What do y'all think of this sample PS?

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Hey everyone!

I'm currently working on my personal statement (I'm applying DO) and I've been looking over some sample PSs around the web. I found this one and liked it because it seemed direct and to the point, covered career and personal aspirations and demonstrating competencies through personal accounts.

I'd like some other people's opinions on this PS as I may model my own after its format and style. I believe it is for a peds residency and not med school, but I figure they cover similar grounds.

Thanks!
 
This is my opinion but whenever I write for fellowships and scholarships I have been told never to look at other similiar essay since its too easy to be influenced by them and then you lose your voice. When its time for PS writing I will likely do the same
 
Hobakie said:
This is my opinion but whenever I write for fellowships and scholarships I have been told never to look at other similiar essay since its too easy to be influenced by them and then you lose your voice. When its time for PS writing I will likely do the same
Click to expand...
This is a good point. Perhaps mitigated by injection of one's own experiences? Taken into account!
 
Things I liked about the essay: Thesis in the beginning (professional writing tip #1...), fortaste at the end of intro, consistent structure throughout background points, and overall sense of completion.

Things I wished the essay had done more:
1) Explicitly distinguish why medicine vs the three jobs suggested
2) More details/evidence to support vague points such as "I was able to initiate changes that improved the way we served our members and administered programs," or "his patients felt involved and in control." I would usually follow such points with "For instance, blah blah blah." Actually, what's strange about the latter statement "his patients felt involved and in control" is that his patients are children... they are not exactly in control given that parents are the ones making medical decisions except in rare cases.
3) "My indulgence is ice cream" > Sigh... if the topic is supporting your temperament, then saying you like ice cream is sort of a weird/unnecessary/juvenile supporting detail.
4) There's a bit of fluff to work through. I'm sure the majority of accredited programs are "well structured" and "well administered". Words such as "obviously", "of course", and "naturally" are also quite off putting.
5) The author seemed to think that transitions weren't necessary when he has already given a summary of what is to come in the intro. Highly advise that you actively try to transition between points.

Take the good of several personal statements, but don't try to emulate it like @Hobakie said.
 
Is this a PS for residency applications? It is pretty well written, but I have heard it isn't advisable to write a whole PS for med school about how you're focused on one specialty. It comes off as less "why medicine" and more why the author is an awesome person who happens to be gung ho about Peds
 
goldy490 said:
Is this a PS for residency applications? It is pretty well written, but I have heard it isn't advisable to write a whole PS for med school about how you're focused on one specialty. It comes off as less "why medicine" and more why the author is an awesome person who happens to be gung ho about Peds
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Oh no mate. If he were writing for residency, he would have more supporting details about clinical experiences than simply shadowing a ped doc.
XD
 
This is a personal statement for residency positions. I'd stray away from it.
 
Thanks everyone. I have a better sense of what to do now. I can see the drawbacks of the linked PS.
 
In your PS, I would be sure to highlight an experience in medicine that resonates with you and relate that to how you want to make an impact in medicine. In general, I personally feel that it's not enough to say "want to change policy" or "want to help people." What negative things have you noticed in our society as it relates to medicine? What type of policies do you want to change? Who do you want to work with specifically? How have your experiences brought you to this epiphany?
 
Is it just me, but I thought the linked PS was merely ok for a few reasons. The sentence structure felt a bit repetitive, it stated a lot of very obvious things "educators teach"... (oh really, is that what they do?), it crammed a lot of ideas without fully articulating them, and had a few metaphors. The author didn't really convince me of their love for children or pediatrics either, which is probably important.
 
There is no perfect PS. You can make it generic and boring and it won't hurt or help you, or you can find your own voice and be honest about who you are and hope that one or two people who actually take the time to read it find it refreshing and want to meet you based on it.
 
tea guzzling traveler said:
Is it just me, but I thought the linked PS was merely ok for a few reasons. The sentence structure felt a bit repetitive, it stated a lot of very obvious things "educators teach"... (oh really, is that what they do?), it crammed a lot of ideas without fully articulating them, and had a few metaphors. The author didn't really convince me of their love for children or pediatrics either, which is probably important.
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Yea, I read the PS moreso for overall content rather than cohesiveness haha
 
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~Average to bad for a medical school application. Terrible for a residency application.
 
I think we can safely assume that the handwritten "one of the best I've ever read!" at the bottom of the page was scrawled by the PS writer himself. Or maybe his mom.
 
Pre-dent here, but I thought I'd drop by and give my two cents because I love trying to master the craft of a great PS. I've written a couple before for the Fulbright and my college's health committee (10-pager requirement-- yikes. That one was the most stressful!), and I've generally received positive feedback for them all. To be frank, I found the sample personal statement to be boring and generic, so I'm confused as to how the bottom reads "one of the best I've ever read!" 😕 Where are the details and personal touches? The "show and not tell" perspective? Voice? Style? If I was part of the admissions board and came across this PS, no thoughts would rile up in my mind to say "Yes! I want to interview this person!" They read hundreds of essays, and this one just seems forgettable to me. Personal statements can be difficult to write (at least I find it to be), so while it is nice to read sample essays as inspiration, I don't believe this should be one of them. Then again, this is just my opinion and evaluating personal statements are entirely subjective so ...
 
Perhaps I've become used to the more creative and free-thinking writing of college app personal statements, but I almost fell asleep reading this. It's got all the meat and none of the sizzle. Generic, plain, boring, and devoid of personality.

Then again, I don't know the first thing of what med schools or residencies look for in a PS either, so I'll stop talking.
 
Awful, in my opinion. It gradually took the shape of a cookie, word by word.
 
These are pretty good essays in case you need a better reference:
summa.stanford.edu/resources/samplestatements.doc

The structures of these essays are quite similar... but the details/evidence these authors bring to support their points tend to be very creative/unique/interesting. That is key.
The highlight of your essay should be in the insight and evidence you bring to the table, and not necessarily the creativeness of the structure (like a haiku) or the creativeness of the wording (annoying poetic language). Exceptions can be made if you are a literary genius, but the majority of us aren't that talented.
 
Holmwood said:
These are pretty good essays in case you need a better reference:
summa.stanford.edu/resources/samplestatements.doc

The structures of these essays are quite similar... but the details/evidence these authors bring to support their points tend to be very creative/unique/interesting. That is key.
The highlight of your essay should be in the insight and evidence you bring to the table, and not necessarily the creativeness of the structure (like a haiku) or the creativeness of the wording (annoying poetic language). Exceptions can be made if you are a literary genius, but the majority of us aren't that talented.
Click to expand...


Lol, that's not at all intimidating...
 
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