Physician-Physician Marriages/long term relationships

[studentp0x]

How does it work if both people in the marriage are working 50-60+ hours a week? I understand a physician-nonphysician relationship seems similar on paper since at least one side is gone for that many hours... but... basically with both people working such highly demanding jobs, who raises the kids? cleans the house? cooks the food? etc. etc.

Also, if both people are spending the bulk of their hours with other people, certainly the odds of an affair go up.

Anyway, personally I seem to think that one spouse should be working part time or at least a better distributed work schedule that allows for raising kids and what not. (Unfortunately, the "kids" issue doesn't really stop at 13-14 years old or whatever, since giving kids absolute freedom during high school would be a colossal nightmare for any caring parent)

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[skab]

Can't speak in terms of a marriage as my parents divorced, but growing up with physician parents I never felt any neglect or like my childhood suffered because of their professions. Never any infidelity, both are happily remarried. We had an au pair living at my mom's during our youth in case she had to run out for call during the night. It seemed to work out well. When we were older, just family and friends for babysitting and then hired a cleaning service. We also lived close to extended family, so plenty of aunts/uncles and grandparents to help out. Both of my parents usually work 4 days/week (FM & PM&R are reasonable professions for scheduling). It's possible to achieve a work/life balance as long as that is a priority for you.

 

[studentp0x]

Can't speak in terms of a marriage as my parents divorced, but growing up with physician parents I never felt any neglect or like my childhood suffered because of their professions. Never any infidelity, both are happily remarried. We had an au pair living at my mom's during our youth in case she had to run out for call during the night. It seemed to work out well. When we were older, just family and friends for babysitting and then hired a cleaning service. We also lived close to extended family, so plenty of aunts/uncles and grandparents to help out. Both of my parents usually work 4 days/week (FM & PM&R are reasonable professions for scheduling). It's possible to achieve a work/life balance as long as that is a priority for you.

Was it your divorced parents who were physicians?

Also, infidelity can happen without ever being discovered. Plenty of people cheat (on multiple occasions) and never get caught. Not something to generally claim.

Though your case sounded good (other family support, lifestyle friendly work). Many people don't have that luxury though.

 

[skab]

Was it your divorced parents who were physicians?

Also, infidelity can happen without ever being discovered. Plenty of people cheat (on multiple occasions) and never get caught. Not something to generally claim.

Though your case sounded good (other family support, lifestyle friendly work). Many people don't have that luxury though.

Yes, both divorced parents were physicians, so the majority of our childhood we had single parents - challenging in its own ways.

I suppose I should rephrase - infidelity was not a cause of divorce; more just differing expectations, world views. Both are very independent, however, so trust issues/jealousy did not factor into their decision to divorce. I suppose to assume either fidelity OR infidelity would be just that, an assumption. Either case is speculative.

I can't speak to having both parents working 60+ hours. That would be difficult.

 

[that redhead]

Anyway, personally I seem to think that one spouse should be working part time or at least a better distributed work schedule that allows for raising kids and what not. (Unfortunately, the "kids" issue doesn't really stop at 13-14 years old or whatever, since giving kids absolute freedom during high school would be a colossal nightmare for any caring parent)

Presumably a couple in which each person works 50-60 hours a week are people who have put (and continue to put) a lot of effort, money and time into their respective careers. How do you propose to tell one of those people that they need to go part-time to handle the family side of things? How do you decide whose career is more "worth it"? All I can see is resentment blossoming. A solid relationship is about equality, respect, communication and often compromise.

As for children in high school - I know plenty of people who went through high school "laissez-faire" and turned out fine. For those that didn't, there are an equal number of people who burned out from too much parental oversight and are now screwed up. Children are not so cut-and-dry as "I will say this and they will do it" - best intentions and all that.

As for the actual logistics, you may have to get creative - cook meals and freeze them for the week on a day you have off, have the kids put together their own lunches, etc. If you're working that much, you probably have some money to put toward hired help of some sort, which is probably the more logical answer.

 

[SunsFun]

Presumably a couple in which each person works 50-60 hours a week are people who have put (and continue to put) a lot of effort, money and time into their respective careers. How do you propose to tell one of those people that they need to go part-time to handle the family side of things? How do you decide whose career is more "worth it"? All I can see is resentment blossoming. A solid relationship is about equality, respect, communication and often compromise.

As for children in high school - I know plenty of people who went through high school "laissez-faire" and turned out fine. For those that didn't, there are an equal number of people who burned out from too much parental oversight and are now screwed up. Children are not so cut-and-dry as "I will say this and they will do it" - best intentions and all that.

As for the actual logistics, you may have to get creative - cook meals and freeze them for the week on a day you have off, have the kids put together their own lunches, etc. If you're working that much, you probably have some money to put toward hired help of some sort, which is probably the more logical answer.

Relationships are also about sacrifice. Just because having very little parental involvement worked out for some doesn't mean it is a good way of parenting.

 

[studentp0x]

Presumably a couple in which each person works 50-60 hours a week are people who have put (and continue to put) a lot of effort, money and time into their respective careers. How do you propose to tell one of those people that they need to go part-time to handle the family side of things? How do you decide whose career is more "worth it"? All I can see is resentment blossoming. A solid relationship is about equality, respect, communication and often compromise.

As for children in high school - I know plenty of people who went through high school "laissez-faire" and turned out fine. For those that didn't, there are an equal number of people who burned out from too much parental oversight and are now screwed up. Children are not so cut-and-dry as "I will say this and they will do it" - best intentions and all that.

As for the actual logistics, you may have to get creative - cook meals and freeze them for the week on a day you have off, have the kids put together their own lunches, etc. If you're working that much, you probably have some money to put toward hired help of some sort, which is probably the more logical answer.

When you bring kids into this world, you owe them. Simple as that.

And if you don't want to risk your teen becoming a smoker, drug user, slut, etc. your odds are MUCH better with supervision.

 

[that redhead]

Relationships are also about sacrifice. Just because having very little parental involvement worked out for some doesn't mean it is a good way of parenting.

And just because heavy handed parenting worked out for some does not mean it is always the best way of parenting. I don't advocate hands-off parenting by any means (I personally was raised pretty strictly compare with many of my peers) but you have to understand that children, especially young adults, will find a way to get what they want or do what they want many times. I myself did plenty of things my parents never even knew about, be even when raised more strictly. I think I've turned out just fine. Part of parenting is raising your kid to understand right/wrong and decision making skills so that when they're an adult and hopefully out from under your roof, they can think for themselves and make good life choices. As a parent, you want to set them up for the best possible life and that doesn't mean making all of their decisions for them.

I don't know what you mean by "owe" them - yes, you should be responsible toward them, meet their needs and then some, but part of a healthy family dynamic is that between the parents too. Sacrifice is inevitable, I agree. But the whole relationship doesn't have to be sacrificed only tweaked to work.

 

[SunsFun]

And just because heavy handed parenting worked out for some does not mean it is always the best way of parenting. I don't advocate hands-off parenting by any means (I personally was raised pretty strictly compare with many of my peers) but you have to understand that children, especially young adults, will find a way to get what they want or do what they want many times. I myself did plenty of things my parents never even knew about, be even when raised more strictly. I think I've turned out just fine. Part of parenting is raising your kid to understand right/wrong and decision making skills so that when they're an adult and hopefully out from under your roof, they can think for themselves and make good life choices. As a parent, you want to set them up for the best possible life and that doesn't mean making all of their decisions for them.

I don't know what you mean by "owe" them - yes, you should be responsible toward them, meet their needs and then some, but part of a healthy family dynamic is that between the parents too. Sacrifice is inevitable, I agree. But the whole relationship doesn't have to be sacrificed only tweaked to work.

I don't get what you are advocating here. Nobody is suggesting helicopter parenting. In my view, good parents must spend significant amount of time with their children. To think that both people can work 60+ hours and be completely absorbed with their respective career while leaving the kids to self-develop is irresponsible even if that has worked out for some people.

 

[that redhead]

To think that both people can work 60+ hours and be completely absorbed with their respective career while leaving the kids to self-develop is irresponsible even if that has worked out for some people.

I'm not suggesting you leave your children unattended all day every day or raised purely by hired help, but find a balance in which you can raise and nurture your child and maintain some involvement in your own career. What else is the point of entering a field where you're working long hours (presumably to make money to support your family)? If it works out well and produces a productive, well adjusted member of society, how is that irresponsible?

And I think a certain degree of self development is important. Not as very young children, obviously, but as they become older I think it can be a very beneficial part of becoming a functional adult. Again, not "see ya in a week, kid!" and jetting off on vacation, but allowing them to be their own person and develop their own interests outside of the family unit.

My biggest sticking point isn't necessarily how to raise a child - many styles have been tried and seen success - but how to determine which parent essentially puts their career on hold for the sake of the family unit, assuming each makes relatively equal income. As someone making sacrifices in my current relationship (and asking my husband to do the same) it's an interesting predicament.