What really matters...

[warriorpoet85]

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[Joannavr]

I have been divorced and therefore no longer live in the "Love is all we need" fantasy. I wanted to go into medicine before I was married, and didn't go to school because it didn't work with us. That was a mistake. If its "meant to be", it will work out when you're following your dream. If the person is out the door with a few bumps in the road (and cross country move), then cry in your pillow a few nights and move on. That person was not the only compatible human on Earth for you. You'll meet someone else, AND have your dream.

 

[warriorpoet85]

I can understand that sentiment. I have never been divorced and so I would not even be able to say that I relate to where you are coming from. I think that it is necessary for the other person to be willing to sacrifice things to help you achieve your dreams... that is part of love. And if they aren't willing to sacrifice then you are right, they should be out the door...and I don't know if I'd shed a tear in that case. I probably wouldn't feel like they deserved it.

 

[bravesfan113]

I can understand that sentiment. I have never been divorced and so I would not even be able to say that I relate to where you are coming from. I think that it is necessary for the other person to be willing to sacrifice things to help you achieve your dreams... that is part of love. And if they aren't willing to sacrifice then you are right, they should be out the door...and I don't know if I'd shed a tear in that case. I probably wouldn't feel like they deserved it.

your career will ALWAYS be with you. you will be at work for 8+ hours a day (more for us docs of course). i can't imagine having a career that i hated, because your career is the majority of your life. i can't imagine having a career that i didn't love for that matter

i think having a home life, loving wife, kids, all of that will be great. but you can go to med school and do that too. i wouldn't give up med school for a relationship

 

[warriorpoet85]

I agree with you in that, ideally, the two shouldn't be mutually exclusive (like I said before).

 

[LikeClockWork]

Yeah, my S.O. has already told me that she doesn't want me to go to med school (seeing as it'll be another year until we can get married and 3-4 til kids are a good idea), BUT she has told me she won't let me not go to med school since I won't be happy otherwise. I'd say this is about what premeds with non-premed S.O.'s need to look for. People not in the field don't have a clue to the draw to medicine, but they should know what they don't know. It's not something that you can just get a masters in bio and be the same. You need someone willing to suffer through it with you. Otherwise you may become another one of the divorced-physician statistic.

 

[HumidBeing]

My career goals are the most important to me.

But in my case, I don't have any particular love interest competing with that desire, and I feel no burning need to pass my genes along.

Of course, all of that could change in a flash if my body starts pumping out those love chemicals.

 

[Virgil]

I agree with the above replies 100%. But let me present a little situation:

You get accepted to medical school in California (dream school). She just finished her law degree and got a position at the New York law firm she's been dreaming about ever since she decided law was for her. You are both madly in love. Who would be willing to give up their lifelong dreams for love?

I've heard one too many stories of people giving up their dreams because of relationship troubles. A physician I know, who absolutely loved trauma surgery, had to give it up for family practice because the residency was too long and too time consuming a prospect for his wife and children. My uncle, who was in the 2nd year of his general surgery residency, gave it all up for family practice because he fell in love with a lawyer on some random airplane (left the state where he was doing his surgery residency and moved in with her). Both physicians regret getting in a relationship before they finished their training, and both desperately URGE me to finish my training before I even think about relationships/marriage. I always hear them say "if I could do it again, I would..." Of course, it's a different story for every individual, especially if you're already in a relationship. Otherwise, I would suggest that the 20something year-old, hopeless romantic pre-med hold off until after schooling is over.

 

[Virgil]

My career goals are the most important to me.

But in my case, I don't have any particular love interest competing with that desire, and I feel no burning need to pass my genes along.

Of course, all of that could change in a flash if my body starts pumping out those love chemicals.

You do know they won't pump out by themselves, right?

 

[ChubbyChaser]

I have no plans on getting married.

 

[HumidBeing]

You do know they won't pump out by themselves, right?

Yeah, so I'll just avoid talking to random female lawyers when I fly.

 

[Zyvox]

Everyone has different priorities. As human beings I think we tend to force our priorities on other people and when they deviate from those norms we become confused/angry. And Amwatts, sorry about earlier I didn't mean to be rude and go back and forth with you.

 

[Wylde]

Isn't it ironic that the people society deems most successful (hotshot lawyers, doctors, professors, entrepreneurs, etc.) are the ones who spend the most time working, the least time raising kids and thus the least successful in evolutionary terms. Yet the people who are declared social bums (crack mothers with 8 kids, etc.) are by far more successful in what actually matters for the species.

 

[Virgil]

Everyone has different priorities. As human beings I think we tend to force our priorities on other people and when they deviate from those norms we become confused/angry. And Amwatts, sorry about earlier I didn't mean to be rude and go back and forth with you.

Guilty as charged. Opinions and advice are just that, and we should take them all with a grain of salt.

Yeah, so I'll just avoid talking to random female lawyers when I fly.

A very wise decision.

 

[Virgil]

Isn't it ironic that the people society deems most successful (hotshot lawyers, doctors, professors, entrepreneurs, etc.) are the ones who spend the most time working, the least time raising kids and thus the least successful in evolutionary terms. Yet the people who are declared social bums (crack mothers with 8 kids, etc.) are by far more successful in what actually matters for the species.

Just like Zyvox said, everyone has different priorities. I, for one, don't put much stock in "Darwinian Fitness."

 

[HumidBeing]

Isn't it ironic that the people society deems most successful (hotshot lawyers, doctors, professors, entrepreneurs, etc.) are the ones who spend the most time working, the least time raising kids and thus the least successful in evolutionary terms. Yet the people who are declared social bums (crack mothers with 8 kids, etc.) are by far more successful in what actually matters for the species.

I know from personal experience that's not necessarily so. (Me + 7 siblings = 1 parent professional who works mega hours away from home + 1 parent works mega hours watching us like a hawk) No crack involved.

 

[ChubbyChaser]

I know from personal experience that's not necessarily so. (Me + 7 siblings = 1 parent professional who works mega hours away from home + 1 parent works mega hours watching us like a hawk) No crack involved.

haha same here, well except I was one of 5....I dont think there was crack involved, but I may be mistaken haha

 

[Textuality]

I think the grass might always seem greener after you've made that tough choice.

But if some incarnation of fate made me pick now between a happy marriage with the person I consider my ideal match, and medicine, I'd choose the happy marriage because while the prospect of not being a doctor makes me sad, the thought of never having a happy family of my own is way more depressing. Might just be me.

Maybe it depends which love enters your life most strongly, your love for a specific specialty, or your love for a specific person. As of now, my attachment to my fiance overpowers my curiousity about any particular specialty, and I'm flexible in what I see in my future career path. Very set on my fiance though . You shouldn't be forced to chose by a SO though, anyone who makes that ultimatum of you isn't worth the sacrifice. I include him in my decisions because I love him, not because I'm afraid he'll leave me.

To each their own, we all value our priorities differently.

 

[Wylde]

haha same here, well except I was one of 5....I dont think there was crack involved, but I may be mistaken haha

I guess you never know hehe jk

Obviously I was making a VERY general statement, but you get the point.

 

[ChubbyChaser]

I guess you never know hehe jk

Obviously I was making a VERY general statement, but you get the point.

YOU CALLING MY MOTHER A CRACK HO?!?!?!

O its on now!!!

jk lol

 

[littlealex]

Divorce rate is about 50%. Graduation rate is like 95%.

You hope to meet a girl that understands you. You shouldn't have to give up your dreams because your significant other.
Like many posters before me said, if she understands, she's worth keeping. If she doesn't understand, well, she's probably not the one.

So there's really no question.

 

[ar2388]

im really happy that this thread was started.. i have been with my boyfriend since senior year of high school. we both gave up better colleges to stay in NYC together (he gave up cornell - without! telling me because he knew i would make him go. he goes to a CUNY right now. I gave up Harvard for Barnard in NYC). I have to say that I am very happy we made that choice. there have been a few instances of really crappy times. ANYWAYYYYYY... next year, senior yr of college, we are moving in together. he will be applying to chemistry graduate program and i will be applying to medical schools. We will both be applying to common cities - i.e. NYC and Boston because neither one of us can drive. We will be deciding together about our future. the only stipulation I have is that if i get into Harvard med i will go. but thats not an issue because im not gonna get in. So, for us, we will try our best to stay together for school and definitely to do our best to live together. I think that living together will help us a lot because we can both just collapse into bed after a long day of studying and not have any weird jealousies or fears entering our heads.

sorry for the rant.... point is. we want to stay together and want to do everything possible

 

[warriorpoet85]

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[VoiceofReason]

There is nothing more important than having a career that you love. Hoping that someone else will complete you and bring you happiness is a huge gamble, as people seem to have minds of their own and can get up and leave for any, all, or no reasons.

Learn to be happy and comfortable in a career that you love. Nobody can take that from you the way that happiness stemming from a relationship can be taken away.. without any recourse. It's what I keep telling my exgirlfriend who constantly complains to me that she can't find a man and it's making her depressed. I tell her she needs to find happiness in something like a career, and stop looking to other people to make complete her or make her happy.

Now of course there are people who will read this post and only see someone trying to say that you should never have a relationship, so this last paragraph is for you. I'm not saying that at all. Relationships are awesome too and they are important to have, they just can't be the only thing in your life.

Your first goal is to be happy and complete by yourself, with things like a career and hobbies that bring you personal satisfaction. No number of failed relationships can bring you down if you have that to fall back on.

 

[DoctorDreamer]

I believe your marriage/family is A/#1 important, but not in a dating relationship.

If you end up with someone and give up your dream career because of them, you're more likely to resent them for that, and it will cause marital problems.

The right person will support you through your dreams. This is about pursuing your dreams and finding a person who fits with those to commit to. Once you've committed (marriage), they should come before your career, but you should have committed to someone who supports your dreams and career.

It doesn't make sense to stick by a dating relationship before med school if that person won't even support your dreams now... That's not a foundation for a happy relationship down the road for either person.

 

[Chizwheel]

Many good points made here but keep in mind that as you get older and further along in your career your priorities and needs will change. I guarantee where your priorities are at this point in your life will be different when you are 30 or 40 or 50. Nobody can tell you which is more important, it's one of those things that you have to honestly ask yourself and determine on your own and with your S.O. (if you have one)

 

[warriorpoet85]

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[teachmed27]

You hope to meet a girl that understands you. You shouldn't have to give up your dreams because your significant other.
Like many posters before me said, if she understands, she's worth keeping. If she doesn't understand, well, she's probably not the one.

Well put. Years ago, I promised myself that I would not let a girl come between me and my career goals. I make this point pretty clear when any relation starts heading in the more "serious" category. I have to take care of myself before I can take care of others.