaning more towards #1, maybe I can shoot some of you guys a PM with a draft once I've reworked it a bit!

There is a PS reader thread floating around here somewhere.

 

[terp720]

Yes I agree- a very productive thread with very useful advice! Thanks to all.

Im leaning more towards #1, maybe I can shoot some of you guys a PM with a draft once I've reworked it a bit!

These people have all signed up to read PSs
http://forums.studentdoctor.net/thr...ment-guide-and-reader-list-2014-2015.1061871/

 

[Awesome Sauceome]

Yes I agree- a very productive thread with very useful advice! Thanks to all.

Im leaning more towards #1, maybe I can shoot some of you guys a PM with a draft once I've reworked it a bit!

You can shoot it my way. I usually dont have much to do at work anyways. I dont think I could help with grammar much; but general flow stuff it never hurts to have extra eyes on it.

 

[dieanotherday]

Hey guys so I have two personal statements with every different topics. I want to know which one off the first read sounds more interesting? I am copying the intros to both...
******
1) relating dance to medicine, my encounters that I had through dance with clinical. I'm still trying to make the entire essay more coherent with a strong unifying concluding paragraph

" As I stood in complete darkness waiting for my cue all I could see was the occasional flicker of lights from the eyes staring back at me. The drumming of the tabala was getting louder and within minutes the stage lights turned on and the spot light was on me. Before I knew it, three hours passed and I was taking my final bow with what was undoubtedly a standing ovation. After many years of practice I had finally accomplished my goal. Within that moment all my challenges and victories flashed before me – it was the most nerve-wracking and rewarding experience of my life. I, the dancer, finally became a part of the professional Bharata Natyam community. To say there is a similarity between a dancer and a doctor may seem far-fetched, but being a dancer has everything to do with my desire to become a physician."

*******
2) about my grandfather and his open heart surgery. Stylistically I like the way this one better, still has holes but nothing that would require redoing the entire essay.

"It was a hot and breezy summer night and a gentle calmness filled the air. I was awoken by the sound of blaring sirens but disregarded their wail until I heard the cry of my mother bounding through the house. I quickly arose and rushed downstairs to see in disbelief, my grandfather being carried out of the house on a stretcher, with an entire medical team exiting our living room. I was beyond confused, to say the least. After all, how could my grandfather, a doctor, get sick?"

*******
If anyone wants to read these in its entirety PM me and I'll send you both. I appreciate all the help I can get!

the 2nd one, hands/feet down

 

[dedicated1989]

These people have all signed up to read PSs
http://forums.studentdoctor.net/thr...ment-guide-and-reader-list-2014-2015.1061871/

WOW - totally did not know this exists. I've been posting separate threads hoping someone would read my 1001 drafts…Thank you!

You can shoot it my way. I usually dont have much to do at work anyways. I dont think I could help with grammar much; but general flow stuff it never hurts to have extra eyes on it.

I'll PM you thanks!

 

[Awesome Sauceome]

the 2nd one, hands/feet down

a) why?
b) your not even pre-med haha?

 

[dieanotherday]

a) why?
b) your not even pre-med haha?

a personal statement is a personal statement
regardless of the specific health profession

my OPINION which means nothing unless anyone wants it, which is I liked her 2nd one cause it got to the point quicker.

 

[Awesome Sauceome]

a personal statement is a personal statement
regardless of the specific health profession

my OPINION which means nothing unless anyone wants it, which is I liked her 2nd one cause it got to the point quicker.

I could agree with some of that. It definitely does get to the point quicker.

Advice to the OP is to just keep rehashing through that PS. Took me a lot of tries to really get the one I am settled on. I started writing mine last August and I didnt finish until maybe 3 weeks ago. I felt like I had some really good ideas to write about, but in the end it just did not translate powerfully enough. Just keep giving different ideas a try, you never know which story in your life you will really espouse to.

 

[dieanotherday]

I could agree with some of that. It definitely does get to the point quicker.

Advice to the OP is to just keep rehashing through that PS. Took me a lot of tries to really get the one I am settled on. I started writing mine last August and I didnt finish until maybe 3 weeks ago. I felt like I had some really good ideas to write about, but in the end it just did not translate powerfully enough. Just keep giving different ideas a try, you never know which story in your life you will really espouse to.

also the premed forums have a lot more action than the predent/dent threads
which gets me through the day at work

 

[dedicated1989]

I could agree with some of that. It definitely does get to the point quicker.

Advice to the OP is to just keep rehashing through that PS. Took me a lot of tries to really get the one I am settled on. I started writing mine last August and I didnt finish until maybe 3 weeks ago. I felt like I had some really good ideas to write about, but in the end it just did not translate powerfully enough. Just keep giving different ideas a try, you never know which story in your life you will really espouse to.

Took out some fluff so that it gets to the point quicker…


When I was seven years old I began my journey to learn the ancient form of Indian Classical Dance known as Bharata Natyam. Initially I was intrigued by the elaborate costumes, intricate footwork and complex music that the dance encompassed. Seven years later, I was ascending the stage to preform my solo debut and finally be a part of the professional Bharata Natyam community. As I started to better understand the practice I became thoroughly fascinated by the human body- how it was able to move like it did in the dance. The balance between limbs and the way they work together to produce fine-tuned movements was enthralling. With these developing interests I started to take more biology classes. My interests quickly morphed into a passion for medicine during my senior year of high school when I went to Tamil Nadu, India to learn Bharata Natyam from a guru at The Chidambaram Temple.

Goes on to specific examples after this..

 

[Awesome Sauceome]

also the premed forums have a lot more action than the predent/dent threads
which gets me through the day at work

I hear you there... shoot I need to find something more constructive to do with my time. I feel like I have used up the entire internet here at work. By 3 or 4 I am basically just chilling, waiting for experiments to wrap up etc.

 

[dieanotherday]

Took out some fluff so that it gets to the point quicker…


When I was seven years old I began my journey to learn the ancient form of Indian Classical Dance known as Bharata Natyam. Initially I was intrigued by the elaborate costumes, intricate footwork and complex music that the dance encompassed. Seven years later, I was ascending the stage to preform my solo debut and finally be a part of the professional Bharata Natyam community. As I started to better understand the practice I became thoroughly fascinated by the human body- how it was able to move like it did in the dance. The balance between limbs and the way they work together to produce fine-tuned movements was enthralling. With these developing interests I started to take more biology classes. My interests quickly morphed into a passion for medicine during my senior year of high school when I went to Tamil Nadu, India to learn Bharata Natyam from a guru at The Chidambaram Temple.

Goes on to specific examples after this..

i like this version better than first dance version but it stil needs some work, post it on the specific threads people advertise and pm people who want to specifically help you to fine tune it best of luck

 

[Chillbo Baggins]

I would go with the first one.

In part of my PS, I compared being a DJ (which I've done) to being a doctor, and I was asked about it in almost every interview. Memorability counts.

 

[DokterMom]

I would go with the first one.

In part of my PS, I compared being a DJ (which I've done) to being a doctor, and I was asked about it in almost every interview. Memorability counts.

Perfect example. As @Chillbo Baggins said: 'Memorability counts.'

 

[prettygrateful]

Why can't you talk about both? In my PS, I talked about skating, relative's cancer, and volunteering (to different extents). They all contributed to my interest in medicine. It is impossible for only one experience to lead to your passion in medicine; rather it is a lifelong development. Resulted in 10+ interviews

 

[stevvo111]

option one is awesome, but the last sentence doesn't show me why dancing for you is similar to medicine.

For instance, the story you describe is very vivid and awesome, but I don't see (even slightly) how it has "everything to do with [your] desire to become a physician".

I would suggest being a bit more explicit. What did you like about dancing? Was it difficult, challenging, require practice, countless failure? << all that stuff relates directly to the path to medicine, and how you are resilient and not going to quit when faced with a challenge.

If you spin it that way, you'll be golden!

good luck

 

[dedicated1989]

@prettygrateful , in the rest of my PS i do go into specific examples…what i posted was just the intro, but yes I agree its not just one instance !

@stevvo111 I reworked it a little bit to "show not tell" hopefully its getting better…

 

[DRteacher]

They are both good! However, adcoms read thousands of personal statements like the second one. I think the first one would hook them in because it's more unique. But only pick the first if you find a clear way to tie it to medicine and your desire/qualifications for becoming a physician. Good luck!

 

[DreamingDoc]

I like the first! Seems a bit more personal to me.

 

[prettygrateful]

@prettygrateful , in the rest of my PS i do go into specific examples…what i posted was just the intro, but yes I agree its not just one instance !

@stevvo111 I reworked it a little bit to "show not tell" hopefully its getting better…

Oh great! In that case I would say the first one is more interesting, and a bit more "mushy" if you know what I mean, which is what I think would work better for an intro before you get to the more concrete/hardcore stuff.

 

[hmockingbird]

Took out some fluff so that it gets to the point quicker…


When I was seven years old I began my journey to learn the ancient form of Indian Classical Dance known as Bharata Natyam. Initially I was intrigued by the elaborate costumes, intricate footwork and complex music that the dance encompassed. Seven years later, I was ascending the stage to preform my solo debut and finally be a part of the professional Bharata Natyam community. As I started to better understand the practice I became thoroughly fascinated by the human body- how it was able to move like it did in the dance. The balance between limbs and the way they work together to produce fine-tuned movements was enthralling. With these developing interests I started to take more biology classes. My interests quickly morphed into a passion for medicine during my senior year of high school when I went to Tamil Nadu, India to learn Bharata Natyam from a guru at The Chidambaram Temple.

Goes on to specific examples after this..

I actually like your first intro better, this is just more straight narration (I actually think the other one is more "show don't tell" than this) and I liked the idea of an intro paragraph setting the scene/a "hook" paragraph. To me, the other one has more of a unique voice. Personally I would keep your first version (although I agree with getting rid of the part about a standing ovation), maybe shorten it a little, and then include some of the straight facts in this paragraph as your next paragraph (maybe all of it except the part about the solo dance because that would already be in your intro) and then go into what happened when you visited India. I think you have room for that - it's more room than I thought I would have and I'm not a concise person, lol. Like someone else, I talked about multiple topics, so although I think this topic is more unique/shows your personality, if you have room and the story about your grandfather fits in somehow, I wouldn't abandon that entirely.

(I feel like I gave the opposite advice in another thread about avoiding a non-medical topic, but it seems like you have a clear idea for why dancing relates to medicine for you. If you have no idea what the connection would be, then I would advise you not to write about the non-medical topic.)

 

[rain4venus]

I don't have any expertise, so I'll just reiterate things I've read on other posts about the PS.

Most people can't do a unique, stylized PS well. Of course if you have something stand out, and it stands out in a good way, then that's the best thing, but for the most part, your goal is to make sure your PS isn't something that will get your app sent straight into the rejected pile. A lot of people have said that the main purpose of an interview is to make sure that an applicant is "normal" enough, and the same thing for the PS.

Being outstanding is obviously preferable, but if at the end of the essay, the reader is asking himself "But....why medicine?" then you're in trouble. There is some possibility of this with the dance PS, whereas at the end of the surgery PS, they'll definitely know the answer to that. Of course, they probably won't remember you at the end of the day, though. But it's better to be forgotten in the interview pile for a neutral PS than remembered as someone who wrote a bad PS.

As for the creative style, that's just a matter of preference. Sadly there are readers who will see it and dislike it no matter how tastefully it's done just because they don't think that's what a PS is supposed to be. Others will love it and appreciate the risk you're taking, even if it's not done especially well. It's just luck to a large extent. Again, writing something boring will be safer, but won't move you to the top of the interview stack, so it's just a matter of if you want to play the odds.


All that said, if it were me, I'd probably do the dance PS. It's just more my style, but I've always been into creative writing (as I said in another thread, I've written a novel) and I would need every edge I might be able to get. But I would also spend many hours perfecting it and getting LOTS of outside assistance if I were to go that route because it needs to be perfect a lot more than the other one does. It might even be good to hire an editor for style and content to make sure that the dance/anatomy association really rings true.