What should I do?

[Fish Wish]

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I have struggled a lot this year. This has been one of the most difficult and challenging years of my life.

Personally, I have gone through a lot. You know, the normal parent caught cheating and having to be the support for your mother to stand strong in a divorce, and feeling like it's all your responsibility to keep everything together, but then, after the entire song and dance, your parents decide to stay together because of their oppressive culture that favors male-forgiveness. On the side, struggling to work and pay my own tuition with no help (second semester I finally took out a federal loan to cut myself some slack), migraines and nausea that occur at least weekly, and inability to study.

I don't know how to explain how miserable I felt this entire year. I commute because it's cheaper, and I don't yet have a licence (or a car for that matter), so in the beginning I had to rely on a sibling to get to get to classes. This was terrible. He wouldn't wake up to bring me to my classes, even though I would spend 2 hours trying to wake him up. My class would be at 10:25, and he would step in the shower at 10:20. It takes 20 minutes to get to school. I missed most of my Algebra and Calc I, at 845 AM because no one could bring me. No public transportation ran at that time either. It was very depressing.

I then relied on my dad to bring me to and from school, so I would have to wake up extra early to go to school. This became more and more uncomfortable as the year went on and things unraveled. I could never stand up to my father because I relied on him for rides and I am forced to be in close proximity with him multiple times a day.

At school, I couldn't absorb any information. I was stressed out of my mind when I was in class, I don't know why. I was not immersed in my academics at all. If I wasn't stressed out in class, I was falling asleep. In fact, this became a large problem for me. If left alone, I would sleep for 12+ hours, then fall asleep during the day. I went to my doctor about this who ordered blood work, which all came back normal.

When it was time to actually study, after 5 minutes, I would feel extremely anxious. Sometimes, I would have trouble breathing and start crying. Usually I would lay down or go to sleep to stop feeling that way.

I felt toxic. I couldn't speak to anyone about what was going on in my life, and what was going on with me. I have been too embarrassed to ask for help. My grades are humiliating, the fact that I spend most of my time doing other things (internet, sleep) to get my mind off of academic/life anxiety is embarrassing, and I had not idea what was happening.

Here are my grades from freshman year.

Fall 2015
Algebra and calculus I: D
General Biology I: B-
General Chemistry: C
Spanish 208: A-
General Chemistry Lab: B-
Writing and Critical Inquiry: C+

Spring 2016
Algebra and calculus II: D
General Biology II: D+
General Chemistry II: D
Spanish: B-
General Chemistry Lab: B

This summer:
Organic Chemistry I, Calculus I


I haven't spoken to anyone about any of this, because I am so embarrassed about my grades and life. I figured that even though this is an anonymous forum this would be a step. If you could give me your advice on what I should do/ opinion on what happened, or literally anything I would appreciate it a lot.

So far, I have planned to take driving lessons ($500, expensive but necessary) so I don't have to be a burden on anyone. I also need to retake classes but I am unsure of when and in what order.

Thank you so much for reading this incredibly long post.

 

[tskbdmnd]

Dude everyone has years. Every human on this earth has years. Like 80 of em each in america they say. Sometimes they suck, whatever. You're expected to excel. Excel.

Get a notebook and a textbook. Open the textbook to a chapter you want to learn. Take notes from that chapter onto your notebook. Try to retain this knowledge. If there are practice problems do them.

Did you take specialized algebra courses that covered the algebra commonly used in the teaching of american calculus courses?

 

[queenoftheclouds]

You let all of it get to you, but don't let that be an excuse for why you can't perform to your potential. You don't want to be telling the same story for the rest of your life, you want to be telling how you recovered from all this... that **** hit the fan, but you didn't let that stop you, even if you've had a moment of weakness. Makes for a better story. 🙂

At this time, start evaluating logically and try not to let your emotions guide you. You don't need to talk about your bad grades if you're embarrassed. If you really feel the need to talk to someone, opening up to a trusted friend or someone professional may help clear your head.

Currently going through the roughest year I've had in a while as well. Ironically, I bury myself in school whenever everything outside of that is falling apart... Just keep yourself busy and productive. Be focused, figure out what you want to achieve and make a list of goals. Work on those goals. Progress like this won't happen overnight, but if you focus, and get stuff done... in half a year's time, you'll start realizing how you turned your life around.

Also don't spend time worrying about what happened already; focus on what's ahead of you and make sure you do your best to excel in everything you do from now on. Give it your best effort. Those courses you're taking this summer? Do well in those. This is the first step.

 

[Fish Wish]

Dude everyone has years. Every human on this earth has years. Like 80 of em each in america they say. Sometimes they suck, whatever. You're expected to excel. Excel.

Get a notebook and a textbook. Open the textbook to a chapter you want to learn. Take notes from that chapter onto your notebook. Try to retain this knowledge. If there are practice problems do them.

Did you take specialized algebra courses that covered the algebra commonly used in the teaching of american calculus courses?

Thank you for your reply! I took pre-calc if that's what you mean.

 

[wanderingorion]

Do you need driving lessons to obtain your license?
IMO, maybe you should reconsider taking summer course with all that is going on. Take a break this summer, and re-enroll in the classes you did poorly in next semester.

I'm sorry to hear that this year has been rough on you, but you can overcome. Just make a plan and take it one day at a time.

 

[Fish Wish]

Do you need driving lessons to obtain your license?
IMO, maybe you should reconsider taking summer course with all that is going on. Take a break this summer, and re-enroll in the classes you did poorly in next semester.

I'm sorry to hear that this year has been rough on you, but you can overcome. Just make a plan and take it one day at a time.

Yeah, no one at home is available to teach me and when my dad is available he only has his work car (which I can't drive). Thank you for your support!

 

[Fish Wish]

You let all of it get to you, but don't let that be an excuse for why you can't perform to your potential. You don't want to be telling the same story for the rest of your life, you want to be telling how you recovered from all this... that **** hit the fan, but you didn't let that stop you, even if you've had a moment of weakness. Makes for a better story. 🙂

At this time, start evaluating logically and try not to let your emotions guide you. You don't need to talk about your bad grades if you're embarrassed. If you really feel the need to talk to someone, opening up to a trusted friend or someone professional may help clear your head.

Currently going through the roughest year I've had in a while as well. Ironically, I bury myself in school whenever everything outside of that is falling apart... Just keep yourself busy and productive. Be focused, figure out what you want to achieve and make a list of goals. Work on those goals. Progress like this won't happen overnight, but if you focus, and get stuff done... in half a year's time, you'll start realizing how you turned your life around.

Also don't spend time worrying about what happened already; focus on what's ahead of you and make sure you do your best to excel in everything you do from now on. Give it your best effort. Those courses you're taking this summer? Do well in those. This is the first step.

You're right, it should not be an excuse. I definitely need to evaluate whats actually happening vs letting my emotions guide me. Thank you so much!

 

[ProspectiveKidd]

Don't dig yourself any deeper. I would suggest not taking any additional classes until you get your health and transportation issues sorted. That's your next move. You can always retake those classes when you're ready.

 

[Crayola227]

yes you can come back from this

first, self-care
http://forums.studentdoctor.net/threads/directions-out-of-burn-out-central.1198973/#post-17736204

you went to your doctor and checked out OK with labs, and SDN isn't a place for medical advice, but I am still concerned you may have a situational depression, etc, based on what you've said I think you could benefit by seeking out more mental health care. If your doc suggests meds and psychotherapy seriously consider pursuing them. If your doc didn't suggest these things, please print out your post and give it to them.

(The fact that your doc took labs and they were normal should not be taken for more than what it is. Anyone who expresses the symptoms you do even with a clear inciting cause of psychiatric distress, is still going to have some basic labs done to be sure other things like hypothyroidism or anemia aren't contributing to things like fatigue, etc.)

I also highly recommend Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families.
http://www.adultchildren.org/lit-Laundry_List

You need to open up to someone and get your family life and feelings sorted out before continuing in school. Better to take a break and come back strong than to have any more semesters like this.

Also, if you are very serious about medical school you will be taking out close to $300K in debt, which makes even $20K undergraduate debt look like nothing. Don't be so frugal with loans in undergrad that you defeat yourself. That doesn't make financial sense either.

Your school will only give you so much per disbursement, and a car isn't on the list of things that you can ask for more financial aid for (repairs yes, purchase no) if you need a bunch at once like to purchase a used car then I would suggest taking out those loans now and saving it up. You can get a safety deposit box for cheap and put it in as cash so any "savings" aren't going to be an issue for financial aid in the future. Get something economical for a car. I think as an undergrad it's better to own it outright than to do payments.

Sounds like you need some independence and structure.

Also, you should go to your school with these troubles. I'm betting there is some sort of student counseling center or a learning center that can help.
This should be a lesson that it's more embarrassing to try to hide your struggles and then do poorly. Better to be more proactive and open and head off trouble sooner.

 

[ronnicus]

Honestly, speaking from personal experience, you should go see a therapist immediately. You may not want to go but force yourself to. You will thank me later, maybe years from now. Seriously, it will help.

 

[Gryffindor20]

Honestly, speaking from personal experience, you should go see a therapist immediately. You may not want to go but force yourself to. You will thank me later, maybe years from now. Seriously, it will help.

^^^^THIS. I went through a really tough time last year, and the year before. You need to address your situational depression, so I would agree with ProspectiveKidd; don't take any summer classes this year. Take a break. Take a breath. Get back on your feet, and then plunge into next school year with the understanding that sometimes life sucks but that it's making you tougher, it's making you stronger, and it's making you more empathetic to future patient who will be facing their own complex family situations. You can do this, OP. The key is to keep your chin up and take care of yourself in this challenging time.

 

[Fish Wish]

Honestly, speaking from personal experience, you should go see a therapist immediately. You may not want to go but force yourself to. You will thank me later, maybe years from now. Seriously, it will help.

^^^^THIS. I went through a really tough time last year, and the year before. You need to address your situational depression, so I would agree with ProspectiveKidd; don't take any summer classes this year. Take a break. Take a breath. Get back on your feet, and then plunge into next school year with the understanding that sometimes life sucks but that it's making you tougher, it's making you stronger, and it's making you more empathetic to future patient who will be facing their own complex family situations. You can do this, OP. The key is to keep your chin up and take care of yourself in this challenging time.

Thank you guys! Seeing a psychologist/ therapist would be difficult due to transportation, so I am unsure if/ how soon I can do this!

 

[Goro]

1) Go to your school's counseling center STAT
2) See if you can change those bad course grades into retroactive withdrawals.
3) Forget about school until you can turn your life around.
4) IF you are struggling with any coursework, the wise thing to do is drop and take a W, rather than bull your way through and get a bad grade.

Can you come back from this? Absolutely. But you're going to have to start making good choices from now on.


Your schools will have resources to help you. Your community may, and your doctor can also advise you.

Thank you guys! Seeing a psychologist/ therapist would be difficult due to transportation, so I am unsure if/ how soon I can do this!

I have struggled a lot this year. This has been one of the most difficult and challenging years of my life.

Personally, I have gone through a lot. You know, the normal parent caught cheating and having to be the support for your mother to stand strong in a divorce, and feeling like it's all your responsibility to keep everything together, but then, after the entire song and dance, your parents decide to stay together because of their oppressive culture that favors male-forgiveness. On the side, struggling to work and pay my own tuition with no help (second semester I finally took out a federal loan to cut myself some slack), migraines and nausea that occur at least weekly, and inability to study.

I don't know how to explain how miserable I felt this entire year. I commute because it's cheaper, and I don't yet have a licence (or a car for that matter), so in the beginning I had to rely on a sibling to get to get to classes. This was terrible. He wouldn't wake up to bring me to my classes, even though I would spend 2 hours trying to wake him up. My class would be at 10:25, and he would step in the shower at 10:20. It takes 20 minutes to get to school. I missed most of my Algebra and Calc I, at 845 AM because no one could bring me. No public transportation ran at that time either. It was very depressing.

I then relied on my dad to bring me to and from school, so I would have to wake up extra early to go to school. This became more and more uncomfortable as the year went on and things unraveled. I could never stand up to my father because I relied on him for rides and I am forced to be in close proximity with him multiple times a day.

At school, I couldn't absorb any information. I was stressed out of my mind when I was in class, I don't know why. I was not immersed in my academics at all. If I wasn't stressed out in class, I was falling asleep. In fact, this became a large problem for me. If left alone, I would sleep for 12+ hours, then fall asleep during the day. I went to my doctor about this who ordered blood work, which all came back normal.

When it was time to actually study, after 5 minutes, I would feel extremely anxious. Sometimes, I would have trouble breathing and start crying. Usually I would lay down or go to sleep to stop feeling that way.

I felt toxic. I couldn't speak to anyone about what was going on in my life, and what was going on with me. I have been too embarrassed to ask for help. My grades are humiliating, the fact that I spend most of my time doing other things (internet, sleep) to get my mind off of academic/life anxiety is embarrassing, and I had not idea what was happening.

Here are my grades from freshman year.

Fall 2015
Algebra and calculus I: D
General Biology I: B-
General Chemistry: C
Spanish 208: A-
General Chemistry Lab: B-
Writing and Critical Inquiry: C+

Spring 2016
Algebra and calculus II: D
General Biology II: D+
General Chemistry II: D
Spanish: B-
General Chemistry Lab: B

This summer:
Organic Chemistry I, Calculus I


I haven't spoken to anyone about any of this, because I am so embarrassed about my grades and life. I figured that even though this is an anonymous forum this would be a step. If you could give me your advice on what I should do/ opinion on what happened, or literally anything I would appreciate it a lot.

So far, I have planned to take driving lessons ($500, expensive but necessary) so I don't have to be a burden on anyone. I also need to retake classes but I am unsure of when and in what order.

Thank you so much for reading this incredibly long post.

 

[Gryffindor20]

Thank you guys! Seeing a psychologist/ therapist would be difficult due to transportation, so I am unsure if/ how soon I can do this!

Usually colleges have free counseling available for students; maybe you could arrange to meet with one of the on-site psychologists/counselors while you are still at school? Although I guess it's not practical for right now. I keep forgetting that most people are on summer break!!! 😛