ultimatum--need some advice

[futuredoc71]

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Boyfriend told me this weekend that he would not want to do LD while I'm in medical school next year in the Midwest. He just bought a house last year and has his own company in California where he cannot relocate. Hes asking me to defer for a year, get engaged, and he will move out to school with me in 2017 when he has the means to travel between states. We live together and are very happy. Plan was to go to school in california but I interviewed at a UC in October and have not heard anything back. Really debating what I want to do

 

[piii]

LD is not for everyone. But it sucks he's not willing to try it.

Your number one priority must be yourself. If you will live the happiest and healthiest life by being with him, then do it. If you will live the happiest and healthiest life following your career dreams, then do that.

Personally, my GF and I will be doing LD when we both go to med school this year. But we love each other and will weather any storm to stay together.

 

[thatwouldbeanarchy]

Sorry, OP. That's a seriously rough situation. For starters, though, I think you need to wait and hear back from the UC! If you got in there, would you be happy with that choice?

Assuming that the UC doesn't pan out, have you looked into options for deferral? From what I understand, it's very school-specific whether deferral is even possible - with some schools not allowing it at all, some allowing it relatively liberally, and others really requiring that you have something incredible lined up for your gap year (like finishing a degree, doing a Fulbright, etc.).

Lastly, is this partner someone you could really see yourself being with for the rest of your life? On the one hand, you mentioned that he brought up getting engaged but then it also sounds like he's willing to break up with you if you don't postpone medical school. I understand not wanting to be long distance--I've done it; it's awful. But it seems a little extreme to expect you to put your career on hold. Especially since it sounds like he might be ready to move with you after 1 year. I think it's worth asking yourself how much of a sacrifice you're willing to make to make this relationship work. Is your partner someone who's generally willing to make sacrifices? Because being married to a doctor doesn't seem easy either.

 

[futuredoc71]

Sorry, OP. That's a seriously rough situation. For starters, though, I think you need to wait and hear back from the UC! If you got in there, would you be happy with that choice?

Assuming that the UC doesn't pan out, have you looked into options for deferral? From what I understand, it's very school-specific whether deferral is even possible - with some schools not allowing it at all, some allowing it relatively liberally, and others really requiring that you have something incredible lined up for your gap year (like finishing a degree, doing a Fulbright, etc.).

Lastly, is this partner someone you could really see yourself being with for the rest of your life? On the one hand, you mentioned that he brought up getting engaged but then it also sounds like he's willing to break up with you if you don't postpone medical school. I understand not wanting to be long distance--I've done it; it's awful. But it seems a little extreme to expect you to put your career on hold. Especially since it sounds like he might be ready to move with you after 1 year. I think it's worth asking yourself how much of a sacrifice you're willing to make to make this relationship work. Is your partner someone who's generally willing to make sacrifices? Because being married to a doctor doesn't seem easy either.

The one in the midwest is a DO program. My dream has always to be an MD which is the school in California. I have strong ties to it so I thought I would be a shoe in to the school. Yeah I've thought about it. We've been thru alot together and I understand why he does not want to do a LD. He has a really good company here in california and he spent the past 10 years working for his dreams and goals. Its kind of ridiculous to me that he doe snot want to do LD but tells me on a nearly daily basis that he wants to marry me. I'm wondering if I should move out and pursue my goals or stay with him. he truly is my soul mate but I worked very hard to get to this point.

 

[Lawpy]

I'd wait to see if something encouraging comes from the UC. The optimal solution would be to stay in CA and attend the MD school there, as opposed to going DO abroad. And i very much doubt DO schools are receptive to deferrals, although @Goro can clarify this.

 

[Dr.Sticks]

I don't get it
What if a draft came and he was forced to deploy, wouldn't he want to long distance? Besides, it's only a year.. I don't see the big deal?

 

[futuredoc71]

I don't get it
What if a draft came and he was forced to deploy, wouldn't he want to long distance? Besides, it's only a year.. I don't see the big deal?

Yeah I know. Sometimes his logic isn't always in line with mine. He wants to give us another year to settle before we're ready to embark on medical school. He'd rather be together while I'm doing it then apart. He doesn't believe in LD b/c of his fathers experiences and his own.

 

[piii]

Yeah I know. Sometimes his logic isn't always in line with mine. He wants to give us another year to settle before we're ready to embark on medical school. He'd rather be together while I'm doing it then apart. He doesn't believe in LD b/c of his fathers experiences and his own.

Sounds like he's just avoiding the situation. He wants to settle before moving? It is very possible that in a year from now, he'll be just as resistant to moving, and leaving behind the company.

 

[Lollygag]

I'm still on the ultimatum part lol that's kind of messed up isn't it? My boyfriend would never give me an ultimatum and neither would I give him one.

Not trying to pry, but is there a lack of trust in your relationship?

 

[medic86]

This is weird.

"Stick around and we'll get married! But if you have to move away for medical school for a year, we're through!"

 

[futuredoc71]

No there is not a lack of trust in each other. His mother left him at a young age to pursue medicine and took off and never contacted him or his father again. He has trust issues when it comes to women b/c of this. he wants his kids to grow up with a parent present.

 

[Petrichor1]

LD is not for everyone. But it sucks he's not willing to try it.

.

Opening up a startup and maintaining it is probably leagues ahead of what the OP has tried. I'd give the poor guy a break.

With that being the case, you will never find a time that is good for you two to marry, have kids, start college fund, ...blah blah.
I would wish that partners would just pop the question and just be done with it. It's not like +/- 1 year makes that big a difference. And with this current market companies may weather anything. I'd rather advise that if the sea is calm, just go forward with the engagement and marry at an appropriate time (it can happen in medical school too).

Wait to see if you get in Cali but if not, take the ticket to medical school. If anything, he'll make the move and know that regardless of time, it is the sentiment you two share. 😀 Best of luck!

 

[rederza]

LDR is not for everyone. Your bf is well within his rights to issue one if he can't handle it. You are well within yours to reject it. Personally, I can't ever do LDR. I like being around people and getting to know them, being in an LDR can be frustrating at times. Not saying anyone should ever cheat, but if you were having a bad day (or him) it's pretty easy to get super down when you realize your so is too far away to hug.

edited to add: my so and i have weathered pretty much everything, and still i could not do ldr despite how much i love him

 

[futuredoc71]

LDR is not for everyone. Your bf is well within his rights to issue one if he can't handle it. You are well within yours to reject it. Personally, I can't ever do LDR. I like being around people and getting to know them, being in an LDR can be frustrating at times. Not saying anyone should ever cheat, but if you were having a bad day (or him) it's pretty easy to get super down when you realize your so is too far away to hug.

edited to add: my so and i have weathered pretty much everything, and still i could not do ldr despite how much i love him

Are you a med student?

 

[futuredoc71]

Opening up a startup and maintaining it is probably leagues ahead of what the OP has tried. I'd give the poor guy a break.

With that being the case, you will never find a time that is good for you two to marry, have kids, start college fund, ...blah blah.
I would wish that partners would just pop the question and just be done with it. It's not like +/- 1 year makes that big a difference. And with this current market companies may weather anything. I'd rather advise that if the sea is calm, just go forward with the engagement and marry at an appropriate time (it can happen in medical school too).

Wait to see if you get in Cali but if not, take the ticket to medical school. If anything, he'll make the move and know that regardless of time, it is the sentiment you two share. 😀 Best of luck!

'Yeah im thinking 8 months can change alot of things and if hes really committed he'll weather LD for a year. cant give up on med school for someone

 

[DrDorianTurkleton]

I feel ya, was in the same situation regarding med school, but unfortunately did not work out. Med school makes it hard to keep LD relationships! Also serious question: does anyone know if you can do the couples match if you and your SO went to separate schools? I'm assuming yes but I was curious as to how many people actually do that.

 

[rederza]

Are you a med student?

im an accepted student, so is my bf. I was previously a pharm student. my bf accepted, declined, reapplied accepted.

 

[Petrichor1]

'Yeah im thinking 8 months can change alot of things and if hes really committed he'll weather LD for a year. cant give up on med school for someone

I know a relative who had a kid while they were in medical school. They graduated just fine (if you exclude possible drama that a normal couple would probably go through I'd imagine). This is the first test of many that you guys will experience as a couple, so you need never compromise unless it is a do-or-die situation lol or is compromisable. Medical school is an opportunity that many do not get a do-over with.

 

[Goro]

LD? Labor and delivery?

Boyfriend told me this weekend that he would not want to do LD while I'm in medical school next year in the Midwest. He just bought a house last year and has his own company in California where he cannot relocate. Hes asking me to defer for a year, get engaged, and he will move out to school with me in 2017 when he has the means to travel between states. We live together and are very happy. Plan was to go to school in california but I interviewed at a UC in October and have not heard anything back. Really debating what I want to do

 

[LizzyM]

No there is not a lack of trust in each other. His mother left him at a young age to pursue medicine and took off and never contacted him or his father again. He has trust issues when it comes to women b/c of this. he wants his kids to grow up with a parent present.

He seems to have mommy issues. Getting involved with a woman who wants to go to medical school doesn't seem like a good idea. I'd pack up and go to med school. If it works out, you'll be very blessed. If it doesn't work out, you've dodged a bullet.

 

[Lost in Translation]

LD? Labor and delivery?

UC? University of California?

Spoiler

LD = long distance, though not a common—if even a real—acronym.

UC I'm assuming means University of Cincinnati?

 

[Goro]

OP used the phrase "a UC", so I assume that it's a CA schools.

UC? University of California?

Spoiler

LD = long distance, though not a common—if even a real—acronym.

UC I'm assuming means University of Cincinnati?

 

[Hangry]

I feel ya, was in the same situation regarding med school, but unfortunately did not work out. Med school makes it hard to keep LD relationships! Also serious question: does anyone know if you can do the couples match if you and your SO went to separate schools? I'm assuming yes but I was curious as to how many people actually do that.

Yes you can. How many people do that? Who knows.

 

[Scribe687213]

im an accepted student, so is my bf. I was previously a pharm student. my bf accepted, declined, reapplied accepted.

did your boyfriend turn down an acceptance to apply with you?

 

[TallPreMed]

Idk dude. That's a tough one. It's all up to priorities for you. Ultimatums are a no go for me. I tried LDR in the past and ended up ending a relationship where I wanted to marry the (wrong) guy and it fizzled out... Now I'm engaged to the right guy. He's aware that we will have to do long distance (he's an electrician and can't really move for probably another 5 years) but if he put an ultimatum on me after I worked my tail off to get into med school then I would kick him to the curb, engaged or not. But I also don't want kids and am impartial to getting married (the actual ceremony) sooooo

 

[rederza]

did your boyfriend turn down an acceptance to apply with you?

Not to apply. More like to find what we wanted to do together. We were pretty bright students (not trying to be a conceited prick) but we didn't know what we wanted to do and medicine seemed too much of a commitment at the time.

 

[studentdocftw]

So he issues an ultimatum delaying you of pursuing YOUR dream, yet YOU feel guilty?! He's one lucky man.

No there is not a lack of trust in each other. His mother left him at a young age to pursue medicine and took off and never contacted him or his father again. He has trust issues when it comes to women b/c of this. he wants his kids to grow up with a parent present.

Also, have you discussed this together? Because it seems to me what he wants could conflict directly with your professional goals.

 

[Donald Juan]

No there is not a lack of trust in each other. His mother left him at a young age to pursue medicine and took off and never contacted him or his father again. He has trust issues when it comes to women b/c of this. he wants his kids to grow up with a parent present.

Wait, really? His mom had him, then ditched her family to start med school and never came back home?

 

[futuredoc71]

Wait, really? His mom had him, then ditched her family to start med school and never came back home?

yeah literally exactly what happened. hasn't heard from her in 20 years

 

[DokterMom]

@futuredoc71 - Could you really be happy giving up your dream forever to save him a year of emotional discomfort? (Because turning down an acceptance can make it much harder to be accepted second time around.) And would he really be OK asking you to do this? (What does this say about how he feels about you?)

I can understand how he wouldn't feel comfortable leaving his startup company right now. But does he really think he'll be OK leaving it next year? Will next year be that much different from this year?

I'm assuming you've applied to ALL CA schools? (Including Northstate?) And would another year make your application so much stronger that your odds of being accepted in state improve dramatically?

I just hate to see a bright young woman giving up on her own life for the possibility of becoming Mrs. Him.

 

[futuredoc71]

Not to apply. More like to find what we wanted to do together. We were pretty bright students (not trying to be a conceited prick) but we didn't know what we wanted to do and medicine seemed too much of a commitment at the time.

Yeah I feel ya. Regardless of my BF im wondering if I want to make the commitment to >300,000K of debt. Originalyl wanted to be a PA and thnking this might be the route to go again.

 

[thatwouldbeanarchy]

Yeah I feel ya. Regardless of my BF im wondering if I want to make the commitment to >300,000K of debt. Originalyl wanted to be a PA and thnking this might be the route to go again.

You applied and got accepted to medical school and you're not sure? I would definitely prioritize THIS decision over any decisions about your relationship. If you originally wanted to be a PA, what made you decide to apply MD?

This is your future career, OP. I'm starting to think it's normal to have the 'omg-I'm-about-to-take-on-a-massive-amount-of-debt' panic attack after an acceptance. (See this thread: http://forums.studentdoctor.net/threads/no-longer-excited-after-acceptances.1178553/) Med school is definitely not for everyone. But the debt is manageable with budgeting and a bit of sacrifice (you know, probably no Mercedes for the first few years 😉 ). You just have to be sure that it's worth it to you. I think you really need to ask yourself if being a doctor is what you want. And don't let your partner's priorities overshadow your own!

 

[rederza]

Yeah I feel ya. Regardless of my BF im wondering if I want to make the commitment to >300,000K of debt. Originalyl wanted to be a PA and thnking this might be the route to go again.

Debt aside for me its finding something i actuallly want to do. Ive done pharmacy, comp sci, and now i think medicine is most right for me

 

[feather421]

OP, you don't want this guy. You want a guy that supports you and your dreams, the guy who says, "Long distance will be tough, but you're the love of my life and I want you to be happy." You want a guy that is proud of what you've accomplished instead of making you feel guilty for following your career. You want a guy who is independent, and secure enough in your relationship to let you do your own thing for a while.

Talking about marriage is not the same as actually getting engaged so PLEASE don't mistake the two. I know a friend whose BF talked about getting married to her for ages, she took on massive debt to be close to him instead of going to a more economical school choice, and then turns out he was cheating on her for a long, long time while they were together and didn't disclose it until it was actually time to make the marriage decision. I suspect that this guy will have another excuse when push comes to shove.

I understand his baggage about his mom leaving him and his father (though it seems oddly convenient), but he needs to work through that in a way that doesn't destroy your career prospects. I say, if you don't get into any other schools this cycle, take the acceptance. If he can get through his insecurities enough to stay with you, then he's the man for you. If not, you're well shod of him.

 

[Womb Raider]

Take the acceptance - accept the breakup (if it even happens) and then watch in a few months when he comes back around after realizing he doesn't have any game anymore.

I think the guy just hasn't fully thought out the situation... You'll be in med school, so you'll be spending VERY little time with him anyway. He'll be working on starting a new company, and if it's worth anything at all, he won't be having a lot of free time either. If I were him, a LD would almost be a win-win - neither him nor you will have the unnecessary stress of worrying about pleasing the other person during these very stressful and new life experiences. Bottom line: he has no foresight, which doesn't seem too promising for his new business..

 

[Petrichor1]

yeah literally exactly what happened. hasn't heard from her in 20 years

let's just get it straight, he doesn't have a problem with people working hard for their dreams but does have issues with people who ditch their family to pursue their dreams. Seems like he is more like his mom at this moment if you go against his wishes and he doesn't retain long-distance relationship. His story is sad but also pathetic at the same time because he doesn't have a right to restrict what a woman does and I don't think his story is ubiquitous in the medical realm...

 

[DokterMom]

I would be remiss if I failed to also point out that by forcing you into this decision, he is asking you to give up your own financial security (despite the debt, becoming a physician offers great financial security) while not offering any in return (marriage). It costs him nothing to say how much he'd like to marry you at some indefinite point in the future. It could cost you a lot.

 

[futuredoc71]

Just want everyone to know this! Left the boyfriend. Moved back in with my parents. Confirmed my seat deposit and will be attending medical school in the fall! Ultimatums are a joke.

 

[thatwouldbeanarchy]

Just want everyone to know this! Left the boyfriend. Moved back in with my parents. Confirmed my seat deposit and will be attending medical school in the fall! Ultimatums are a joke.

I'm sorry it didn't work out with the boyfriend. But it sounds like you made the right choice for your future. There's someone else out there who'll support you in achieving your goals!

 

[DokterMom]

Just want everyone to know this! Left the boyfriend. Moved back in with my parents. Confirmed my seat deposit and will be attending medical school in the fall! Ultimatums are a joke.

Good for you! The right guy would never make you choose between achieving your dream and remaining nearby for his convenience. Plenty of much healthier fish in the sea

 

[Goro]

I am very happy to hear that you can pursue your dream!! Good luck to you!!

And there's always a Jack for every Jill.

Just want everyone to know this! Left the boyfriend. Moved back in with my parents. Confirmed my seat deposit and will be attending medical school in the fall! Ultimatums are a joke.

 

[idontwatchgreysanatomy]

Dump him. The kind of guy who has an issue with this is just going to complain later down the road when you have limited free time.

 

[darkeon]

And don't date guys whose moms left them and husbands for med schools... (his story seems sketchy). Glad you're done with him

 

[futuredoc71]

Dump him. The kind of guy who has an issue with this is just going to complain later down the road when you have limited free time.

Yeah exactly. I told him I was going to school and moving out and he flipped out. Now is trying to apologize to me after being pretty freaking crazy. Tooo much drama. would've never worked out in school or in the future.

 

[futuredoc71]

And don't date guys whose moms left them and husbands for med schools... (his story seems sketchy). Glad you're done with him

agreed.. way too sketchy. bummed to have things go this way, but my future is bright

 

[FluffyPolishUnicorn]

I cant imagine being in your situation - but for different reason. If anyone offered me ultimatum I would politely nod and went to that school without even looking back at the jerk.

If he really wanted you to marry him - a year is nothing, plus there are airplanes, trains, cars. US has a good infrastructure so he should learn how to utilize it 😉

Do what is best for you!! Good luck.

 

[JustAPhD]

Just want everyone to know this! Left the boyfriend. Moved back in with my parents. Confirmed my seat deposit and will be attending medical school in the fall! Ultimatums are a joke.

Btw for those who apparently aren't reading the thread, OP did indeed dump him and is attending med school in the fall. 🙂



I don't think a congrats is really appropriate in this situation, but I will say I'm quite happy to see you decided to pursue your dream, OP.

 

[fancymylotus]

Boyfriend told me this weekend that he would not want to do LD while I'm in medical school next year in the Midwest. He just bought a house last year and has his own company in California where he cannot relocate. Hes asking me to defer for a year, get engaged, and he will move out to school with me in 2017 when he has the means to travel between states. We live together and are very happy. Plan was to go to school in california but I interviewed at a UC in October and have not heard anything back. Really debating what I want to do

your education and career, especially at this point in your life >>>>>>>>> some guy who doesn't understand that

 

[samac]

I have to say I'm very proud of you, even as a stranger. Great decision.

 

[NotWayneBrady]

Just want everyone to know this! Left the boyfriend. Moved back in with my parents. Confirmed my seat deposit and will be attending medical school in the fall!

Congrats!

Ultimatums are a joke.

Preach.