Balancing Academics and Relationships

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rEliseMe

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I know this isn't directly related to audiology, but I don't want to ask pre-med students when I can ask my buddies here in the AuD forum. :) I know at least a few of you are in long-term relationships and still manage to pull off top-notch work. How do you do it? I blame it on my INTJ (probably primarily my I), but I've never been able to handle both at the same time... when I'm focusing on my academics, my love life suffers. When I've got a boyfriend, my academics take the hit.

The reason I'm just bringing it up now (I got dumped a month ago and am just starting to get back into my academic groove) is that I realized if I wait until after I'm finished with grad school, I will be almost 29 before I can seriously date without that baggage. I know it's not out of the question, but that doesn't leave me with much time to find my soulmate if I ever want to have children (which is still negotiable).

Anyone else feel the same way? Or for those of you who are doing well, how do you find that equilibrium?
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I don't think you should blame it on your INTJ, nor do I think you should give up dating while you're in grad school. The truth is that you have to find someone who truly understands how important school is to you. Also, I think it would be a plus if you find someone who is like you, goal driven and focused.

When I met my boyfriend during my senior year of high school, I was attracted to his personality; he was goal orientated, patient, and understanding (and still is). When we first started college, the strength of relationship started off weak. We didn't realize how difficult school and work would be and how it would affect our relationship. We were on edge of breaking up until I landed in the hospital during first semester of sophomore year. I was diagnosed with MS. Those months were difficult for us. I dropped out of school to regain my health and my boyfriend struggled with his school load, but during that time, our relationship got stronger. When I went back to school later, we figured out ways to spend time with each other around school and work. It wasn't easy and took some time to get used to. Now, 4.5 years later, we're still going strong and yes, we're both busy as heck. He's entering his senior year of mechanical engineering and I'm trying to stay healthy, focusing on getting good grades in school and getting as much real life experience in audiology. And yes, I still get those butterflies in my stomach whenever I'm around him. :)

So, I know you can do this. I think you need to find someone who is just as determined and goal oriented as you are, but also affectionate and understanding.
 
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relationships can definitely take a hit during grad school, but i wouldn't let that stop you unless you really aren't interested.

my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 4 years, and during that entire time i have been either working full time + night school or in grad school. also like SoCal i was struggling with some health issues.

the major issues are that i take out my stress on him by being a cranky b*tch, we don't have time to do normal things together that couples do - our intimate and social lives have suffered, and we bicker about housework since i expect more help from him around the house.

but throughout all of it we've made time for what's important and really been there for each other. i feel lucky to have had him by my side this whole time and he's really helped me through some tough times. honestly i don't know how i would have made it this far without him.

i think if you find the right person it won't seem so impossible to have both school and a relationship.
 
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SoCalAud said:
...
So, I know you can do this. I think you need to find someone who is just as determined and goal oriented as you are, but also affectionate and understanding.
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Holy snack-crackers, SoCal! You are Superwoman!

I hear what you both are saying. Thank you for the advice. I suppose you're right. My last boyfriend was terrible at supporting me; his idea of moral support was, "Wow, that's a lot of stuff you're complaining about... guess you'd better work harder." when all I really needed was, "Those jerks. You're better than that. I know you can do it!"

Not to mention, I ended up doing all the traveling out his way, and because I drove 40 minutes, the last thing I wanted to do was drive all the way home so I could do homework the next morning. Ugh. Now I'm getting angry again, haha. Anyway, once I get to Iowa I'll take your advice and screen my suitors a little more carefully. I think what I need (instead of an ENFP) is a weak INTJ who is a more mellow version of me. Let's face it, with a T preference of 98, any less T is an F to me!
 
rEliseMe said:
His idea of moral support was, "Wow, that's a lot of stuff you're complaining about... guess you'd better work harder." when all I really needed was, "Those jerks. You're better than that. I know you can do it!"
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You should have been the one to dump him! Eh, someone is waiting for you in Iowa anyways. I complain about school stuff, too and my boyfriend just listens (sometimes pretends), but that's all I need! And a tight hug, of course!

Spring88, guys who didn't accept your hearing loss were worthless anyways! I know what it feels like to date guys like that, but confidence and a sweet personality will help you find the right person. Good thing you moved on and found a guy who is understanding and who is willing to find more ways to support you. He sounds like a great guy and I'm sure you both will figure out ways to make this relationship work.
 
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My trouble is in deciding where to go next year. I live with my boyfriend of 3 years, and he has an awesome job which he would be stupid to quit right now. So he's kind of stuck in CT for now, and I will probably end up in either Boston or Chicago. I also got into 2 programs within an hour of where we live, and part of me just wants to stay here to be with him. However, neither of those schools are that great, and I think I would be selling myself short going to either of them. He's really supportive of my educational and career goals, so he understands why I will need to move.

We're most likely going to have to do long distance for a couple of years, which I'm not looking forward to. I guess both of us will be really busy during that time, so it will be tough but will work out whichever choice I make!
 
SoCalAud said:
You should have been the one to dump him! Eh, someone is waiting for you in Iowa anyways. I complain about school stuff, too and my boyfriend just listens (sometimes pretends), but that's all I need! And a tight hug, of course!

Spring88, guys who didn't accept your hearing loss were worthless anyways! I know what it feels like to date guys like that, but confidence and a sweet personality will help you find the right person. Good thing you moved on and found a guy who is understanding and who is willing to find more ways to support you. He sounds like a great guy and I'm sure you both will figure out ways to make this relationship work.
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I second that, Spring88. You should never have to feel less-than because of your hearing loss. You should feel greater-than because you have an insider's perspective! I'm glad you found someone who can understand, and I wish you the best in pursuing your long-distance relationship. Those have never worked for me, which is why I'm not dating 'til I get to Iowa and maybe not even then. :p

I totally agree, SoCal. All I wanted was for him to nod and smile so I could get it out (and I told him this directly in that many words, but he maintained that he couldn't respond like that because it was against logic... ha, get that... an ENFP telling me what's logical?), but his reaction made me feel like the problem was still unresolved and I kept mentioning it and couldn't get over it. I suspect that's why he dumped me, although he said it was because, "you're the best girlfriend I've ever had but I just don't think I'll ever love you." Copout.
 
rEliseMe said:
he said it was because, "you're the best girlfriend I've ever had but I just don't think I'll ever love you." Copout.
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And he said that on the phone? What a kid. You need a man!!!
 
rEliseMe said:
I second that, Spring88. You should never have to feel less-than because of your hearing loss. You should feel greater-than because you have an insider's perspective! I'm glad you found someone who can understand, and I wish you the best in pursuing your long-distance relationship. Those have never worked for me, which is why I'm not dating 'til I get to Iowa and maybe not even then. :p

I totally agree, SoCal. All I wanted was for him to nod and smile so I could get it out (and I told him this directly in that many words, but he maintained that he couldn't respond like that because it was against logic... ha, get that... an ENFP telling me what's logical?), but his reaction made me feel like the problem was still unresolved and I kept mentioning it and couldn't get over it. I suspect that's why he dumped me, although he said it was because, "you're the best girlfriend I've ever had but I just don't think I'll ever love you." Copout.
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I'm a firm believer of everything happens for a reason. A reason you got into Iowa. A reason that you weren't meant to be with this person. I think the best thing to do when you get to Iowa is just let whatever happens, happens. Don't actively seek someone or don't NOT actively seek someone...if that makes sense? I think you can find a better match that way in my opinion.
 
SoCalAud said:
And he said that on the phone? What a kid. You need a man!!!
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Oh, no, he didn't dump me over the phone. I hope I didn't misconstrue it that way. He texted me to tell me to come over so we could talk, and then he had me cuddle with him before he told me (which is why I thought his brother got arrested or his grandparents died or something). I wanted to preserve my ego, so I acted like it wasn't a big deal or anything, but in reality my aloof reaction helped him and hurt me. I was considering suggesting a break just because I was so busy, but I had no idea he was about to break up with me. And it really pissed me off that he waited to do it, because he dumped me the weekend that everything was due for applications. I was like, "You couldn't do this like a week sooner so I wouldn't have looked like an idiot?" Thank god it didn't keep me from getting into Iowa, or I would have gone all Xena Warrior Princess on him and made him pay for destroying my dream.

I agree that things happen for a reason, but I also believe in making things happen. When I go out, I'm not exactly 'approachable'. I usually take my textbooks and pore over them instead of people-watching, and I know I can come across as harsh and callous at first (my 'thinking' face looks very similar to 'livid'), so I'm not the kind of girl guys approach.
 
Hi guys. First year AuD student here, currently single but casually dating so I don't know how helpful this is, but here's my take on relationships in grad school:
Dating shouldn't necessarily be out of the question, but there's definitely less time to pursue a relationship (if you tend to look for one). I have time to go on dates (they're a nice distraction) but definitely wouldn't have the time to devote to a real relationship (although I hear it gets easier to manage your time after the first year). You definitely need someone as driven as you are, who understands that school comes first and will be there to support you. In my grad class we joke that audiology is everyone's boyfriend, and honestly, I'd rather be single than be with someone who doesn't understand the major time commitment involved in grad school.

I was in a serious long-term relationship right before starting the program; we broke up when he went elsewhere for law school and we didn't want a long-distance relationship. I'm glad I'm single now because I can focus more on what it takes to keep myself happy during my first year of grad school, which is a year of enormous adjustment. I know that if he didn't move, our relationship would've suffered due to the stress on both our parts.
That being said, a few people in the program are in relationships, even long-distance ones, that seem to be functioning quite well. There are even one or two people in the 2nd/3rd year cohorts that are engaged or married. So some people are able to make it work; I think it just depends on finding the right person worth making time for, and them understanding your priorities.
 
BikeInABox said:
Hi guys. First year AuD student here, currently single but casually dating so I don't know how helpful this is, but here's my take on relationships in grad school:
Dating shouldn't necessarily be out of the question, but there's definitely less time to pursue a relationship (if you tend to look for one). I have time to go on dates (they're a nice distraction) but definitely wouldn't have the time to devote to a real relationship (although I hear it gets easier to manage your time after the first year). You definitely need someone as driven as you are, who understands that school comes first and will be there to support you. In my grad class we joke that audiology is everyone's boyfriend, and honestly, I'd rather be single than be with someone who doesn't understand the major time commitment involved in grad school.
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I think that's the common thread here; an understanding or similarly-driven person is important to find. Wholehearted agreement from me!
 
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rEliseMe said:
I know this isn't directly related to audiology, but I don't want to ask pre-med students when I can ask my buddies here in the AuD forum. :) I know at least a few of you are in long-term relationships and still manage to pull off top-notch work. How do you do it? I blame it on my INTJ (probably primarily my I), but I've never been able to handle both at the same time... when I'm focusing on my academics, my love life suffers. When I've got a boyfriend, my academics take the hit.

The reason I'm just bringing it up now (I got dumped a month ago and am just starting to get back into my academic groove) is that I realized if I wait until after I'm finished with grad school, I will be almost 29 before I can seriously date without that baggage. I know it's not out of the question, but that doesn't leave me with much time to find my soulmate if I ever want to have children (which is still negotiable).

Anyone else feel the same way? Or for those of you who are doing well, how do you find that equilibrium?
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rEliseMe, my husband is an INTJ and I know that when he gets focused on something (whether a goal, school, conquering that next level in WoW), he is REALLY focused. Sometimes I have to jump around and say, "Hey! Over here! Remember me?" At the same time, I know him truly and love and support his goals. With that being said, it's not all about "no relationships" during grad school. Whether it be a relationship with friends, family, or a "soul mate", you need those closest to you who will really support you and understand you. Part of my "growing up" process this past year has led me to realize that, unfortunately, not everyone grows in the same direction and sticking close (even if literally far apart) to those who support you are the most important relationships to maintain.

You just need one of those crazy ENFPs around! :) Yes, and ENFP and an INTJ got married and they haven't killed each other...yet. :)
 
Blue Suede Rain said:
rEliseMe, my husband is an INTJ and I know that when he gets focused on something (whether a goal, school, conquering that next level in WoW), he is REALLY focused. Sometimes I have to jump around and say, "Hey! Over here! Remember me?" At the same time, I know him truly and love and support his goals. With that being said, it's not all about "no relationships" during grad school. Whether it be a relationship with friends, family, or a "soul mate", you need those closest to you who will really support you and understand you. Part of my "growing up" process this past year has led me to realize that, unfortunately, not everyone grows in the same direction and sticking close (even if literally far apart) to those who support you are the most important relationships to maintain.

You just need one of those crazy ENFPs around! :) Yes, and ENFP and an INTJ got married and they haven't killed each other...yet. :)
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Aww, thank you for your thoughtful reply! Before I get ahead of myself, I need to mention that my ex was an ENFP and he drove me bat-guano crazy. I'm not against dating another ENFP but he's going to have to be understanding and willing to compromise on things! Congratulations on your successful INTJ-ENFP match! :)

I'm not great at relationships to begin with, let alone long-distance relationships (romantic or platonic). I think it's the 'out of sight, out of mind' phenomenon. Did you find that you lost contact with your close friends after high school/college? I've really only kept in touch with 2-3 people, and even those I don't see or talk to often. =\ Woe is me!
 
Imagine being an INTP trying to balance all of this stuff. Our biggest weakness is a lack of organization and consistency. In my case, it has helped a lot that my fiancee is in grad school as well. She is an ENFP, so the neediness for nurture and 24/7 emotions can cause a gap, but ultimately we understand each and our needs. To suggest that I have figured out how to balance everything would be a lie. To this day as a near 3rd year student, it is still a constant juggling act between school/relationships/work/clinic/spare time improving clinic skills/orgs/fitness/leisure/etc. As you said, as I focus on a few certain things, inevitably the others will take a dip. What helped for me was to approach organization as an intellectual interest rather than an obligation. I constantly tinker with new systems to see which are most effective, and also to keep from getting bored. As of now, I carry a small pocket notebook where I write down important dates or spur of the moment thoughts that I'd like to remember for later. When I get home, I transfer it to a Word document that is seperated into dates, deadlines, long term to-do, and immediate to-do. Learning to cut corners on this type of stuff has freed up a lot of time to put the necessary attention I need to in my relationships. Ultimately, find someone who is driven and understands the work that must be put in. Any sign of neediness and you should hit the road. I cannot even begin to fathom how annoying an ENFP dude must be.
 
SoCalAud said:
:laugh:

They're too much.
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Unfortunately, he worked with computers, so he was 'good' at logic and therefore tried to use it all the time to impress me or work on my level or something. So I was effectively with an ENTP.

Yeah.

That infuriating.
 
rEliseMe said:
Aww, thank you for your thoughtful reply! Before I get ahead of myself, I need to mention that my ex was an ENFP and he drove me bat-guano crazy. I'm not against dating another ENFP but he's going to have to be understanding and willing to compromise on things! Congratulations on your successful INTJ-ENFP match! :)

I'm not great at relationships to begin with, let alone long-distance relationships (romantic or platonic). I think it's the 'out of sight, out of mind' phenomenon. Did you find that you lost contact with your close friends after high school/college? I've really only kept in touch with 2-3 people, and even those I don't see or talk to often. =\ Woe is me!
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Hahaha... "bat-guano crazy". I love it! I'm terrible with the whole Meyer's Briggs stuff...sometimes I test between the ENTJ and the ENFP. aagh...oh well. However, my INTJ husband is constant.

Sometimes, despite the personality profile...it's just the person. period. My INTJ husband is VERY thoughtful (even more so than I most of the time), so he makes a conscious effort to make an effort in areas I need support in...and I like to think that I do likewise.

To answer your question, I found that I lost contact with friends in stages. I had small group of friends in high school, which expanded in college (the extrovert in me LOVED college and the widening of social territory)...however, then I got married (insert sinister "dum. dum. dum." here :D) and for a brief period of time our friend group doubled to include both his friends and mine. Then, we realized we didn't have the same need for such a wide group of acquaintances when we thoroughly enjoyed just hanging out together (not to mention...let's all admit it...when you are single there is always the hope that one of those "friends" might get an added pronoun to it such as "girl" or "boy" ;) :biglove: ). Even worse when we had a kid. Social suicide for those of us who don't enjoy talking about the Wiggles or little kiddie's last bm with other parents.

It seems the older I get...the more "specialized"/narrow my interests become, thus narrowing my circle of acquaintances.

rEliseMe, my husband is in the most socially isolated fields out there...the rare Stay-At-Home Dad. His companion for 7-8 hrs a day can't even speak English, yet. I think he'd go off the deep end (and perhaps finally be successful in his plan for world domination) if he didn't have outlets of ways to "socialize" via the internet (lastfm and fb). With that being said, you seem to be aptly finding ways to socialize via this forum. :)
 
Ahem, cough, ahem... uuuhhh. "rEliseMe" I just can not get rid of you! Anytime I look up anything related to Audiology, ENF(T)P's (which is me... yes you can laugh), or speech pathology, you are all up on every site.

Anyways, privy to all your dated posts I do feel that NOW I have to interject my comments. When I look for dark romance and a sense of witted charm, I tend to find INTJ's. The best way to handle dark overlords (INTJ's) is to give them space, and make them pretend they are in control, nevertheless knowing that I have given control, I my self found gaining control because I understand the complex and systematic system that comes innate to these creatures.

INTJ's are very strong induviduals, and make great verbal sparing partners, which for some odd reason turns me on. <---- No insinuated remarks please :D
But over all when they are serious about love, it is amazing and wonderful to have as a partner. But I have come to understand when other priorities arise it is a scenario where I have to give them space.

One thing I will agree with, I have dated other ENFP's, and yes, they are super annoying. :cool: Over all, rEliseMe, if you want an awesome relationship, find an ENF(T)P teacher, or social worker, or me, and you will have the best companion for life! ;)

-Mike
 
Mikko you just gave me a great idea, im gonna start an audiologist dating site :biglove::banana::biglove:
 
Mikko said:
Ahem, cough, ahem... uuuhhh. "rEliseMe" I just can not get rid of you! Anytime I look up anything related to Audiology, ENF(T)P's (which is me... yes you can laugh), or speech pathology, you are all up on every site.
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Haha! Sorry! I didn't know... maybe I should vary my usernames for that very reason. ;) I agree with BigAl, there should be an audiology dating site! I did sign up for the MBTI site but saw no one in my area. I agree, though, ENFPs are good matches for INTJs, but considering the strength of my preferences, I don't think that a strong ENFP and I would make beautiful music, so to speak. ;) I think (it's been a while since I posted on this thread) that I mentioned before, that relativity of types is very important. A mild INTJ would be fine with a polarized ENFP but the same person to me would probably be infuriating! :p Thanks for your post, Mikko!
 
Hey, anytime... ;) Thats what I am here for. Well, actually, I still do not know why I am here. I guess that is a question for the cosmos. Anyways, I actually had a question for some of you "ear specialist" that might be irrelevant to the topic of this discussion. Think I can PM any of you to ask a few questions, or interact on the phone. I am trying to narrow on a decision with grad school before I make ANOTHER failed attempt to going into the wrong field AGAIN! +pissed+
 
shoot me a pm, or anyone thats active here and in school now would be able to help.
 
Mikko said:
Hey, anytime... ;) Thats what I am here for. Well, actually, I still do not know why I am here. I guess that is a question for the cosmos. Anyways, I actually had a question for some of you "ear specialist" that might be irrelevant to the topic of this discussion. Think I can PM any of you to ask a few questions, or interact on the phone. I am trying to narrow on a decision with grad school before I make ANOTHER failed attempt to going into the wrong field AGAIN! +pissed+
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I'm also willing. PM me anytime! :)
 
Where is this going?
 
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