What to do when spouse leaves you as a prelim?

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lost1

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My wife just dropped the bomb on me a few days ago. I'm curious what others have done. I am supposed to move in a few months for my residency after completing my prelim. I have recently signed my PGY2 contract at this other institution. The big problem is that we have kids. I can't see myself being away from them, but how do I handle the PD at my supposed new program. I'm inclined to break whatever contract regardless of the consequence. What do I do for next year? What have others done? I am realizing I will probably not be able to complete residency in my initial field of choice because of the geographical restrictions.
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Not that I have that much to contribute, but I'm a little confused by your post. Are you saying that your wife is divorcing you, or that you will be seperated from her for a year while she is doing her prelim but still staying together?
 
Divorce, she is non-medical field. I am almost done with my prelim year.
 
I'm in my first (and hopefully only) marriage. I can't imagine what you are going through. The first thing that comes into mind is, will she consider counseling? Or is the situation completely past the point of reconciliation?

If are going to have to find a way to be a part of your children’s lives. Would she consider moving with you to the new location, and then find her own place?
 
Not trying to be an ass, but maybe remind her if she moves with you and makes life as easy for you as possible your kids will eventually have a better life and her a bigger child support/wife support check?

Other than that ask her about counseling? If it is as sudden as it sounds maybe she'll be open to taking some time to see if it can be worked out?
 
We have tried counseling. Part of it is the relationship, but I think it is strained by the demands of my career and most definitely the move. I don't think she is prepared to move and feels pretty bad about taking the kids away from their families. I am torn by this as well, but I guess because it is what I need to do for training it is a little easier for me. I think I will talk to my future PD soon.
 
She knew when you matched last year that you were going to move right? This should not have any effect of her ability handle things. Is she messing around on you? Do what is right for your kids and hope that things will fix themselves with her (either she will clarify more reasoning for her decision or come to the realization that she is running away from her family)...
 
I don't have any advice for you, man, but I just wanted to say good luck to you and your family. I can't imagine what you're going through right now, but I wish you the best.
 
I have great sympathy for you. Unfortunately, people don't understand what it means to commit to marriage before going into it. What i''ll tell you is to go for your resisdency because you don't want to lose on both sides. You've come this far so don't give-up now. Sooner or later she 'll realize the big mistake she 's made if y'alls problem was only location. From my understanding of your post, your marriage is at the point of no return. So take your time , go get your training, visit your kids when you can, show them love now so that when they grow up, they''ll have thier mother to blame for depriving them of a father and a good family.
 
My fiancee of one year just left me. Been together two years. We are from the west coast, met her during my internship, she moved east with me to a very desirable east coast city. I am changing fields and landed a spot in a not so desirable east coast city. We went to this city bought a house and have a 500 people plus wedding that has been planned for a year - to occur in June. I'm talking everything done. Bridesmades dresses, photographer hired, place rented out, plane tickets bought, everything done- and she dropped the bomb on me! Its been killing me. She moved back west and cancelled the wedding. Out of the blue! Found out she is back in contact on a ten x per day basis? Stll talk to her about the weather? has nothing of any substance to say?! I hear ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
in contact with her ex ten x per day! Grass is greener I suppose! I've been in a serious depression over the matter! Out of the blue! She says it happened over night!????
 
I am truly sorry you are both having to go through this. Before I started medical school I had been married for almost 3 years and when my wife (at the time) found out I would be quitting my job and starting medical school she decided to leave. When we were still dating, there were numerous discussions that I had plans to go back to medical school, so this was no surprise to either of us that I was going back to school. Problem is (so far as she was concerned), I had a great job and was making very good money - good enough to where she was basically a stay-at-home wife. No children, thank goodness; only a dog. When the discussions came up that she would have to get a job to help pay for things around the house, she decided it was time to move out.

I was devastated for a while. She decided to leave in March, I was to start school again in August. I had 5 months to get over her and move on. Finally, I decided I was better off without her, got myself a girlfriend who was younger than my younger sister and forgot all about her. Started medical school because I had to follow my dreams. Her grandparents, to this day, tell me it was the worst mistake she'd ever made to leave me. I tend to agree. Now I'm married again, happy as can be. Glad the "hanger-on" is long gone and that part of my life is only an unhappy memory.

Moral of the story: follow your dreams. You are the person who has to live with you, noone else.

I would try to stay in your kids' life as much as possible. Divorces with kids are so messy - wouldn't wish that on anyone.
 
Medicineman:

sounds to me like the fiance was probably never NOT in contact with the ex-

Probably better that she go now before it's too late. You'll be better off without her.
 
lost1 said:
We have tried counseling. Part of it is the relationship, but I think it is strained by the demands of my career and most definitely the move. I don't think she is prepared to move and feels pretty bad about taking the kids away from their families. I am torn by this as well, but I guess because it is what I need to do for training it is a little easier for me. I think I will talk to my future PD soon.
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she doesn't want to take the kids away from their families but will take them away from their father???? that is nonsensical. also, why does she assume she will have full costody?

how old are the kids? if young enough, can they split their time between the two locations? my guess is that your residency is 3 yrs in length. can there be shared costody until your training is complete or until you can (or if you can) transfer to a program near the kids.

i would go to counseling again. if not to reconcile, then to at least come to some agreement about the next three yrs in a civil, fair and MODERATED fashion. i don't think you should have to switch fields...i don't think that may be in the best longterm interest of your kids psychologically (later in life, you don't want them blamming themselves for your life not turning out the way you had hoped) and perhaps financially.

i am so very sorry this is happening to you. i can't imagine getting a divorce esp with children in the picture. good luck to you.
 
One of the things that I told my GF when I went into medicine is that I might end up in a city to do residency that neither of us like but that I would have to go. I told her that I wasnt gonna be denied my chance of training at X or Y program just because she didnt like the location.

I also told her if she loved me she would follow me. Im starting Internship in three months and we are going to be living together.

In other words, medicine takes alot out of a relationship, alot!!! To the original poster, go do your residency training but keep contact with your kids (telephone calls, remember all the birthdays and send presents, send cards or letters even if it's not a holiday), just keep in contact with them, they will remember you thought about them even if you werent there.

Good luck and wish you the best in this situation!!!
 
:( My parents divorced during my father's residency training. I have to say, I am glad that he completed his training and is now a physician with a big private practice. I am very proud of him, and that is one of the reasons why I went into medicine. I know I can always rely on him for advice and financial backing. Oh yeah, he has since met a wonderful woman and is now remarried.

I guess what I'm trying to say is to do your best, go through with your residency training and become a successful doctor. Your kids WILL understand! You will find another partner later in life. The worst thing you can do now is to screw up on your career and worsen your current life situation, because it is going to be really hard for you to find another spot next year. You will miss your kids when you move to another city. However, try to figure out ways to help yourself cope with that.

Good luck!
 
Sorry to hear that man. I don't see any need to try to patch this thing up. If the person cannot stick with you in thick and thin, then move on. The only concern should be the kids.
 
Note to self: Don't get seriously involved with a woman for at least 6 years.

Sigh...at least I'll get really good at masturbation.
 
I really love my husband and I can't imagine leaving him simply cuz he is going to be doing residency somewhere that I don't find ideal.

Oh wait.....that IS our situation!

I worry that there is more going on then what she is telling you. You don't leave someone you love and not have your children around their father, for a reason like this.

And, I can't imagine not supporting hubby in his passion. Its what marriage is all about.

I have loved the ride of med school, rotations, internship. Its not always easy....but it is easy to support.

Good luck! Follow your passion and get back to the kids as quick as you can.

with smiles,
rebecca
 
Lost- Went through this exact thing intern year. Relationship problems to begin with, but the job and distance from home broke her back. We actually have made it through so far, so it can be done. PM me if you want to chat. Steve
 
You leave her. No need to drag a dead horse. Just make proper arrangements for the kids(whom are the true victims here). I don't know the full story, but if it goes something like "I had to move, so she asked for a divorce", then chin-up and move on. It probably wasn't worth it to begin with.
 
Thanks for the replies, support and encouragement. Everyone she talks to seems to have the opposite opinion of what everyone here is saying. I really don't think people outside of medicine understand what it takes to be a doc and how inflexible residency can be. The only thing next year's applicants should take away is that you have no friends in the match. I got f---ed by a couple of programs I should have been a shoe-in at probably for some trivial reason I'll never understand. I matched at a better program, but I wasn't going for prestige. The kids are the priority at this time. I also realize I need to fulfill my dreams to be a better person and therefore parent.
 
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. That really stinks. Is there a program for your specialty at/near the place you're currently living? It would be easier to be involved with your kids if you're closer and it doesn't involve a plane ride to get there. A resident I know matched at a program in another city, but ended up switching residency programs (and specialties) before the start date because of custody issues with an ex.
Good luck.
 
I've been married for almost a decade and have 2 young kids. Moved cross country for my surgical residency 2 years ago, my husband had to sell his business...the whole bit. I know exactly what you are going through. We almost got a divorce the months leading up to the move and he even moved out. We went to counseling and things improved but it is still difficult. This whole matching process is VERY STRESSFUL and taxing on a young family. Just hang in there...beg her to go to counseling with you because there is always a chance you can make it. When my husband and I were going through this it was about the same time frame...it is difficult for our spouses ( all the moving and sacrifices).
 
lost1 said:
My wife just dropped the bomb on me a few days ago. I'm curious what others have done. I am supposed to move in a few months for my residency after completing my prelim. I have recently signed my PGY2 contract at this other institution. The big problem is that we have kids. I can't see myself being away from them, but how do I handle the PD at my supposed new program. I'm inclined to break whatever contract regardless of the consequence. What do I do for next year? What have others done? I am realizing I will probably not be able to complete residency in my initial field of choice because of the geographical restrictions.
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I'm in your situation... 9 years marriage too. Go to your career, you'll find a better person.
 
I was 29 when I got married - been married 17 years. If something happened to us I would never marry again. She is the only woman I have met that is a "good one" - faithful, cooks me 2 or 3 meals a day, never says "no", works hard, encourages me to follow my dreams even when it means very hard times financially.

Other than that many women suck. They are dream killers. They are dishonest. They are gold diggers. Have no regrets about getting custody if the children, have no regrets about having fun only with women without letting them into your heart, your home (never ever ever let a woman have a key to your apartment) or your wallet.
 
before you think of breaking any contracts, you might want to find out if the marriage is able to be saved. Ask her if your staying around would make her change her mind. If not then there's nothing to think about. If so, then you go on to the next step of whether you still think its worth it.
 
Doowai said:
I was 29 when I got married - been married 17 years. If something happened to us I would never marry again. She is the only woman I have met that is a "good one" - faithful, cooks me 2 or 3 meals a day, never says "no", works hard, encourages me to follow my dreams even when it means very hard times financially.

Other than that most women suck. They are dream killers. They are dishonest. They are gold diggers. Have no regrets about getting custody if the children, have no regrets about having fun only with women without letting them into your heart, your home (never ever ever let a woman have a key to your apartment) or your wallet.
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wow, you seem pretty darned bitter. First of all, I highly doubt you met "most women". It's not fair to extrapolate these qualities to every woman other than your wife, who honestly seems more like a servant to you, and if that's what you were looking for, that's fine, but it doesn't mean the other women out there are "gold-diggers" or "dishonest" or sleep with their ex's at the drop of a hat. Maybe the subset of women you happened to date before you met your wife were this way, but there are many of us who are not (even if we dont always have time to cook 2-3 meals a day for a man and tend to his every need). Then again, maybe it was your expectations of a woman to be your servant that made career-focused women not want to be with you.

Speaking for myself, I have much more respect for a man who is looking for a partner in life as opposed to a servant. That doesn't mean i wouldn't want to take care of him, in fact I would want to just because I'd love him, but in my opinion it shouldn't be an expectation from him. I would also want him to support me in my career as much as I would support him in his career.

Anyway, to the OP, sorry for digressing from the original topic. . .I just felt strongly that i had to correct these gross misconceptions expressed by doowai about people of my gender.

I really truly feel for you OP in your situation. Though I dont know all the details of what is going on in your marriage, I suspect this conflict may largely be due to lack of understanding by non-doctors just what kind of sacrifices residency training, and the medical profession in general, take. It's impossible to know just how much is required of us, unless they've actually been through it. This is why sometimes i think a double-doctor relationship is more likely to work out than a relationship with someone in a different career (even nurses), even though it might take a few more sacrifices and cooperation (e.g. time spent together, lack of schedule flexibility sometimes). But 2 people who are going (or went) through the same thing are more likely to understand that e.g. you HAVE to respond to pages as if your life depended on it, post-call you are not going to be in any shape to socialize and may even be irritable and mean, you have no choice about moving to your residency, fellowship etc etc. Otherwise it would take a VERY understanding non-physician spouse with above average level of empathy to be able to support this training/lifestyle.

As others here have already said, this is a tough situation because there are kids involved. Otherwise, i'd also say just move on and forget this. I still say so, but I agree try to do the best you can to stay in your kids' lives and show that you care for them and love them. See if you can transfer from your future program to one closer to your kids once you start there (though if it's a hard-to-get residency, that may be easier said than done). Otherwise, just get through your residency ASAP and make plans to move to where your kids are after you finish. Until then, spend every vacation with them, and as often as you can on the weekends. Dont really know how the custody issue works, but i highly disagree that you should try to make a huge effort to dig up "dirt" on your wife if there's really nothing to dig up. That wouldn't be moral or ethical of you. Besides, if you're occupied with residency and your wife is able to spend more time with your kids right now and is earning more at her job, it would probably be to the kids' benefit (and yours probably) for their mother to have a larger share of custody of them at present. Then again, i really dont know what the exact situation is in your home. It will ultimately on you and your wife's judgements and compromise.

I wish you all the best in this difficult time.
 
Doowai said:
I was 29 when I got married - been married 17 years. If something happened to us I would never marry again. She is the only woman I have met that is a "good one" - faithful, cooks me 2 or 3 meals a day, never says "no", works hard, encourages me to follow my dreams even when it means very hard times financially.

Other than that most women suck. They are dream killers. They are dishonest. They are gold diggers. Have no regrets about getting custody if the children, have no regrets about having fun only with women without letting them into your heart, your home (never ever ever let a woman have a key to your apartment) or your wallet.
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So basically what you're saying is that the ideal wife is an indulgent mother? This might come across as incredibly mean, but you're the same guy who went to a Caribbean med school and hasn't gotten into residency a couple of years in a row, right? I generally refrain from making these kind of judgements, but when someone posts two inflammatory posts in a row (I thought this after reading your first post but wasn't going to write anything until you wrote the second) about how all women suck except the one you married who acts like your mother, all I can say is that someone who seems to hell bent on maintaining women in their place sure doesn't seem to be doing a good job about doing the male role of providing for their family. If you genuinely think that about women, I sure hope you don't get a residency because the 50% of new medical school graduates out there that are female should not have to deal with such a completely misogynistic colleague.

Yes, I know that's harsh. But don't dish it out unless you can take it.

Substitute any racial, ethnic, or religious group in place of women in that previous post and think how disgusting what you have said is.

To the OP--I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I think that's terrible and quite frankly makes no sense that your wife wants to keep the children near family but not their father?! I can't think of a more important family member to keep a child near than his/her own parent. I don't have any advice not having been in such a situation, but it seems that giving up residency in a career that you've chosen may only compound your problems further. Have you talked to a lawyer about custody and that kind of thing?
 
pillowhead said:
So basically what you're saying is that the ideal wife is an indulgent mother? This might come across as incredibly mean, but you're the same guy who went to a Caribbean med school and hasn't gotten into residency a couple of years in a row, right? I generally refrain from making these kind of judgements, but when someone posts two inflammatory posts in a row about how all women suck except the one I married and acts like the mother, all I can say is that someone who seems to hell bent on maintaining women in their place sure doesn't seem to be doing a good job about doing the male role of providing for their family.

Yes, I know that's harsh. But don't dish it out unless you can take it.
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BUUUUUUUUUURRRN!!!! :laugh: I can see that there really IS a reason for residency interviews. The system works after all!!!!
 
On the flip side, it will be better to get a divorce now while you are still poor. Don't make the mistake of dragging this another 5 years only to achieve the same result with more financial loss.
 
I just wanted to say that from my experience with family members and friends getting divorced most all regret not working it out the first time around. The major problem is that we tend to blame our spouse for our unhappiness but reality is that when we leave guess who shows up at the door? Ourself! With our own problems, etc., and we find that each of us is responsible to make a decision to be happy no matter what people do around us. If I don't put the pressure on my husband to make me happy we get along much better.

I just want to say to hang-in-there and don't make any life changing decisions without the wise counsel of others---whether that be trusted friends or family members, clergy, etc.

I have been married almost 11 years and it is hard. I hate that it is hard. I hate that I will often treat a perfect stranger better than my dear husband.

Try to act in a way that you will be proud of. Keep on topic with your wife...don't bring up past fights, etc that have nothing to do with current issues. I'm trying to say that no matter what happens you will feel better knowing that you treated her with respect and validated her fears/concerns and tried everything you could to work it out. When you have children the problems do NOT go away with divorce. I have close family members that have to deal with this. Reality is that you will have to deal with her for the rest of your life because of the children.

The best marriage book I ever read--"Surrendering to Marriage" by Iris Krasnow. It is non-religious and focuses on the "daily-grind" that makes marriage sometimes feel boring or frustrating.

Also a friend was given "Medical Marriages" during intern year. I know several people that almost divorced during intern year even though it seemed that had very stable marriages.

This book has good reviews too--" The Medical Marriage: Sustaining Healthy Relationships for Physicians and Their Families" by Wayne M. Sotile and Mary O. Sotile

I think it is helpful to always know that you are not alone...many people are out there that have been thru this and could offer help.
 
Yea, I hate to pile on here... but both my wife (the doctor to be) and I (the spouse) thought Doowai's manifesto above said more about him than the state of marriage.

To the OP, my sympathies to you as well. I hate to give cliches... but just keep in mind this too will pass, regardless of whether it works out or not. FWIW, I wanted to *thank* you (and others) too for a timely reminder how hard medical marriages can be. I'm picking up one of the books above.
 
Doowai said:
Just sort of thinking out loud, I don't know all the issues involved so take it all with a grain of salt.

Hire a PI, find enough dirt to turn her into an unfit parent - get custody. She probably has a cell phone trail to this guy dating back a long way, and do you know her email account - probably tons of dirt there. Cell phone records are essentially public record. Especially if you can get pics of her drunk, or if she has any hidden drug habits.

Hopefully she makes more money than you at this point - if so go for alimoney and child support. Seriously. I have a female friend who is a general surgeon - just went through divorce and pays her husband alimony (he is an internist). Then maybe you can trade the alimony and child support she owes for increased custody of the children.

Otherwise, chat up the girls in your apartment - make sure they know you are going to be an MD and enjoy life. Remember you are busy so cannot do traditional dates like long dinners and movies - let them think there is a future there for them - meet them after they eat (or after some other guy takes them to dinner), give her some drinks, go back to her place (because yours is a mess or is getting fumigated or whatever) then roll out of bed and hit the road.

Did she ever take any "girls only" weekends during your marraige? If so she definately met this guy then. Its amazing how many women never cut it off with old boyfriends - even after marraige to another guy. Once a guy is "in" with a woman, he always has a doorpass. They never stopped talking. I have this ex-secretary I still get emails from (just friends) - she was HEAVILY religious, pentacostal, just got married - but had sex with one guy before marraige. He is military - and when he is in town she goes for it. I am sure her husband never knows and never suspects. For her its not really like cheating since she had sex with him prior to marriage.

True story - when I did OB - there was a patient who had like 2 vaginas. One was kind of a blind sack. She had sex often with other men, but only let them use the blind sack - and since it was not her true vagina, and she only let her husband have the vagina she did not consider it cheating.

I am not trying to hurt you, I really am not - I want you to realize she has probably been awful to you - women are wwaayyyyy worse than men - and you deserve better and need to get mad and get yours out of this.
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What the F***K???? who is the guy? :eek:
 
dutchman said:
On the flip side, it will be better to get a divorce now while you are still poor. Don't make the mistake of dragging this another 5 years only to achieve the same result with more financial loss.
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I 100% agree with this. Finish this before you are making some serious scratch (and even more so if she is making more money than you serious try and get some alimony - flip the tables on women. All these years they act like they should get a lifetime income simply because they did you the "favor" of sleeping with you. Why can't women take care of themselves when marraiges split up? Why do they need a man to take care of them after it is over, why should they deserve this? I can understand child support if there are children, but it is insane that a man pay women money for prior use).. If you know any of her old friends, women are really catty - you could find some good dirt from them - they probably know if she was with this other guy during your marriage. Its true it would be unfair to the kids to have sole custody of them during your intern year - but afterward it sounds from this little bit like they would be better off with you - they could learn some loyalty and morals. Guys are so trusting ...

I am usually not one to respond to cheap shots and get into arguments by people who really know nothing of me... however 2 main comments : I hardly got married looking for a mother - I was late twenties when I married, had an impeccably maintained apartment that I cleaned, already was making above average income, lived on my own many many years, and certainly now contribute a large share to the domestic work of our house. Second, as far as the cheap shot of not supporting the family (and that is the cheapest shot you can take at a guy, and in this case proves to be entirely wrong ) - shows how quickly you make ignorant assumptions. My wife has been able to do these things (for me and the family) because in the almost 20 years we have been married she has never had to work outside the home except in the past year - that is why she can afford to do these things, I have worked outside the home and she has worked inside the home - which is what she wanted to be, a full time homemaker. All of our years except the last couple I have pulled down a good 6 figures - which is why I graduated with no debt. Even if I don't get into residency, if I return to my former work (owning businesses) I will probably make more than those of you who do family, or pedes, or psyche - probably not more than surgeons, unless health insurance reimbursement takes more of a dive, in which case I very well might. Its a struggle right now with me making a poor income of roughly $40,000 a year while we sacrifice so I can get into residency. I probably will get into residency, I will not make the same mistakes again. And if not, I will probably be making 6 figures before you get out of residency - and my wife will love me, and we will have happy kids.

I have done well supporting the family thanks - I don't need or want a working woman because most of all I wanted a family, and a working woman that is too busy working and neglects the kids is not my idea of a good family partner. I wanted to be the man, wanted a woman who wanted to be a mother who could be there for the kids - and luckily found a woman with similar interests. I would have been very sad for our children if I had a woman who dumped them in day care so she could finish medical school or residency. That is why my 10th grade son is the first person in his grade to take AP college level courses for credit in this state (previously they have been in at least 11th grade), was voted best all around swimmer in high school last year in 9th grade, went to state in swimming, and my grade school daughter finished all the math at her grade school and is one of two students at her grade school who has been taking math at the high school this year. Its largely due to their mother, who is perhaps one of a kind. My ability to support the family is why we live on a freshwater lake, with a pool in a half million dollar house (see previous posts about this being part of the reason I do not want to apply to residencies nationwide like most of you who also have to be willing to move to get into residency. Link : http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=380095&highlight=house+lake especially my posts #24)

Make assumptions all you want, strike low blows such as insulting my ability to support the family (in which case you are wrong) and you only prove yourself to be the mean spirited harpy like women that I would warn him about. I am not bitter , I have nothing to be bitter about - one marriage, 20 years. Lets see you do better (pretty safe bet you won't...I mean you can't). However I am also observant and although I have not had to endure it, have seen so many guys take such abuse from women. I know it makes women mad because it strikes so close to home. The reason there are enduring stereotypes is because they are often so accurate. Sure there are exceptions, like my wife, but even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Remember hot women never drive trucks and never have to support themselves by getting good jobs. Hot women have men that do that for them. Non-hot women buy their own cars and make good income ---- because they have to.
 
I was rethinking about the comment about my wife being a servant. I think she would like that. We have discussed this at many times. I know when we saw TITANIC a number of years ago, what struck her most were the musicians playing music as the ship sank - serving everyone on board with what talent they had until the bitter end. My wife strives to literally be a servant, to be of service. She does so much - serving at church, in school. She would be proud of that and could ask nothing more.

We emphasize service in our house. My son is just finishing up his Eagle project, which is a service project for a widow in our town.

Being a servant is so important. My working so she has not had to is my service to the family.

I know that you women probably want to be doctors so that you can be the "boss", prove how smart you are, be successful, make lots of money and be on a power trip - but if you reread many of my previous posts you will see that the reason I want to be an MD is because I have felt it a calling to be of service to my fellow man. I am good with people and largely its because I really like them - it does not mean that I am blind to their faults, such as the fact most women are gold diggers (why else would most of them expect alimony the rest of their lives for doing nothing - especially since most divorces are instigated by women - and then they have the gall to ask for money- insane).

My wife would be proud to be a servant, as would I. And next year I am pretty sure I will be in residency, probably not in this state - and NOT just so I can have a good paying job - I have had that many years over - but because I want to be of higher service (http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=380095&highlight=money example post #14)
 
medicineman1 said:
My fiancee of one year just left me. Been together two years. We are from the west coast, met her during my internship, she moved east with me to a very desirable east coast city. I am changing fields and landed a spot in a not so desirable east coast city. We went to this city bought a house and have a 500 people plus wedding that has been planned for a year - to occur in June. I'm talking everything done. Bridesmades dresses, photographer hired, place rented out, plane tickets bought, everything done- and she dropped the bomb on me! Its been killing me. She moved back west and cancelled the wedding. Out of the blue! Found out she is back in contact on a ten x per day basis? Stll talk to her about the weather? has nothing of any substance to say?! I hear ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...

DUDE
THAT IS A brutal scenario you just recounted. Thats why you never leave yourself out there. Pre NUP, Pre NUP. I dont care how inlove you are. always have a stash of money hidden somewhere.. move on dude. there is tons of women out there. the next one is always better than the last..
 
Doowai said:
I probably will get into residency,
Click to expand...

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Better luck going back to being Donald Trump w/ your perfect life! Funny how everyone on the internet is rich with a perfect family, job, house and kids.
 
Doowai said:
Remember hot women never drive trucks and never have to support themselves by getting good jobs. Hot women have men that do that for them. Non-hot women buy their own cars and make good income ---- because they have to.
Click to expand...

<sigh>

You go to all the trouble to write a reasonable post explaining your situation and your opinions on gender roles in the modern world. I'm sitting here thinking, "Wow, I don't necessarily agree with this person, but he did finally take the time to detail their feelings in a non-agressive, logical way." Then you toss in this zinger at end, and I want to throw up.

Let me ask you something: If you're really in this happy, supportive marriage, why the open hostility towards women? Your posts in this thread have been inflammatory and insulting towards women in general. Up until now, I had been assuming you were a mid-20's guy who just found out his girlfriend was cheating on him (we've all been there). If your life is as you describe, what possible reason would you have to indict half the world's population as backstabbing gold-diggers?

And please, do not take this question as a chance to respond with something like, "Because they are." I think we all understand your feelings on women, and could probably do without any more mysoginistic comments for a few days. I'm asking a serious question.
 
Doowai

i just read one of your posts about how awful your parents and siblings were to you and i now understand your feelings of inadequacy and your need to project such disdain onto another person.

i suggest some counseling to work through those issues. your servant wife can only do some much in this regard as she does not have the proper training given that she has not been let out of the house for two decades.

i feel sorry for you in so many ways (and your wife too...god do i feel sorry for her). i feel sorry that you didn't match because you have a family to feed but at the same time, it brings me some peace to know that someone with your values (and psychology) will not be in contact with patients. especially given your desire to do FM.

clearly that PD who has managed to blacklist you saw a sliver of what's really there...
 
sequela said:
Doowai

i just read one of your posts about how awful your parents and siblings were to you and i now understand your feelings of inadequacy and your need to project such disdain onto another person.

i suggest some counseling to work through those issues. your servant wife can only do some much in this regard as she does not have the proper training given that she has not been let out of the house for two decades.

i feel sorry for you in so many ways (and your wife too...god do i feel sorry for her). i feel sorry that you didn't match because you have a family to feed but at the same time, it brings me some peace to know that someone with your values (and psychology) will not be in contact with patients. especially given your desire to do FM.

clearly that PD who has managed to blacklist you saw a sliver of what's really there...
Click to expand...

ouch! truth hurts.

doowai:finances are the number one reason for divorce, BUT are you sure it is the woman who is at fault? last time i checked, i have a thing for shiny, LCD sound/video producing equipment with lots and lots of buttons with 4x the number of functions i would ever use in a lifetime. men have their own spending vices...do i even have to mention metal on four wheels.

Also, the man is at fault if he is so blinded by boobs/ass that he can't see the gold digging nature of a woman and MARRIES them. it takes two to say their vows. just consider yourself lucky to have found someone you like/love/enslave.

and your comment on hot women not needing jobs while non-hot women do...keep on smoking crack cuz it's working for you. i've seen attractive female physicians/professionals who don't have to work but work hard nonetheless.
 
Doowai said:
I know that you women probably want to be doctors so that you can be the "boss", prove how smart you are, be successful, make lots of money and be on a power trip ...
Click to expand...
Doowai,

I don't think you should use any sentence which includes the words "know" and "you women". You're just not qualified. You appear to have one subservient sample of the gender in your household, and that's pretty much the extent of your knowledge.

What you're doing here is called "projecting". You said in your previous post that you see yourself as "the man", while your wife is "the mother" and should therefore stay in the home. I think you've at least defined your own definition of what a "man" is: re smart, successful, make lots of money, and have power over others (and especially the fairer sex).

Nowhere in your description of an ideal man is there mention of "being a father"... so, whatever success your kids have achieved proves just how lucky you are they ended up with a great mom. You certainly don't have any grounds for bragging about what your kids have achieved. You describe yourself as willing to be "a servant"... I suspect if you reviewed your life, the extent of your servitude consists of taking on the "burden" of "managing" your wife.

Some day, you might even come to realize your attitude is probably precisely why you're approaching your 50s while making $40k a year... while bragging about potential future income with a group of (mostly) 20 year olds. We don't need you to tell us about the way of man/woman. We may not have had 20 years to prove our relationship prowess quite yet... but most of us have other role models in our lives who show us what a loving, mutually supportive, successful, healthy marriage really is.

Finally... to end this on topic... if your wife happens to realize a life of "servitude" isn't as fulfilling for her as you happen to think it is, what will she have to live on after a divorce? She's been a homemaker for all of her adult life. What do you propose she do for income? Are you sure she's with you because she enjoys serving you, and not because you've essentially bought her life?
 
this last post makes a valid point...a woman who finds herself in a position of complete economic dependence is a woman without many options. hence, your 20 yr marriage.
 
Tough situation. Best wishes.

If you got your chosen field, press on. I wouldn't give up on the path you've chosen. Truth is, you'll be working so much, you'll feel like you live a million miles away, even if you are in the same town. I'm married, 3 kids. Feel like I never see them.

Instead, go to your program. Continue to love the kids. Make it clear you are their father. Strive with your spouse to have a civlized divorce. You're training will end, and you can choose to return to your home-town. Perhaps keeping the children close to extended family (yours and hers) will be a good thing. Finally, use your vacation time to visit them and keep your relationship strong.

If you choose a different specialty so you can stay close to the kids, you'll really get depressed. Long hours, divorce, and working in a field you don't enjoy: recipie for even more disaster.
 
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