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The Poo Guide
1. The Ghost Poo The kind of poo where you feel it come out and you know you've done it, but when you wipe, there is nothing on the paper and there is no poo in the toilet. Where did it go?
2. The Clean Poo The sort of poo which is so smooth and streamlined that it virtually falls out of your bottom. You can see poo in the toilet but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
3. The Hot Tar Poo The kind of poo where even after 50 wipes you are still getting staining on the paper so you have to put some bog roll between your bum cheeks and in your underwear to prevent skid marks.
4. The Second Thought Poo Just as you think you've finished your poo and have painstakingly wiped yourself clean and pulled your keks to the knee, you realise there is still some more poo to come out.
5. The Lincoln Log Poo The kind of poo that is so huge you're afraid that it will not flush down the toilet unless you break it up into little pieces with a stick. This poo only happens when you are at somebody else's house.
6. The Sweetcorn Poo Self explanatory.
7. The "I Wish I Could Poo" Poo You really feel as if you need to poo but every time you try, all you manage is a couple of farts.
8. The Side Birth or The Boo-Hoo Poo This poo hurts so much that you swear it is coming out sideways - your eyes water and you will probably need stitches.
9. The Fishermans Bobber or Floating Poo
You do your poo and flush two times but there are still several golf-ball size pieces floating above the water line.
10. The Sultana Poo
This type of poo is really frustrating. You get yourself prepared for a "Side-Birth, and spend about half an hour sweating it out on the bog, but all you manage in the end is a small plop resembling a sultana.
11. Peek-a-Poo
When you nearly have a stroke pushing a poo out only to have it retract when you take a breath. (Courtesy of xanthines)
1. The Ghost Poo The kind of poo where you feel it come out and you know you've done it, but when you wipe, there is nothing on the paper and there is no poo in the toilet. Where did it go?
2. The Clean Poo The sort of poo which is so smooth and streamlined that it virtually falls out of your bottom. You can see poo in the toilet but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
3. The Hot Tar Poo The kind of poo where even after 50 wipes you are still getting staining on the paper so you have to put some bog roll between your bum cheeks and in your underwear to prevent skid marks.
4. The Second Thought Poo Just as you think you've finished your poo and have painstakingly wiped yourself clean and pulled your keks to the knee, you realise there is still some more poo to come out.
5. The Lincoln Log Poo The kind of poo that is so huge you're afraid that it will not flush down the toilet unless you break it up into little pieces with a stick. This poo only happens when you are at somebody else's house.
6. The Sweetcorn Poo Self explanatory.
7. The "I Wish I Could Poo" Poo You really feel as if you need to poo but every time you try, all you manage is a couple of farts.
8. The Side Birth or The Boo-Hoo Poo This poo hurts so much that you swear it is coming out sideways - your eyes water and you will probably need stitches.
9. The Fishermans Bobber or Floating Poo
You do your poo and flush two times but there are still several golf-ball size pieces floating above the water line.
10. The Sultana Poo
This type of poo is really frustrating. You get yourself prepared for a "Side-Birth, and spend about half an hour sweating it out on the bog, but all you manage in the end is a small plop resembling a sultana.
11. Peek-a-Poo
When you nearly have a stroke pushing a poo out only to have it retract when you take a breath. (Courtesy of xanthines)
I assume that I will be all better by then, though I think it may take me a while to get all my strength back. I don't know what I would have done if it had been today or yesterday!
