Help with my personal statement

[Turcle]

I'm beginning to drive myself crazy with my personal statement. Last year at my file review at U of I, I was told I should have had a perfect score. I missed three points not awful, but don't want to reuse it since I have had so much happen since then and learned so much. I'm really worried that this reads more like a resume, so anyone that wants to read it please go ahead and give me any advice, don't be afraid to be critical the adcoms will. THANKS!

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[chris03333]

I'm beginning to drive myself crazy with my personal statement. Last year at my file review at U of I, I was told I should have had a perfect score. I missed three points not awful, but don't want to reuse it since I have had so much happen since then and learned so much. I'm really worried that this reads more like a resume, so anyone that wants to read it please go ahead and give me any advice, don't be afraid to be critical the adcoms will. THANKS!

I would not say that you did not meet the academic standards...especially in your first paragraph (often the most memorable portion). You do tend to get resume-ish. Try to tell a story. What was the moment that made you change your career direction?

 

[catlover]

I would probably start by proofreading it and fixing typos and grammatical mistakes, e.g. "I have always had pet to call my own". You want it to be perfect in those respects.

 

[Turcle]

I would probably start by proofreading it and fixing typos and grammatical mistakes, e.g. "I have always had pet to call my own". You want it to be perfect in those respects.

Yea, sorry about that. This was last night's revision and I got stuck on what to do. I needed some outside advice on what to do rewrite major portions or make minor changes to get more emotion into the essay overall. So I didn't do a great job proofreading, sorry

 

[dpcdoc]

I think you need to replace the first paragraph entirely. It should definitely not be negative, you need to grab the readers attention and make them want to keep reading. Remember, the adcoms see something like 900 applications (at least at my school anyway). Your first paragraph has to be strong. Best of luck to you.

 

[Turcle]

I think you need to replace the first paragraph entirely. It should definitely not be negative, you need to grab the readers attention and make them want to keep reading. Remember, the adcoms see something like 900 applications (at least at my school anyway). Your first paragraph has to be strong. Best of luck to you.

I've been debating with my friends about this introduction, and I recently changed the intro. My admission about not getting in because of grades is still there. I think it more as facing my problems, instead of evading them.

Last year I used a similar intro, and I'm using the same one now after advice from friends. When I did my post mortem I was told I scored very high, and that it should have been a perfect score, but the people must have been cranky that day.

I'm torn with what to do. Almost everyone that read it says its too negative, except when I did my post mortem at Illinois with Mary. When I take it out I think it weakens the intro and when I leave it in people object.

Btw I'm attaching the intro if anyone wants to read it, the new theme to the essay is my journey to school, the bumps, and how people can learn through failure including established veterinarians.

 

[tpad40]

I really like the new intro!!

 

[VeganChick]

I don't know...in the first paragraph, you say that, just a year ago, you didn't have enough experience but now you do. It just seems to me that you are highlighting what little experience you have, and not selling that you have a lot.