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endersgame3 said:
brings me comfort but now i'm scared and don't know how this will work with how bad the hours are going to be.
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Best thing I was ever told in my break up, "Work is there when love is gone." Frankly beginning of med school is a great time for a break up if it doesn't affect your grades. You'll be busy and lots of people end up meeting the right person in med school or residency. People who don't manage to, attendinghood is a good time. Like everything in med school work/life balance is can be hard to achieve but if you make a point of it you can find time to date and find someone suited to your career.
 
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Crayola227 said:
Best thing I was ever told in my break up, "Work is there when love is gone." Frankly beginning of med school is a great time for a break up if it doesn't affect your grades. You'll be busy and lots of people end up meeting the right person in med school or residency. People who don't manage to, attendinghood is a good time. Like everything in med school work/life balance is can be hard to achieve but if you make a point of it you can find time to date and find someone suited to your career.
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Oh no this is my residency. I graduated medical school!
 
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endersgame3 said:
Oh no this is my residency. I graduated medical school!
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Eh, same difference, advice still applies. That was when my break up was. Still turned out to be one of the best things to happen to me. It took a few years for things to work out that way, but yeah.
 
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I haven't been in this same exact situation, but once the dust clears..... you may find yourself in a new city, with an attractive degree and single. :)
 
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1) Crazy in-laws that don’t like you is a red flag. I know everyone thinks that it’ll be some sort of Romeo and Juliet love story...while forgetting how that story ended.

2) You’re an Enders game fan...so you’re cool and will have no problem getting another person.

3) You are more attractive now than you were 6 years ago now that you’re a doctor. Guaranteed.

Sorry about the situation...but try to think of the positives. You didn’t get married and have children...only to get divorced, sending your hard worked money her way.
 
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j4pac said:
1) Crazy in-laws that don’t like you is a red flag. I know everyone thinks that it’ll be some sort of Romeo and Juliet love story...while forgetting how that story ended.

2) You’re an Enders game fan...so you’re cool and will have no problem getting another person.

3) You are more attractive now than you were 6 years ago now that you’re a doctor. Guaranteed.

Sorry about the situation...but try to think of the positives. You didn’t get married and have children...only to get divorced, sending your hard worked money her way.
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Yepppp OP be happy this isn’t a divorce and you’re now giving up 50% of your income forever. Better now than later.
 
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Sorry this happened to you. I went through something similar at the beginning of med school and it turned out great. If you fat hit the gym and eat less and you’ll be golden as long as when you say “city” you don’t actually mean “rural South Dakota”.

I like my in-laws and I think my wife likes hers. I have friends who have bats**t in-laws (or their parents are the bats**t in-laws) and I really feel for people that have to deal with that. Bullet dodged.
 
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endersgame3 said:
His way! He's also in medicine so I don't know how much it would've affected me financially. I'm a girl hahaha. (refuse to be called woman cause I am in denial of my age lol)
Yeah I agree. I lost 5 pounds in the first week of being there because I wasn't able to eat due to how stressful the atmosphere was.
Thank you. Just alternate between anger and devastation. If Meghan Markle's PRINCE can leave the royal kingdom for her health and well-being, I deserved someone standing up for me... but man what pain it is.
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Lol. Sorry. Saw MIL and for some reason didn’t consider that girls also have mothers in laws. Being a girl that likes Enders Game makes you even cooler
 
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Levels of misery for breakups on a Richter scale

Breakup before engagement - 0.5
Breakup during engagement - 2
Breakup after marriage - 5
Breakup after marriage with older kids - 7
Breakup after marriage with young kids - 8.5
Breakup after marriage with younger kids, shared custody, with unreasonable/crazy ex spouse - 9.5
Breakup as above with violent/stalker spouse - 10

Your only mistake is picking a residency site just b/c of your SO. If that site is a top 3 choice and SO is the deciding factor great b/c you can lie with the residency. If it is at your bottom and you picked it for your SO, then that is your fault and need to deal with it as an adult.

I would tell you to call your Ex-SO MIL tomorrow and genuinely thank her for making you go through a 0.5 on the Richter scale. You guys had issues and it wasn't just your Ex MIL's fault, and truthfully had nothing to do with your Breakup. Regardless she saved you from breaking up with a Richter of 7-10 and wasted a whole lot of $$$ and time.

I broke up with someone I dated for 1 yr in college, and didn't even phase me. Broke up with someone after 6 yr relationship being in the same City during intern year (this was my #1 choice) even though we had a really good relationship. I didn't even remember what the big issue was and truthfully I didn't care b/c if a relationship can't handle small issues, they are doomed to fail with kids. Never had an explanation for closure, didn't need closure, it hurt but its life.

20 yrs later, very thankful for the breakup. A relationship failing before kids will fail after kids. Married someone who would stand in front of a bullet for me, wipe my A$$ when I can't.

You will be thankful in 20 yrs.
 
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endersgame3 said:
It was actually during engagement - so 2 lol. We were planning to get married December of next year. It was among my top 5 (not top 3). I originally ranked it 15 but I changed it because it was also close to my parents and college friends, so I knew I'd have other things to do/people to see. And 100% I agree it wasn't just MIL - it was his doing. He's known me long enough (YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS) to NOT fall into MIL's talking and he couldn't do the bare minimum of even helping me go to places and move. He made those decisions and made the decisions to say mean things to me and end it within 10 days of me moving there.
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Sounds like you dodged a bullet on both of them then. :) Enjoy your freedom. There are so many great, not mean and not manipulative, people out there, and they are waiting!
 
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I have no doubt that what you're feeling right now must suck, but I would bet my last dollar that you are going to look at this situation in less than 6 months as the best thing that could have ever happened. I don't know the dude, but it sounds like you have dodged a bullet and while it may be a little too hazy at the moment to see it as clearly as you will in the future, you will bounce back like a baller and be a kick*ss doctor. Best of luck to you!
 
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endersgame3 said:
Thank you! He didn't even come to furniture stores with me... or the DMV to register... and when I was stuck in walmart for 4 hours trying to pick everything on my own he kept calling asking me to hurry up to help him with his application. If he was busy, I wouldn't have minded but this was his vacation week - 0 commitment anywhere except to relax and couldn't even help me with that!
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Wait, you were going to MARRY this guy?!?
 
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endersgame3 said:
brings me comfort but now i'm scared and don't know how this will work with how bad the hours are going to be.
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If your SO broke up with you within a week at the behest of the MIL, he/she did you a favor. An enormous favor. They declared how lame they were upfront rather than dragging you through residency and breaking up with you at the end.

Marrying this person was never in the plans for you. Going to this residency was. That person was just the universe's twisted way of getting you there.

Focus on your work and yourself, for the love of god stay off the apps, and when the time is right someone better will come along when you least expect it. Then at graduation if you see that person again, you can smile and say "thank you."

Edit: Read the rest of the replies above. This lame mamma's boy manchild will be back when whatever else he is chasing right now falls through or he needs your help again. Don't fall for the trap. Block him and never talk to him again.
 
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endersgame3 said:
lol yessss i was
i got mad and told him wtf??? this is your city??? but he said i should've "formally invited him" if I wanted to come to all these places and that "he's not the smartest guy so how would he have known?" lol ok... crazy MIL and other crazy things happened and now we're done lol.
brings me comfort that i'm not a hopelessly lost cause for any future love endeavor ;_; and that at least i'll be too busy during intern year to think about it.
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Yeah it sounds like he was checked out long ago.
 
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endersgame3 said:
lol my co-intern made me download the app and i deleted it within an hour because i was so depressed and comparing them to my ex-fiance. I really hope I can meet someone in real life cause these apps are so superficial and just not it for me. I'm happy for people who do find success on these but if I spent another 10 minutes on there, I'd start begging for him to take me back which I do not want to do.

I will say, I don't think there's someone else. We shared locations just cause we did it for a trip years ago and never stopped... and really whenever I facetimed him, he was honestly... at his mom's house. But the controlling MIL is not the reason he was so needy/dependent, so he's at fault too. He chose not to be helpful in adjusting/moving in this new city!!! not to mention, she didn't tell him to say all those mean things to me when he broke up with me. And he's selfish. This is the first time in the relationship it was about ME not about him.

I think I need some serious self-reflection about my self-worth (seems non-existent) and about establishing boundaries and saying no. I don't think I can jump into a relationship at this time or even have the will power to date. My life plans went down the drain in a week and my vision of the future I thought was so obvious is now gone. It's going to take me some time to mull over that. At least I can be happy that I'm closer to family and college friends as well (not the same city/state but close enough for comfort). I was close enough to fly back home and get comfort.

hopefully someone comes around when i least expect it, but don't know how i can trust again. self-esteem is def at an all time low rn and still feel waves of devastation and a heavy sinking heart. praying (and i'm not religious so this shows you how truly in pain i am) that time really heals all wounds. :(

thank you for all your support
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Take your time. I had a rebound after and while it only lasted 6 weeks it was worse than the guy I had broke up with.... which is saying something given that one put hands on me and cheated for 2 years straight behind my back. Other dating was disastrous and gross and compounded the trauma because I wasn't ready and wouldn't be for a while.

I focused on residency, my coworkers, friends. I had to rebuild myself as a person from the ground up. I did therapy, and got involved with 12 Steps Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families (only requirement is a desire to recover from the effects of family dysfunction, doesn't matter if substances were involved or not) and also online 12 Step Self Esteem Anonymous.

I got lots of value analyzing my past relationships and learning valuable relationship skills from Al Turtle's relationship advice website (seriously google it). It might make you sad because a lot of it focuses on relationship repair which obviously isn't where you are. But I found it essential in my journey to discover what went wrong and more importantly how to avoid it in the future. He has a lot of elements of how to relate and have boundaries that I think is important from day 1 of any relationship. If someone can't hang with Al Turtle's way of doing things they can't hang imo.

I don't think I was seriously ready to date for a few years, (there's a saying that if the relationship was as serious as marriage, then it will take that many years or that many years divided by two to recover), which when you've just hit 30 and were planning kids feels pretty scary. I won't lie that not meeting the right person until mid 30s and not having my first pregnancy until then has been pretty scary, and I don't generally recommend people plan to put it off that long if they can help it, but the point is that what is way scarier is having a child with the wrong person.

Take your time. The best advice I can give anyone is to use this pain to make you become far more comfortable being alone than being in a relationship and suffering. Work on yourself. Develop exacting standards for anyone who gets any of your personal time. What came with my break up was also a personal growth development that sadly also led to a loss of a lot of long-time so-called friends. I made new ones. It was for the best.

Then develop your hobbies and interests. For me, it was BDSM (which if you have any kinks is a great self-aware community built on communication), but also could be hiking, stargazing, birdwatching, whatever. And get involved with those things and people and community.

My current partner I met through the community and common friends and interests, and had nothing to do with trying to find a partner. He was actually married at the time! The good ones ready for a relationship won't stay in the dating pool long, which is why long term relationships with lots of people is key to coming across the right person in the right time of life. His prior relationship led him to a similar path of self discovery, relationship counseling, books on marriage and such. It didn't save his marriage but despite the fact he never read Al Turtle's website, he has recommended relationship reading of his own.

I bring this up, because there's a lot of things we get taught in school by society, but how to have relationships beyond "don't hit people and be pathologically jealous 101" we don't cover.

From what I can tell reading about the problems in your last relationship, you could use some time and some work to make sure you don't end up there again, and after you do that, you will likely find that you need a partner who has similarly developed more mature relationship skills. It will be better if both of you have.

It sounds overwhelming maybe, but keep in mind when you're not putting the energy into a sucky relationship or hopping from wrong person to wrong person and focus on yourself for a year or more, you will have tons of time to totally rebuild yourself and be ready for the right person, and have some idea what the right person even looks like.

The key to meeting the right person has less to do with apps or dating, and more to do with developing yourself and being very comfortable with yourself and what community you bring into your life.

I know the nights alone hurt. I recommend being single and looking elsewhere for your emotional needs (friends, community, hobbies) until that pain fades. Because it's only when you're free of fear of being alone and have embraced it that you can really trust yourself to bring the right someone into your life.

For some that will be 3 months and others 3 years. I'm not saying you have to take years to do this. I'm saying to take as long as you need, no matter how long that is. And whatever that is, won't be too long. It will be what it needs to be and it will be worth it.

The 5 years alone was better than the 14 years I spent in 2 **** relationships before that, it just didn't feel that way at first. Then it did feel better to be alone than in a ****ty relationship. That's where I recommend people try to get to.

And that time finally led me to a relationship - that even if it ended tomorrow or 10 years from now for reasons I can't even fathom - that I can tell you from the start was night and day different, and right, and exactly what I've always wanted, and well, let's just say now I realize any amount of time on my own to wait to have this would have been preferable to suffering in any **** relationship. I didn't think it while in the **** relationship, that's how a lot of people get stuck in them (think it's better than being alone). The big issue for a lot of people is how ****ty the relationship and break up needs to be to drive home that particular message.

When I was single I despaired a lot though, and people gave me this exact advice, I thought it was bogus trite crap and there was no one out there for me that was right. But things worked out exactly as people told me it would. This is really how things work.

Lastly I'm not totally against apps but that's a whole nother long post rant how-to. As long as you're still comparing anyone to your ex and your ex manages to look favorable by comparison, you're not ready. It was really hard for me not to compare to my ex who had a lot of superficial stuff going for him, so that was a big part of me giving up on formal dating for so long, which was a blessing in hindsight. Again, a lot of time was needed and not focusing on the romance part of my life, for me to overcome that and meet someone loads better.

Anyway, you're not necessarily ready when you feel like you want another relationship. You're ready when you learn to mostly comfortably live without one.

So tldr, take the common advice to stay single, learn to love it, yourself, work on yourself, and focus on community and the best people and friends and hobbies. It will bring the right person and then you will be ready for them. The real challenge is yourself and what you do. But if you do these smart things it will work out. And don't stress how long that takes. In some ways the longer the better as you have more time to establish right conditions within and without.
 
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endersgame3 said:
I think for me, I'm against apps ;_; just my personal preference.

I do hear what you're saying in this though. I think I need some serious self work so I don't get into this situation again. I was in a physically abusive relationship prior to this one and as a serial monogamist, I've spent 10 years of my life in 2 relationships. i think that therapy is a good starting point for me. i lost a lot of my hobbies since catering to him took so much of my time. probably good to establish who i am outside of monogamous relationships like you did.
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You should take this time to learn about you and who you are...and learn to be a happy person without anyone to make you happy or feel “complete”... you are not going to find someone who will be happy with you if you are not happy with yourself...it’s trite and cheesy, but nonetheless true.
 
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endersgame3 said:
I think for me, I'm against apps ;_; just my personal preference.

I do hear what you're saying in this though. I think I need some serious self work so I don't get into this situation again. I was in a physically abusive relationship prior to this one and as a serial monogamist, I've spent 10 years of my life in 2 relationships. i think that therapy is a good starting point for me. i lost a lot of my hobbies since catering to him took so much of my time. probably good to establish who i am outside of monogamous relationships like you did.
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I think your idea of seeking therapy is a very good one. You’ve stated here that before this relationship, you were in a physically abusive relationship. The person you just broke up with seemed at the very least selfish, if not bordering on some level of abuse as well.

2 relationships like this in a row signals the start of a pattern, so some deep work into why you’re choosing these types of men and how to recognize red flags and set up boundaries will do you a world of good.
 
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Sounds like a loser. Always two sides to a story but if he is this big of a loser then you have to take fault for this. Took you 6 yrs and the MIL for him to break up with you. Think about it. Took you 6 yrs, moved to live close, and still you didn't break up but was due to the MIL?

Seems like you like to date guys who treat you poorly and make excuses for his poor behavior. Doing work for a grown man? Not only is this dumb but also academic dishonesty which would be frown upon by ADCOM/residency programs.
 
keeping things vague on purpose but those aren't parts of the graded curriculum or directly for school things (more like ECs) so that isn't academic dishonesty. I am the biggest rule follower you'll meet so that's not something I partake in.
 
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I didn't get that there was academic dishonesty. To my knowledge you're allowed to have help with one's residency application as long as you are the one writing it. It's starting to feel like the OP is being attacked when they're in a really tough spot right now and came for help.

While I went on a long rant about the OP doing work on herself, it was from the POV of someone who went through similar stuff, and the fact that ANYONE who has been in a long term relationship that falls apart over BS (the other party cheating, or abuse, or neglect, or an awful MIL, whatever) likely needs to work on themselves to avoid more of the same. That's just a truism and should be said with some compassion.

These threads lose value when people get attacked and feel the need to delete the original posts.
 
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