Things I Learn From My Patients

f1055man said:

Nothing personal, but I hate doctors.

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Actually, and I don't want to speak out of turn, but from your note, I'd say what you hate is stupidity. Especially stupidity in a medical setting.

Which means 1) I totally agree with you, and 2) you're in the right place. I'm sorry you saw providers who made dumb-ass decisions -- unfortunately, both the patient and the provider are human, and a certain proportion of human behavior will be dumb-assery. So far there's no known reliable treatment.

good one

I had a 35 year old guy....real jerk to everyone....who came in for rectal bleeding. Apparently he was constipated and shoved a spoon up his ass to try and clean it out and ended up with a perf! Real bright guy.







Tracy DeGreen
Lancaster Cancer Center
717-291-1313

good one

I had a 35 year old guy....real jerk to everyone....who came in for rectal bleeding. Apparently he was constipated and shoved a spoon up his ass to try and clean it out and ended up with a perf! Real bright guy.







Tracy DeGreen
Lancaster Cancer Center

I don't work in the medical field, but was reffered here from a tractor related forum, and I just spent the last 2 hours reading ALL 37 pages of this thread. All I can say is that I was thoroughly entertained. I actually work in engineering large industrial machines, and as an engineer, can relate to the prob;lem solving methods you guys go through when not given all the info needed. Happily, my mistakes are not life threatening, but we have our own "gallows" humor about it as well. Just wanted to say thanks, and be careful out there!

f1055man said:

Nothing personal, but I hate doctors.

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Its cool most of us hate some of our patients.. BTW I hate dcotros too I avoid seeing them as much as possible.

Although no longer a housestaff, I learned and still learn many things from my patients each day.

As an intern, I learned that is never a good idea for an old man on home 02 for COPD sitting on the can to try to extinguish his cigarette by tossing it between his legs into the john. Never, never, never.

Sessamoid said:

More proof that the world is circular. Will I forever be haunted by UTMB?

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As someone who served 9 years there training and a few more facultizing over 10 years ago, my sad conclusion is "yes."

OK, here are a couple of mine. I'll take the opportunity to turn the tables a bit.

1) An unshaven guy in ratty clothing came in with a deep circular saw cut on his finger, sustained while roofing. The surgery resident asks me in front of roofer guy if I've ever done an interdigital block before. Nope. So he tells (not shows) me how to do one and leaves. I ask the patient what he wants me to do. He asks if I think I can do it. "Yes - I've done lots of other local blocks." He says to go for it. Surgery resident comes back, asks if I've done finger repairs before (isn't that what the ortho hand service does, or plastics?!). Nope. So, again, he talks me through it and leaves. I point out to the patient that if it were me, I'd insist on someone who knew what they were doing. "Go for it," he says: he wants to get back to the roof before it rains. While starting to suture and making small talk, I ask about his roofing business. "No," he says, "that's more of a hobby." He's a Houston attorney who's fixing up a vacation house here on the island. (At this point we hear lots of rustling from the other side of the curtian). "Oh?" I say. "My dad's a lawyer, what kind of law do you do?" Our patient is a managing partner of a large medical malpractice firm, it transpires. The rustling from outside the curtain turns into a surgery resident, who badly needs to inspect the first suture I've just thrown. It turns out I'm a hopeless ***** whose work cannot be relied upon, and the ortho hand service must be consulted after all on account of my incompetence.

2) My hand surgery skills mysteriously improve without further practice later that day. A really cute girl walks up (without even registering! The nerve!) wearing a lab coat stained red at the cuff. A researcher in the micro department, she'd cut the base of her dominant thumb to the bone on a microtome blade. After chewing me out for having her sit down in our charting area because she'd gone sort of pale and unfocused, he says this is the hand for me to practice upon. He seems to have decided that the lab coat, ID badge, etc. suggest that she is both too dim to notice an MSIII is sewing up her hand and someone who won't miss it anyway if anything goes wrong. I demur, since the cutie is my wife. All the better, he points out, since she won't sue me like the last one. My new friend the hobbyist roofer is checking out just about then. He comes up to thank me and pointedly hands me his card with his home phone number added, since it's clear to him my wife and I are going to need it. The poor ortho hand guy hand to come back, and all due to my incompetence in digit repair.

So, what did I learn from my patients that day? Don't become one, if at all possible.

If a patient has his hand under the sheets, looks guilty when you walk in, and was moaning a bit as you entered, it is probably a very good idea to remember the hospital policy to wear gloves whenever you touch a patient!

Last Sunday I was out doing dumb stuff and lacerated my middle finger on my dominant hand. Cut an artery. Decided to wrap it up in my shirt so I could get in my vehicle and drive the hour into civilization to get to ER. Shirt was covered in blood (hard to drive and keep pressure on the wound).

Admitting nurse: "Tell me that's paint!"

After 90 minutes of waiting, I realized the bleeding had finally stopped (only reason I went to ER was I couldn't get the bleeding to stop with pressure).

In this 90 minutes, I met all of your patients. I ended up leaving - some people with much worse problems had been there hours longer. No need to take up the slot.

Plus, they wigged me out. Since they have my insurance info, I hope they bill for the triage and the bandage I got. Wouldn't give me a band-aid or tape to hold the gauze in place without being seen; call me conservative, I didn't think visiting Rite-Aid while soaked in blood would be a wise move.

What I have learned is that being polite and jovial will get you ahead in line. It seems that the triage nurse was tired of being yelled at and wanted a break.

Something you should learn, though (witnessed this on a construction site) is a laceration on your arm from wrist to elbow can be held shut with fiberglass tape while you're being delivered to ER. The guy was cutting open the plastic bags foam comes in for DrivIt by holding them up on end and swatting the upper edge with his razor knife. The curtain of blood was impressive - one of the other guys grabbed a roll of fiberglass tape and wrapped his arm in it.

I don't know if he picked up any secondary infection from the fiberglass embedded in his arm.

mstevens said:

...He seems to have decided that the lab coat, ID badge, etc. suggest that she is both too dim to notice an MSIII is sewing up her hand and someone who won't miss it anyway if anything goes wrong. I demur, since the cutie is my wife. All the better, he points out, since she won't sue me like the last one...

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My wife put her arm through a window while she was knocking on it to get the dogs to shut up. She gashed her wrist and called me (at the VA hospital) to tell me she couldn't get the bleeding to stop. I told her to call 911 (NOT ME!) and unlock the front door (in case she passed out so the EMS could get in). The paramedics got the bleeding stopped and dropped her off at the county hospital where I rotate also. I met her there....it was Friday night and busy as hell. The lac wasn't that deep so I just swiped some bacitracin, suture kit, lidocaine, etc from the ER and took her home to sew it up on the coffee table. I got pictures also.

Oetzi1286 said:

Real men don't play around with razor blades or guns during suicide. They head straight for the power saw....neck first.

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One of my patients did just that. He was on the roof with his circular saw and ran it through his neck. His body rolled onto the hood of the ambulance at the stoplight below, a block from the ED. A couple of years later, he held a mop handle against sternum and ran full-tilt into a wall. The handle came out his back.

I think I was eventually able to convince him that the voices were NOT his friends and that he shouldn't do what they said.

Cordelia98112 said:

Try working in a jail where healthcare includes digging from the flesh of the homeless the jail socks they were given when released 4 months ago, which have since rotted literally in to their feet.

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But surely this just a simple case of Toxic Sock Syndrome?

Oetzi1286 said:

Real men don't play around with razor blades or guns during suicide. They head straight for the power saw....neck first.

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Actually, that happened in Phoenix probably over 20 years ago. Guy walked in to a pawnshop in Sunnyslope, asked to see a circular saw that had a blade in it, plugged it in to test it, and applied it to his neck.

He did not need the services of the ED that was about a block away.

I saw a link to this topic on boingboing.net and have been enjoying reading it for the last two nights - nice to get a glimpse into the twisted world you medics inhabit. Thought I'd reply to thank you all and to share a couple of stories.

The first two are from my mother, a nurse, therefore very likely true.

1) If you are a lady with flaccid, drooping breasts try wearing a bra before you iron a blouse for work. Not only is ironing your nipple painful, but 30 years down the line your story will live on in internet message boards.

2)If you have no feeling in your lower legs, don't fall asleep with your legs up in front of the fire. OK, you don't feel any pain, but the smell when you wake up will put you off barbecue for life.

The last is from a book, maybe true and maybe not, but it certainly SHOULD be true!

Guy decides to commit suicide.

*He stands on a cliff high above the sea and attaches a noose to a tree growing near the edge. He puts the noose round his neck.

*He takes an overdose of pills

*He jumps off the cliff

*As he jumps, he fires a bullet at his head.

Wellllll.....

The bullet misses his head and passes through the rope, cutting it. The tide has come in so he lands in deepish water rather than onto jagged rocks. He swallows some salt water which makes him vomit up the pills.

The kicker? He was seen by a passerby on a clifftop walk who phoned the coastguard. The coastguard picked him up after he'd been in the water for a while, but shortly afterwards he died of exposure.

Anyway, thanks again for the laughs and try not to accidently kill anyone today, my medical amigos.

PS - IMHO the "Colostomy bag entrance as erogenous zone" story is grosser than the "Suck tampons and daipers for sexual satisfaction" story.

PPS - Was God high when he invented human sexuality?

bontai said:

I don't work in the medical field, but was reffered here from a tractor related forum, and I just spent the last 2 hours reading ALL 37 pages of this thread. All I can say is that I was thoroughly entertained. I actually work in engineering large industrial machines, and as an engineer, can relate to the prob;lem solving methods you guys go through when not given all the info needed. Happily, my mistakes are not life threatening, but we have our own "gallows" humor about it as well. Just wanted to say thanks, and be careful out there!

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Cool.. I like tractors too

My lesson from A&E, when someone comes in from an RTA with fractured ribs, haemothorax, and bleeding everywhere imaginable, don't call the dentist first thing to fix their broken teeth.. even though it would be nicer if they would die with a smile.

Quick lesson from a patient's point of view I mighta shoulda pointed out in my earlier post.

Regardless of the fact that you know you're in shock from the serious injury you've obtained, and you work in the field, so you KNOW you instructed bystanders to do what you couldn't do for yourself in the way of proper immediate care, and did what you could do for yourself properly, do NOT, upon arrival of the legit EMS team, start trying to instruct THEM on how to do their job properly (especially if the injury includes intrusive fx and a trhough and through wound), because EMS CAN AND WILL make primary packing of the wound and administration of the IV line more painful than absolutely necessary.


Upon arriving at a crowded trauma center late on a friday night delivered by these unexplicably sadistic and rude EMS persons, do NOT then think it's quite amusing to shout things like "can someone give me a hand here" followed by just enough pause to get several people headed towards you, then continue "preferably a left one, uninjured?". Repeatedly (what can I say? between shock and the early administration of morphine by the EMS guys, who were really quite professional and did their jobs EXTREMELY well, despite what a total PITA I was being, I had an impaired sense of humor.).

If you have failed to absorb any lessons after having behaved thusly, due to shock and pain meds, do NOT have the gall to be either suprised or indignant when the staff is slow to respond when you REALLY need to use "the duck", due to overabundance of fluids resulting from having had 2 litres pumped into you IV in an hour, and are trying to POLITELY get someone's attention for a change, and try to curb the embarrasment when the nurse who eventually responds insists on staying right by your side with a firm hand on your upper arm when YOU insist on standing alongside the bed to use it.

Also, do NOT expect any leering comments you make in your altered state to be recieved appreciatively when you notice the view down said (fairly attractive) nurse's top during this situation, when you're trying to draw your attention off the embarrassment involved in having to be helped to pee in public by a strange woman.



edited to replace "masochistic" with "sadistic"...how the hell did I reverse those in my mind?

The bullet misses his head and passes through the rope, cutting it.

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It's highly unlikely because bullets generally don't cut rope unless you get VERY lucky. Good story though....

If you are a 17 year old male and have a 16 year old friend and decide that the quickest and most profitable way to make some extra cash is to steal wheels off of vehicles make sure you steal them from one side of a truck so when it become unbalenced and topple upon you it can cause you and your mates livers to lacerate and will cause the surgeon to remove a handful of liver in a vain attempt to stop the bleeding while the blood bank will love the fact you are going through blood like it was cordial... All because you wanted some cash.

Even New Zealand isn't except from extreme idiots.

The 17 year old went through over 40 units of packed red cells during surgery before being air lifted to a larger hospital and subsequently using about 200 or so.
The 16 year old was lucky and only had a minor liver lac and didn't need to be transfered.



Working in the lab I get to see some of the dumb things doctors do aswell as patients

1. Being an excellent wrestler in high school and having a hefty supply of 'street smarts' does not make you an instant crossover boxing sensation.

2. When your buddy’s severely dehydrated and passes out in a parking lot, and his sister yells at you to go into the Burger King to bring him some water, don’t think it’s a good idea to first buy yourself a shake and sip it in the cool comfort of the restaurant before returning to the prone body outside.

3. When a three year old girl audibly growls at you as you’re examining her broken nose, she doesn’t actually think she’s a dog but she’s learned from hers that it makes strangers back off a bit. Most of the time.

4. There is only one possible victor when a motorcycle and a semi meet in battle. But (taken fom my dad’s experience), twenty years later you can still wear shorts in sketchy areas and that badass scar chewing up the topography of your leg will make multiple, multiple ‘some dude’s think twice.

My aunt was a trauma nurse at Carraway hospital in Birmingham AL for 20 yrs emailed me this thread. Funniest 4 hours I have ever spent in my life. Even though I am not a medical type anything person and didn't have a clue what was being talked about some of the time, took nothing away from it at all.

My hats off to each of you.

What a great forum, wish this existed back in my day (early 1980's). Four of my war stories:

1. If you are trying to lose weight by eating dried apples instead of Doritos, and you watch a late-night horror movie, and are so enthralled and distracted that you consume an entire bag of dried apples, when your gut starts to hurt, do drink 32 oz of water to "wash them down". Then, since you live on an island, wait until 2:00 AM, after the last ferry has gone, to present to the local clinic and wake up the moonlighting PGY3. Thank god for Bentyl and mineral oil. Didn't have to call the medevac chopper for ruptured bowel.

2. MS-3 at CWRU, ER rotation at hospital in the ghetto. Dude comes in with blood all down the front of his pimp suit, shot while SOCMOB. Little hole in his right cheek. Lump in his left cheek. Water's view shows blood opacifying maxillary sinuses, .22 slug in subcu on left side of face. Multiple consults (surg, ENT, maxillo-facial) take much of the night. Beds all full upstairs. Sent out at 5:30 AM with 4 oxycodone and an appointment in surgery clinic later that morning.

Yup, shot through the head and turfed to the street. Like the T-shirt used to say: "Cleveland: You've got to be tough!"

3. Homeless wino spent months in SICU on a vent, unable to wean due to tracheomalacia (years before length-of-stay concerns). Finally gets a Kistner button, allows breathing in through permanent trache and out through vocal cords. Big crowd of MS, residents, fellows, all have taken care of this guy. All have suffered condescending treatment from insufferable male SICU nurse, ex-corpsman, wore a home-made vest with slots for different forceps etc. He was a real prize jerk, unlike all the other RNs, who also hated him.

Button goes in, male nurse says "Eddy! It's me, Jerkguy RN! You can talk now! What do you want to say to me?" Eddy earns himself lifelong (6 more months) fame & a standing ovation by rasping out his reply: "Eat... s**t... and... die!"

4. Ancient, wizened, worn-out old guy s/p CABG x 5 twice, end-stage COPD, renal failure, etc etc had multiple admits to CCU, always full code, survived more codes than I can remember (at least 16). His daughter threatened to sue any resident who "let him die". He lived with her, had a railroad pension that would end when he died. She kept her word, sued the PGY1 and PGY2 who ran the last of his codes. Hospital settled out of court.

Have fun guys and gals, there is life after residency...

From my ten years as an Army medic...

1. The bladder is a good place for a 15 y/o dependent son to store that extra guitar string. It'll coil nicely, won't take the ER folks long to remove, and will make for some memorable X-ray records.

2. If you store your quarter-key of coke in the supply Conex, make sure none of your buddies have swapped it with a package of CS (tear gas) powder before you snort it.

3. If you steal your drug paraphernalia from the medical supply Conex, a large-bore thoracic aspiration needle and a trochar are not your best choices for mainlining drugs. (If you haven't guessed, we had some serious drug problems in 'Nam during the late 60's and early 70's...)

4. If you're a radiologist and a low-ranking field medic points out a pneumothorax that you've missed on a wet reading, the proper response is "Thank you," not "So who made you a doctor?" He may have just saved you from having to explain your mistake to the Chief of Surgery.

5. As I discovered while teaching at Ft. Sam Houston, it's possible for someone with an 8th Grade education to learn to perform excellent emergency field medicine. It's also possible for an inept student to connect the IV on a training dummy to a Gomco pump...

Two lessons learned in my first month on the burn ICU:

1. The best way to celebrate your new found retirement at age 73, in anticipation for your cross-country RV trip, is NOT to weld on the undercarriage right next to the full propane and gas tank.

2. When your wife leaves you and files for divorce, the proper response is NOT to douse yourself with 5 gallons of gasoline and set yourself on fire in your Honda Civic.

Earlier in this thread, there was mention of a vibrator that someone could stick up their urethra. Following that, people expressed doubt in it's possibility. I bring you proof of concept.

Warning: The following link is pornography.

http://enhasa.org/sandbox/


Not for the squeamish.

klosterdev said:

Earlier in this thread, there was mention of a vibrator that someone could stick up their urethra. Following that, people expressed doubt in it's possibility. I bring you proof of concept.

Warning: The following link is pornography.

http://enhasa.org/sandbox/


Not for the squeamish.

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I think I could have lived my whole life without seeing that.

P.S I think a uretheral vibrator is one that doesn't need to be forced into a grossly stretched urethra, but one thats thin like a pencil... from my online research anyway.

This will very likely be my only post here, as I am not in the medical field, but after spending two days reading these stories, I just wanted to extend my thanks to all of you. I knew that ER work was stressful, thankless and messy, but.... Wow, I had no idea. As soon as I can figure out how to write a message in Japanese (I live in Kyoto), I'm sending an anonymous bouquet to my local ER. Damn.

My own stupid ER story, the only one of my adult life (thankfully): In my senior year of college, I punched a closet door. Of course, I prepared beforehand, draping towels over the top for padding and even wearing a heavy winter glove. Needless to say, ten minutes later my hand was swelling and not feeling so limber, so my roommate drove me to the local ER. When the attending person (I have no idea what her title was) asked me what happened, I at least had the decency to look ashamed when I told her what I'd done, and I'm pretty sure she muttered something about "Men!" under her breath. Can't say I blame her.

She then brought in a few students to look at me, described my symptoms and asked for a diagnosis. The common name is "Boxer's fracture" on the right hand, for which there is a much longer med-school name that I can't remember.

Since it my dumb idea that got me there ("It seemed like a good idea at the time"), I have no complaints, although she did step on the punchline when I asked her if I'd ever be able to play the violin. ("I don't know, could you play it before?") I'm still a little bitter about that.

Golf balls weren't meant to be anal sex toys.

klosterdev said:

Earlier in this thread, there was mention of a vibrator that someone could stick up their urethra. Following that, people expressed doubt in it's possibility. I bring you proof of concept.

Warning: The following link is pornography.

http://enhasa.org/sandbox/


Not for the squeamish.

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OK, that's some sick ****. You just sort of stumbled upon that ....right? right?

That was ridiculous! I guess people will do anything for some $$$.

brooklyneric said:

Rule #1 is that you can spend as much time as you want asking questions but the attending will always get the true story in about 30 seconds. It never ceases to amaze me and I hope I can pull that off some day.

BE

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oh so true! i always had that problem as a student and resident. it was so embarrassing after my 45 minute history missed the crucial things my attending could get out of the patient in 1 minute. now as an attending i will walk in with the students/residents and for some reason the patients story always changes- i can see the mortification on their faces.

why do patients do that!? its like during the time it takes for the resident to present the case the patient decides, "well, i better come clean for the next person who comes by to ask me questions."

my favorite is when patients forget to mention their end stage AIDS as a medical problem.

steatopygia said:

oh so true! i always had that problem as a student and resident. it was so embarrassing after my 45 minute history missed the crucial things my attending could get out of the patient in 1 minute. now as an attending i will walk in with the students/residents and for some reason the patients story always changes- i can see the mortification on their faces.

why do patients do that!? its like during the time it takes for the resident to present the case the patient decides, "well, i better come clean for the next person who comes by to ask me questions."

my favorite is when patients forget to mention their end stage AIDS as a medical problem.

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All patients lie. Done.

PS - "steatopygia" - hahahaha! Right on! Someone described Dee Dee Myers as "callipygian" (in writing, in a newspaper) back in the 90's - funny stuff!

(For those of you not up on your Greek, click here.)

I'm not in EM, but I had one this week: (I'm an OD)

If you're going to come clean and tell me you got your corneal abrasion from a dollar bill you were putting in a strippers G-string while at your bachelor party... make sure your fiance isn't in the room !!

Thanks to all who have gone before me. I stand on the shoulders of....well....ya'll.

A few lessons learned in the prehospital and ED setting...


1) If you are a very drunk college freshman (male, probably redundant) who fell down but is still mobile, do not spit at the tall, lanky female EMT who also happens to have a black belt, for you will find yourself boarded, collared, and driven to the hospital over the bumpiest roads available by her fiance driver/partner. You will then be left by the ED staff to sober up sans bananna bag, leaving you with a near terminal hangover.

2) If you are going to chuck up a 13cm long, 4mm dia drill bit in a concrete nail gun (the kind that uses a .22cal shell to power it) do try to hit something important in your suicide attempt. Though your suicide attempt probably would have been more effective to threaten the cop who arrived with 9mm glock drawn with it. When said drill bit ends up in your head, hitting nothing really vital, don't bitch at the EMS crew.

3) if you are a 78yo male inmate and you want a few days out of the pen, do try to eat things that are more radiopaque than a plastic fork. It's hard to find *all* the pieces.

4) if you are a 28yo female in labor, do not grab the 18yo EMT by the shirt and scream in his face "Men! Why do you do this to us!?!?" You will scar (scare?) him for life.

5) if you are going to jump off a 100ft cliff to attempt to kill yourself, do not do so in the only place on the cliff where there is a 75' tall tree, for you will only manage a tib/fib fracture and a long stay in the Pleasant Place(tm) across the street from the hospital.

6) Drunks can sustain an incredible amount of ankle damage from chainsaws and still walk into the ED.

7) When walking through the ED and seeing a paramedic you normally work shifts with, do not make fun of him for being careless with the table saw, for someday the roles may be reversed.

8) 17yo kids are not immortal, no matter how cool their car is. This will be useful should I ever be 17 again.


And it matters not if it is the attending going in after you get a hx or the medic asking after the EMT gets the hx. The story always has the needed details when they ask. Unless you are not there.

(Not a medical professional but my mom was an RN [with an OB GYN specialty] and worked in the ER. She talked shop at home. These are my three faves.)

If you are SOCMOB and Some Dude starts chasing after you and you jump over a 4 foot wall to escape him, you might want to check first that the ground is the same level on the other side, and not, say, a 20 foot drop into a cement lined culvert.

Never, ever, under any circumstances iron while less than fully clothed. And for godsake, don't use a rather rikety card table with a layer of folded towels on it instead of a proper ironing board if you tend to be, um, vigiourous in your ironing whilst you have body parts swinging in the breeze. Because it might necessitate hobbling into the ER with a 2nd degree burn and putting down on the paperwork that you are here because "I ironed my man part."

If you live in a rural area and you've been told that this pregnancy is risky and your water breaks, don't wait for the contractions to start before calling your husband to come home from work to take you to the hospital, unless, of course you want your child to be delivered, premature, breech, on friday the 13th, by a CHP officer, at a gas station.

A new acronym - "SOCMOB" - "Standing on (the) corner, minding (my) own business".

Excellent!

And the new blood is great stuff - keep the stories coming!

(And, to toot my own horn, I was the original writer of the Law of Inverse Value on this thread - although everyone in EM knows the law, my credit must go to Sean P. Hulsman, EMT-P. The law, reiterated: The Law of Inverse Value - The less you do for society, the greater the trauma you can tolerate with little or no sequel or consequence. Likewise, if you are a teacher, professor, doctor, lawyer, plumber, carpenter, whatever - gainfully employed, parent, wears a seatbelt - the more you do for society, the less or more minor the trauma that will incapacitate or kill you.)

Apollyon said:

All patients lie. Done.

PS - "steatopygia" - hahahaha! Right on! Someone described Dee Dee Myers as "callipygian" (in writing, in a newspaper) back in the 90's - funny stuff!

(For those of you not up on your Greek, click here.)

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i tried to use 'steatopygia' as my e-bay user name but it was already taken, i would love to meet that person...

Apollyon said:

All patients lie. Done.

PS - "steatopygia" - hahahaha! Right on! Someone described Dee Dee Myers as "callipygian" (in writing, in a newspaper) back in the 90's - funny stuff!

(For those of you not up on your Greek, click here.)

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i am touched that you noticed.

i actually tried to have 'steatopygia' as my e-bay user name but it was already taken. i would like to meet that person someday...

steatopygia said:

i am touched that you noticed.

i actually tried to have 'steatopygia' as my e-bay user name but it was already taken. i would like to meet that person someday...

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Personally, I'd rather meet callipygia

- H

FoughtFyr said:

Personally, I'd rather meet callipygia

- H

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cant say that i blame you!

not a doctor, I work on an ambulance, looking at maybe going to med school once I get my bachelor's.


If you happen to cut yourself, don't use an air compressor to clean the wound. If you think that you gave yourself an air embolysm, don't give yourself a tourniqiet with string. You'll cause much more damage than the original injury.

If you have gotten in a fight, and we are called to scrap you off the pavement(or bring em into you guys after said scrapping), we really don't care how badly you kicked their asses, and how lucky they are you didn't beat 'em harder.

This is something for you doctors/nurses. If you're kid gets hurt, and you call the ambulance. Then let us do our job, don't tell us that your a nurse or whatever and try to treat him yourself, especialy if your a maternity nurse and your kid broke an arm. You do your thing, and well do ours. I've had this happen a few times, oddly enough its always the non-ED people that do it. They must wish they could have been ED.

mikecwru said:

I recently had a guy drink draino and slice his throat with a knife, with a carotid injury. Unresponsive, ph of 6.8 on arrival. Walked out of the hospital alive.

mike

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As opposed to him walking out dead?



Sorry, couldn't resist.

Thanks for the stories guys!

Apollyon said:

A new acronym - "SOCMOB" - "Standing on (the) corner, minding (my) own business".

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I was wondering what that meant!

Apollyon said:

A new acronym - "SOCMOB" - "Standing on (the) corner, minding (my) own business".

Click to expand...

I was wondering what that meant!

Been reading this thread for hours and only managed to piss myself twice. Just a little about my background: Started as a scrub tech, got my undergrad in the lab and worked as a bloodbanker for a few years. Then I entered PA school and I've got about six months left. Somewhere along the way I became an EMT.

As my screen name indicates I'll be heading back to school soon. I also am forever scarred by my experiences at UTMB.

Here are some of the humerous/intresting/frustrating stories that I've been involved with over the years (in no particular order).


1. Sent a patient to the optometrist for a yearly check-up and got a call from him saying, and I quote:

Opt: "...that patient you sent me had some serious papilledema and some people consider that an emergency, so I thought I'd let you know."
Me (WTF? That's nothing to joke about and I joke about everything): "Which ER did you send him to?"
Opt: "ER? I sent him home!"
Me (jaw dropping, smoke coming out of ears): "Your kidding. Right?"
Opt: "No"

I hang up and call the highway patrol. Pt. is found and sent to the ER. MRI shows pituitary adenoma (golfball size) pt. was w/o galactorrhea, incr. prolactin and/or visual Sx.

Go figure!

Just remember: "Papilledema, some people consider that an emergency"

2. Used to drive by the VA in San Antonio on my way to work and would frequently see two or three old buzzards out front, sans mandible, smoking through their trachs w/the O2 hooked up. Those are real men!

3. Anyone who says that gangrene is the worst smell in the world should get a whiff of dead bowel and reconsider!

4. If you are dumb enough to get drunk and accept a challenge from your friends to try "firewalking" and are suprised when ED people smile, shake their heads and snicker when leaving your room. Then you can look forward to a long life and many more incidents, just about like this one (He was only 17).

5. If you decide to rape your best friends girlfriend while he is away and do not kill her, then you should really not be suprised when said friend drives a butcher knife into your kidney.

6. It is conceivable, that driving your motorcycle at 140 MPH, while drunk, and crashing into a parked car might have had something to do w/the traumatic amputation of your left arm and leg! Oh, did I mention the numerous brain contusions and chest tubes.

7. If you are a surgical resident and have a patient that went straight from the helipad to the OR and you need blood for them in a bad way, don't do this.

Repeatedly call the one tech who is in the blood bank, who is juggling the crashing ECMO kid, the exsanguination in L & D and your patient, every five minutes screaming for blood. It's really hard for them to continuously answer the phone, thaw plasma twenty feet away, dispense product 10 feet away, crossmatch blood in front of them and pool platelets 15 feet away from samesaid phone. It's a physics thing! Also, they are pretty aware of the seriousness of the situation, since most folks who need blood in a hurry are about to give up the ghost.

8. If it's your first day on the job, at a new hospital as a scrub tech. Don't be offended when the crochety old female surgeon, whose shoulder you're leaning over, as she removes an unwound roll of cloth tape from the prisioner's rosebud. Looks back at you and asks: "What are you gonna do next, F*** me in the A**". It's just her way of saying welcome aboard and we're glad to have you. In her defense, you have to be pretty tough to be one of the first female surgeons in the country.

9. Let's just say that you got stabbed in the neck (yes, there is a possibility that EtOH was involved) and they get you all the way into the operating room. They get your Foley in and are about to give you your nighty-night medicine and you decide that everyone in the room is a racist, pull out your Foley and decide that you want to leave.

There is almost a 100% chance that you will be back when you sober up, that you will have missed every vital structure, in that incredibly densly packed area and that you will suffer absolutely no sequelae at all from your injury.

10. Whenever a prisoner in the local county jail manages to fall from his bottom bunk onto the floor, 12 inches below, and absolutely shatters his elbow and hip. Several things are likely. First, there might be a PR bond involved. Two, this person may have had the very same injury several times in the past and third, since they are so gravely injured, it is likely that you will get the c-collar, bb and several square meters of 3" cloth tape on your hairy legs to secure you to that bb. Did I mention the bil 14 gauge IV's?!

11. My first trauma call as a brand new EMT-B and we get a hanging. My first time driving emergency traffic and contra-flow at that. AOS to find teen in the garage. Agonal respirations and cyanotic, so we're gonna tube him. Two differnet para's tried and we finally ended up with a fairly bloody nasal intubation. We life-flight the guy and then we go back to the scene to get some equipment which I left (because I'm a ******* and there was a lot of excitement). I head back into the garage to get our stuff, only to be strong-armed by a cop who had 8 inches and 50+ pounds on me. Yes folks, this is how I learned that it was now a crime scene. It seems the kid wanted to go out and play paintball (schoolnight) and his parents said no. He said he was gonna go hang himself and his parents blew him off. Heard from a colleague who works at a local psych hospital that the kid is doing fine now.

12. My first rotation was the ER and on my first day there I see a young girl (22 or so) who has left-sided facial droop and some other Sx that I think might suggest a stroke. I present to the ER doc, explain my findings and tell him that I'm worried, b/c the patient is young to have a stroke.

He gets a little smirk and says, "Let's go see her" and after a brief neuro exam, we come out of the room. He pats my shoulder and says, "Mike, that is the most classic case of Bell's palsy that I've seen in my 40+ years as a doctor. I mean it was absolutely textbook. You really should know that and you might wanna study up on it." (yes, I am a total ******* at times). Luckily the ER doc was a real gem of a human being and didn't tease me too much about it. In fact, he told we that everyone does it and that I'll never forget that pt's name or miss that Dx, ever again. We all do that right? Right?

13. 1st day in an inpatient prison healthcare facility. I go to do an intake H & P on a prisioner who is a FF. I should have known something was up when everyone was being nice. Anyway, you always have to do a genital exam, tatoo inventory, etc, etc. So the guy drops his drawers, and I S*** you not, he has "TNT" tatooed on his penis. I managed not to lose it. When I was done and went back to the nurses stations, no one said a word. I hand the chart to the nurse, she asked if I had any problems. I was'nt gonna give her the satisfaction and turned around to walk away and she said, "I don't know personally, I was asking because, I've been told me that he can get very volatile when aroused!"

I just lost it and soon we were all crying, from laughing so hard.

14. I need an opinion on this one.

New pt. His BP of 210/100, sans htn medicines for the last month and a half. However, he manages to take his 325 of ASA and his plavix, religiously. PMH significant for cerebral aneurysm w/ craniotomy/clipping 10 yrs ago , ROS is positive for unilateral temporal HA of sudden onset, described as "just like the one I had with my last aneurysm".

Should I be concerned?

It's OK to send him home with a scrip? Right?!

Does he really need to go to the hospital, this very minute?

It's really not important for me to stress the importance of taking his meds, being aware of his BP or dropping a 150 lbs? Correct?

Gee, what do I know?

15. (Saved my fav for last)

It's New Year's Eve and I just left a party, fairly early in the morning. I come upon a 280Z wrapped around a telephone pole. I stop and check out the scene then I walk up to the car and the driver's seat is empty. However, there is a young lady who is in a fairly akward position in the hatchback. I called it in and in the meantime, I'm trying to get a read on the patient, but the door is jammed, as is the hatchback. I finally manage to determine that she was breathing, was unconscious and was really stacked (sorry, I am male). So the FD shows up and breaks out the jaws and in about ten minutes, everyone in the world is there. Four fire trucks, 7 cruisers and 2 ambulances. There are way to many people and a lot of them ended up hanging around and bullsh**ing. One burly firefighter was heard to say, "Why was she driving, I'd have given her a ride home " and on this point there was general agreement. They finally got her out and packed her into the ambulance that had a buddy of mine on the box.

I take off and about 45 minutes later my buddy calls me.
Buddy: "Do you remember what J**** was saying about takin' her home".
Me: "Yeah"
Buddy: "Do ya think we should let him know that she had some extra equipment under the hood".
Me: "Huh?"
Buddy: "Ya know, she had a stickshift down there".
Me: "Oh, that's too good. I feel obligated to let all his buddies know"
Buddy: "Yeah, me too!"

Needless to say he became "TrannyMan".

I feel bad for him to this very day. No, I don't. I'm lying!


That's enough for now. Sorry, I got happy w/the bolding.

-Mike

Some years ago, I was a restaurant cook. All cooks get cut and burnt regularly--occupational hazard--but one day, towards the end of my shift, I really nailed myself and my finger was spurting messily.

I walk to the hospital, a couple blocks away, and am triaged to the not-all-THAT-injured room. Which would be okay (even I could see it wasn't that terrible, as emergencies go) except that I'm there for hours. No reading matter (which I would have bled on, anyway), no TV, no company but sullen other patients contemplating their own injuries (and who might have been grossed out by all my bleeding; it's very hard to look cool when bodily effluviants are dribbling out of you).

After about three hours of this frivolity, I remembered that a friend who was then residenting (what is the verb form for this?) at another hospital told me that he never got a chance to eat when he was at work.

I slipped out of the hospital and brought back a large pepperoni from the pizzeria around the corner. Offered it to the docs. They accepted, ate a few slices, looked at my finger, gave me a tetanus shot and I finally went home.

Anyway, that's what I learned about emergency rooms: If possible, bring pizza.

Incidently--The advice about never ironing in the nude? Applies to cooking. Don't ask me how I know this.