What do you think about this essay?

[Near]

It's for a scholarship. Recommended amount is 200 words, and I'm already around that. The topic is "Tell us what makes you a good college student?".

"In my opinion, there's one main reason I'm a good college student: Motivation. I have a desire to become a dentist one day, and I'm determined to excel in what it takes to accomplish that dream. In my life, I've found that an honest investment in determination and preparation has far more dividends than natural intelligence alone. For example, as a duel enrollment student at 15, I was able to hone my study and time management schools at the collegiate level. This eased the transition from high school to college significantly, and I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to duel enroll.

The act of simply having a goal in mind is also very advantageous. It's one of the many, if not one of the more compelling reasons to maintain and produce excellent studying habits, meaningful relationships with peers and professors, and competitive grades. In my opinion, a goal is the difference between average and exceptional. Thomas Edison once said, "Genius is one per cent inspiration, ninety-nine per cent perspiration". I think that quote applies to many aspects of life, especially to me, as a college student. I just know I'll be looking forward to sweating on the road to becoming a dentist."


I feel like I've been posting too many threads in this section.

Thanks guys.

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[dru180]

not a bad rough draft at all. However, as we all know, college is WAY more than just getting good grades. Being a great college student is about managing your time effectively enough so that you can get good grades AND participate in extracurricular activities. College is about evolving as a person, and growing up. Its about learning how to not only survive on your own, but thrive on your own. Most of the important skills and knowledge you learn while in college cannot be taught in the classroom. They are lessons learned by experiencing college to its fullest (in and out of the classroom).

IMO, that is what defines a great college student. You have covered the academic part and the determination you have, which is great. But, that is what is generally expected of any college student. I think if you really want to nail the essay, you should condense the two paragraphs into one, and talk about what else it is that you do that makes you a great college student.

(can you tell ive been writing too many secondaries )

Good Luck! Its time for me to head to the bar!

 

[Near]

Ah, thanks so much! I'll be sure to mention my extracurricular activities.

 

[UCSFplayboy]

It's for a scholarship. Recommended amount is 200 words, and I'm already around that. The topic is "Tell us what makes you a good college student?".

"In my opinion, there's one main reason I'm a good college student: Motivation. I have a desire to become a dentist one day, and I'm determined to excel in what it takes to accomplish that dream. In my life, I've found that an honest investment in determination and preparation has far more dividends than natural intelligence alone. For example, as a duel enrollment student at 15, I was able to hone my study and time management schools at the collegiate level. This eased the transition from high school to college significantly, and I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to duel enroll.

The act of simply having a goal in mind is also very advantageous. It's one of the many, if not one of the more compelling reasons to maintain and produce excellent studying habits, meaningful relationships with peers and professors, and competitive grades. In my opinion, a goal is the difference between average and exceptional. Thomas Edison once said, "Genius is one per cent inspiration, ninety-nine per cent perspiration". I think that quote applies to many aspects of life, especially to me, as a college student. I just know I'll be looking forward to sweating on the road to becoming a dentist."


I feel like I've been posting too many threads in this section.

Thanks guys.

Paragraph 1:

1) Why is "Motivation" capitalized?

2) Your example doesn't illustrate the concept in the previous sentence. You suggest something about "determination and intelligence," specifically how an investment in those two qualities leads to something important. The example following doesn't remote describe or illustrate anything about "determination and intelligence." You're using a series of keywords, but you're not using them in the right context.


Paragraph 2:

1) "...is also very advantageous" - The word advantageous is used in a very vague and abstract way. What do you mean by that word? I get a sense that you intended to say, "...having a goal is a pre-requisite for success," since what follows seems to suggest that. Choose your words carefully. Great writing isn't something eloquent and sounds melodious. Great writing conveys what you intended.

2) Second sentence isn't actually a sentence. Watch for grammar.

3) This paragraph feels like a rambling of different, non-cohesive ideas.

Overall:

Your writing is better than most, but it needs polishing.

 

[wodehouse]

duel:

1. A prearranged, formal combat between two persons, usually fought to settle a point of honor.