Unsupportive family members

[Overload]

I'm getting really aggravated in terms of support of my family members. It's driving me nuts to not getting any support at all but mocking from my family...

At the age of 18 I was the first one in my entire family (including uncles, aunts, cousins, it comes up to almost 40 people) that went to university. Actually, I'm one of few who has even finished high school. I made the decision to do one year abroad (in US), and then weighing the odds whether to continue in the US, or pursue higher education in Western-Europe in my home country (the Netherlands). I chose the last one, because it was cheaper.

Now, I've been accepted into law school (which is just undergraduate to receive your L.L.B), and converting my grades to the US grade point average, I have a 3,9GPA. Outstanding if you ask me (and no, that's not being arrogant, but being self-conscious). Still, no support from my family though. My mother has kept telling me, and I quote, "I'd rather see you working at the grocery store, 'cause going to school costs you money, and working at the store does not". Well, I pursued my own business, which is quite successful if I look at the results, but no, I'm considered, and I quote, "A lazy *ss who doesn't know what real working is".

It just keeps bothering me, especially when I told my parents that I'll apply for medical school in the Australia and possibly the UK as well (if I don't get accepted in Australia). Again, they do all their best to nag at me.

The realization of my family not accepting my career choice has actually come last monday at my grandmother's funeral. Now, that's not the right place to talk about your career aspirations, but you can feel the tensity of your whole family being against you. I was the only one wearing a suit (which I believe is appropriate when attending a funeral), and because of that I got all weird faces staring at me.

I'm just completely lost. I want my family to be proud of me, and that I can share my experiences with them. Perhaps even be a role model to my younger sister who's in high school. But no, my father has prohibited me to talk about career choices with my sister...

Should I just live my own life, and keep contact at a minimum, or to confront my family with their behavior??

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[ILikeDrugs]

I think you should confront your family and tell them about how you feel about their behavior and how it's affecting you emotionally. Tell them what kind of relationship you would like with them. If they still don't come around and at least meet you half way, figuratively speaking, well, I won't tell you to ditch your family but you may have to make the hard choice of leaving them behind to pursue your life goals. This is your life. There's not point in being miserable and trying to live the life that someone else wants for you when you know that that isn't the life that you want for your self.

 

[elmnt61]

It seems like you've already made your decision, and you know it's the right one. I commend you for doing what you've done!! Pretty incredible to break a cycle like that. Your family sounds threatened and jealous of your ambition... which isn't uncommon.

I get the feeling that you've tried to talk to them about your decisions... well, if that is not working, then you've got to do your own thing and not look back. They'll always be your family, you're not telling them you don't love them or anything.

My dad was in a similar situation. After he graduated college his dad told him "well, i guess you'll come back and work in the post office in town now.. there's an opening." His parents were extremely controlling...even into his adulthood! At that point, my dad had already 'left the building'. He did his own thing his own way, and is very proud of it.

 

[BJJ]

theyre jealous that you'll be making more than 8.50/ hr

 

[gravitywave]

sometimes people walk away from a family life that is destructive for them. it does happen, and these people are the better for it.

they are your blood, and you have a very strong character to still want your relationships with them. just know when to walk away, and that it's all right if you do.

 

[Narmerguy]

sometimes people walk away from a family life that is destructive for them. it does happen, and these people are the better for it.

they are your blood, and you have a very strong character to still want your relationships with them. just know when to walk away, and that it's all right if you do.

Great advice. 👍

OP, family relations is one of the hardest thing to navigate and I have the utmost respect to you for trying to work through it.

 

[familyaerospace]

My family is also not supportive (ironically most of them are Dutch as well, but born in the US). My family and I don't speak. I think it is safer for all of us that way.

 

[La Doctora]

I don't think your confronting them will change their perspective or position with you. I have had a similar situation and I actually walked away from family and cut off contact at one point before I even stepped foot into college. The truth is you're of a different standard and you want to better yourself and your situation + life, they are happy with not accelerating toward something more. If they love no education and working at grocery stores, then that is all they're capable of. They are doing the least possible to obtain a "comfort" in their life. You need to not let things hinder you, focus on what it is you want to do. If that involves them not being in the equation, do not feel guilty. Do not let anything hold you back.
It may sound harsh to some, but it was the only way for me to go forward in life, and I had to choose and I made a choice to let go of family because they were the cinder block that threatened to pull me under.

You already know what has to be done, you got to help yourself excel in life first. It's about you right now. Sorry if that seems harsh 🙁

 

[Overload]

Thanks for all the advice guys.

I think the most important thing why I try to maintain a relationship with them, is because I have a younger sister. I want her to have the same opportunities I've been getting, and I don't want her to end up like most of my cousins. I try to be a role model for her, and to let her know that life has so much great to offer. Unfortunately, my parents keep telling her other ****. It puts so much hatred in me that sometimes I just want to slap them in their face, and flip them off.

Another thing I've been thinking about for quite a while is my future relationship with my sister. I don't want her to be brainwashed by my parents telling her not to have contact with me. I know my parents will most likely tell her something like, "Your brother has preferred his education and career above you, don't you ever stay in contact with him, because neither did he". That just breaks my heart if I even think about that. What if my parents are gone, and I'm in my forties or fifties, and the last time I've seen my sister was when she was a teenager.

My family is also not supportive (ironically most of them are Dutch as well, but born in the US). My family and I don't speak. I think it is safer for all of us that way.

Ah, there's an old Dutch saying that implies that being ambitious, and aiming for the better opportunities is a bad thing. Perhaps our relatives are old-fashioned and stick to old 19th century's proverbs 😉

 

[Cruzerthebruzer]

Are you still living with your family? I personally would try to change that asap, not having support is bad enough, but having your family scorn you during important times of your life is going to hinder you.

 

[Overload]

Are you still living with your family? I personally would try to change that asap, not having support is bad enough, but having your family scorn you during important times of your life is going to hinder you.

Fortunately, for my work I travel a lot, but other than that I do live with them. I am in the process though of moving out. March 6, I will get the keys to an apartment one hour away from them. So yeah, that's something to look out for.

 

[Cruzerthebruzer]

I think that will have an incredibly positive affect on your psyche. Good for you 😀

 

[dolcissimo]

The truth is you're of a different standard and you want to better yourself and your situation + life, they are happy with not accelerating toward something more. If they love no education and working at grocery stores, then that is all they're capable of. They are doing the least possible to obtain a "comfort" in their life.

This quote reminds me of a study I read about a general difference in outlooks between educated and uneducated people. Educated folk tend to value opportunities that require delayed gratification, but with a larger payoff in the end. Uneducated people - in general - seek instant gratification and may not value long-term planning as much. (The study speculated that this may result in less educated people having higher incidents of cigarette smoking and/or drug use...though of course this is not a social "rule" given countless exceptions.)

OP, perhaps your family is being critical because of your relative difference in values. They may not support you because they don't understand that you are making a huge investment - an investment in yourself - by sacrificing your time and money for a reward that seems much too distant and demanding than they think is worthwhile. They may think that you're being irresponsible by putting yourself in so much debt and putting your immediate financial obligations in jeopardy (which is what it looks like from a short-term perspective).

I think you're making a great decision that you will be happy with and you should be proud of as you continue on this path. However, by understanding the reason behind your family's perspective, maybe you won't be too discouraged and perhaps you will then be able to help them respect your point of view. I would hardly ever recommend cutting ties with your family. Family is one of the most important resources we can have and although they aren't giving you support now, having people who care about you and whom you can trust is/will be extremely valuable.

 

[Overload]

Okay, so I confronted them. Actually it was more of a coincidence since I didn't plan it out. However, when I got back home yesterday my sister handed me her school report. She had horrible grades, so I told her to study more efficiently. After that my father got quite mad at me as he roared that he'd rather have my sister moving from party to party than solitarily studying in her room surrounded by narrow walls.

So after he'd yelled at me, I furiously spoke my mind. I gotta say, I'm not a yeller, but that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I admitted that I myself am a workaholic, and I told my dad he can **** off. I pulled out some suitcases, and put in some luggage. Now I'm staying in a hotel, and I started writing my parents and sister a letter confronting them with my thoughts and my perspective on them, and how they should change in order to offer my younger sister a brighter future.

This monday I'll be staying at a friend's house, cause I don't want to pay 50 euros a night till March when I'll be able to move in my new apartment. Honestly, it's a big relief, and it feels as if a huge burden has fallen off my shoulders.

OP, perhaps your family is being critical because of your relative difference in values. They may not support you because they don't understand that you are making a huge investment - an investment in yourself - by sacrificing your time and money for a reward that seems much too distant and demanding than they think is worthwhile. They may think that you're being irresponsible by putting yourself in so much debt and putting your immediate financial obligations in jeopardy (which is what it looks like from a short-term perspective).

Luckily for me I don't have to financially sacrifice a lot, and to put myself in an endless debt. I'm fortunate enough to have earned way enough with my business to be able to pay for medical school without taking any loans whatsoever (that's why I started my business in the first place).

 

[BJJ]

good for you man. I hope everything works out for you and you get the chance to become a great physician. We may have been switched at hospitals so you can have your workaholic parents back.

 

[TheRealAshland]

Sometimes success is measured differently to other people. Some people are scared of growth or change, things that appear foreign. But that all boils down to their own ignorance. That is simply something that is there problem and they have to deal with. You are doing a great thing that will impact a lot of lives, yes med school is expensive, more so then almost any other profession. But the perks and job out look are great.Your almost guaranteed some sort of employment. A grocery store can and will go out of business, but you never hardly hear of a hospital going out business....

Just continue on your path. It's there lost not theirs.

 

[shreds]

They are completely unaware of your situation. Nobody in your family went so far academically as you have. So don't listen to them and never let them get to you.
They are the most incompetent people when it comes to judging you regarding your career.
When they are old and you are making money they are going to beg for you to support them.

 

[iusesharpies]

They are completely unaware of your situation. Nobody in your family went so far academically as you have. So don't listen to them and never let them get to you.
They are the most incompetent people when it comes to judging you regarding your career.
When they are old and you are making money they are going to beg for you to support them.

Getting a little carried away...