When is the RIGHT time to get married?

[happymariahh]

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Hello all, this is my first post. My first question is: how do I delete a thread after I accidentally created one? I wanted to read the other posts on this topic before I reinvented the wheel with this one...

Anyway...I'm in a great relationship of 2 years, and we're beginning to discuss marriage. I'm turning 27, he's 29. I'm applying to med school this year and feel like I have a decent shot at getting in after having done some post-bac/grad work, and finally having received a 30 on the MCAT. I'm leaning towards getting married next summer so that we'll kind of be established in the flow of things from day one. He wants to wait until the next year possibly until he's more stable financially. One the one hand that seems safer, considering the very real possibility that i DONT get in. On the other hand, I don't want to have to deal with planning a wedding, not to mention the huge life transition in the middle of medical school. Any thoughts?

EDIT: Now that I've read the other threads, I'd like to address the timing of childbirth. We've both discussed having a baby after MSIII and perhaps taking a year off. I'll be 31 by then, and its kind of non-negotiable. So the marriage must either be next year (in the summer before MS) or the following (in the summer between MSI and MSII).

 

[sindadel]

Personally I would lean towards getting married between MS-1 and MS-2 since then you'll have a better idea of how your relationship is holding up under the changes and stresses of medical school. Or get married now, and then be married for at least 2 years before starting med school.

Both marriage and med school are important, and IMO, it is pretty crucial to be able focus on each whole-heartedly while you are in it. I have been married for 10 years, and with my husband for 14 - we got married starting grad school, and it was hard starting both marriage and grad school at the same time. Both wanted our full attention.

On having kids, my advice is to be married for at least 2 years before you start trying. Enjoy your life as a couple so that if you find the transition to parenthood very stressful, you will have a rock solid basis to fall back on. Even a full-term healthy singleton needs a lot of attention and you might get a situation (such as a high-risk pregnancy, preemie, or multiples) which requires a lot more attention.

Don't worry too much about your age - having your first baby at 34 or so is by no means unusual. MS-4 is supposed to be a good time to have a baby, schedule wise. Or maybe after your intern year, you can probably have a bit more flexibility.

Good luck - people get married and have kids throughout the process and make things work, so whatever you end up deciding will probably be fine.

 

[QofQuimica]

Hello all, this is my first post. My first question is: how do I delete a thread after I accidentally created one? I wanted to read the other posts on this topic before I reinvented the wheel with this one....

One of the mods can do it for you if you ask us to.

Unfortunately, I don't have much marriage or pregnancy timing advice for you. Basically, there will probably never be an ideal time, so probably you should set a date for your wedding and just stick to it. As for the baby, let it come when it comes. Pregnancy timing is one of those things that are pretty tough to plan anyway. Best of luck. 🙂

 

[happymariahh]

true, true. After re-reading my post, I realized how stupid "non-negotiable" sounded with regards to timing of childbirth. For accuracy, I was mostly referring to the timing of our attempts at pregnancy (esp. since I'd like more than one, I'd rather not wait till I'm 34 to start)...call me a neurotic over planner but when it comes to family, its hard for me not to give it a fair amount of thought. Especially when it seems to be just on the horizon...Thanks for all your feedback! 😀

 

[student1799]

since I'd like more than one, I'd rather not wait till I'm 34 to start

I had mine at 33 and 36, and everything was fine. But I'm taking things in a different order than you
are: first kids (and different career), then med school. (If all goes well with my apps this year, I'll be 46 when I start.)

I wouldn't go nuts trying to plan everything out, but I agree with sindadel that it's most important to give your married life a chance to build a strong foundation before you bring kids into the picture. Take at least a couple of years to get to know each other and survive the stress of med school/residency before starting a family. Don't worry--you'll have plenty of time. We married on the young side (26), but waited 7 years to have kids, and it's worked out very well.

 

[Indymom]

Everyone is different and if you get 40 responses to this thread, you will get 40 different opinions.

I married young* (22) and started having children right away (baby #1 was born <10 months after my wedding). I will start medical school at 30 with 4 children. I have been married for almost 8 years and it is very solid. I believe that common goals (such as raising children) bring a marriage closer together.

Also, I work for an infertility counseling center and feel strongly that woman should not wait too long to start a family. Hormone treatments and IVF are stressful enough for a working couple, but it can be over the top for a women in medical school. It could be you will have no issues at all, but you won't know that until you start trying.

*in my culture I was actually on the old side....

 

[DrJD]

Everyone is different and if you get 40 responses to this thread, you will get 40 different opinions.

I married young* (22) and started having children right away (baby #1 was born <10 months after my wedding). I will start medical school at 30 with 4 children. I have been married for almost 8 years and it is very solid. I believe that common goals (such as raising children) bring a marriage closer together.

Also, I work for an infertility counseling center and feel strongly that woman should not wait too long to start a family. Hormone treatments and IVF are stressful enough for a working couple, but it can be over the top for a women in medical school. It could be you will have no issues at all, but you won't know that until you start trying.

*in my culture I was actually on the old side....

Marriage is amazing and my wife and I highly recommend it as soon as you can! Once you know you want to get married don't delay it for artificial things. Don't rush figuring out if you want to marry that person, but once you know go for it!! If you know you want to marry someone but decide to wait until after your first year of medical school to "see if it works" that seems ridiculous to me. You get married and you make it work!

About kids, that is a personal preference thing. If my wife and I were looking purely at finances then we'd wait until I was done with residency, but since I'm not starting medical school until Fall of 09, that would be a LONG ways away. So we are going to have kids much sooner because we want to be done having kids by the time we are 30. It is important to us to give our kids the best genetic chance possible + we want to be young still when they are grown up. However, I know people who would rather take that time now and have kids in their mid to late thirties. I know too many people who have had trouble getting pregnant or had genetic issues with waiting for my wife and I to feel okay with it.

There is no good time to have kids in the medical career, there is always something. Just do what feels right with you and your spouse and you will be ecstatic whenever the baby comes 🙂

Good luck with everything!

 

[CultureDoc]

I'm leaning towards getting married next summer so that we'll kind of be established in the flow of things from day one. He wants to wait until the next year possibly until he's more stable financially. One the one hand that seems safer, considering the very real possibility that i DONT get in. On the other hand, I don't want to have to deal with planning a wedding, not to mention the huge life transition in the middle of medical school. Any thoughts?

First of all, welcome! The non-trads on these boards are a great, supportive bunch and a wealth of info to boot!

I'm with DrJD on the marriage timing question - if you're sure that this person is the one for you, why wait? My hubby and I didn't move in together until we got married, so financials actually improved for us with marriage (only one rent payment, one set of utility bills; we sold some of our duplicate stuff, etc.). Not to mention, I think quality of life dramatically improved with marriage - it was so nice to have someone to come home to and to finally feel settled (even if just in that area of life!). Also, your point about not wanting to be planning the wedding while in med school is a VERY good one (IMHO!). I planned an August wedding in '06 while on a CRAZY schedule (not med school, but probably comparable to M1, schedule-wise). I was pulled in so many directions at that time that I didn't do anything very well (definitely got some bad grades) AND I really didn't get to enjoy the wedding planning process. By the time I could devote some time to it (May, when my classes were over - which might be your experience if you try to plan while in med school), it was almost too late. It was a whirlwind summer, and the wedding happened and it was GREAT, but then I was pretty bummed when it was over because it had all happened so fast. So, I highly recommend NOT planning the wedding while in med school. Planning while applying will probably be stressful enough! AND if you don't get in, all the more reason to want some stability and support in your personal life (although you might want to do a May or early June wedding so if you have to reapply, you aren't holding up your application or secondaries due to your wedding and honeymoon . . . an icky thing to take into consideration, but probably a smart move - just in case!)

I can't really speak to the kid issue, but you and I are pretty close in age (in fact, if all goes well for me this cycle and you next cycle, we'll be the same age when we enter med school!). My husband and I definitely want to have kids, but our approach is that we both need to feel stable in our lives/career paths before we can do that. (Oh, and not being dirt poor would help too! 🙄) We've both taken circuitous career paths, so, we're not sure when we'll feel ready . . . it could be 4th year; or it could be during residency . . . or later. I probably should be concerned about fertility/genetic issues/etc., but I'm just not ready yet, so I'm not gonna worry about it! I think it would be a mistake (in my case, at least) to have a child sooner rather than later for the sole purpose of bettering our fertility/genetic odds. Of course, the other side of the coin is, if you ARE ready (I think my sister-in-law was born ready!), it's statistically safer to have kids before 35, and you CAN make it work with plenty of support and, as others have mentioned, a strong foundation to your marriage.

Oh, and a random, humorous bit of take-it-or-leave-it advice: when you're thinking about kids, get a puppy first! When we first got engaged, my husband very much wanted to plan on having kids w/in a year or two of marriage . . . and then he got a puppy. After about a week of being woken up 3x a night to take her out and running around after her during the day making sure she didn't chew up all the furniture, he decided we should wait on kids.

Whatever you decide, GOOD LUCK and CONGRATS! These are big life steps and it must be exciting to be thinking about all of this right now! 😀

 

[happymariahh]

First of all, welcome! The non-trads on these boards are a great, supportive bunch and a wealth of info to boot!

Awww, I love you guys already!! I've been reading some of your posts on related threads, and I have to say how glad I am that i came, lol! Really, a much different feel than on the regular pre-med forums (I can't stand that hyper-competitive, s-talking/condescending mentality). Your shared ideas and experiences are so inspiring and ENCOURAGING (which I'll need a lot of over the next few months/years?)

Thanks so much for your feedback on this topic. Its really cool to hear all of the different perspectives from people WHO REALLY KNOW IT CUZ THEY'VE LIVED IT. CultureDoc, I totally feel ya on the planning aspect of it: I want to enjoy doing it, not have it be a burden or have someone else do it for me (BF says "my mom and sister will help plan it", uh NO).

 

[Olddodger]

Hi All,

I hate to be a grinch, but avoid if possible.

The living-together-but-not-married stigma is all but gone in society, and two unmarried folks with kids doesn't even raise an eyebrow these days.

Unless you have some overriding religious issues, save your money and pay off your college loans instead. Take a long weekened, go for a nice dinner and have a toast, and bingo, you're "married".

If the relatives want something more formal (and lets face it, weddings are usually more for the relatives than for the bride/groom), have them pay for a nice "celebration of bonding" at someone's house (not yours, so you're not stuck with the mess).

Now you kids, get off my lawn!

Best,
Oldie

 

[Lacheln]

I'm with DrJD on the marriage timing question - if you're sure that this person is the one for you, why wait?

I have to pipe up here because from my own experience I think it does make sense to see how the first year of med school goes before going through with the wedding. When you're under a lot of pressure the dynamic of a relationship can really change, and you can see aspects of a person you wouldn't have otherwise.

I was engaged when I started doing my pre-reqs. My first year of pre-reqs was awful because I was working 50+ hours/wk, taking two classes a semester, including the summer, and volunteering. I was utterly exhausted. And unfortunately I found out during this year that my fiance wasn't as supportive as I thought he was - he made me feel worse throughout the year, rather than better. He didn't pitch in to help with chores, he didn't put in effort to make time for us in ways that worked for me, and essentially was unable/unwilling to support me as I went through this. He expected our life and my level of energy for him to stay the same. Every relationship is give and take, and has times of imbalance in terms of support. I had supported him when he needed it, he didn't do the same for me. It took me a long time to accept that he wasn't the partner I thought he was, but I am so glad I did, because med school would have been the same situation, except that we would have been married. BTW, I was 26-27 when this was all going on, as was he.

Obviously plenty of relationships make it through the fire, I'm just saying that I had what I thought was an ideal guy and relationship, but found out differently when it was really tested.

 

[Carlsbad1919]

As the child of two physicians I thought I would attempt to give a child's perspective. My parents are in their 60s so the majority of my mother's colleagues her own age are men married to housewives (very frequently wife number 2,3, etc.). Generally the husband physicians (of that generation) work insane hours and the wives raise the children essentially by themselves. My mother on other hand wanted to actually raise her own children (and my father has always been very involved in my life as well). As a result she waited until her mid-thirties to have children and luckily had no difficulty getting pregnant with my sister and then me (I am hoping these genetics have filtered to me). Because my father and mother were done with residency I always had two full-time parents with stable practices (and income as a result). I know current medical students and residents who have children but when it is the wife who is the physician, or both parents, a large amount of outside assistance is needed. I have even heard of a M3 at UCSF who's nine month old lives with her parents in LA and receives overnight fedex shipments of breastmilk. Basically you are taking a gamble no matter what you choose. If you have children early you might lose precious time with them while if you wait too long you might have a great deal of difficulty having children at all. Just something to think about. In my own case, my fiance's professional goals require far less of a time commitment than mine so hopefully we will be able to strike a balance. Best of Luck 🙂

 

[Scottish Chap]

Hello all, this is my first post. My first question is: how do I delete a thread after I accidentally created one? I wanted to read the other posts on this topic before I reinvented the wheel with this one...

Anyway...I'm in a great relationship of 2 years, and we're beginning to discuss marriage. I'm turning 27, he's 29. I'm applying to med school this year and feel like I have a decent shot at getting in after having done some post-bac/grad work, and finally having received a 30 on the MCAT. I'm leaning towards getting married next summer so that we'll kind of be established in the flow of things from day one. He wants to wait until the next year possibly until he's more stable financially. One the one hand that seems safer, considering the very real possibility that i DONT get in. On the other hand, I don't want to have to deal with planning a wedding, not to mention the huge life transition in the middle of medical school. Any thoughts?

EDIT: Now that I've read the other threads, I'd like to address the timing of childbirth. We've both discussed having a baby after MSIII and perhaps taking a year off. I'll be 31 by then, and its kind of non-negotiable. So the marriage must either be next year (in the summer before MS) or the following (in the summer between MSI and MSII).

There is never a *best* time to get married. My advice would be that you should just do it if you have found the right person. Some people obsess over the perfect time, perfect wedding, perfect weather etc. but those are all trivial things compared to the big picture.

I married two years before medical school (when I wasn't even thinking about medical school), and my first child was born in between MS1 and MS2. There are several other new parents in my class, including a girl who gave birth right before Step 1 in MSII and another girl who is about to give birth soon in MSIV before residency. Both will be graduating at the same time as me. Just like marriage, I will tell you that there is no *best* time for kids though, as a medical student, giving birth during MSI would be hard based on the adjustment period, and giving birth during MSIII would be hard based on the physical stress involved in carrying and sustaining a pregnancy. That said, I know women who have done both.

The best advice I can give you is to attend a medical school that you perceived supports families, and try to attend a school (if you can) where you and your spouse will have a strong support network. Not everyone gets pregnant when they would prefer and, if there is ever any sickness, it's great to have that support. Bottom line: it's possible. Medical school is hard. I think medical school was a little easier for me as a married person because I come home to such a nurturing environment and a nice home, and it was even easier after my daughter came along because it forced me to see what's important, not to sweat the small stuff, and it kept me balanced. I wish you the best.

 

[theraball]

As Indy and others have suggested, it's better not to tempt the gods of fertility. As you approach 36 and above your eggs are less fertile and the likelihood of a successful fertilization goes down. Your children will be more likely to have problems like trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome) and autism. It also simply becomes harder to have a baby as you begin to lose the vigor and flexibility of your youth. That's not to say these problems are insurmountable; just keep them in mind as part of your decisionmaking.

Marriage is just the beginning of a long and sometimes trying relationship. It's great that people are in love prior to marriage, but love is a kind of transient thing. As we continue to grow and mature and change throughout our lives, our relationship with our loved ones must change and adapt. That's the great challenge of life, to marry someone who can grow and change with us.

Sure, med school is a tough environment for marriage, but if you go in with very clear understanding of what lies ahead, and with some good techniques for communicating and setting boundaries, you can make it work. The key is good communication. Best of luck!

 

[DrJD]

Hi All,

I hate to be a grinch, but avoid if possible.

The living-together-but-not-married stigma is all but gone in society, and two unmarried folks with kids doesn't even raise an eyebrow these days.

Unless you have some overriding religious issues, save your money and pay off your college loans instead. Take a long weekened, go for a nice dinner and have a toast, and bingo, you're "married".

If the relatives want something more formal (and lets face it, weddings are usually more for the relatives than for the bride/groom), have them pay for a nice "celebration of bonding" at someone's house (not yours, so you're not stuck with the mess).

Now you kids, get off my lawn!

Best,
Oldie

I'm sorry but I couldn't disagree more, in fact reading this really made me lose heart. I am really surprised that someone would give advice like this. Now oldie, I respect your right to believe what you want so this isn't an attack, but it is disheartening.

Obviously plenty of relationships make it through the fire, I'm just saying that I had what I thought was an ideal guy and relationship, but found out differently when it was really tested.

Yes, this does happen but on the other hand there is a difference between thinking you've found the right person and knowing it... We've all made mistakes, thought we found the right person and then it goes south, etc. etc. I guess I'm saying that purposely waiting to see if your relationship makes it through the first year of medical school to me is setting yourself up for failure. It has the same feeling as a Prenup to me... I want to be married to you forever, but just in case...

Just my thoughts!

PS.
Marriage is awesome and is what has allowed me to succeed in my SMP this year. It is amazing what a supportive spouse at home can do to your motivation and ability to excel academically. My two cents 🙂

 

[Lacheln]

Yes, this does happen but on the other hand there is a difference between thinking you've found the right person and knowing it... We've all made mistakes, thought we found the right person and then it goes south, etc. etc. I guess I'm saying that purposely waiting to see if your relationship makes it through the first year of medical school to me is setting yourself up for failure. It has the same feeling as a Prenup to me... I want to be married to you forever, but just in case...

Just my thoughts!

PS.
Marriage is awesome and is what has allowed me to succeed in my SMP this year. It is amazing what a supportive spouse at home can do to your motivation and ability to excel academically. My two cents 🙂

I understand what you're saying to a certain extent - obviously our opinions are heavily influenced by our own experiences.

a) That is my point exactly - there's a difference between thinking and knowing, and based on my own experience and those of my friends (I have several who got married 25-28 who are now getting divorced a few years later), I don't believe you can KNOW until the relationship has been tested.

b) Couples test their relationship in many ways before marriage - as well they should. The difference between waiting to get through the first year of med school and a prenup is that the former is an "out" prior to marriage, the latter is to make divorce less financially painful. It seems like you really support marriage, so why would you want to encourage people to rush into it?

c) It is amazing what a supportive spouse can do....and unfortunately it's equally amazing what an unsupportive one can do.

I'm not at all against marriage/committed relationships. At all. I'm just saying that caution and going through a few major life changes together will increase the odds of a match being successful. There is no harm in waiting through the first year, with the exception of logistics. And I think it's a bad idea to let logistics rush a decision on marriage.

Hell, I almost got married at 20 because my college bf of 4 years went active duty navy after we graduated, and getting married was the only way I could get all the benefits available to naval families. And then I realized how insane that was, on so many levels. As it turned out, though he had despised ROTC and the navy in general prior to starting on his ship, he then discovered he really loved the work he was doing as an active officer, and decided he was going to stay in the navy for much longer. After being a navy "wife" for a year, I knew that it wasn't the life I wanted long-term. We were very in love, and it was very sad, but we found ourselves heading in different directions. Had I gotten married it would have been a much sadder situation for both of us.

Anyway, for those who know, especially those who have been through a couple of major life transitions together, and know they can support each other and are not being pulled in different directions, by all means, get married!

 

[DrJD]

It seems like you really support marriage, so why would you want to encourage people to rush into it?

I agree with a lot of what you've said, but I'll just add a comment about this. I like to think that I don't encourage people to rush into it so much as I encourage people to not shy away from it. Once you know you are going to get married, do it... Thats my thought process...

I think another big place that effects ones thoughts on this topic is their religious beliefs. For many people the relationship pre-marriage is the same in all respects as post marriage. It seems today that many people are even living together premarriage, which changes things I guess.

(I almost got married when I was in my early twenties as well and am SO glad that I didn't because it would have been a huge mistake.) So I truly do agree with everything you said, I think its just a few small things in the whole, "how do you know its the right person." thing where we are disagreeing. Good post though! 👍

 

[JuliaGulia2789]

How come nobody has mentioned the implications of being married on eligibility for institutional loans or scholarships? My SO and I have wondered if we should hold off getting married until we see the financial aid packages from the schools... Doesn't marital status make a big difference in eligibility?

 

[DrJD]

How come nobody has mentioned the implications of being married on eligibility for institutional loans or scholarships? My SO and I have wondered if we should hold off getting married until we see the financial aid packages from the schools... Doesn't marital status make a big difference in eligibility?

Nope in fact its the opposite... You would think that you'd be eligible for more since there are more of you but they treat you like a single student NO MATTER what. The only exception is for childcare.

Otherwise, being married with have no effect on financial aid. Unless you are talking about need based stuff that some schools do in which case marriage would only matter if your spouse made a ton of money.

 

[EkramVahsedi86]

When I was 17, a college professor gave us a multiple choice exam and one of the questions was something like:

37. Marriage is a societal institution something something...
a) bargaining and exchange
b) courtship and romance
c) lifelong monogamous partnership
d) love and/or deep friendship

And well, I can't help but feel friendships are no more honorable. I felt so cheapened and sickened for a youth who has never had love, to be told this before I got swept into its fine delusion. I wanted to live the fantasy even just for a few years. I compare this life experience to the showing of a 10 year old obsessed baseball card collector a crystal ball, showing him that all his baseball cards will one day be worth about a dime each, and that they'll be packed away in a shoebox and never opened again or seen after he turns 20, that he'll die and the thing he cared about so much at age 10, and would have got to enjoy at least until he knew the truth of the valuelessness of his venture at some higher age, maybe 18; that his enjoyment was robbed from him because enlightenment trumps happiness.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eccentricity_(behaviour)

That 17 year old, did end up getting married. That crystal-ball wielding fortune teller didn't get the best of this little boy. If anything, the fortune teller taught me to be a bit rebellious and skeptical, maybe made me more eccentrical. I am 24, and am further away in age now from my self at the age I got married, than that 17 year old self. (married at age 20 for simplicity of math) Now, the philosophical question I feel proudest to answer is would I have told the 17 year old anything different? Would I have let everything happen this same way?

From this person, I think you should get married asap. Marriage is usually the plateau of a relationship. Get married sooner, then try to "lock in" the early love phase and try and make it last until you're both 90. If you treat a marriage "normally" you will suffer the same fate as all rational people who get married and then expect the marriage to lead the relationship. Marry early and after like 5 years, then have kids. Never bring kids into this world if you haven't fully vetted your spouse, which takes about 5 years AFTER getting married. I have two daughters, but after having fully vetted my wife and her commitment to "family love" I call it.

But I'm a artsy fartsy right-brain guy who studied music and literature, even though I'm a natural at math/physics. You should also not just try and learn about your partner, but also to try and help them grow into what you idealize them to be.

Hope this helps, I wanted to write 50 pages, because love is a beautiful thing; and a perfect relationship brings more happiness and motivation into your career and you will be successful in the outside world.

 

[pianola]

Yeah, as a cynic and as an "oh whoops, I might be married to my ex if reality hadn't come in the way of our plans" I'm going to agree with breeak. Wholeheartedly.

I'm actually kind of hoping medical school will test me (and my s.o). in some pretty important ways, because if we survive, I think we will be stronger and hopefully more able to weather other struggles we might face.

For me planning a wedding isn't going to be a huge deal, though. So long as I have some immediate friends and family around, I'll be happy (and I'll try not to look like a total mess). Yes, I'm the woman in the relationship .