Should I even bother applying with these IA's

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Your goal is not to have the masturbation accusation come out, if you'll pardon the pun. Does beating off in public while drunk come under the "belligerent behavior while drunk"? Belligerent seems to suggest fighting but it seems you're not a fighter but a lover... was it Woody Allen who said "Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love." In any case, I'd think you want to do all you can to keep the details of the event out of the public eye. (There I go again.) Some med schools might raise an eyebrow at an undergrad institution that suspends someone over bad behavior while drunk but many schools will overlook drunken behavior. Weed... I know someone IRL who struck out in two application rounds with weed on the application but I think there might have been questions raised about his fascination with it because his research, his volunteerism and everything else after the event was related to pot and seeing that in the experience section just kept in on the radar long after the page describing the IA had been scrolled past.
We are just debating how to master this situation. It really isnt is the best interest of the OP to beat around the bush on this. If this were to come up at interview he might choke or even chicken out. So getting it off his chest by following @LizzyM's most recent advice as to following the IA letter, not the investigative report, is what he should do. Frankly, if the UG school were to pass on an investigative report with unsubstantiated allegations to a med school, that would be grounds for a lawsuit.

I'm just happy OP didn't get spanked for being a jerk in the streets ;)

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