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Perhaps the "pressure" you speak of is actually completely benign. Most people are heterosexual, so it's no surprise that this is the default assumption.
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Perhaps the "pressure" you speak of is actually completely benign. Most people are heterosexual, so it's no surprise that this is the default assumption.
Well...
I bet society could learn a great deal from the ancient Romans, same sex (Man-boy) relationships were a way/phase of life.
I studied about that in my Psychology and Families course.Some great studies on tribal communities in Indonesia that actually practice man-boy relations...they initiate boyhood maturation with oral insemination. Check it out: "Gender and Society"...book has some good stuff in there.
An example historically could be the idea that a women who shows great affection for another female is expressing great longing for a man/and is really desperate for a male in her life. That would be an example of a hetero-centric society in the past. Obviously you can see how that would impact the standing of women who were lesbian.I suppose you're right because I really have no clue what you are talking about.
Well that assumes a patrilocal structure, where man is the leader of the family. A woman may go towards another woman for female-ness. Not male-ness. And likewise. I guy could run from a bossy mother towards an understanding male. But I am stereo-typing here. And that (stereotyping mindest) is generally a no-no.An example historically could be the idea that a women who shows great affection for another female is expressing great longing for a man/and is really desperate for a male in her life. That would be an example of a hetero-centric society in the past. Obviously you can see how that would impact the standing of women who were lesbian.
Even with heterosexual relationships you encounter variables that are not social norms.
Yep, if you are a married heterosexual couple without children (and state that you don't want children when asked), a lot of people find this to be very strange (and tell you that you will change your mind).
I really think people are taking all this stuff way to personally.
In the "heteronormative, judeochristian" culture that is the US, it might important to recognize that having children is the natural extension of matrimony and is actually the underlying motivation for it. So, again, not surprising that many expect this to occur. I really think people are taking all this stuff way to personally.
I love looking at social constructs and dynamics as well. My dissertation was an ethnography which is a construct from sociology. I feel that having a sociological perspective helps with my clinical work especially as I strive to understand an individuals own perspective of their role in various levels of culture and how that plays out in their core beliefs or paradigms which may be driving some of their distress.Sometimes I wonder if I chose the right path for graduate school....because I loved studying this, I think they are a lot of crossovers from the varying disciplines in the social and behavioral sciences that could do well to converge on a topic such as this. But yeah...I really like this.
I'm sure that gets hard. But if you are choosing (as opposed to difficulty with conception) to do something so outside societal norms, I think you should expect some amount of surprise from others. This doesn't mean it won't get on your nerves or hurt your feelings, you are right about that. But I don't think it's realistic to expect a utopian society that is totally unquestioning of social norm deviations. That's just not realistic.
I've found most folks are at worst mildly irritated by situations that just involve confusion or curiosity, but generally understanding and happy to explain/discuss with an open-minded individual. Its when it crosses over into implying superiority or telling others how to live that folks start to get offended.
Very well said. I'm perfectly fine with discussing whether or not I want to have kids with open-minded individuals. And I expect that family members and friends will ask me questions about this. Like you said, the curiosity doesn't bother me. It's when strangers inform me that I am screwed if I don't have children before the age of 30 that I become somewhat irate. And I have snarky responses ready for those people. People I have just met who ask me, "do you have kids?" and when I say no, they launch into how children are the meaning of life and how I am missing out on it. Or acquaintances telling me it's my "duty" to provide children for my husband. It used to bother me a lot, but now I expect these types of questions/statements, and it is what it is. I would be surprised if people didn't question my "married, no children, two cat" household status. But yeah, when people cross that line and begin to tell me how to live my life, I do get offended. But not nearly as much as I used to.
The thing is it's not that these are just cool cognitions. There are values bound up in them, that's what makes them effective as norms. People invest themselves into, and shape themselves through, normed practices and ideals. Beyond that, they have to justify themselves to themselves. This means that outliers aren't just perceived heuristic 'blips', but as potentially dangerous inasmuch as they can destabilize those values, and a person's sense of self. So outliers are mocked, derided, or in the least case, patronized, if they're seen as otherwise conforming to norms.
As far as coping with it, really I think the best thing is to spend time with other outliers, in order to validate your own choices and just spend more time feeling comfortable. Much easier, then to be tolerant of judging others, or take on the goal of educating them if you want to.
e.g. if not having children is an issue, spend time with other child-free couples. there's even a national organization for that, i think, child-free something, sorry can't think of it.
all of this will be harder outside of metropolitan centres.
My husband and I probably do spend more time with our friends without children, because there are certain restaurants or certain vacations that just aren't conducive to children. However, I have a lot of friends with children, and I also spend a great deal of time with them as well (and sometimes their kids).
I have heard of that organization, I can't think of the name either, I know somebody who went to meetings, because she really wanted to have children and was having difficulties conceiving. The meetings seemed to help her.
For me, it's not that I'm unable to have children, it's just that at this point in my life, I don't want children (for a bunch of reasons), and neither does my husband.
Luckily, I have always lived in metropolitan areas (even moved to one for internship), so that definitely makes it a lot easier. There are a lot of like-minded people in the areas where I have lived.
I think sometimes the "surprise" or "shock" is jealousy.
I would say the opposite is true. Most people I know with children feel so rewarded by the relationship, attachment is hard-wired into us humans as being intrinsically rewarding, that they truly are surprised when others don't get to experience it. Drug users actually feel the same way.I think sometimes the "surprise" or "shock" is jealousy. All of us have to make sacrifices, so some people who chose to have kids instead of a career, might be trying to over-compensate by being shocked that others also wouldn't make the same decision.
If one doesn't want kids, then I agree whole heartily that you shouldn't. I think the reactions you see are not so much based on "not conforming to society" or religious beliefs about the sacrament of marriage, but rather a marveling type of curiosity...largely due to the fact that the desire to reproduce is so biologically hardwired throughout all cultures (obviously, or else we would die out).
No. I dont think so.
Good job trying to go Freudian though...
That goes to what i was saying about how people with children find that experience immensely rewarding. Hell, I feel that way about my step-kids and nieces and nephews. Can only imagine how it would feel to be a parent.Of course. But do I ever regret having my children? Absolutely not. Never.
You don't have to regret having your children to on some level not feel somewhat envious of someone who has a really fun/cool career.Of course. But do I ever regret having my children? Absolutely not. Never.
You don't have to regret having your children to on some level not feel somewhat envious of someone who has a really fun/cool career.