Spouse weight gain?

[wamcp]

So what's the approach to this? Keep mum and never say anything? Use subtle ways to get them to cut down on caloric intake/exercise? Or just confront them and roll the dice. We all know medicine is stressful enough as it is. Asking for a friend.

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[RespectTheChemistry]

Time to eat crow! Sorry, folks.

 

[Crayola227]

The above is a lot of nice sentiment, sadly however, the statistics show, and especially with age, people in this country don't tend to meaningfully shrink with time. And it is important to unconditionally support your partner, but on the other hand both of you should strive to be as healthy as you can for each other.

Not saying something and enabling someone's weight to increase with the passing of time or spiraling out of control, well, that's about one of the worst health things that could happen to them physically. You may as well say nothing when they stop using condoms to bang outside the relationship or they start mainlining heroin. The point is that these are lifestyle things that have an ENORMOUS (forgive the pun) potnetial impact on health. Sure it might seem because of infection risk those examples more directly affect the spouse, but don't think obesity and the fruits of that tree will potentially impact a spouse any less.

The real question is, has this person approached being medically overweight?

Because ANY weight that is medically healthy and appropriate should NEVER be commented on, even if the person is in fact larger and maybe you don't really like it. Find ways to get over it. If it's affecting the sex life despite your attempts to soldier on and the other person is unhappy and struggling to find out why, then I guess you owe it to them to explain your unreasonable expectations for beauty (objectively unreasonable, I understand that we also "like what we like" to some extent, but go watch an SNL skit about Lowered Expectations and challenge yourself).

If someone has entered the realm of medically overweight, this is a zone where doing nothing and saying nothing may not be the wisest choice. Contrary to a lot of things, people aren't always the best gauge of how overnight they are.

I would start by identifying if there's any problematic and shared habits that could be addressed first. "I feel like we're not getting enough of the recommended exercise for our heart health and it's making me concerned for our longevity together. Would you work out with me?" Is one approach. "I feel like I'm not eating as healthily as I could be. Would you be willing to eat more fruits and veggies with me?"

The person you love often wants to help you with your problems.

Now, this approach doesn't work if you're not willing to adjust your habits (and even assuming your weight is fine, if you want your partner to lose weight and change their habits you should be willing to do it with them) or if your habits are already above reproach and they are living a very different lifestyle from yours.

I had this issue when my partner was eating a lot of fast food on the go because of work. I was able to clean up our shared diet and encourage us to work out more, but I couldn't really undo what he ate on his own. I started packing him a lunch, the explanation being I wanted us to save money and him to eat healthier. Before this sounds uber controlling keep in mind he expressed on his own wanting to lose weight and eat healthier, and this was me trying to help him with that goal.

But in the case I'm saying where the above fails or doesn't apply, this is where you may be forced into a corner of saying something.

I would NOT say anything specifically about weight if the person is already complaining about being overweight, or complaining the doctor has told them they are overweight. If they seem to be in denial, that's a different thing. If they know they're overweight, focus on having healthier habits together and leave it at that, unless their weight continues to increase or habits continue to be unhealthful.

The person who knows they have a weight problem you don't need to mention weight at all. Just focus on wanting the two of you to support each other in a pact to make healthier choices.

I don't want to say gender makes a difference here, but in my experience it does. Women rarely need to be told they're fat and their partner may not find them attractive. Honestly, I'm shocked how often this is news to a dude.

If you do end up in the unenviable position to need to say something, be sure to reassure your partner it has nothing to do with their appearance or how attractive you find them (even if this is untrue. Unless you would just rather have no sex or physical affection at all even from the version of your partner you find less attractive than previously, AND you would like this self-consciousness and lack of physicality to continue even after they potentially lose weight. This really happens.)

If all else fails, say that you've noticed they've put on some weight, and this has nothing to do with their attractiveness, you just worry about their health long term continuing at this weight or if it increased, because you're concerned they may be in a category of having higher health risks. They look fine and if it weren't for the simple fact certain weights and health habits have increases in health risks, you wouldn't be saying anything at all. You worry about the current habits of exercise and diet leading to this change. You don't want them to feel self conscious or to focus on their weight, you want to focus on working on healthful habits because you want both of you to be healthy and grow old together.

It's not a fun conversation and there can be fall out, and frankly this conversation makes the most sense before the horse has left the barn. You're doing someone a favor saying something when the weight gain is 5-15 lbs overweight, not like 30, when it will be easier to undo the weight gain and the blow to confidence by getting back to a healthy weight.

If it is more weight than that, it is a worse situation to bring up as the amount of damage to reverse is so much greater. The person will be having to live with the weight and self consciousness for longer.

If your partner loves you and is a reasonable, rational person without a history of eating disorder, and you have a good healthy relationship, and you approach this carefully, they will forgive you the hurt and understand you are looking out for them.

I could hear this from my partner, and if he wanted to make it easier for me to cut calories (cooking healthful meals, working out with me, also making sacrifices, etc), it would be OK. I would probably need to hear from him like a million times he found me attractive regardless and could use a lot of physical demonstrations on his part proving that. But that's me. Some people will not be able to hear this. Doesn't mean you should sit by and say nothing while they eat themselves into an early grave. Would you do that if they were drinking themselves to death?

I should also note that you're going to have an easier time delivering this message if you've given your partner no reason to question how you feel about them physically. I would definitely fix other issues in the relationship if they exist, particularly with sex, before attempting this.

 

[Crayola227]

So what's the approach to this? Keep mum and never say anything? Use subtle ways to get them to cut down on caloric intake/exercise? Or just confront them and roll the dice. We all know medicine is stressful enough as it is. Asking for a friend.

I should have pointed out that while my approach was saying you could just focus on wanting to make healthful changes together, you need to be very, very careful with the approach "subtly getting them to cut/burn calories" because they'll probably see through that and not appreciate what you *are not* saying. This approach works better if the weight is so little they might truly think it's about your/combined health, say 5 lbs. Or it's a dude. Ime, when they've gained a lot and don't seem to know it, subtlety can go over their head. Which is good, but also bad. You may have to spell it out for them in order for interventions to stick.

If it's more weight or a woman, and you attempt subtle, that could really backfire. They will know you think they've put on weight and aren't telling them. They will jump to fears about why you wouldn't just tell them they put on weight, and almost invariably conclude it's because you don't find them as attractive.

I should have added in the more subtle approach, if they ask if you think they've put on some weight, say yes. Don't dodge or lie. You need them to trust you're telling the truth, so they'll believe you when you reassure them about attractiveness. But explain why you didn't mention it. "Yes, I think so. But I didn't want to focus on your weight because for me it's not really the actual weight, it's about health."

If it's a lot of weight, subtle or a health focused approach likely won't work for several reasons. A lot of weight frequently needs a lot more to address it. Pussyfooting around likely won't help.

Frankly it's easier if you're in the same boat as them weight wise because you can be a little more open about weight and make it about both of you, both of your health, and take a lot of sting out.

Sorry for the novellas. This is up there with sexual dysfunction as far as how sensitive and complex a conversation and issue it is to address in a relationship.

 

[Crayola227]

I also wanted to explain why you shouldn't say anything about any weight or gain within the medically normal weight zone, and only say something about an overweight weight (or concern for approaching that zone).

The reason is because you don't have any good fall back reasoning for doing so. You can't as easily make it about health and health habits. That isn't to say when people are a normal weight someone in a normal sized couple can't say they want to have healthier habits. But you can't really make it about weight when everyone is a medically normal weight.

If the physician thinks the weight is fine for health, then what leg do you have to stand on to criticize weight specifically?

You will not have health so clearly as your defense, and then they might rightfully conclude this is about appearance and beauty standards. As I hinted, the fallout from this is probably not worth not just learning to love your partner's healthy weight, and them just a few pounds heavier but still healthy.

So a normal weight zone should never bring up weight and make it about weight, only healthful habits. At the same time, again, if it is enough weight that it's basically impossible to dodge bringing up weight, focus still needs to be health.

If they're a medically normal weight but you're trying to head off problems with weight by focusing on healthful habits, you can say that. Definitely emphasize this isn't about weight because they're a normal weight, this is only about how even at a normal weight you'll be healthier and live longer together with better habits.

Also let them know even if they put on weight (or more weight) it wouldn't change how you feel about them, and they would still be attractive, but the concern would be health. Even if untrue.

Where these convos always go wrong is when you link weight and attractiveness. Some people might find it more motivating to lose weight knowing it affects how you see their attractiveness which is why people are often tempted to be "truthful" about this. I think the possible payoff (they take their weight more seriously and try to lose it better) is vastly outweighed by what is almost certain to happen (they are stuck at that weight and in the bed of knowing you find them less attractive).

 

[wamcp]

I also wanted to explain why you shouldn't say anything about any weight or gain within the medically normal weight zone, and only say something about an overweight weight (or concern for approaching that zone).

The reason is because you don't have any good fall back reasoning for doing so. You can't as easily make it about health and health habits. That isn't to say when people are a normal weight someone in a normal sized couple can't say they want to have healthier habits. But you can't really make it about weight when everyone is a medically normal weight.

If the physician thinks the weight is fine for health, then what leg do you have to stand on to criticize weight specifically?

You will not have health so clearly as your defense, and then they might rightfully conclude this is about appearance and beauty standards. As I hinted, the fallout from this is probably not worth not just learning to love your partner's healthy weight, and them just a few pounds heavier but still healthy.

So a normal weight zone should never bring up weight and make it about weight, only healthful habits. At the same time, again, if it is enough weight that it's basically impossible to dodge bringing up weight, focus still needs to be health.

If they're a medically normal weight but you're trying to head off problems with weight by focusing on healthful habits, you can say that. Definitely emphasize this isn't about weight because they're a normal weight, this is only about how even at a normal weight you'll be healthier and live longer together with better habits.

Also let them know even if they put on weight (or more weight) it wouldn't change how you feel about them, and they would still be attractive, but the concern would be health. Even if untrue.

Where these convos always go wrong is when you link weight and attractiveness. Some people might find it more motivating to lose weight knowing it affects how you see their attractiveness which is why people are often tempted to be "truthful" about this. I think the possible payoff (they take their weight more seriously and try to lose it better) is vastly outweighed by what is almost certain to happen (they are stuck at that weight and in the bed of knowing you find them less attractive).

I have seen things backfire hard when the brutally honest comment is “well, weight is a big deal because it’s a controllable factor in attraction between us, the same way showering daily and maintaining hygiene is also based on effort. Weight isn’t usually a predetermined trait like height or size of mammary glands. Calories in, calories out. You eating like a slob just shows you don’t respect me, yourself, or our relationship.”

 

[HemeOncHopeful19]

OP I have no good advice for you but if I were President of the World this wouldn’t be treated any different than if your spouse suddenly took up smoking.

Of course with me being a former smoker and my spouse having never touched tobacco that is not the reality in my house.

 

[HemeOncHopeful19]

I think the odds are that this will sort itself out in due time anyway.

Disagree completely with this and it is mathematically incorrect assuming OP is living in the United States. Statistically speaking every human living in the US is more likely to become overweight/obese than not during their lifetime.

 

[sunshinefl]

I have seen things backfire hard when the brutally honest comment is “well, weight is a big deal because it’s a controllable factor in attraction between us, the same way showering daily and maintaining hygiene is also based on effort. Weight isn’t usually a predetermined trait like height or size of mammary glands. Calories in, calories out. You eating like a slob just shows you don’t respect me, yourself, or our relationship.”

I hate this trope. I’m overweight. And I know that I am. But I don’t “eat like a slob”. Picture this, if you gain 3 lbs per year for 10 years, you’re 30 lbs over weight. Gaining 3 lbs per year is a lot less overeating than “eating like a slob”. If you ate like a slob you would rapidly balloon up to “my 600 lb life” size.

 

[wamcp]

I hate this trope. I’m overweight. And I know that I am. But I don’t “eat like a slob”. Picture this, if you gain 3 lbs per year for 10 years, you’re 30 lbs over weight. Gaining 3 lbs per year is a lot less overeating than “eating like a slob”. If you ate like a slob you would rapidly balloon up to “my 600 lb life” size.

You’re absolutely right. In any case I the kernel of truth is still there though. For the vast majority of people, weight gain is absolutely within their complete control. No one puts a gun to your head to eat.

 

[sloh]

If you love your partner so much, you should feel it is your responsibility to watch your diet and exercise regularly to stay attractive for the sake of the relationship. Love is never unconditional.

 

[sunshinefl]

If you love your partner so much, you should feel it is your responsibility to watch your diet and exercise regularly to stay attractive for the sake of the relationship. Love is never unconditional.

You’re assuming what is attractive to you is 100% universal. I promise my husband and I still have sex.

 

[sunshinefl]

You’re absolutely right. In any case I the kernel of truth is still there though. For the vast majority of people, weight gain is absolutely within their complete control. No one puts a gun to your head to eat.

Oh yeah it’s in my control. Not arguing against that.

 

[sloh]

You’re assuming what is attractive to you is 100% universal. I promise my husband and I still have sex.

But attraction is at least partly physical for most couples. I'm glad it's working out for your relationship

 

[Crayola227]

If you love your partner so much, you should feel it is your responsibility to watch your diet and exercise regularly to stay attractive for the sake of the relationship. Love is never unconditional.

I feel this sort of oversimplifies control of one's weight.

Marriage is for better or for worse. While I don't think marriage should be conditional on a certain body fat percentage, it is fair to want your partner to have healthful habits.

Weight control is extraordinarily complex. For all we know, the OP's partner had a baby and has some baby weight and other postpartum complications and then it can be hard to be a parent when the other parent is a full time physician.

The person you live with and what they eat has a huge effect too. Are you suggesting take out or going out to eat? That will make it harder.

At the end of the day, you need to be sure you're not contributing to your partner's weight issues with your own food choices.

In any case, acknowledging how difficult weight is to control, is why it is better to focus on healthier choices than necessarily how that ends up translating to the scale. Because a reasonable diet and exercise does not always equal skinny. At some point just not gaining is a victory. Lasting loss is extraordinarily difficult in our society.

 

[jhmmd]

You’re absolutely right. In any case I the kernel of truth is still there though. For the vast majority of people, weight gain is absolutely within their complete control. No one puts a gun to your head to eat.

Weight gain/loss depends on a multide of factors but as everyone knows it comes down to calories in/calories out. You also have to factor in things like muscle mass raising RMR, type of calories (a plant-based diet will have you losing weight in no time; fried food and fast food historically drive weight up)...you get the picture. While "control" may not be the issue, weight loss itself is not so simple or no one would be overweight.

 

[nikolaite]

A friend of mine and his wife are going through this. He ballooned up 50 lb over the five years since he married. She was completely disgusted and rejected touching, seeing him naked and sex. It destroyed him emotionally to the point he has no hope of dropping the excess weight. After talking with him about this some, it seems to me that his issues aren’t really about a passive neglect or eating like a slob so much as pleasure seeking: his marriage has been so bad from the start that the only “benes” he gets are from eating, his dog and riding his motorcycle...which motorcycle he just sold.

As far as myself, what I would do is look at whether you’re talking about a cosmetic degradation or a risky weight gain. If the weight is unnecessarily increasing CVD risk factors or metabolic syndrome, then there would have to be a serious “come to reality” talk. If it’s just cosmetic and it makes sex disgusting or divisive, a similar talk may be necessary. And if rejection or disgust at a developing bodily degradation or even simply talking about such degradation, which has a controllable or voluntary cause, is going to be an emotional problem/trigger for the partner gaining weight, there may be an indicator that the whole foundation of the problem is emotional and needs to be dealt with as such.

I keep my husband on a very strict diet as such. It’s not a control thing as much as it is a care thing. He’s in his early 60s and was starting to get that common central adiposity which is a concerning characteristic. Now it’s better and he seems extremely happy.

I think for both spouses’ sake you gotta be unafraid to address potentially divisive problems to prevent the problems from becoming reality.

All the best, OP, this can be really difficult emotionally.

 

[sloh]

I keep my husband on a very strict diet as such. It’s not a control thing as much as it is a care thing. He’s in his early 60s and was starting to get that common central adiposity which is a concerning characteristic. Now it’s better and he seems extremely happy.

Did he readily accept this without any resistance?

 

[nikolaite]

Did he readily accept this without any resistance?

Yes. He tried to diet and exercise himself. It didn’t work. I got his labs done to see what we were actually dealing with: blood sugar, cholesterol, etc. and then explained to him what he was up against at his age. He’s an engineer so he goes with the data. I gave him a two week trial period and he lost 12 lb. After that he refuses to do anything other than his strict diet and exercise. If I vary anything, he immediately wants to know the caloric impact and confirmation that it is within his diet parameters. He’s now about a year into the diet with no rebound weight gain and remarkable lab values.

So, I’d say his resistance is solely focused on his old lifestyle.

 

[jhmmd]

Yes. He tried to diet and exercise himself. It didn’t work. I got his labs done to see what we were actually dealing with: blood sugar, cholesterol, etc. and then explained to him what he was up against at his age. He’s an engineer so he goes with the data. I gave him a two week trial period and he lost 12 lb. After that he refuses to do anything other than his strict diet and exercise. If I vary anything, he immediately wants to know the caloric impact and confirmation that it is within his diet parameters. He’s now about a year into the diet with no rebound weight gain and remarkable lab values.

So, I’d say his resistance is solely focused on his old lifestyle.

That is wonderful!
On the other hand, what else can you do?

 

[nikolaite]

That is wonderful!
On the other hand, what else can you do?

There is periodic lipo for subcutaneous fat, but there’s no way he’d consider that...and the edema and visceral fat was what was bothering him and concerning me. So, once he saw good results on the diet, he was sold. Now he is very pleased with his sex appeal and constantly remarks about how young he looks. I told him it’s all perks of a robust healthy diet and exercise.

I wish everyone could see that with basic care they can be the best version of themselves. Emotions sadly tend to get in the way, though.

 

[jhmmd]

There is periodic lipo for subcutaneous fat, but there’s no way he’d consider that...and the edema and visceral fat was what was bothering him and concerning me. So, once he saw good results on the diet, he was sold. Now he is very pleased with his sex appeal and constantly remarks about how young he looks. I told him it’s all perks of a robust healthy diet and exercise.

I wish everyone could see that with basic care they can be the best version of themselves. Emotions sadly tend to get in the way, though.

Wow, it says a lot that your husband went through all that for you. My boyfriend and I would never do something like that, but then again we tend to keep in shape.

 

[Crayola227]

A friend of mine and his wife are going through this. He ballooned up 50 lb over the five years since he married. She was completely disgusted and rejected touching, seeing him naked and sex. It destroyed him emotionally to the point he has no hope of dropping the excess weight. After talking with him about this some, it seems to me that his issues aren’t really about a passive neglect or eating like a slob so much as pleasure seeking: his marriage has been so bad from the start that the only “benes” he gets are from eating, his dog and riding his motorcycle...which motorcycle he just sold.

As far as myself, what I would do is look at whether you’re talking about a cosmetic degradation or a risky weight gain. If the weight is unnecessarily increasing CVD risk factors or metabolic syndrome, then there would have to be a serious “come to reality” talk. If it’s just cosmetic and it makes sex disgusting or divisive, a similar talk may be necessary. And if rejection or disgust at a developing bodily degradation or even simply talking about such degradation, which has a controllable or voluntary cause, is going to be an emotional problem/trigger for the partner gaining weight, there may be an indicator that the whole foundation of the problem is emotional and needs to be dealt with as such.

I keep my husband on a very strict diet as such. It’s not a control thing as much as it is a care thing. He’s in his early 60s and was starting to get that common central adiposity which is a concerning characteristic. Now it’s better and he seems extremely happy.

I think for both spouses’ sake you gotta be unafraid to address potentially divisive problems to prevent the problems from becoming reality.

All the best, OP, this can be really difficult emotionally.

Yes, you absolutely have to do something, the trick is doing it in a way you don't make the issue worse. Whether or not there is emotional problems or relationship problems behind the gain, weight is a very emotional problem for most, and so everything will hinge on the dynamic and the personalities involved and all that.

The weights of our parents affect the methylation of the eggs and sperm that make us beyond just the genes they got from their parents, her health and weight has further effects on the fetus, what our mother eats in utero and while breastfeeding (if she does) can have effects on food preferences. There are only a few times in one's entire life that one readily makes new fat cells, and the baseline number affects weight/metabolism for life. One of those times is childhood (outside of that it is preganancy, and if the fat cells get completely filled which rarely happens in merely overweight or obese people).

On top of all that, eating is a hugely psychological endeavor and "training" begins in infancy. There are huge genetic effects on our sense of taste.

Couple that with the way our eating habits are formed by our families, the way our sense of smell is wired to our emotions. The mash up between feelings and childhood and our families.

When you factor in all the emotional, upbringing, psychological, developmental factors that go into how someone eats, it's huge.

I'm currently 3 months pregnant and reflecting on all of this. Knowing what I know about weight and metabolism and how eating habits usually kept for life are formed, all I can tell you is it's a huge responsibility and a lot needs to be done a certain way to give someone the best chance of healthful eating habits out of the gate.

I had a parent with a health condition that meant I was raised on skim milk, nonfat yogurt substituted for real sour cream, seasoned vinegar only for salad, and on and on and on. All of it has primed me to eat very differently and consider it "normal" and my preference. For me, I'm eating according to childhood comfort. Others are not so lucky.

The easiest way to build these preferences is in childhood. And honestly, I am a bit concerned about my partner's preferences for certain things (whole fat dairy for example) giving the child a palate for more calorically dense food.

I also have some experience with smoking cigarettes and that addiction. To boil these things done to simple choices really misses a whole lot of complexity. Like when people are in a relationship with an abuser as another example.

Rewiring our brains is extremely difficult, and that is what breaking out of any habit entails, especially ones tied to our emotions, childhoods, sense of survival, pleasure and fundamental activities like reproduction and sustenance.

The person who is going to have the most success dealing with these things in themselves or others, is going to understand all of the above and respect what it takes to change a human habit for most people.

 

[nikolaite]

I'm currently 3 months pregnant and reflecting on all of this. Knowing what I know about weight and metabolism and how eating habits usually kept for life are formed, all I can tell you is it's a huge responsibility and a lot needs to be done a certain way to give someone the best chance of healthful eating habits out of the gate.

Congratulations on your new life. That is a tremendous responsibility. It is so refreshing to hear that a person has consideration for her future children amongst all the Mountain Dew and pizza moms.

 

[Crayola227]

Congratulations on your new life. That is a tremendous responsibility. It is so refreshing to hear that a person has consideration for her future children amongst all the Mountain Dew and pizza moms.

Thank you!

It also really makes you aware of the role society plays and how challenging that makes it to control things for your child. While adults can control things in theory for themselves, all around it makes you appreciate how hard it is to deal with influences.

Examples are when your kid goes to other people's houses, other relatives, birthday parties and other celebrations, school, allowances and school cafeterias and vending machines. For activities outside the house I am pretty good about packing my own food items, and that's essential if you're going out with the kid on errands or a day at Disneyland and not to cave to fast food choices.

Having a toddler that doesn't insist on french fries, is possible, but it means basically never exposing them to french fries. This is easier said than done.

We recently had a family member stay with us from the Midwest, who eats a typical American diet, and not much vegetables. Being pregnant, I'm trying to eat more fruits and veggies. It made it extremely difficult to eat out together or cook meals. We were basically eating an entirely different set of food for myself vs for my partner and the relative when at home, for breakfast and lunch. We made dinner as a family with very little overlap. The compromises had me eating fried chicken and hot dogs. I spent a shocking amount of time grocery shopping and cooking to accommodate everyone. When we went on a road trip, that made things doubly difficult to find restaurant choices fitting for all.

Last year I did an elimination diet of only 14 foods for 6 weeks, then weeks of reintroduction of food items. It can be very difficult and socially isolating to eat very differently from others. A big one is when you're invited out or over to a friend's house.

Also challenging is finding time for grocery shopping (eating more fresh fruits and veggies I have to hit the store so much more), cooking in, and then exercise. And on top of it making and packing a lunch for the next day. Working long hours makes this very tough.

With the baby coming, I will be working less outside the home for the foreseeable future. But attending to my family's food needs is in itself a part time job, especially if funds are tight. I plan on making my own baby food (more necessary than you think given what's come out about arsenic levels even in organic preprocessed baby foods).

Tight funds can make it easier to cut fast food/restaurants, but it also makes it more difficult for convenience health food solutions (like mail to home food kits).

At the end of the day, eating very healthy on a tight budget requires planning and purchasing whole fresh ingredients and making them. For dry beans, I have to soak them the day before I plan to cook and use them.

Maybe it will be somewhat easier with the baby with planning since there are schedules out there to simplify what to introduce when. So that can guide when I buy broccoli, squash, and I can make that for myself, however there is the added step of mashing for baby.

It's no wonder that many families with less education, time, money, and existing bad habits from family of origin, develop such atrocious habits and find change difficult.

 

[jhmmd]

Thank you!

It also really makes you aware of the role society plays and how challenging that makes it to control things for your child. While adults can control things in theory for themselves, all around it makes you appreciate how hard it is to deal with influences.

It's no wonder that many families with less education, time, money, and existing bad habits from family of origin, develop such atrocious habits and find change difficult.

I commend you for all the time you take preparing to raise your child to eat healthy food. Research has shown that when children grow up eating healthy, they crave unhealthy food less often. And prevention works better than treatment for prevailing diseases like obesity, heart dz, high BP etc.

You're right; it does require a lot of planning. But it doesn't have to be a chore. If you cook with others it's more fun. And of course it is more fun cooking for friends/family than just cooking for yourself.

I wish you the best with your endeavors and like your new tagline!

 

[nikolaite]

It's no wonder that many families with less education, time, money, and existing bad habits from family of origin, develop such atrocious habits and find change difficult.

This is very much a public health issue. Corporate entities are allowed to present a deformed or tainted diet to the unwashed masses that is basically slow poison. The enhanced flavors, shelf-stabilizing treatments, and super cheap prices just encourage people to degrade their bodies for the sake of fleeting pleasure. I honestly do not know what the point of public schooling is if they’re not rooting out public issues like dietary problems that are perpetuated by unscrupulous corporate greed or ignorant and uncaring parents.

One of my nephews is an example of what I’m talking about. In 2019 (7 y o) he was thin and active. Through 2020 to now he has really softened and become of a concerning bodily shape. Last time I talked to him on FaceTime he stated that he did not exercise because he was afraid of pain. I mentioned these things to his mother two weeks ago and she became very angry that I would call her son fat. And he is fat; no less love there, but he has become double-chin, rotund abdomen, knock-knee fat. Fast forward to now: she called me literally minutes ago to tell me that she has put her son on a diet because she is concerned that he’s manifesting signs of insulin resistance. She knew I was right, and I wasn’t trying to be cruel and call her out, simply prod her to admit he needed attention and for her to take action. She started work at a new hospital in Dec 2019...and then COVID happened. I get it. But she also has a prior responsibility to her son.

 

[Crayola227]

This is very much a public health issue. Corporate entities are allowed to present a deformed or tainted diet to the unwashed masses that is basically slow poison. The enhanced flavors, shelf-stabilizing treatments, and super cheap prices just encourage people to degrade their bodies for the sake of fleeting pleasure. I honestly do not know what the point of public schooling is if they’re not rooting out public issues like dietary problems that are perpetuated by unscrupulous corporate greed or ignorant and uncaring parents.

One of my nephews is an example of what I’m talking about. In 2019 (7 y o) he was thin and active. Through 2020 to now he has really softened and become of a concerning bodily shape. Last time I talked to him on FaceTime he stated that he did not exercise because he was afraid of pain. I mentioned these things to his mother two weeks ago and she became very angry that I would call her son fat. And he is fat; no less love there, but he has become double-chin, rotund abdomen, knock-knee fat. Fast forward to now: she called me literally minutes ago to tell me that she has put her son on a diet because she is concerned that he’s manifesting signs of insulin resistance. She knew I was right, and I wasn’t trying to be cruel and call her out, simply prod her to admit he needed attention and for her to take action. She started work at a new hospital in Dec 2019...and then COVID happened. I get it. But she also has a prior responsibility to her son.

It's interesting what you said about the fleeting pleasure thing. Made me think of this NYT article which is one of the best things I've read about procrastination in a while. I think a lot of what they describe is also at work in how people approach food as well.

Why You Procrastinate (It Has Nothing to Do With Self-Control) Why You Procrastinate (It Has Nothing to Do With Self-Control) (Published 2019)

 

[Tenk]

Best way to change your spouse is to change yourself. Even if you’re already fit, you can become more fit and eat better. If all you buy is healthy food, work out several days a week and overall improve your physique by a lot, your spouse will notice and probably make changes even if just out of convenience (ie the food you cook).

 

[J ROD]

I have gained about 30 pounds since my wife and have been together. She actually likes it. I plan to get it down as I want to be more healthy and active for my young kids that are starting to be more active. She understands why I want to lose the weight. Now a harder question is how to get her to lose baby gut from having kids. She is very small so even a small pudge looks like a fairly large beer gut. Would an ab roller be not so subtle? lol

 

[nikolaite]

I have gained about 30 pounds since my wife and have been together. She actually likes it. I plan to get it down as I want to be more healthy and active for my young kids that are starting to be more active. She understands why I want to lose the weight. Now a harder question is how to get her to lose baby gut from having kids. She is very small so even a small pudge looks like a fairly large beer gut. Would an ab roller be not so subtle? lol

Just having a laugh about the ab roller. Good luck with that one.

 

[jhmmd]

Just having a laugh about the ab roller. Good luck with that one.

 

[LADoc00]

Weight gain in a relationship is HUGE, pun intended.

This is a massive dealbreaker for many people and if you plan on letting yourself go and losing all discipline at the buffet line, you need to check your level of self awareness and commitment to personal betterment.

I think everyone needs a lifelong commitment to being healthy in marriage or else there will be issues down the road.

 

[sunshinefl]

Weight gain in a relationship is HUGE, pun intended.

This is a massive dealbreaker for many people and if you plan on letting yourself go and losing all discipline at the buffet line, you need to check your level of self awareness and commitment to personal betterment.

I think everyone needs a lifelong commitment to being healthy in marriage or else there will be issues down the road.

Cool cliches again. Every overweight person ever is overweight because they “lose all discipline at the buffet line” 🙄🙄🙄🙄

 

[nikolaite]

Cool cliches again. Every overweight person ever is overweight because they “lose all discipline at the buffet line” 🙄🙄🙄🙄

I love losing it at the buffet line. 😂😂. Well…ok…the salad bar. It always makes my husband say, “I am definitely not getting my money’s worth.” 😂😂💰.

 

[Crayola227]

With what I've recently been reading about carbs, insulin, etc, and thinking more about traditional diets (think ancient tribes), I'm starting to think that for some, being thin in a society like ours might be next to impossible. And almost cruel to expect people to suffer the amount of hunger or foods avoidance and the effect on socializing, that they might have to do in this society to be thin. Especially when you factor in the difference in lifestyle with work and exercise compared to our evolution.

It would be like quitting smoking cigarettes while 9/10 people around you puff away 24/7 everywhere and indoors. Not technically impossible but so very difficult you just don't see it happening often.

I'm not saying this to say people can't eat healthier and expect to not be morbidly obese. But to be overweight? Like say 15-20 lbs. Depending on your genetics, it might ridiculously easy to be at that point, and it might be impossible for people to be otherwise without like going to live with one of these tribes and spend all their time on traditional subsistence activities.

 

[jhmmd]

With what I've recently been reading about carbs, insulin, etc, and thinking more about traditional diets (think ancient tribes), I'm starting to think that for some, being thin in a society like ours might be next to impossible. And almost cruel to expect people to suffer the amount of hunger or foods avoidance and the effect on socializing, that they might have to do in this society to be thin. Especially when you factor in the difference in lifestyle with work and exercise compared to our evolution.

It would be like quitting smoking cigarettes while 9/10 people around you puff away 24/7 everywhere and indoors. Not technically impossible but so very difficult you just don't see it happening often.

I'm not saying this to say people can't eat healthier and expect to not be morbidly obese. But to be overweight? Like say 15-20 lbs. Depending on your genetics, it might ridiculously easy to be at that point, and it might be impossible for people to be otherwise without like going to live with one of these tribes and spend all their time on traditional subsistence activities.

People are already starting to take aim at this with things like working (standing) desks, bikes that allow you to charge your computer with the energy you generate from cycling, etc. There has been literature published about how making lifestyle changes is going to require some sort of sea change, with all of the electronics that we have these days keeping us sedentary.

I do think that being around people who are smoking constantly (if you are trying to quit smoking) is a bad idea, and a recipe for disaster. I don't think that it's unreasonable to acquire a new set of friends who don't smoke if you're trying to quit smoking (not saying drop the old friends, just acquire new ones).

I do not personally think that eating is an "addiction" per se...I think that this leads to defeatist thinking. I DO feel like certain foods (esp. sugary, high fat, fried foods) can lead to blood sugar spikes (followed by plumetting BS, which we all know leads to eating the same unhealthy food again two hours later).

There was an excellent article in the NY Times several years ago (if you're too lazy to click, the title is, "How the Sugar Industry Shifted the Blame to Fat") about sugar and its effect on our diets. While I feel like an industry-wide conspiracy is a little much, I agree that we need to focus more on the sugar content in our food more so than other things.

Just some things to think about.

 

[LADoc00]

Cool cliches again. Every overweight person ever is overweight because they “lose all discipline at the buffet line” 🙄🙄🙄🙄

And every overweight person doesnt have an organic medical reason for excessive fat storage so what is your point? On par who is more right? What is the percent of the population with Cushing's, thyroid dysfunction or secondary weight gain from iatrogenic sources? 3%? So 97% of the time I am correct.

Stop making excuses for a lack of self-discipline, if everyone stopped their excuse train we would move closer to a Utopian society.

Im not saying I have 6-pack abs, I dont BUT I tell myself everyday when I wake up I will do better than the day before. But its really easy to give up, I definitely get that.

Prioritize your health and well being, heal thyself.

There is no fancy diet you need to follow and humans are built to be able to fast for days even weeks. Just stop eating.

 

[jhmmd]

And every overweight person doesnt have an organic medical reason for excessive fat storage so what is your point? On par who is more right? What is the percent of the population with Cushing's, thyroid dysfunction or secondary weight gain from iatrogenic sources? 3%? So 97% of the time I am correct.

Stop making excuses for a lack of self-discipline, if everyone stopped their excuse train we would move closer to a Utopian society.

Im not saying I have 6-pack abs, I dont BUT I tell myself everyday when I wake up I will do better than the day before. But its really easy to give up, I definitely get that.

Prioritize your health and well being, heal thyself.

There is no fancy diet you need to follow and humans are built to be able to fast for days even weeks. Just stop eating.

I agree with you; our society has an obesity problem. Obesity itself is a disease, which you don't seem to recognize.
Your "just stop eating" plan is not viable long term. Just think of the Nazis.

 

[LADoc00]

I agree with you; our society has an obesity problem. Obesity itself is a disease, which you don't seem to recognize.
Your "just stop eating" plan is not viable long term. Just think of the Nazis.

Obesity is not a disease anymore than excessive porn watching, 12 hours a day of video games, boozing up everyday, smoking out all the time or doing cocaine and heroine.

If the medical community stopped pathologizing lazy human behavior, we might actually make progress.

Do intermittent fasting, start with 12 hours move to 18-20 hrs/day. Its non-restrictive and utterly universal. It works with vegans, carnivores, picky eaters, models, athletes and even fat med students and residents.

Also anytime someone mentions "Nazis" in a post, that is lazy too. Stop being lazy, stop being deficient, stop blaming your failure on society at large and start wanting better for yourself.

There is only one path and that path is hard, not easy.

 

[jhmmd]

Obesity is not a disease anymore than excessive porn watching, 12 hours a day of video games, boozing up everyday, smoking out all the time or doing cocaine and heroine.

If the medical community stopped pathologizing lazy human behavior, we might actually make progress.

Do intermittent fasting, start with 12 hours move to 18-20 hrs/day. Its non-restrictive and utterly universal. It works with vegans, carnivores, picky eaters, models, athletes and even fat med students and residents.

Also anytime someone mentions "Nazis" in a post, that is lazy too. Stop being lazy, stop being deficient, stop blaming your failure on society at large and start wanting better for yourself.

There is only one path and that path is hard, not easy.

Obesity
I wasn't asking for your advice on dieting, btw No obesity here.

 

[Crayola227]

Obesity is not a disease anymore than excessive porn watching, 12 hours a day of video games, boozing up everyday, smoking out all the time or doing cocaine and heroine.

If the medical community stopped pathologizing lazy human behavior, we might actually make progress.

Do intermittent fasting, start with 12 hours move to 18-20 hrs/day. Its non-restrictive and utterly universal. It works with vegans, carnivores, picky eaters, models, athletes and even fat med students and residents.

Also anytime someone mentions "Nazis" in a post, that is lazy too. Stop being lazy, stop being deficient, stop blaming your failure on society at large and start wanting better for yourself.

There is only one path and that path is hard, not easy.

You're just flat out wrong if you don't understand how addictions are diseases. Some of the behaviors you listed might not rise to the level of addiction, but many probably would. Not all overeating is based on addiction. But seeing how little you seem to understand how the brain works with these issues, your opinion on weight loss or these diseases is next to useless.

 

[LADoc00]

You're just flat out wrong if you don't understand how addictions are diseases. Some of the behaviors you listed might not rise to the level of addiction, but many probably would. Not all overeating is based on addiction. But seeing how little you seem to understand how the brain works with these issues, your opinion on weight loss or these diseases is next to useless.

First off listen: is the prevailing medical "wisdom" was correct in their understanding, then WE WOULD BE SUCCESSFULLY TREATING OBESITY. But the medical community isnt as people are getting more obese, the medical community is failing because they have placed puffing up self esteem of obese individuals over the reality of actually helping them.

Im not saying we need be cruel but we need to be honest.

But keep the ad hominem attacks going, I love this stuff.

Hide behind your computers and keyboards little posters Its very safe there.

 

[Crayola227]

First off listen: is the prevailing medical "wisdom" was correct in their understanding, then WE WOULD BE SUCCESSFULLY TREATING OBESITY. But the medical community isnt as people are getting more obese, the medical community is failing because they have placed puffing up self esteem of obese individuals over the reality of actually helping them.

Im not saying we need be cruel but we need to be honest.

But keep the ad hominem attacks going, I love this stuff.

Hide behind your computers and keyboards little posters Its very safe there.

The prevailing medical wisdom could be correct, and yet that wouldn't necessarily translate to success. See the many continued issues with the pandemic. It's not like we don't know how to stop so many people from getting hospitalized and aren't passing along the right word. Such is the effect of society on public health.

And let's say the prevailing wisdom is wrong, and it very well could be, but it's not necessarily wrong in the way you say it is. There's some evidence we are not recommending the right kind of food and other changes. That we don't actually understand obesity and how to prevent it as well as we think. That we are up against societal forces that makes it too difficult for the average person.

We've been saying "calories in calories out" for a long long time, and it isn't working. That's basically what you're saying, it's a calories in and out problem and will solved with self control.

The issue isn't as simple as people have a lack of self control and just need to eat less.

There's nothing ad hominem in telling someone who basically just denied the existence of addiction, that they are ignoring an entire body of research about say heroin, your example not mine.

 

[nikolaite]

First off listen: is the prevailing medical "wisdom" was correct in their understanding, then WE WOULD BE SUCCESSFULLY TREATING OBESITY. But the medical community isnt as people are getting more obese, the medical community is failing because they have placed puffing up self esteem of obese individuals over the reality of actually helping them.

Im not saying we need be cruel but we need to be honest.

But keep the ad hominem attacks going, I love this stuff.

Hide behind your computers and keyboards little posters Its very safe there.

The medical community is failing because its members presume an authority over people that they simply do not have. This has a discrediting effect upon the entire industry and leaves everyone on all sides disappointed after pt encounters. Medicoes have a tendency to attempt to overbear the will of their pts, rather than build up a trusting consultancy relationship and then offer an education.

While basic bodily operation is universal, humans are not little cookie cutter prints of one another. We all have our own problems on top of physical and environmental derangements.

Yes, there are too many fatties in the USA due to ill-discipline...but: The commercial food market is operating to promote that. The pharma industry is operating to support that. The medical insurance industry is operating to maintain that. ...and the medicoes are dispassionately dismissing pts out of hand as ill-disciplined whose only joy in life is the 64+ oz. of sugary soda they consume daily.

You can say, “Get a life, you lazy slob,” but does that add to your credibility with the pt or reduce it? If you’re not going to root out and treat the non-medical issue leading to these pts’ obesity, then it’s probably best to leave it alone.

As far as having a more cosmetically appealing society as a precursor to Utopia...that’s definitely wishful thinking coming through. The human material by nature is deceitful, murderous, and otherwise lacking in virtue...and we hardly agree on anything. Putting a bow on it to make it pretty is not going to change that.

 

[Mad Jack]

With what I've recently been reading about carbs, insulin, etc, and thinking more about traditional diets (think ancient tribes), I'm starting to think that for some, being thin in a society like ours might be next to impossible. And almost cruel to expect people to suffer the amount of hunger or foods avoidance and the effect on socializing, that they might have to do in this society to be thin. Especially when you factor in the difference in lifestyle with work and exercise compared to our evolution.

It would be like quitting smoking cigarettes while 9/10 people around you puff away 24/7 everywhere and indoors. Not technically impossible but so very difficult you just don't see it happening often.

I'm not saying this to say people can't eat healthier and expect to not be morbidly obese. But to be overweight? Like say 15-20 lbs. Depending on your genetics, it might ridiculously easy to be at that point, and it might be impossible for people to be otherwise without like going to live with one of these tribes and spend all their time on traditional subsistence activities.

A big issue as well is that once you put on weight and your fat cells divide, you end up releasing more leptin over time, resulting in leptin resistance and increased baseline hunger. As one loses weight, these same cells decrease leptin production, but given the already leptin-resistant state of the body, hunger is enormously increased compared to baseline, and metabolism is also decreased as cells signal the body into survival mode. One may lose weight, but so long as the cells remain, misery and decreased metabolism will be a lifelong struggle

 

[lessard96]

As a rule, losing weight is suitable for a person's health, however, when one of the partners in a romantic relationship loses weight, this is not always good for the relationship. Losing weight can be a "dark side" if both partners don't agree to healthy changes, according to a new study. Weight loss not always beneficial for romantic relationships

Personally, now I am engaged in a healthy life and not a diet. Therefore, I would like to discuss why you need to set the right goal. The biggest message I want to convey here is that your weight is not a good indicator of health. The real solution to weight loss is this: Eat a better diet - reduce calories, no matter what calories, and cardio, energy supplements, walking, cycling, and jogging - will help you lose weight. I was 280 pounds, got down to 230 just after changing my diet, got up to 245, changed my diet, and exercised to 206, where I am now, slowly losing weight.

 

[Laradd]

Weight gain is definitely a sensitive topic, especially when it comes to our loved ones. It's important to approach it with kindness and understanding. Subtle ways like cooking healthier meals together or suggesting fun outdoor activities can be great starting points. It's also important to remember that weight gain can be caused by various factors, so it's always a good idea to approach the topic with an open mind and without judgement. Ultimately, communication is key, but it's always best to do it in a way that is supportive and non-judgmental.

 

[sloh]

GLP-1 agonists!

 

[SurfingDoctor]

GLP-1 agonists!

A side topic, but easily one of the most impressive drugs (and NEJM drug trials) I’ve ever seen.